Will it ever get easier?

[Hopeful79]

I am in a lot of pain right now. I was with my exboyfriend for 2 1/2 yrs. I met him the second week after moving to a new city having just finished a masters degree in Comm Studies (I'm 33 btw, he is 39). He is a physical medicine and rehab doctor and very successful. Things were so wonderful, and eventually I did find a job, not a good one, but working as a customer service representative handling insurance benefits. I hated my job. Anyways, after about 8 mos. or so he asked me to move in with him b/c I was struggling with paying my rent. 4 mos. later I was complaining about how miserable my job was and he said it's OK if I quit, he would support me while i figured stuff out. 4 days later it was July 4 and I was panicking about not having a job and just feeling stressed and not sure if I made the right choice. We were at a party and I drank too much and was crying and just way too drunk. We left before the fireworks and at home I just lost it - he pinned my arms, I was fighting to get free and just really depressed. I suffer from depression....my ex is bipolar 2. He 302'ed me - had me committed into a mental ward. I was there for 9 days, I didn't belong there it was a nightmare. He visited everyday. This was when things just started to go downhill. I had resentment for him doing that to me that i just couldn't get rid of. Our relationship after that point had many ups and downs. One thing we did have was love...we loved each other passionately. I began to get very dependent on him. I wasn't working, he gave me a credit card, paid for everything and had no problem doing it. I lost confidence in myself, I felt like a loser, like I had no place. I didn't like being alone at home all day and at the same time I didn't know what I wanted to do, I'd apply for jobs but couldn't seem to find one, I didn't try as hard as I should and well...depression happened a lot. He took me on vacations, Guatemala, St. John...etc. We struggled a lot with communication - he lacks empathy - he is aware of this, in fact it is his New Year's Resolution this year...to try to be more empathetic. Physically he was there for me, he'd cuddle me, very much into sex, etc...financially he bought me whatever i wanted. Emotionally he didn't really listen to me. He would get sad or depressed about things, have his struggles, and always vent to me, I'd listen. When we had good times they were wonderful, but our fights started getting worse. We'd argue about everything and go from 0 to 100 super fast. When he would go to sleep at night I would sometimes chug vodka...this is awful - I know. He had me going to Outpatient Group Therapy b/c he thought I was so unstable -- right after he had me committed. I spent 3 mos. 3 times a week, 3 hrs. each session going to this group therapy, I hated it. He had me seeing therapists, getting on medication...all of it. I really felt crazy. We also were in couples therapy for a year. I got into ativan for awhile - that was a nightmare. Last year I broke my leg in a bike accident - that was a hard journey of recovery, but 5 mos later I completed a sprint triathlon. Our relationship was just so rocky. The night before we broke up I had gone on one of my drinking binges when he went to bed. I went to bed and was just out of it...telling him to have sex with me, acting nuts. He took me to the hospital again - that morning I walked home in the snow, and that was the end of it. I had no place to go - my parents came to get me. I leased a place and moved out while he was away on business. He didn't want to see or talk to me and communicated to my mother. I lost who I was completely, I was so alone, I didn't know what to do, I wanted to die...all I wanted was to die but wouldn't commit suicide b/c I would never be able to do that to my friends and family. Although I didn't have many close friends in this city b/c my ex had become my world. The couple friends we had we met b/c of me...when he met me I was so confident and outgoing. He recently left his job at the hospital (he is an MD PhD so also had fellows that he taught. He left on bad terms, didn't get along with certain colleagues -- see my ex is never wrong - he really has a big ego. He is leaving to move across the country to go into private practice now with a friend...it's been almost 3 mos...I feel addicted to him. I just can't stop thinking about him. The first month I was pathetic, begging him to take me back. I wouldn't get out of bed...the second month was also very difficult and have been staying with my parents about 3 hrs. away. Then he wanted to see me, we hung out one evening, took our dog for a walk, he took me out to dinner...we had sex. The next night we hung out again, but didn't have sex...it opened much pain and confused me. Then a few wks went by and he wanted to see me again, but spend more time together. We met up last Sat. I let him know that I am not over him, this is hard and I don't think I can be just friends. He told me this was making him irritable, he didn't want to talk about our relationship, lets just enjoy the moment. He told me he has already moved on, breaking up with me was a relief. He looks forward to having sex with other women, dating and getting a new gf. I started to cry - I called my therapist (i have a wonderful therapist)...she told me to get out of there. I didn't listen, I just wanted to be with him however I could. We went hiking...we went back to his, took a nap and cuddled. He took me out to dinner, he held my hand. Back at his we cuddled, we watched tv, we wrestled, we kissed...he was calling me sweetpea again...we had passionate sex. The next morning we cuddled more. I told him this was hard, I am confused...he got irritated...told me to leave. I drove back to my parents....I knew I was used. I called him...he was very mean on the phone, told me to give him space...later he called back. I didn't answer, he apologized on vm and said he looks forward to seeing me again in a few wks (we had another day planned for feb 2). He tried calling again, sent a text apologizing for being so mean. And two emails, saying how I didn't deserve that tone. I finally answered and said it's ok, I accept. I am a sweet caring person, it's hard for me to not be there for someone. We were meant to get together this sat...he emailed me today that we should make reservations at a nice restaurant and he wants me to bring our dog when I come to see him (my dog who I had 2 yrs. before meeting him). I emailed back that I reconsidered and it's not good for me to see him. This is hard for me, I so desperately want to see him, but don't want to be used again. He wrote OK - will he ever see me again. I wrote I hope so. I love you. He wrote back this nice email, how he thinks I am so wonderful, it's hard. His priority is to move on but to never forget what a wonderful person I am and that he loves me.

