My racy photos are in a present my conservative boyfriend got. ow do I handle this?

[RogerWallace111]

In the grand scheme of things though, I think this is a reason for some guys to add more of a dimension to themselves so that this doesn't happen and they don't end up being the insecure guy who feels like a chump because his SO isn't naughty with him. And likewise, women should not misrepresent who they are (or were) when in a relationship with a "conservative" guy - and occasionally, do something "wild" with your new man at least .

 

 

Word haaa.

 

It is weird how women go through the "jerks", being "easy" & doing freaky sh*t quickly, then...... decide they need a "nice" guy, find one, aren't turned on by him cause he's too tame & docile, thus don't show him the same level of freakiness, but keep him cause he's sweet, stable & provides comfort.

 

This isn't necessarily malicious, and maybe not wrong, but it's funny how women in this situation will so often insist that they just don't want to be adventurous anymore and are over it. Cause of course theyre not. Theyve just started to value stability, etc more than that, and are therefore willing to date a guy who doesn't really turn them on as long as he provides that. Even her sex drive isn't as active, and she honestly isn't as into that stuff anymore, that nastiness doesn't just go away. She probably just feels she's more grown up, should be more "respectable", and just isn't quite so wild.

 

Any girl who's done freaky sh*t with her past guys but refuses to with me - nah. Doesn't have to be to the same degree, and if it's actually demeaning to her that's one thing. But if I knew my girlfriend had done nude photos regularly in the past, and wouldn't let me take a few of her now, for my personal use, I'd be out. I wouldn't buy an excuse that she was "past that" and had changed too much to let me snap a couple f*cking phone pics. I would feel like she wasn't turned on enough by me to get even slightly adventurous- and I want a girl whose aroused as f*ck by me.

[aed]

I just logged back on. I can't believe all the views. Thanks everybody.

 

Just to be straight, you are all making him be more conservative than he actually is. I guess what I should have said in the beginning is that he is more conservative than me. He's like any other guy with his wish list of fantasies. It's just that with him he hasn't lived them out - whereas I've actually had "more experience" and have tried some stuff.

 

Also, it's not like I don't find him sexually attractive. I do. OK, so he may not be an animal in bed (like my jerk exes) but that is 100% OK with me. He has amazing qualities that the other guys didn't have. I just got tired of the player scene and was lucky enough to find a really good guy I want a future with. I've tried alot of stuff and yeah it was fun at the time but I don't have any great urges to do it again - whereas my guy hasn't tried alot of things and I can really understand him wanting to try some stuff now with me. The photos thing is one example.

 

I want him to be happy and to have a future together so I figure I WILL get all crazy with him. I think he deserves that. I'm just not sure telling him I did something in the past that he hasn't is going to help us move forward. So the talk tonight is going to be pretty delicate. I can't just say no it's all in the past but I don't think an open book is going to help things either.

 

i don't want to be hard on you.

 

The perfect example and proved everything I feared. You where not with him because you are attracted to him, but because you where hurt by your jerk exes.

 

Yeah great some guy is going to get pitty sex.

[RogerWallace111]

I just logged back on. I can't believe all the views. Thanks everybody.

 

Just to be straight, you are all making him be more conservative than he actually is. I guess what I should have said in the beginning is that he is more conservative than me. He's like any other guy with his wish list of fantasies. It's just that with him he hasn't lived them out - whereas I've actually had "more experience" and have tried some stuff.

 

Also, it's not like I don't find him sexually attractive. I do. OK, so he may not be an animal in bed (like my jerk exes) but that is 100% OK with me. He has amazing qualities that the other guys didn't have. I just got tired of the player scene and was lucky enough to find a really good guy I want a future with. I've tried alot of stuff and yeah it was fun at the time but I don't have any great urges to do it again - whereas my guy hasn't tried alot of things and I can really understand him wanting to try some stuff now with me. The photos thing is one example.

 

I want him to be happy and to have a future together so I figure I WILL get all crazy with him. I think he deserves that. I'm just not sure telling him I did something in the past that he hasn't is going to help us move forward. So the talk tonight is going to be pretty delicate. I can't just say no it's all in the past but I don't think an open book is going to help things either.

 

good girl ! of course he deserves it if he's cool enough that you're considering spending the rest of your life him

[tbf]

I just logged back on. I can't believe all the views. Thanks everybody.

