TommyGirl Posted August 25, 2004 Share Posted August 25, 2004 Hey guys, some of you may remember my post: I had the ex-fiancee, we broke up about 5 months ago. He needed to be sure if I was the one, after 2 and a half years together. He left for a job in another state after we graduated in December last year. I did not beg or plead, he has done all the contacting since then. He said he wanted to be best friends, but I told him it was too hard because, he had a friend/girlfriend.He always said if he was to become more mature, could he come back to me and stuff like that. I would always say I don't know. He emailed about a month ago, saying he was one of the best men in the world and that what was I deserved. He said that because I always get mad when he wants to know who I am dating and whether they are treating me right. He also said he believes that he is the only man in the world who will treat me like I wanted to be treated. I didn't pay it much attention, and he wondered why I didn't. About two weeks ago, he called me 10 times in one day. After the fourth time, my coworker answered the phone and told him that I was busy. He called again about an hour later. Later on that day he called five more times, I did not answer the phone, because he knows I don't like talking to him alot and he will not respect that, so I don't answer the phone when he calls. He also had text messaged me the day before, asking me "do you text message." I did not reply back. Anyway, the next morning, he called me, and so I answered the phone this time, because it was really early in the morning. He asked why I did not answer the phone and I told him I was busy, and he said that he just wanted to see how I was doing. I said you had to call me 10 times in one day just to see how I was doing? I asked him why he didn't leave a voicemail and he didn't say why. His mother said he was comfortable and happy with his new friend. He said he was not for me, but he did not want me to get married or have a boyfriend. he knows I don't listen when he says that stuff.I don't bother him at all, at gave him his space and let him live his life, and all I asked was him to leave me alone so I could move on with my life. I understand that he wants to check on me and see how I am doing, without it meaning that he wants to get back with me, but I don't think it should be every week, or every month for that matter especially when you have someone else in your life. I told him to only call me every once in awhile or once a month, but he could not do that. So now, if I want to hear from him, I will have to call him. He says that he is worried that I won't call him ever again. He is probably right, and I told him that I didn't know whether I would ever call him again or not. I just don't understand what's going on with him, we were never best friends in the relationship, because he didn't share all his problems with me, so I don't know what it is. He says he doesn't feel guilty because he feels like he did the right thing by breaking off the relationship. I don't know what's going on. I guess I'm just venting. Thanks for reading and replies are welcome. Link to post Share on other sites
RegretItNow Posted August 25, 2004 Share Posted August 25, 2004 Hi TommyGirl, thanks for replying to my post the other day. Thought I'd return the favour, especially as it seems quite close to home. If its anything like the situation I'm currently going through, it sounds like he feels guilty about breaking up with you and is trying to find a way to make up for that by checking up on you and making sure you're being treated right, but taking it a bit too far. Once in a while, as you suggested, would seem more appropriate. I know he says he doesn't feel guilty about breaking up because it was the right thing, but believe me, even when its the right thing its still possible to feel like c**p. Maybe he hasn't fully moved on from you. I don't mean to say that he wants to get back with you, just that maybe he hasn't dealt with the guilt of hurting someone very close to him, even if he still thinks it was the right thing to do. As for him not sharing all his problems in his relationship, some people (usually men) are like that. Its hard for them to talk about negative aspects of their life, either because they don't want to appear what they perceive as being needy or weak to their partner. They think 'I can sort this out all on my own' (again, a very male trait). You've probably heard all this stuff already, but speaking as someone who recognises bits of himself in your ex (but is trying to change) I thought I'd offer a view from the other side. Hope it helps. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TommyGirl Posted August 25, 2004 Author Share Posted August 25, 2004 Thanks for the reply RegretItNow, yeah I understand where you are coming from and I thought that he was taking things too far. I don't understand, if I hurt someone unintentionally, I would at least respect their wishes, I felt that he was just trying to keep his self feeling good I guess. Any more replies are welcome. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TommyGirl Posted August 25, 2004 Author Share Posted August 25, 2004 And another thing, every issue of why he could be calling imaginable, I have discussed it with him. I told him not to call me because he feels bad for me, and he said that he wasn't. I told him not to call me if he was trying to make himself feel better and he said he wasn't. And I asked every other reason I could think of. So I don't know, he is usually very honest about things. Link to post Share on other sites
RegretItNow Posted August 25, 2004 Share Posted August 25, 2004 If he wasn't sharing his problems in the realtionship why would he start now? If was the case then it seems logical he would deny calling to feel better about himself, or to stop himself feeling bad. That again makes him appear needy and weak. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TommyGirl Posted August 26, 2004 Author Share Posted August 26, 2004 RegretItNow, I have even lied and told him that I was with someone new and wonderful and thought that maybe that was all he needed to hear to know that I was doing okay and I had moved on, but it got even worse after then! I told him not to call me, and I thought that would kill the guilty feelings of him dumping me. I was happy when I talked to him and thought that would make him stop calling after he saw that I was doing and feeling alright. So I don't know.... Link to post Share on other sites
