Trying to get over my jealousy

[Latina_B]

I have an issue with my jealousy. I'm trying so hard to get over it but things my boyfriend does makes it difficult. It's not my boyfriend per se, more his ex is the problem. Here's a little history about my boyfriend and his ex.

 

They were together for 4 years. On and off. Things were pretty intense between them. They were living together, she got pregnant but she lost the baby. Things started to go downhill for them. He didn't communicate as much as she wanted to so she broke up with him.

 

A month later after they broke up he met me (on a dating site). This is what I found out during our relationship. Him and his ex texted on a daily basis. He was the one who sought her out. I knew he was still in love with her (he had told me so. Why I stayed knowing this I do not know. Maybe it was because we connected on a level higher than I've ever connected before?). Then a couple months in I found out she was still in love with him. We had a huge argument because of this. I felt I was rebound girl. I asked him to stop contacting her. He did.

 

6 or 7 months in, I was staying the night at his place. We were sleeping when guess who calls at 4am? His ex! He calls back with no hesitation. He was on the phone with her for 2 hours! I unintentionally heard most of the conversation since his phone volume was maxed out. She was crying to him about the guy she was with, bla bla bla. Another huge fight followed and eventually ended up with me giving him an ultimatum. (I've never given one before) Either her or me? He chose me of course.

 

10 months in, I find out his ex has been contacting him. Begging him to get back together with her. She regrets breaking up with him. She still loves him. He never replied to her. And then she gets into a car accident. He would've gone to see her but respected my wishes and did not.

 

He is a great guy. I trust him but I DO NOT trust women with him. He even told me that many chicks fall for him easily because he's a great listener and a great friend etc...

 

We just celebrated our one year anniversary and I hope we will stay together. This weekend, I hate to admit it but I did some snooping around. Don't judge me. I know it was wrong and believe me it WILL be the last time I do that. I found a recent letter from his ex. I get suspicious as there was no addresses on the letter. Just his name. Curious to how he got this letter I read it. What a big mistake. I got so upset. I was debating whether I should tell him about the letter but if I did then that would mean I would have to admit I snooped around. The guilt was too much so I told him. He said whatever was his was mine but was disappointed in me for snooping and not trusting him. He said if I look for it I will eventually find it. (Don't know how to take that but ok).

 

I know he loves me to death and will never hurt me. And I love him as well but I'm so hungover on his ex. I'm trying so hard to get over my jealousy but it's so hard. So basically my question is, am I right in being jealous or am I just really insecure?

Edited January 28, 2013 by Latina_B

[coffeebean201]

The problem isn't her. The problem is he never got over her. If she was moving on with someone else and getting married, then you wouldn't have to worry about betrayal in the future.

[Latina_B]

The problem isn't her. The problem is he never got over her. If she was moving on with someone else and getting married, then you wouldn't have to worry about betrayal in the future.

 

I've asked him if he was still in love with her. He told me he loves her but is not in love with her. Mind you she's not the only one he talks to. He basically talks to all of his exs (who still talk to him) and a bunch of other females.

[coffeebean201]

Sounds like he is loyal and dating you.

 

But they undeniably have an attraction. That is a fact.

 

Hope she falls in love and marries someone else.

[toddles92]

I understand the feeling of jealousy all too well, my boyfriend has always attracted a lot of attention from women, and he was only a couple of months out of a horrific relationship when we started out (though it was horrific in the fact that she cheated on him every chance she could get).

What you really need to remember is that he's had many chances to go back to the woman he almost had a child with (which is a HUGE deal), but he stayed with you. You've had arguments on the specific matter, and during those arguments he could've easily said that it was too hard for him and he wanted to go back, but he remained with you. That took a lot for him to do and I think your boyfriend is a very respectful man.

 

The problem came that you two got together so soon after he broke up with her. But it happened when it happened, and that can't be changed now. Timing matters to a degree, but it doesn't have to define your whole relationship. Trust me.

 

Just keep remembering that he fought a huge inner battle to decide whether he should stand with you or his ex, and in his mind, for whatever reason, you came out on top. Jealousy is perfectly natural when you really love someone, and I know jealousy is hard to deal with, but if you remember to think of the good that he's shown you, you'll get past it. It is hard work, but you'll come to trust the love that he has for you.