 

Just to be straight, you are all making him be more conservative than he actually is. I guess what I should have said in the beginning is that he is more conservative than me. He's like any other guy with his wish list of fantasies. It's just that with him he hasn't lived them out - whereas I've actually had "more experience" and have tried some stuff.

 

Also, it's not like I don't find him sexually attractive. I do. OK, so he may not be an animal in bed (like my jerk exes) but that is 100% OK with me. He has amazing qualities that the other guys didn't have. I just got tired of the player scene and was lucky enough to find a really good guy I want a future with. I've tried alot of stuff and yeah it was fun at the time but I don't have any great urges to do it again - whereas my guy hasn't tried alot of things and I can really understand him wanting to try some stuff now with me. The photos thing is one example.

 

I want him to be happy and to have a future together so I figure I WILL get all crazy with him. I think he deserves that. I'm just not sure telling him I did something in the past that he hasn't is going to help us move forward. So the talk tonight is going to be pretty delicate. I can't just say no it's all in the past but I don't think an open book is going to help things either.

Firstly, you've portrayed yourself as a conservative woman. In doing so, you've represented yourself as someone to be careful with, in bed. You have no idea if he's capable of being an animal in bed but in your presumption, assume that he's incapable.

 

As far as open book, I agree that great detail isn't necessary. But you do owe him some honesty. If you continue being dishonest or evasive, his b/s meter will be set off. He has no idea how much deception has happened and because a fraction of it has been revealed in ghastly detail, won't trust any form of dissembling.

[animalover]

What about if she was fat in the past, but isn't now?

 

If she was not fitting for my values in the past she won't be fitting now! The meaning of sex is very important for me and someone who find meaningless sex an option is not an option for me!

[Drseussgrrl]

Well you could turn all this around by saying that the "bad boys" and "jerks" are better in bed and tend to bring out your inner freak.

 

My ex was a "nice guy" who would have made a terrific, stable husband and father but, ok, I'm just gonna say it he wasn't that sexual. He would come really quickly and sometimes a whole month would pass before he wanted to have sex again.

 

And yeah I'll be honest I overlooked all that because he was great in so many other ways. Shoot me.

[Lonely Ronin]

And yeah I'll be honest I overlooked all that because he was great in so many other ways. Shoot me.

 

Sounds like some of the guys in this thread would if they could get away with it.

[ThaWholigan]

i don't want to be hard on you.

 

The perfect example and proved everything I feared. You where not with him because you are attracted to him, but because you where hurt by your jerk exes.

 

Yeah great some guy is going to get pitty sex.

Obviously you missed the part where she said she is sexually attracted to him. Or is she lying about that?

[animalover]

Well you could turn all this around by saying that the "bad boys" and "jerks" are better in bed and tend to bring out your inner freak.

 

My ex was a "nice guy" who would have made a terrific, stable husband and father but, ok, I'm just gonna say it he wasn't that sexual. He would come really quickly and sometimes a whole month would pass before he wanted to have sex again.

 

And yeah I'll be honest I overlooked all that because he was great in so many other ways. Shoot me.

 

.... I don't think no one will shoot you for overlooking the lack of sexuality of a good guy because he was a good guy! Actually that says (to my view) a lot of good things about you... like for example that there are other things important in life for you besides what happen to be between your legs!

 

It would be another thing that the guy would ask you to do something and you would have said no to him because he is a good guy when you enjoyed doing that with the jerks....

[TheFinalWord]

I agree you shouldn't judge others. But when people lie and being deceiving, its an hole other game. When OP was honest and her bf was disquisted by her, then we had an hole different kind of thread!

 

But how would you feel when a girl is claiming that she is an devoted christian, but it turns out she is not, and just lied to you so she could get you in a relationship with her? (I don't think you will fall for that, but for the agrue lets say that it happend).

 

I can see what you are saying

 

Being a Christian is about accepting Christ into your heart and striving to be like Christ. It is not about "I have done x, y, and z the holy way, and there you are over there you disgusting sinner". That is the opposite of a Christian. Here is a good story to illustrate:

 

To some who were confident of their own righteousness and looked down on everyone else, Jesus told this parable: "Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. The Pharisee stood by himself and prayed: ‘God, I thank you that I am not like other people—robbers, evildoers, adulterers—or even like this tax collector. I fast twice a week and give a tenth of all I get.’ “But the tax collector stood at a distance. He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said, ‘God, have mercy on me, a sinner.’ “I tell you that this man, rather than the other, went home justified before God. For all those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.”