 

Another thing, physically he finds me perfect...I know this is a reason why he was always so physical with me, he has always told me I am the most beautiful woman.

 

I am leaving for Key Largo in a couple weeks for a month - to continue dive training and maybe get a job down there (I was a SCUBA instructor 4 yrs. ago, working on the Red Sea and Fl)...I am going to get back into diving.

 

I am truly struggling though. I miss my ex more than anything. I feel addicted to him, I feel like I'm suffocating without him, and sometimes the pain and not having him in my life anymore is unbearable. I know our relationship was full of hardships...I know I had become mentally unstable and very dependent...I know I have to be stronger, get my confidence back and be able to take care of me. But I still just want him so badly, I miss him so badly, and I just am so afraid I will never love again, or want to be with anyone else. I want this pain to go...I want to be strong again...yet I keep thinking about his arms around me, holding me tight. I am a mess...and just want to stop hurting.

Edited January 27, 2013 by Hopeful79
additional info

[Inviv_girl]

I think having sex with ex- after the break up is not right, in my opinion you should make it clear with him first about your relationship. If he is telling you he looking forward to have another gf then why are you with him now? you will get even more hurt when he is with another woman. He is using you in the mean time you are with him to fill his needs. He knows you are so desperate and he took that for granted. I know how it feels to be addicted, I am 6 months and Im struggling so much every day missing him and wanted to be with him but I know he is done with me and dont want to be with me so I move forward and doing NC even if it is killing me but I know this is for the best. And if you want to heel you should go for NC, focus on your new job and move on.

[Hopeful79]

Thank you for your advice. It has helped me a lot to see that other people are going through the same pain. I have had breakups before, but never one so significant, with someone who was such a huge part of my life for 2 1/2 yrs. I want him back so badly at the same time in my head I know that we weren't happy together. It's weird, I know. I was so afraid to write my story on here, I was afraid people would reply back meanly. I know I had a lot of problems that happened after we moved in together...losing confidence, becoming needy, making him my world, the drinking when he went to bed, getting too into ativan...it's all terrible stuff. But the lack of empathy and feeling so lost was killing me. I have always been an independent person...but with him, something in me changed...I became so dependent.

 

I know he used me, I know sex was a mistake...I let him do it, I wanted it to so bad because I stupidly thought maybe this will make him want me back, or put hope into things. I wanted so bad to be in his arms again. But last Sat...it was so confusing for me emotionally - especially when he started calling me his sweetpea again...only for it all to be an illusion that ended the next day.

 

DAMN IT, this hurts. It's just so hard, and I don't understand why it is so hard for me to let go of something that was so unhealthy for me.

[Sav]

I can understand your pain. Me and my ex were together for 2.5 years too. When we broke up, I was a mess. A wreck. I showed sides of me people thought I never had. I broke down I cried I bawled.

 

Now at ANY age, breakups suck. No matter we are 10, 20 or a 100, we experience the same hurt when we break up. However, since it already happened, take it as a lesson. Learn to look out for similar signs or signals in the future. Learn what not to do in future relationships. Truthfully, breakups are great lessons in learning about ourselves.

