nicolesg84 Posted January 28, 2013 Share Posted January 28, 2013 I have been with the same guys for 6 yrs this may. i have two kids from a past marriage and we have a son together...we have been living together for 5 yrs and he is in the army with 2 deployments to iraq since we been together (among a few other deployments stateside).. he first brought up marriage to make it so he can go active military due to us haveing a son...now that he dont need to do that he has not brought it up. When i bring it up all i get as a reply is "marriage seems so permanent...i dont understand this since we have a child together i am divorced from my ex i dont talk to him because we were married i talk to him because we have two kids...the kids are permenant not the marriage...what do i do? do i stay do i give him a time frame...i will be 30 in three yrs and i dont want to be just a girlfriend at 30... Link to post Share on other sites
TripperX Posted January 29, 2013 Share Posted January 29, 2013 Don't listen to people like "just a poster" that only want to throw stupid clichés out there. People fall in love and make mistakes......and this guy kind of sounds like a mistake! It would seem he really has no interest in marriage but wants someone to take care of kids, house...and him! I have seen guys like this before both while in the military and not...he will string you along until he tires of you or finds someone else. You need to make some hard choices about what you want out of life for you and your kids and do what will be right for all of you...even if it means walking...or running away from the current situation......good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Turtles Posted January 29, 2013 Share Posted January 29, 2013 I don't understand his point of view - having a child is a much bigger commitment than getting married. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ceres12 Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 A co worker and i had this conversation once, that is why you don't move in with him until it is official, i mean otherwise they get the freebies without commitment and when i mean commitment i mean walking away whenever they see fit or use an excuse to. In regards to freebies, Seems to me he just wants someone to take care of house duties, sex and what not and then thats it, when someone wants to marry you they simply marry you and a child is much more commitment than marriage because it is another human being you HAVE TO look out for and take care off it is not a dog and it is not an option a child is present you can not simply get rid of it,marriage it is optional, you do choose to have it and even get rid of it. if after 6 years he does not want to get married dont waste your valuable precious time, child or not do not waste your time. If he does not want to commit you cant force it, it should grow on him to do so he should bring it up again and again and again until it is official not make it sound like a burden. And he is military there is a lot of stuff going on during deployments drinking, sex, etc (am a military wife myself and based on base housing, its all bull**** they drink they do all sorts of crap and yes those who are deployed even nearby all sorts of crap goes down including cheating) All am saying if he is military and he does not want commitment ovbiously he enjoys what he does and does not want you to jeopardize it and if your about to be 30 am assuming he is going to be 30 or near his 30s then he still wants to be considered doing his "own thing". Please do not waste your time, life flies by and your still young. best of luck Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 Oh my God, this old chestnut again.... Women who want marriage and commitment, and wonder why, so many years down the line, they still don't have it. Please get this: He doesn't want to marry you, and if he has his way, never will. Why should he? he has a mother for his son, devotedly bringing him up, and waiting at home for him. In his eyes - "If it ain't broke, why fix it?" From his PoV there's absolutely no need whatsoever to tie the knot. From your PoV, you'd feel more secure, more validated and feel you're worth it. But you can't apply the thumbscrews.... It's been a while and you've put up with it so far. Up to you how this goes on.... Link to post Share on other sites
HurtZ Posted February 4, 2013 Share Posted February 4, 2013 (edited) ok well first off, do you want to be 40 and still a girlfriend? Because that is what happened to my sister. She was in a relationship for 10 years to a major commitment phobe. Eventually she had to end it. She just turned 40, but she is happier now and has an awesome hunk of a boyfriend. I live with my boyfriend for about a year and we are already talking about marriage & kids. I worried about this scenario too before I moved in with him but it just made more sense to live together. I believe men won't ask you until THEY are ready whether you live with them or not. It doesn't sound like this guy will ever be ready. But you want a plan to get this guy into matrimony territory. You have to tell him in a non-confrontational way that you love him dearly and want to be his wife. That it means a lot to you and your child. Then let it drop. Give him a few more months to come around. In the meantime, Make him dinner every week-night (google "engagement chicken"), have sex with him, buy sexy lingerie, take extra care of your appearance (no guy wants to marry a frump) be supportive and interested in the things he does. Have some of your own interests too... be a little less available. Go out one night with your friends...take your child on a trip somewhere without him. Just be less around -- but when you are be like the perfect girlfriend soon to be wife. Make him feel like he'd be crazy not to marry you. Quit acting like you are already married, because you aren't. So stop thinking like a married woman. Men desire the chase. It's part of their DNA. He's already got you, so why should he make it legal? There's nothing in it for him. So get a life of your own that is outside of him and the family. Take a class, go back to school, learn a new skill...whatever you like to do. This will invoke in him a feeling that he needs to keep you around, that your life doesn't just revolve around him, the house, family, and kids. You will have to make an extra effort because its probably like you are already married. But you did this to yourself. So now you have to put yourself in a different mindset. You have to actually be JUST THE GIRLFRIEND. After about 3 months of this, bring up the topic of marriage again. See if he has changed any.. if not, you may be wise to move on so you don't waste more time. good luck. Edited February 4, 2013 by HurtZ Link to post Share on other sites
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