New here n worried

[Capital blue]

Hi there

 

I have been seeing a married man since early September. He's charming, kind and we are in love but I am looking for some insight into my situation and what I should do, how best to support my partner.

 

We met at a function and spent the night together. I live in another city and we've had a long distance romance ever since. I have visited him and we stay in a hotel together sometimes. We go out and party and it's amazing being with him. He says he is unhappy and that he loves me. I love him too. He's about 10 yrz older than me and has two children. At Xmas we exchanged presents and I bought his kids presents too because I hope we will be together one day. He moved out of the home and is staying temporarily with his parents saying he doesn't love his wife anymore and isn't sure what to do. They argue all the time and she is verbally abusive. I know he's done this before. He's had affairs before me, but wouldn't leave for his other partners. I think we could be together and be happy now he's making plans to leave. His wife doesn't know about me because it would damage his future with her and his family friends and kids.

 

How can I support him during this time?

 

Thankyou

[Summer Breeze]

Hi there

 

I have been seeing a married man since early September. He's charming, kind and we are in love but I am looking for some insight into my situation and what I should do, how best to support my partner.

 

We met at a function and spent the night together. I live in another city and we've had a long distance romance ever since. I have visited him and we stay in a hotel together sometimes. We go out and party and it's amazing being with him. He says he is unhappy and that he loves me. I love him too. He's about 10 yrz older than me and has two children. At Xmas we exchanged presents and I bought his kids presents too because I hope we will be together one day. He moved out of the home and is staying temporarily with his parents saying he doesn't love his wife anymore and isn't sure what to do. They argue all the time and she is verbally abusive. I know he's done this before. He's had affairs before me, but wouldn't leave for his other partners. I think we could be together and be happy now he's making plans to leave. His wife doesn't know about me because it would damage his future with her and his family friends and kids.

 

How can I support him during this time?

 

Thankyou

 

With all due respect there's very little you can do. He has a whole lot going on in his life that could cause you pain.

 

He's had As and never left. How many? Why did he have them? Why didn't he leave for them? Are you sure he didn't leave and stay with his parents and then change his mind and go back home?

 

The big question. Do you have proof he's left and is staying with his parents?

 

I don't think you should go full NC with him as he works this out but you do need to wrap your heart in bubble wrap. You support him by staying on the sidelines and lowering your contact. You let him do the hard work on his own and figure out where he is in all of this.

 

I'm in the middle of something similar and I'm shocked at how emotional it is. It's much tougher than I ever would have guessed. He did the hardest part alone before I knew he was moved out and divorcing. I'm glad I didn't know because I probably would have jumped into the middle of it without a second thought.

 

Good luck.

[Decorative]

He's what we call a serial cheater. Not a good risk for a longterm relationship for you, if he actually does leave his marriage.

 

Have you confirmed he actually has left his house? Have you been to his parents' house and confirmed that he is there? Full time?

[Capital blue]

Thankyou

 

His wife thinks they are from a colleague I think.

 

He is still at his parents I know that but he hasn't told his wife about us. She is a stay at home mum mostly. He did move out once before and go home for a while but went back because the other woman didn't want more. He has had mainly one night stands and a few ongoing arrangements I know of. He has always been honest with me. I live a long way from him so it would mean a lot of change. He hasn't asked for a divorce yet just said he's unhappy and they argue when he's stayed out on a evening and have silly fights over stupid things now so he needs time from her to see what he wants. I've been speaking to him every day still and trying to support him. They were together since school so I don't think it can work as they have changed now but they are a very family based family.

[bentnotbroken]

Thankyou

 

His wife thinks they are from a colleague I think.

 

He is still at his parents I know that but he hasn't told his wife about us. She is a stay at home mum mostly. He did move out once before and go home for a while but went back because the other woman didn't want more. He has had mainly one night stands and a few ongoing arrangements I know of. He has always been honest with me. I live a long way from him so it would mean a lot of change. He hasn't asked for a divorce yet just said he's unhappy and they argue when he's stayed out on a evening and have silly fights over stupid things now so he needs time from her to see what he wants. I've been speaking to him every day still and trying to support him. They were together since school so I don't think it can work as they have changed now but they are a very family based family.

 

 

Stay out of his kids life is what you can do for them. You don't need to involve them in your issues with him. If I am the BS and finds out (which I did)there will be hell to pay and I wouldn't stop until payment is made in full.

[woinlove]

 

His wife thinks they are from a colleague I think.

 

 

Who do his children think they are from? Do you want them to connect these gifts to you if you two become an out in the open couple? Or do you want them to think these (you now and you then) are two completely different people? I don't see the logic of buying his children gifts now because you hope to be together as a couple later.

[Capital blue]

I should clarify that when he left before he thought he wanted more with her, realised he didn't and went back home because he said he still had feelings for wife but she did want more later.

[Decorative]

Thankyou

 

His wife thinks they are from a colleague I think.

 

He is still at his parents I know that but he hasn't told his wife about us. She is a stay at home mum mostly. He did move out once before and go home for a while but went back because the other woman didn't want more. He has had mainly one night stands and a few ongoing arrangements I know of. He has always been honest with me. I live a long way from him so it would mean a lot of change. He hasn't asked for a divorce yet just said he's unhappy and they argue when he's stayed out on a evening and have silly fights over stupid things now so he needs time from her to see what he wants. I've been speaking to him every day still and trying to support him. They were together since school so I don't think it can work as they have changed now but they are a very family based family.

 

Have you been to his parents' house? And been able to prove he lives there?

 

And gently, you have no idea if he has has always been honest with you.

[jwi71]

I live a long way from him.

 

1) What are you worried about?

2) Who, in his family (parents, siblings, etc), have you met? Spoken to?

 

I see long distance and serial A...I think you SHOULD be worried - but for entirely different reasons that you are.