 

This hypothetical woman would not have to be ashamed to tell me her past, because I would not use it as a rod of judgment to beat her with. And I also know that trust takes time, and she may not be comfortable to tell me everything right away. If she felt scared to tell me something, that means there is something wrong with my heart. This is getting more into biblical teaching, but if I am in a relationship with a woman it is b/c there is a great potential for marriage. As such, the bible teaches the wife reflects the glory of the husband. She should not be ashamed of herself with me and if she is that means there are spiritual issues we need to work out. God has given spiritual leadership to the man, and compares it to the relationship Christ has with the church (He died for His church). So, spiritually, she is dishonest, but the reasoning behind feeling a need to be dishonest is something the man needs to address with God and her.

 

The bible is a mirror, first and foremost. I can sit here, bust out the bible, and use it to beat both this guy and girl upside the head. They are probably having sex (sin), he is getting drunk (sin), his friends are disgusting (folly), he is into looking at nude magazines (sin). His sin is no better. Me quantifying and qualifying his or her sin is not what the bible is for. The bible is a mirror If he applies mercy, and she applies honesty, they can overcome this and have a stronger relationship.

[ThaWholigan]

Firstly, you've portrayed yourself as a conservative woman. In doing so, you've represented yourself as someone to be careful with, in bed. You have no idea if he's capable of being an animal in bed but in your presumption, assume that he's incapable.

 

The bold is important there. If he is only more conservative than you, then it's possible he really isn't as conservative as even you think and perhaps hasn't had quite the opportunity to live out his sexual fantasies in the way that you have. So saying that, it's possible that there is a whole other sexual side to him that you have yet to see, and that you should probably explore if you really want to hold onto him long term.

 

He might just turn out to be even more creative in bed than you realize - give him that green light .

 

----------------------------------

 

And this is why I think that "conservative" guys need to have just a little bit of "bad boy" in them

[luvhim]

I really want to respond to RogerWallace. What you said is not fair. I did not go through some phase where I was into jerks. It just happened that the guys who showed interest in me turned out to be jerks. So it's not like I did "freaky **** quickly" and then looked for a "nice guy."

 

I never said my guy is too tame or docile. It's just that I've been reluctant to get wild. I'm going to change that.

 

And as far as "sweet stable and comfort," yes he IS all of that and that's a GOOD thing! That's how I want him to be.

 

Also, my sex drive is pretty good thank you very much. And if anything, I'm going to indulge my boyfriend so he doesn't feel embarrassed by those stupid pics. I will let him take some shots. I can really see it from the guy's perspective now.

 

I just haven't decided if I should reveal all. When he said he wanted to know he actually asked if I did "this or that or that." If I don't tell, then what rationale do I give him for not wanting to tell him?

[aed]

Obviously you missed the part where she said she is sexually attracted to him. Or is she lying about that?

 

No I didn't. What I read she minimalises the sexual attraction:

 

Also, it's not like I don't find him sexually attractive. I do. OK, so he may not be an animal in bed (like my jerk exes) but that is 100% OK with me

 

Why call exes jerks?

 

then she said:

 

I just got tired of the player scene and was lucky enough to find a really good guy I want a future with. I've tried alot of stuff and yeah it was fun at the time

 

she tricked a good guy, and hoped her past wouldn't catch up with her. I am sorry but I can't seem to see this any other way.

 

Like I said:

 

When she was honest at first, and the this thread is about him being condemnatory to her. Then we would have a different discussion, and I would probably agreeing with the people I disagree with right now.

[Taramere]

I just haven't decided if I should reveal all. When he said he wanted to know he actually asked if I did "this or that or that." If I don't tell, then what rationale do I give him for not wanting to tell him?

 

You could just tell him "okay, that's enough. I want to co-operate with you in moving beyond this situation, but the fact that your colleagues found that book with me in it doesn't give you licence to cross examine me."

 

You're allowed to have boundaries.

[animalover]

 

I just haven't decided if I should reveal all. When he said he wanted to know he actually asked if I did "this or that or that." If I don't tell, then what rationale do I give him for not wanting to tell him?

 

The big question is... wouldn't you like this guy to love you for who you are? Why would you settle for less than full acceptance of who you are and how you have got there?

