sweetp1771 Posted August 25, 2004 Share Posted August 25, 2004 Well im new to this forum and i'm hoping for alittle advice. I'm currently in a longterm realtionship and we just got engaged 6 months ago. wedding date isn't set til next year. I've been married and divorced before and this is my fiance's first. My question is i've had a real problem with infidelity in partners i always seem to get cheated on and i always seem so blind to the signs. But because of my divorce i've set certain expectations for my fiance that i'n not sure if they are to harsh. In the past he admitted to going to bars and pretending to be single and getting girls numbers and admitted to going and seeing one of the girls at work. than after we talked he said he'd never do that again or hide thiongs from me. Than a couple of weeks later he went to a party with one of the girls he met and lied to me about it. When i founf out he lied he said he lied as to not to hurt me. I've been very stern about my oppinion on being lied to i don't tolerate it i've told him no more lying and hiding things. But because i feel insecure i check his e-mail a lot to see what he's doing and see if he's doing anything he's agreed to stop for me. Just recently he got a new e-mail acount and promised me that it was just to be able to buy stuff for me and me not ot see it. However i found out he lied and he joined a rate me site and is using that other e-mail for that. I jsi'm just getting tired of to me what seem like childish excuses and him telling me he wants do to what he wants to do. Am i being unreasonable by worrying if he's lying to me all tahe time or do i have a reason to think that way. He thinks i should just forgive and foget everything that if he says sorry than it's ok, but nto me it's not ok when it keeps happening. ......just confused. Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted August 25, 2004 Share Posted August 25, 2004 I think that since you've been burned in the past by other people that you aren't going to give your new man a fair shake. Since these things have happened in the past, your security within yourself has been shakened. You have put expectations on him that are going to be next to impossible to keep. So prepare yourself for disappointments. My wife and I where driving down the road with my brother and his fiance' when I noticed a girl holding up a sign for a free car wash....she was dressed very skimply.....I made the comment, "WHOA!!! Check that out!!! She's a hot little thing isn't she?". My brother looked at me like he was expecting my wife to clobber me over the head with a brick and his fiance' had a dropped jaw like as to say....."Oh boy.....here it comes!!!". My wife just said, "Honey, you're way too old for that, she'd give you a heart attack, you couldn't handle it"......I responded, "Yeah, you're probably right". Later on my brother told me that I had balls to say that in front of my wife, that his fiance' would've killed him!!! I admit, that when we were first married we were the same way. But now we realize that we have a right to our own opinions on who's hot and who's not and we don't take offense to it. I'm comfortable that I'm the only one she wants to be with, and she's the only one I want to be with. You're going to have to find that comfort with your new man. It'll be hard in the beginning, especially since you've been hurt before. But give your new man some credit......he's gonna look, he's a man.......but he LOVES you..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author sweetp1771 Posted August 25, 2004 Author Share Posted August 25, 2004 I don't care that he looks at other woman or even comments on them i guess i wirry because he said one reason he was acting single in the past is because he was unsure this is what he wanted i guess i'm afraid of being strung along until he finds this isn't what he wants, he doesn't communicate with me much on how he's feeling i'm always guessing. but we've gotten better i know relationships are about work i guess i don't want to be naive again like i was in the past. Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted August 25, 2004 Share Posted August 25, 2004 I can certainly understand that......One thing that came to mind when I read your response about him acting single....maybe he's a little insecure about himself. I mean, my wife just loves it when another man whistles at her or breaks their neck to watch her walk by.....to her it means, "I still got it"....and that's fine. I've always wondered if maybe I still have it.....but we wouldn't act on it. It looks like to me that you're going to have to take another leap of faith.... Good Luck!!! Moose Link to post Share on other sites
Author sweetp1771 Posted August 25, 2004 Author Share Posted August 25, 2004 Thank you very much for your feedback this is a great forum. Link to post Share on other sites
binturong Posted August 25, 2004 Share Posted August 25, 2004 I think you have reason to be suspicious of your fiance. He has, in the past, done things to harm your relationship. In my relationship, going out and acting like I'm single, getting phone numbers, going on dates...that constitutes cheating, even if there's no kissing or sex involved because the intent is there. There is no reason to need to tolerate lying, whether it's about getting phone numbers or taking out the trash. I don't think you're overreacting and I wouldn't have put up with that kind of behavior at all. What Moose is talking about...looking and making comments... that's harmless. Your fiance is doing much more than that. Link to post Share on other sites
FolderWife Posted August 25, 2004 Share Posted August 25, 2004 Why oh why are you still going to marry someone who's lying to you? You said you don't see the signs? You're seeing them all right...you're just IGNORING THEM! I'm not saying he's cheating on you, but he's lying about spending time with other women. Why do you want to spend the rest of your life second guessing your relationship? The signs are there. He's probably going to cheat. Just....*sigh* either accept that this one is going to cheat too, or find you another one that might not. And stop ignoring the signs. You've expressed plenty of good evidence that you are dating a L.I.A.R. therefore, you can't trust him. Yet you want to stay with him? Look, if I'd known my husband was an abusive porn addict before I married him, I WOULDN'T HAVE MARRIED HIM! Marriage is a long haul, and we've been through so much now, that I feel like at least TRYING to make my relationship work. You haven't signed your life away to him yet though...so if it were up to me, I'd say RUN!!! Link to post Share on other sites
