My racy photos are in a present my conservative boyfriend got. ow do I handle this?

[aed]

To Taramere again: Like I added in my post, yes, this stuff IS on his wish list that he's brought up. I guess I played the good girl and really shouldn't have. But when he asks point blank, how do I answer and not have him get pissed off even more?

 

You need to choose:

 

Do I keep lying or do I become honest?

 

You said: you are going to become more freaky with him. He probably will notice if you are trying/acting or if this comes naturaly for you. So he will ask things, because you knows you did lie and he will think what is she lying about more.

 

When you are honest, and he can pass behind that. (but that is a different discussion for an other thread I think). I believe you will have a better and stronger connenction with each other. But the risk is: when you are honest their is a change he doesn't respect you anymore.

 

And with being honest I don't mean: only telling him details etc, but also why you lied etc.

[Lonely Ronin]

To Taramere again: Like I added in my post, yes, this stuff IS on his wish list that he's brought up. I guess I played the good girl and really shouldn't have. But when he asks point blank, how do I answer and not have him get pissed off even more?

 

Tell him the truth. If he never really turned you on in that way then tell him. if you did it and didn't like it, tell him.

 

If this crap is on his wish list, and you are just finding out about it, I would ask him why didn't he bring it up, or push for it. If anal is on his wish list, he isn't exactly the conservative man he has been portraying himself as........

[Lonely Ronin]

Ohh ...pfff.... this is really too much drama now...

 

Do what you want! I am not religious but I am praying not to get anyone like you or the advisers... lying to me into my face my whole life!

 

Is funny how people is ok with people lying and misrepresenting themselves... that you accept that other people love you for all the wrong reasons and go to sleep quietly at night with it...

 

Nothing wrong with doing all the sex things that you want in the past...but knowing that all that was in your boyfriend fantasies and not going along with him with them... that shows the love you have for him!

Knowing that he would not be ok with things you have done and lie about it .... it is just fraud!

 

 

look who is talking about leading opinions.......

[TaraMaiden]

To Taramere again: Like I added in my post, yes, this stuff IS on his wish list that he's brought up. I guess I played the good girl and really shouldn't have. But when he asks point blank, how do I answer and not have him get pissed off even more?

 

Read my post #172 page 9.

[TaraMaiden]

Save you time, I've repeated it here:

 

in brief, and maybe in different words, this is what I would say.

 

"Look - these photos are the issue here.

In my opinion, no matter what the circumstances, I think at best, your buddies took a tactless risk, and at worst, they acted like jerks.

I have standards now which are different to those I have had previously.

Letting my ex take these pictures was thoughtless, foolhardy and very unintelligent, I get that now.

Look how they have come back to haunt me, and look at the damage they're doing.

This is the reason I really don't want to do nude pictures for anyone, any more. It could be you, it could be another guy, it could be anyone else who asks me. I think it's a bad idea because it leaves me vulnerable, and quite literally, exposed to abuse and misunderstanding.

 

My past is my past. It's history.

Forgive me for being blunt, but this has happened. get over it.

It's a hurdle in our relationship, but if you can't get past it, that's your problem, not mine.

 

I do not intend to expose every single last detail, of every moment of my past to you - or to anyone else for that matter. it's gone, and none of your business. It's irrelevant, and doesn't affect the way I feel about YOU at all.

I'm convinced you're "The One."

I love you, and hate that this has hurt you.

But if this is too much for you to take, and you want to end it, then that's yet another signal that posing for photos - for anyone - is a mistake, and a mistake I have to live with for good.

If you want to end it, go ahead. But in the big scheme of things, it's trivial. It's not like I'm sleeping with your brother or your friend, or something like that.

I don't intend to be put under the microscope and be given the 3rd degree. This is it, I've said my piece. I think we need to just draw a line under it and move on.

But if you can't do that, then It's a loss you're going to have to live with. I think it would be hasty. But then, I've done hasty things in my life and regretted them, haven't I?"

[KungFuJoe]

op,

 

I didn't read the entire thread but consider this a lesson learned.

 

NEVER EVER lie and never try to be who you aren't.

 

Lies catch up to you and false personas never last.

[animalover]

look who is talking about leading opinions.......

 

Totally off topic--- I did not create the post, nor I am asking other people opinions... just giving mine!

[animalover]

I just would like to add this!!! Is totally a good summary of my feelings

 

I would not want a woman who was MORE wild in the past than she was with me. Oh hell no.

 

Has nothing to do with insecurity. It has to do with the fact that I'm not the right guy for her. She needs someone that makes her feel like a sexual woman and I need a woman who will BE that sexual woman for me.