 

Do you honestly think your relationship will work when you will need to keep lying this guy your whole life?

[RogerWallace111]

I really want to respond to RogerWallace. What you said is not fair. I did not go through some phase where I was into jerks. It just happened that the guys who showed interest in me turned out to be jerks. So it's not like I did "freaky **** quickly" and then looked for a "nice guy."

 

I never said my guy is too tame or docile. It's just that I've been reluctant to get wild. I'm going to change that.

 

And as far as "sweet stable and comfort," yes he IS all of that and that's a GOOD thing! That's how I want him to be.

 

Also, my sex drive is pretty good thank you very much. And if anything, I'm going to indulge my boyfriend so he doesn't feel embarrassed by those stupid pics. I will let him take some shots. I can really see it from the guy's perspective now.

 

I just haven't decided if I should reveal all. When he said he wanted to know he actually asked if I did "this or that or that." If I don't tell, then what rationale do I give him for not wanting to tell him?

 

 

I almost added a disclaimer at the end of my post that it wasn't particularly aimed at you and wasn't necessarily my assessment of your situation. Rather just a little breakdown of something that seems to happen that ThaWholigans post made me think of...

[tbf]

Just make sure that if you get freaky with him, do it because you want to. Don't get freaky to supplicate or you're just adding on more future regrets.

[RogerWallace111]

You sound to me like you have good intentions, OP

 

And I wish you luck. Finding someone you like, feeling like your past wouldn't thrill them, and refraining from telling them is not an uncommon or strange thing. It's normal. In your case, I'd say you may have just been better off should you have indulged him with a bit of your more adventurous side. Because if he were to take charge and make things a little more "kinky" you wouldn't oppose right ? Like you haven't actually lost the capacity to enjoy that stuff, ya know ?

[luvhim]

To Taramere: I know there are boundaries. But he does NOT cross examine me. He's been respectful and just a great guy until all this. But I know he wants to talk specifics. He actually listed stuff which is embarrassing to write here but do I just say no when he asks if I've had butt sex or threesomes? I didn't do that stuff regularly but I did do it, you know?

 

And I should add that that stuff is on his fantasies list

[Taramere]

To Taramere: I know there are boundaries. But he does NOT cross examine me. He's been respectful and just a great guy until all this. But I know he wants to talk specifics. He actually listed stuff which is embarrassing to write here but do I just say no when he asks if I've had butt sex or threesomes? I didn't do that stuff regularly but I did do it, you know?

 

Well, listing stuff that he wants to know about sounds a tad like cross examination to me.

 

Why does he want to know this? Is it because these are things he wants to try with you? If they are, then I think surely he raise that independely of this particular discussion. Not having some checklist of "things you have done with other men and should therefore do with me" in front of him...because, you know, that's what this could turn into. A sort of marking of territory exercise.

[Lonely Ronin]

Well, listing stuff that he wants to know about sounds a tad like cross examination to me.

 

Why does he want to know this? Is it because these are things he wants to try with you? If they are, then I think surely he raise that independely of this particular discussion. Not having some checklist of "things you have done with other men and should therefore do with me" in front of him...because, you know, that's what this could turn into. A sort of marking of territory exercise.

 

That's exactly how i see this going down!

[RogerWallace111]

[Drseussgrrl]

The thought of having to sit down with someone who supposedly loves me and rattling off every thing I've done with other dudes years ago while he secretly cringes and judges me sounds about as fun as scooping my eye out with a spork.

 

Seriously makes me nauseous that people sit around and talk about this stuff. Hell you could be making your OWN memories.

[luvhim]

To Taramere again: Like I added in my post, yes, this stuff IS on his wish list that he's brought up. I guess I played the good girl and really shouldn't have. But when he asks point blank, how do I answer and not have him get pissed off even more?

[animalover]

Ohh ...pfff.... this is really too much drama now...

 

Do what you want! I am not religious but I am praying not to get anyone like you or the advisers... lying to me into my face my whole life!

 

Is funny how people is ok with people lying and misrepresenting themselves... that you accept that other people love you for all the wrong reasons and go to sleep quietly at night with it...

 

Nothing wrong with doing all the sex things that you want in the past...but knowing that all that was in your boyfriend fantasies and not going along with him with them... that shows the love you have for him!

Knowing that he would not be ok with things you have done and lie about it .... it is just fraud!