men, huh!

[christine]

is there anyway to get a guy to see his own faults instead of always seeing mine? i'm so tired of my bf blaming things on me that don't even have to do with me cause he is so use to things being my fault.

 

i started counseling a while ago and have been on some medication that has helped me alot to clear up my distorted thinking.

 

since i've been on medication, i've been better able to see what is his "stuff" and what is "my stuff" so to speak, and i'm finding that he still tries to blame me for "his stuff".

 

i don't think this is right nor fair and i'm tired of it. i try to tell him that he could use a little counseling advice as well but he thinks it's all me.

 

what can i do? anything? is there something i can say to him to wake him up to the fact that he does have problems too and blaming me for things is a major one?

[Tony T]

YOU ASK: "is there anyway to get a guy to see his own faults instead of always seeing mine?"

 

Hey, guys don't have faults!!!

 

Seriously, people usually know their shortcomings...at least some of them. What we see as shortcomings in others may have been valued behavior in their family of origin. We basically see and judge things through our own perspective. They say men are from mars and women are from venus. So it stands to reason that men will see things in a mars perspective and women will see men in a venus perspective, even though the men are from mars. Are you following me?

 

What I'm trying to say is that what you see as a fault in a guy...may not be judged as a fault by the guy himself...or even another girl. What some ladies admire in a certain man, others may despise.

 

If you tell a guy that certain of his behaviors bothers or offends you and he does not take action to change that behavior, then he is being inconsiderate and insensitive. Also, he's not showing a lot of understanding or respect for the relationship.

 

Guys see women's faults the same way, through their own personal perspective. So a fault is only a fault if another person perceives it as such. A guy's long hair may be a fault to some women and a plus to others.

 

THE YOU ASK: "what can i do? anything? is there something i can say to him to wake him up to the fact that he does have problems too and blaming me for things is a major one?

 

This is difficult. People usually find faults in other people to divert attention from themselves and to make themselves feel better. Your boyfriend most likely has serious self esteem and self image issues. People who like themselves and are confident don't go around cutting other people down. The ones who put others down all the time do so simply to feel better about themselves. This is pretty sick but it happens.

 

This is most likely what your boyfriend is doing and talking to him about it is most likely to piss him off. If you start doing things to make him feel better about himself, build him up, compliment him, etc., this may work. If you really want to blow his mind, every time he cuts you down, say something really nice about him. Don't fight, don't argue, this will get you nowhere anyway. Over a period of time, when he sees he can't get to you and when he starts feeling better about himself, he will probably change.

 

There is also a good probability that at least one, or maybe both, of his parents cut him down a lot when he was growing up. There are some really crappy parents out their who ought to be shot for screwing up their kids this way. If his parents constantly tore him down or tore each other down, he learned this was the way that people related to each other. Yes, pretty sick...but it happens every minute of every hour of every day.

 

So now that you have some insight, instead of getting yourself all worked up about this, instead of arguing and being upset, just have some fun with it.

 

If it gets really old, find a nice guy who loves you and sees only the very best in you...a guy who will ignore any of your faults if there is a very remote chance you have any.

 

I think that's what love is all about, anyway, Accepting a person for the way they are...mostly. If you can't do that, go find somebody you can accept.

 

If I had a penny for every woman in the world who wanted to change a man, I would be richer than Bill Gates.

[ReallyReallyConfused]

i was in the exact same situation once as you once and i know how hard it is, especially when you love them and you really hope they will change. but the fact of the matter is, nobody can change a person unless that person wants to change for themselves.

 

You are going to emotionally drain yourself if you continue in these circles. he is basically putting you down because he doesn't have the courage to face up to the fact that he's human too and makes mistakes. it's easier for him to put the blame on you because he doesn't feel so bad. but that's selfish of him and it's inconsiderate towards you. he may not be that way delibarately, but he is still making you unhappy, and that's not fair.

 

he won't change until he can admit he has a problem. but be fair on yourself and your own happiness - him not admitting to problems is his problem, which in turn has become your problem. don't make it your problem anymore. this guy needs a wake-up call and maybe the best wake-up call is for you to leave him and he will realise that the same problems are still there, even if you're not. maybe then he will wake-up and realise that you never were the problem, he was, and he might make an effort to change for your sake.

 

it worked for me for a while (i ended up leaving him for good because he slipped back into his old ways), but you never know. sometimes people need to be shocked into reality, even if it does hurt you to do it. but you need to hang on to your own sanity and your own happiness, because nothing you can say will help. you need actions here because you can't keep going around in circles. things will only stay the same if you do.

 

good luck.

 

is there anyway to get a guy to see his own faults instead of always seeing mine? i'm so tired of my bf blaming things on me that don't even have to do with me cause he is so use to things being my fault. i started counseling a while ago and have been on some medication that has helped me alot to clear up my distorted thinking. since i've been on medication, i've been better able to see what is his "stuff" and what is "my stuff" so to speak, and i'm finding that he still tries to blame me for "his stuff". i don't think this is right nor fair and i'm tired of it. i try to tell him that he could use a little counseling advice as well but he thinks it's all me. what can i do? anything? is there something i can say to him to wake him up to the fact that he does have problems too and blaming me for things is a major one?

[Fire]

What kind of counsellor have you got that would give you medication to see another person's faults?

 

I am firmly against doctors perscribing medication to help with psychological problems that can be resolved more effectively by talking or doing a creative activity.

 

I say NO TO DRUGS! NO TO PROSAC!! It's evil medicine.

[Fire]

is there anyway to get a guy to see his own faults instead of always seeing mine? i'm so tired of my bf blaming things on me that don't even have to do with me cause he is so use to things being my fault. i started counseling a while ago and have been on some medication that has helped me alot to clear up my distorted thinking. since i've been on medication, i've been better able to see what is his "stuff" and what is "my stuff" so to speak, and i'm finding that he still tries to blame me for "his stuff". i don't think this is right nor fair and i'm tired of it. i try to tell him that he could use a little counseling advice as well but he thinks it's all me. what can i do? anything? is there something i can say to him to wake him up to the fact that he does have problems too and blaming me for things is a major one?

[Tony T]

Just wanted to add that it is best to follow your doctors orders concerning any medications he may administer. Ask questions if you like and be sure to take the medication until both you and the doctor mutually agree you no longer need it. As you said, you seem to be doing better on it.

[Paulie]

Honey...you obviously need to educate yourself. Many a close friend of mine, along with countless individuals who may have been up a dark creek without an oar had it not been for SSRI's like Luvox, Prozac, Zoloft and Paxil. Please read a little about them before you go on spouting your ignorance.

 

And for the record,

 

No, they are NOT evil.

[Fire]

They are very dangerous. Absolutely horrible. There are homeopathic and other alternative methods to cure depression before resorting to drugs.

 

It seems to me that doctors will perscribe drugs too fast before really getting to the heart of the problem.

 

You can call me ignorant if you want, but my heart and intution say it is just a cop-out BIG MONEY MAKING method for doctors and pharmacists to screw people BIG TIME