 

This is all conjecture, of course...I've never been with a woman who was wildER in the past than with me.

[TaraMaiden]

op,

 

I didn't read the entire thread but consider this a lesson learned.

 

NEVER EVER lie and never try to be who you aren't.

 

Lies catch up to you and false personas never last.

 

This is sufficient to sum up all the advice in the entire 13 (so far) pages....

[FitChick]

If he asks you if you had threesomes, for example, instead of answering yes or no, ask "Is this something you want to do with me?" Then say you will agree to it but have to do some research so you know what you are doing so you don't disappoint him. Make it about you fulfilling his fantasies and not about your former sex life.

 

Because if you tell him you did certain things, when he does them with you he will be thinking of you with another man. Then he'll lose his erection and blame you.

 

If this becomes contentious, you need a third party mediator/therapist who is used to treating such problems.

 

It's funny how the men on here don't seem to have a problem when the genders are reversed (man with kinky, wild past). I also think the thought of them dating a woman who is more sexually experienced than they are terrifies them. "No, it's all about honesty..." Sure it is.

[ascendotum]

op,

 

I didn't read the entire thread but consider this a lesson learned.

 

NEVER EVER lie and never try to be who you aren't.

 

Lies catch up to you and false personas never last.

 

I think quite a few people do though (lie, be vague or embellish), or others like some here will just lock it up in the cupboard with the 'the past is the past, its my history and its none of your business I am not going to go there'. In this case though it was a little easier for things to catch up..what with nude photos floating around that she signed a waver for. Erotic nude photos would not a problem for many guys (not iphone sex with ex pics), and I get the impression its not something she regrets (well maybe the waver), just regrets it coming to light for this particular conservative executive bf, who she wanted to project a different image for. Some will she's just being savvy others will say she's matured now and others will say she's a phoney.

 

For some who think this drama is all on him being insecure...go out and survey a 100 guys if they would just brush off this scenario (finding out your gf had racey hidden past and doing kinkier stuff with guys described as jerks that she wont do for you). I'd bet 75% at least are not going to be happy for sure. Survey a 100 women and ask them if they found out their bf used to do a lot more romantic gestures & spend generous $ on his trashy/dippy exes but now says he's been there done that, its the past when he was naive, eager and love struck, would they be offended he did not think of them as so worthy of that. I'd bet 90% at least would say they would feel disappointed and less loved.

Edited January 29, 2013 by ascendotum

[Woggle]

Women really don't understand how much many men fear being settled for. One poster mentioned that her ex was not good in bed but she overlooked it because he would make a great husband and father. Most men have seen way too many times how that scenario ends up a few years after the kids come and we want to avoid being the man in that situation.

 

Is it so wrong for men to want to avoid going through all that drama? It's about way more than guys being insecure.

[Crusoe]

If he asks you if you had threesomes, for example, instead of answering yes or no, ask "Is this something you want to do with me?" Then say you will agree to it but have to do some research so you know what you are doing so you don't disappoint him. Make it about you fulfilling his fantasies and not about your former sex life.

 

Because if you tell him you did certain things, when he does them with you he will be thinking of you with another man. Then he'll lose his erection and blame you.

 

If this becomes contentious, you need a third party mediator/therapist who is used to treating such problems.

 

It's funny how the men on here don't seem to have a problem when the genders are reversed (man with kinky, wild past). I also think the thought of them dating a woman who is more sexually experienced than they are terrifies them. "No, it's all about honesty..." Sure it is.

 

Why not answer yes or no? What' s wrong with the truth?

 

From the perspective of many men, this kind of twisting and avoidance is what they can't abide. A lot of us just don't work that way, we're simple like that, uncomplicated. All that kind of thing does is leave us wondering what else she is hiding.

 

And yes, for many men is it all about honesty. A lot of us don't give a damn if you've had circus sex with Adams family, we just like a little honesty and truth, because that's what we respect.

[aed]

I think quite a few people do though (lie, be vague or embellish), or others like some here will just lock it up in the cupboard with the 'the past is the past, its my history and its none of your business I am not going to go there'. In this case though it was a little easier for things to catch up..what with nude photos floating around that she signed a waver for. Erotic nude photos would not a problem for many guys (not iphone sex with ex pics), and I get the impression its not something she regrets (well maybe the waver), just regrets it coming to light for this particular conservative executive bf, who she wanted to project a different image for. Some will she's just being savvy others will say she's matured now and others will say she's a phoney.