SMF Posted August 26, 2004 Share Posted August 26, 2004 Regretitnow- I have read your posts.... Have you decided if you wanted to go back with your ex? When I read your post it hit close to home ( i thought for a minute you were my ex)...! First, let me comment on TommyGirl- I agree with what Regretitnow saids as it is evident that he definitely cared he just is showing it in odd ways. He definitely is feeling guilty based on what you said but that is not a reason to get back together. I think it is very hard to put a lot of credence in an ex when you are asking them questions about the relationship- for example you asking him why he is calling.. do you really think he is going to give you a straight answer? My gutt tells me that if he was calling bc he wanted to be back together- he would say so. And if he is calling to check in - that is bc he wants to keep you at arms length in case all fails with the ex. Its a very tough position for you to be in. Now, question Regretitnow... do you feel guilty? My ex and I broke up about 5 weeks ago (he is 29 and I am 26) healthy, happy- moving towards engagement yet he never told me that he loved me which was a red flag and one of the only disagreements/tiffs we had in about 8 months. Everything else was honkey dory. Then out of the blue, via phone while I was with him face to face 3 days prior (where he lied and said all was fine, he would never lead me astray, he was excited to live together) HE BROKE IT OFF! Out of no where, no signs of unahppiness... Low and behold... we had several instances of communication but for the most part I held off in contacting him... One instance he said he wasn't ready to reconsider and speaking wasn't helpful.... Another time he said he needed time Another instance he said he lost feeligns and he just "got caught" up in the talk about the future... BULLLLLLL So here I am - barely speaking/never seeing this person and I am confused bc I wonder why it is so easy for him to get over someone and move on.... When for me, I thought i was going to spend the rest of my life with this person so how is that something that you can just quickly move on from... A boys opinion is helpful Link to post Share on other sites
Author TommyGirl Posted August 27, 2004 Author Share Posted August 27, 2004 Well SMF, I agree that it is a tough position to put me in. I'm not looking for him to ask me back out or for whatever reason. I just wanted to know was this normal behavior and just about how many people do do this after they break up with someone, especially after almost 6 months of breaking up. I know that he cares, maybe in a friendly way and I have no problem with him calling me every blue moon to check up on me, but I think what he is doing ridiculous and I just wanted someone to confirm that I was not the crazy one. I can talk to him without me questioning what are his intentions, but only if he is talking about general stuff and stuff not dealing with me or anything about a relationship, but he cannot seem to do that no matter how much I ask him too. Link to post Share on other sites
SMF Posted August 27, 2004 Share Posted August 27, 2004 You are w/out a doubt not the crazy one. Its quite confusing to be in your shoes I would imagine. Link to post Share on other sites
shellen Posted August 28, 2004 Share Posted August 28, 2004 hmmm after 1 yr, my ex still questions me who im gg out with and if it's male....more questions will follow.... he say he is just being concern and curious but he was too persistent in looking for his answers to be just concern and curious i feel... and he will stop talking to me if i din give him the answers... and in the past i still cannot deal with losing him completely so i always gave in and told him everything lol... Link to post Share on other sites
Velveteel Posted August 28, 2004 Share Posted August 28, 2004 I don't know if your ex feels guilty about leaving you, but I do think--and I'm speaking as a very possessive person--that he's possessive and controlling. On some level, he wants both you and the new girlfriend. That's natural, although not the nicest behavior. What is less understandable--also less kind, less honest, less mature--is that he seems to want to reinforce his ego by making sure you understand how fantastic he is, how well he treats (or treated) you, and what a big loss it is for you that he's moved on. These kind of conversations not only keep you attached to him (at least in his mind), but are intended to prevent you from finding someone else. Someone better. Those remarks chip away at your self-esteem. Why wouldn't you find someone else, frankly? Does he really think you won't attract kindness and good treatment from another man? That's pretty insulting. I recommend you put a lot of distance between the two of you for a while. Maybe six months or a year without contact. When he calls, just tell him your private life is private, and that you don't want to hear from him for a year, or whatever it is. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TommyGirl Posted August 28, 2004 Author Share Posted August 28, 2004 Velveteel, Your response was right on. I think that is exactly what he is doing. I thought that this was wrong, but I just needed some clarification from someone else. He was controlling and possesive of me. But the reason why we fought all the time was because I was too independant for that, but I knew that he had great qualities that I liked in a man, that a man was suppose to have. But being controlling and possesive does not look good though. He was suppose to be a man of God and I guess I was giving him the benefit of the doubt about this situation. It's crazy Velveteel, to even think that he would do me like this and when we talk he doesn't want me to tell no one else what he says. If I want to talk to him, I will have to call next time. I will never call him again. I know that you said that you were possessive, did you act anything like he did? Link to post Share on other sites
Trager Posted August 28, 2004 Share Posted August 28, 2004 i'd have to agree, he sounds way possesive, i'm quite a possesive person and i still contact my ex's. Cors i do it cus i perfer to stay friends. U realize that if he dosent stop calling u when u tell him to he is not respecting you. Have u ever told him that he should worry about his friend/girlfriend more and not u? I mean you deserve to move on and not have to be confronted with this every day. I hate to say it but it sounds like if he dosent stop calling u aught to change ur # so he cant call, or call ur operater and have his # blocked, that way u can call him but he cant call u. and good job with the txts, if u txt him back he will assume u have it, even if u dont have a plan for it ur bill will go up drasticly.. trust me. its happend to me before. And even if he justs wants to check in on u, why by phone, u obiously have a comp, why not give him an email adress just for him, u can get yahoo new ones, and several.. for free, then u can hear what he wants to say at your desire. or just not at all! Link to post Share on other sites
Author TommyGirl Posted August 29, 2004 Author Share Posted August 29, 2004 Trager, you say you do it to stay friends, but what do you guys talk about? DO you not want them to date? Link to post Share on other sites
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