roro1 Posted January 28, 2013 Share Posted January 28, 2013 I have neglected my wifes feelingsand hardened her heart for several years,we have been married for 10 years together for 15. we have a 4yr old girl,she had enough and wanted to separate 3 weeks ago (inhome no where else for us to go) this truely opened my eyes and i know i can correct the damage i have done if she would give me the chance to put everything else aside and start putting her first,she wanted nothing to do with fixxing the marriage she said she also had no interest in other guys. well i knew something wasnt right tonight and looked at her phone. she has been having a emotional affair with a married man for the last 3 weeks ,trying to get him to cheat on his wife (who is in the hospital recovering from life theatning surgery) this couple is friends with my wife and her friends. i know im gonna get alot of negative feed back from this but i was mad,i gave her the option of ending it and keeping it a secret if she will agree to work on our marriage and give me that chance. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladybugz Posted January 28, 2013 Share Posted January 28, 2013 Well be happy that you got one reply on this. And why would you wait till she wants to leave to come up with those nice storys about you know you was wrong , you know what to do to make it right. But you had and knew the problem times ago but did notting about it. Im afraid you just want to come in action cause she started looking for what you are not giving her in another men. I hope you really realize what you have done and that its not just a reaction cause you are afraid to be divorced. Otherwise you would be wasting her life.And things will end up worse at the end. Link to post Share on other sites
ataloss8270 Posted January 28, 2013 Share Posted January 28, 2013 I'm sure this emotional affair has been going on longer than 3 weeks, but that's neither here or there. IMO start working on yourself, become a better man. Not a different man, just a better version of you. Your wife married you for a reason. Remember who you were 15 years ago and become a better version of that man. As for talking to her about relationship problems. Drop it all, unless she brings it up. And agree with whatever she has to say. It sounds stupid, but it will save you a whole lot of stress trying to figure out the right words to get her to reconsider your marriage. Its worked for me so far, and its gotten me a better person relationship with my wife/STBXW, which ever way she decides to go. But its also help me mentally, because I'm no longer trying to figure out what to say and what I should have said. And its ended all conflict on my side of things. And it will save your pride. Link to post Share on other sites
Author roro1 Posted January 28, 2013 Author Share Posted January 28, 2013 (edited) it has only been going on for 2 weeks,this i know now,cause everything is out in the open,remember this other man and his wife where friends of ours,and she persude him threw text, its started with joking around and then she started making comments about wanting to meet him somewhere and he told her he couldnt do it to his wife, his wife now also knows about this, this all came about last night,i have talked to him and seen all the messages on his phone,she was trying to get him to cheat on his wife. i think to somehow just make herself go threw with the divorce,like she needed that extra (well it to late now) know what i mean. i know she is confused,because this is not like my wife,she has never acted this way,even he said it was a shock cause it just didnt seem like her. what sould i do,remember i have a 4yr old little girl to worry about. we never have yelling fights ever,she just says she has been unhappie for a while and wants out,now because of what all happened last night she says i keep pushing her to fix the marriage and she doesnt know what she wants,one hour before this all came out see told me divorce was my only option and we were talking about how to divide assets Edited January 28, 2013 by roro1 Link to post Share on other sites
ataloss8270 Posted January 28, 2013 Share Posted January 28, 2013 Than agree. There's nothing you can say, or do right now to have her change her mind. Make it real for her. She may change her mind as things become more real as you go along. But as of right now argueing with her is just causing her to have more negative feeling. And she's in love with her negative feelings. The more you fight them, the more they lock in place. Just go with the flow at this point. And just keep in mind whatever happens, happens. You can't control anything right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author roro1 Posted January 28, 2013 Author Share Posted January 28, 2013 i agree,but its hard because she is making irrashinal decisions,because she it trying to grab on to anything else she can find,like i told her i could she if it was someone she met out,or at the store,but this was her friends husband (and that friend is in the hospital recovering from a kidny transplant) while she was trying to get her husband to cheat on her,thats not someing my wife would do, ive beed with her since she was 15,shes thirty now and has never acted this way,im a little concerned about her. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted January 28, 2013 Share Posted January 28, 2013 You just blew up her fantasyland. You destroyed any opportunity for her to be with this guy. So, now she wants to divorce you because she's mad as hell. I have a feeling that when reality of the threat of divorce starts creeping her head, she may want to start working on things. But, in the meantime. You need to look into doing the 180. Link to post Share on other sites
Author roro1 Posted January 28, 2013 Author Share Posted January 28, 2013 she wants the divorce,not me. this guy the last few days was telling her it wasnt gonna happen,he showed me the messages Link to post Share on other sites
Holyoak Posted January 28, 2013 Share Posted January 28, 2013 Work on you?... Maybe I'd look real effin hard at the person who propositioned sex outside the marriage. You don't deal with that, all the fixing up of you won't do jack. Seems she had a hell of a lot of much better, honorable options out there if truly unhappy, rather than drop like selfish gutter scum; but cheaters are selfish and liars by nature. I get real tired of knee jerk cheaters crap "I was lonely/bored/sad" as an excuse to cheat, maybe she just wanted it, and didn't give a damn how you felt. Also, you busted her, not as if she was going to tell you; this is huge. even without a PA, she has done a terrible thing, and should be begging YOU for the chance to reconcile. Also know, it may be entirely possible as time rolls on, you may not want to be with her, and that is just fine too. Please don't try to nice/sex/rationalize her out of what is messed up inside her, she broke it, she needs to step up and work 110% to try and fix the mess, or you go 110% toward divorce if she is unremorseful, unwilling, blaming you, gaslighting, minimizing, whatever... The affair is 150% on her! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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