 

For some who think this drama is all on him being insecure...go out and survey a 100 guys if they would just brush off this scenario (finding out your gf had racey hidden past and doing kinkier stuff with guys described as jerks that she wont do for you). I'd bet 75% at least are not going to be happy for sure. Survey a 100 women and ask them if they found out their bf used to do a lot more romantic gestures & spend generous $ on his trashy/dippy exes but now says he's been there done that, its the past when he was naive, eager and love struck, would they be offended he did not think of them as so worthy of that. I'd bet 90% at least would say they would feel disappointed and less loved.

 

So true!

 

I would love to really test this in the real world.

[Drseussgrrl]

Women really don't understand how much many men fear being settled for. One poster mentioned that her ex was not good in bed but she overlooked it because he would make a great husband and father. Most men have seen way too many times how that scenario ends up a few years after the kids come and we want to avoid being the man in that situation.

 

Is it so wrong for men to want to avoid going through all that drama? It's about way more than guys being insecure.

 

Yeah that was me. I didn't feel like I was settling. Just overlooking something we were probably incompatible with.

 

For the record - I really DID want that spicy, saucey, throw-me-on-the-bed love life with him (and only him). I tried talking about it many times. Bought porn, nighties, toys, you name it.

 

He simply didn't have it in him. Was I so wrong for wanting to date good husband material?

[TaraMaiden]

O/T Post:

 

I can't believe how much discussion this one thread has generated. And amazingly - AMAZINGLY! - nobody has really veered off-topic!

 

Stunned.....

 

OK.

 

Back to Topic!!

 

[aed]

Yeah that was me. I didn't feel like I was settling. Just overlooking something we were probably incompatible with.

 

For the record - I really DID want that spicy, saucey, throw-me-on-the-bed love life with him (and only him). I tried talking about it many times. Bought porn, nighties, toys, you name it.

 

He simply didn't have it in him. Was I so wrong for wanting to date good husband material?

 

But did he desire those things? Beause if he didn't desire and you where trying to do it, and finding out he did it his exes and not with you because he wants to you to think he is good hb material, would you be okay with that?

 

and why did you stopped dating if I may ask?

[Drseussgrrl]

But did he desire those things? Beause if he didn't desire and you where trying to do it, and finding out he did it his exes and not with you because he wants to you to think he is good hb material, would you be okay with that?

 

and why did you stopped dating if I may ask?

 

Ha - yeah he even went to the store with me. When he was in grad school and working, weeks would go by without even a passionate kiss between us.

 

We were engaged to be married and within three months of the wedding, he dumped me for the wedding planner. So much for "nice guy" I guess. LOL

 

Next question?

[Woggle]

Yeah that was me. I didn't feel like I was settling. Just overlooking something we were probably incompatible with.

 

For the record - I really DID want that spicy, saucey, throw-me-on-the-bed love life with him (and only him). I tried talking about it many times. Bought porn, nighties, toys, you name it.

 

He simply didn't have it in him. Was I so wrong for wanting to date good husband material?

 

You weren't wrong but men have seen too many times how this ends up about five years into the marriage. Can you blame men for not wanting to be another divorce statistic?

[Lonely Ronin]

You weren't wrong but men have seen too many times how this ends up about five years into the marriage. Can you blame men for not wanting to be another divorce statistic?

 

I think the problem we are seeing here is way too many people focusing on sex without any regard for the word love. love is what holds relationship together, not sex.

[aed]

Ha - yeah he even went to the store with me. When he was in grad school and working, weeks would go by without even a passionate kiss between us.

 

We were engaged to be married and within three months of the wedding, he dumped me for the wedding planner. So much for "nice guy" I guess. LOL

 

 

I am sorry for you. That must have bin reallly hurtfull!

[Drseussgrrl]

You weren't wrong but men have seen too many times how this ends up about five years into the marriage. Can you blame men for not wanting to be another divorce statistic?

 

I'm not trying to dissect the reasons why my relationship failed. Only so much can be explained on a message board after 4 years and a life together with someone.

 

He had a lot of "mommy" issues that I'm sure played into his lack of sex drive.

[KungFuJoe]

I think the problem we are seeing here is way too many people focusing on sex without any regard for the word love. love is what holds relationship together, not sex.

 

You need love AND sex.

 

Both are equally important.

[Lonely Ronin]

You need love AND sex.

 

Both are equally important.

 

sex doesn't last forever, find an talk with some couples have been married 50 + years.

[Crusoe]

I think the problem we are seeing here is way too many people focusing on sex without any regard for the word love. love is what holds relationship together, not sex.

 

Don't forget trust. Difficult to trust without honesty.