evagreten Posted August 27, 2004 Share Posted August 27, 2004 There really is no doubt about it - he is cheating on you. Decide what you want to do. Repeat past mistakes and stay with a cheater? Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted August 27, 2004 Share Posted August 27, 2004 Monday, I'm curious why your answer seems to be, "LEAVE". I'm truly sorry about what you are going through with your present situation, but you know something......you will never find a perfect man, there will always be something you don't like or want to accept about him. What makes you think that he doesn't have anything against you? It's very possible that you carry traits that he's accepted that is even worse than his porn addiction. I'm sorry, but it just seems to me that the advice you give to these people always points to being alone and you never give the man the benefit of the doubt. This seems to be normal behavior for this man in this scenario......I wouldn't say leave him., I would say communicate with him and let him know how you feel. Unless you have concrete evidence that he's cheating, you have to assume he's innocent. You will never trust ANYONE if you follow Monday's advice. This isn't a personal attack on anyone, I've just noticed that ever since I've been on this forum, that some folks always seem to think that leaving the other is the best answer, I strongly disagree. It's a lot like finding a Church in my mind, there will always be something you don't agree on when going. It's like a job. You can have the most wonderful job in the world, but there will always be a task that you don't enjoy.......In my mind, you're being very selfish, and lazy, if you can't or refuse to deal with the negatives or faults in someone. Monday, I'm not picking on you, please understand that. I'm just trying to let you know that leaving isn't always the answer. Link to post Share on other sites
evagreten Posted August 27, 2004 Share Posted August 27, 2004 Moose, what you are saying is perfectly valid, but this guy is going to single bars and pretending he is single and chatting up women whom he then contacts later on and goes out with. HELLO?!?! It's not as innocent as your comment on a woman looking good, I wouldn't mind that either. Being in a relationship, ideally you feel confident about it and don't need to pretend you are not in it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sweetp1771 Posted August 27, 2004 Author Share Posted August 27, 2004 well i don't feel so crazy i know i'm not the only one who sees it in a negative way. But as moose says i don't know that he's cheating and i've neveer been one to say guilty before proven innocent it's the other way around. I had a good talk with him the other night and we agreed to work on our communication issues. i think thats a start. Link to post Share on other sites
binturong Posted August 27, 2004 Share Posted August 27, 2004 Did he promise not to go out and act single at bars? Did he say he'd stop taking other women out on dates? Those things aren't communication problems, they are much more. Link to post Share on other sites
jnel921 Posted August 27, 2004 Share Posted August 27, 2004 It sounds like he may be testing to see if he still has it. He may be going through a midlife crisis??? Don't know how old he is but a rate me site??? LOL that is pretty funny. I guess if he discussed it with you from the beginning maybe it would feel a little different. He should only care about how you feel about him, everyone elses opinion shouldn't matter. The fact that he has gone out an menti0oned it later does raise an eyebrow. Ask him if he still needs to be single or sowsome oats. Getting married is a lifelong commitment and alot of guys get crazy. Personally I have been cheated on too. I have expectations too and I understand you're concern. Lying isn't good period. Once it starts it only leads to bigger lies. Make clear to him how this makes you feel. If he wants to continue then you need to make some choices. good luck to you. Q Link to post Share on other sites
Author sweetp1771 Posted August 27, 2004 Author Share Posted August 27, 2004 He did say he would never act like he was single again and that was 3 months ago and to my knowledge he hasn't it's just the constant little lies, because like mentioned i worry they will lead to bigger ones. By working on communication i meant telling eachother how we're feeling more, so if he tells me he's feeling lonely or insecure about himself i can help him rather than him looking for it somewhere else. I try to have patience with him because this is really his first longterm relationship, i've been divorced already. And i did offer some seperate time if thats what he needed if he wasn't ready. i have made it very clear what i expect and he follows it for the most part if we could communicate better i would feel more secure in what he tells me as being the truth. he has that guy attitude that it will hurt you so thats why i lied thats what i'm trying to get him to stop. Link to post Share on other sites
amer Posted August 27, 2004 Share Posted August 27, 2004 he is cheating, he is lying about what he is doing. Let's review: Going to singles bars and chatting up women acting as if he is single. Even met with one of them. For what? To discuss Proust? I sincerely doubt it. The man does get points for allerting you to a little bit of what he is doing. Do not marry him! At least do not until more time has passed and you know he is faithful. From what you wrote, I don't think he has been faithful to you. Yes, you do not have a marriage yet, but come on, only cheaters split hairs like that. Link to post Share on other sites
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