 

Get out of the house if you can, I did that and immediately I felt happy. It wasn't permanent though, I still feel sad and depressed but going out and looking at the sunshine and all really helped me sometimes.

 

Please note that whatever you did was in the past. If the relationship broke down, it's two parties fault. NEVER one. There's always something to take away from a relationship so treasure this chance and learn something . I hope you get past this soon and find yourself again

[Hopeful79]

 

Please note that whatever you did was in the past. If the relationship broke down, it's two parties fault. NEVER one. There's always something to take away from a relationship so treasure this chance and learn something . I hope you get past this soon and find yourself again

 

It was both our faults and now a little over two mos after the breakup I am realizing this. I blamed myself for everything initially. But there was a reason I was not happy with him, for the fighting, drinking etc... and that reason is we weren't good together. I do know that. For me having an empathetic partner who listens to me and is interested in my life before him is important. My ex lacks empathy and lives in his own world. He is a very successful physician, incredibly smart, etc. he loved my quirkiness, my sense of humor, my intelligence and my confidence. I couldn't grow as a person with him- living his dream and forgetting my own. I got so lost trying to be this person I wasn't. He was abused by his mom as a child and he seeked that motherly love from me.

 

When it ended I had no job, home, etc- but great parents who helped. My ex also gave me some money. Now I am pursuing my dream and will get back into the scuba diving industry. I won't be rich or have the fancy home and every financial need take care of - which I had w my ex. But hopefully I can find happiness again - find me again.

 

It truly hurts and I still reach out for him sometimes when I wake up in the middle of the night. I tend to cry myself back to sleep. I just want the pain to stop!

 

I did cancel our sat. date. He asked if he will ever see me again. I just wrote back, I hope so. I love you. He wrote he loves me too and how wonderful I am and that his priority is to move on. I just started crying again. It hurts. I miss him, and I don't want to.

[Zammo25]

" He wrote he loves me too and how wonderful I am and that his priority is to move on. "

 

Then he does not love you does he ? He is just trying to let you down gently. He is gone. If he loved you, if my ex loved me, they would still be with us and fight to their last breath to make it work. The fact they don't and walk away tells you all you need to know about their " love "

[Hopeful79]

" He wrote he loves me too and how wonderful I am and that his priority is to move on. "

 

Then he does not love you does he ? He is just trying to let you down gently. He is gone. If he loved you, if my ex loved me, they would still be with us and fight to their last breath to make it work. The fact they don't and walk away tells you all you need to know about their " love "

 

It's so hard to accept that. I believe there is love he feels but not the same. Sometimes I think in time he will date others and then want to come back to me. He will be living is Seattle though - and I will probably be in the Florida Keys - so even if that did happen and I went back to him it would be me who would have to move to Seattle and once again I would be giving a lot up again. He used to always tell me his career would always come before mine, which makes sense since he is a physician. I wasn't ready to "settle down" yet, though I did try in a way.

 

I just wish it didn't hurt so much. If he were to want me back right now I would give up all my plans to get back into the dive industry - which would be stupid of me I know. I am just tired of constantly thinking about him and missing him and wanting him.

[Zammo25]

It's so hard to accept that. I believe there is love he feels but not the same. Sometimes I think in time he will date others and then want to come back to me. He will be living is Seattle though - and I will probably be in the Florida Keys - so even if that did happen and I went back to him it would be me who would have to move to Seattle and once again I would be giving a lot up again. He used to always tell me his career would always come before mine, which makes sense since he is a physician. I wasn't ready to "settle down" yet, though I did try in a way.

 

I just wish it didn't hurt so much. If he were to want me back right now I would give up all my plans to get back into the dive industry - which would be stupid of me I know. I am just tired of constantly thinking about him and missing him and wanting him.

 

He has checked out of the relationship. When they do this male or female it is OVER. Sorry to be harsh but that is the way it is.

[Hopeful79]

I know...

 

I just get this internal feeling I will never get over this. That he will forever be in my head, constantly. That I won't find love again...I'm actually scared if I do find love I may end up going through this pain all over again, and I don't want that to happen again.

[Zammo25]

I know...

 

I just get this internal feeling I will never get over this. That he will forever be in my head, constantly. That I won't find love again...I'm actually scared if I do find love I may end up going through this pain all over again, and I don't want that to happen again.

 

Don't be sad. You will find love again and a much better love.

[fallenheart]

In my experience, no; it does not get any easier. In fact, it gets worse.

 

Sorry.