[Capital blue]

No, but I know he is from severaly sources. I do know he's 'staying' their not 'living' temporarily. When he goes back the plan is to sleep on the couch.

[Capital blue]

Why Jw? He says he loves me and I live him. I could move to be with him so he can stay close to his family. I agree we met on a one brighter but he's been unhappy a long time. Why could he be lying to me?

[Summer Breeze]

Thankyou

 

His wife thinks they are from a colleague I think.

 

He is still at his parents I know that but he hasn't told his wife about us. She is a stay at home mum mostly. He did move out once before and go home for a while but went back because the other woman didn't want more. He has had mainly one night stands and a few ongoing arrangements I know of. He has always been honest with me. I live a long way from him so it would mean a lot of change. He hasn't asked for a divorce yet just said he's unhappy and they argue when he's stayed out on a evening and have silly fights over stupid things now so he needs time from her to see what he wants. I've been speaking to him every day still and trying to support him. They were together since school so I don't think it can work as they have changed now but they are a very family based family.

 

How do you know that he's at his parents? Are you able to call him any time at all now? Is he calling you any time? Have you heard them talking in the background? How do you truly know where he is? I hope I'm being alarmist here and you honestly do know.

 

I agree with everyone about the kids. Pull back. If you end up together then you have the opportunity to find a place in their lives but til that point you shouldn't be insinuating yourself into their lives. If he pushes it then you need to be the voice of reason.

 

How do you feel when you think about him being in so many As? ONS or LT arrangements they are all As. I'd be having serious thoughts about it if I were you.

[Summer Breeze]

I've bought presents for my MM's kids. Not because I want them to know they are from me, but because they were things I knew they'd enjoy and wanted them to have. That's the true meaning of gift giving. I gave them to him and told him to give them to the kids from him.

Not everything has an ulterior motive.

 

In your situation LFH I think that would work out. I think in the OPs place she's looking to have a future and I think she might need to look at it a little differently than you do. I agree about the whole meaning of giving the gifts but I think the end she's looking for is pretty different to the one you are.

[jwi71]

No, but I know he is from severaly sources. I do know he's 'staying' their not 'living' temporarily. When he goes back the plan is to sleep on the couch.

 

The problem with being a secret is - well being a secret which should be bothersome to you.

 

More importantly though, as I'm a cynical ol' bast_rd, if no one in his family knows...no one in his W's family knows - then you are possibly just another A. With you hidden...he does no harm to his M and family life (because he doesn't have to explain YOU to W and family) from his PoV.

 

Why Jw? He says he loves me and I live him. I could move to be with him so he can stay close to his family. I agree we met on a one brighter but he's been unhappy a long time. Why could he be lying to me?

 

Yes you could move...you might even bring them up with him. Does he think its a good idea or a bad one?

 

As to why lie - I think a serial cheater who lives in another area would lie to keep having an A with you. Would you continue to be the OW if he said "I love my W and kids and my life but I get bored occasionally. When I'm in town, would you be my date and lover knowing it'll never be more?"

 

The big issue is one of truth and trust. You know he has repeatedly lied to his W and family - unless he tells everyone of his A's - and if so, why isn't telling of YOU to them?

 

Because he has much to gain from lying and because an A is inherently dishonest behavior I think you are well served by seeking verification and validation of what he says. For instance, call his parent's house and speak to him.

 

I think you should be very worried. What man, on the verge of D, goes BACK home?

 

Its not making sense to me...and should be investigated. I saw this not to rain on your parade but to HELP you.

[Capital blue]

Thanks Jw I know you're trying to help. If he goes back home it will be to eventually leave. I come to meet him and we stay in another city or I go out with him in his home town with his colleagues. His colleagues know about us.

[Capital blue]

I am worried he won't leave But he is so unhappy in his marriage.

[jwi71]

Thanks Jw I know you're trying to help. If he goes back home it will be to eventually leave. I come to meet him and we stay in another city or I go out with him in his home town with his colleagues. His colleagues know about us.

 

OK...be mindful of his words and actions. Sorry, but there is ZERO logic to going home to leave. It makes no sense. I cannot believe his divorce lawyer would sanction this.

 

And...don't confuse work colleagues with family. What's important is to be known to FAMILY - not the guys from work.

 

Again...be mindful. If something doesn't seem right - it usually isn't.

Do not let emotion and want trump that brain in your head.

[Capital blue]

He hasn't seen a lawyer yet. He's thinking things through. But if he's not at home it's abandonment so he could lose everything.

 

I know things are not adding up because I'm here. But he might divorce right? How do these things usually pan out? What are my chances?

[whichwayisup]

Hi there

 

I have been seeing a married man since early September. He's charming, kind and we are in love but I am looking for some insight into my situation and what I should do, how best to support my partner.

 

We met at a function and spent the night together. I live in another city and we've had a long distance romance ever since. I have visited him and we stay in a hotel together sometimes. We go out and party and it's amazing being with him. He says he is unhappy and that he loves me. I love him too. He's about 10 yrz older than me and has two children. At Xmas we exchanged presents and I bought his kids presents too because I hope we will be together one day. He moved out of the home and is staying temporarily with his parents saying he doesn't love his wife anymore and isn't sure what to do. They argue all the time and she is verbally abusive. I know he's done this before. He's had affairs before me, but wouldn't leave for his other partners. I think we could be together and be happy now he's making plans to leave. His wife doesn't know about me because it would damage his future with her and his family friends and kids.

 

How can I support him during this time?

 

Thankyou

 

He should leave and divorce his wife because it is the best thing for HIM to do, not because someone is waiting in the wings for him. if his wife is that verbally abusive and he's that unhappy, why hasn't he left?

 

Sorry to say this, I think your MM has greatly exaggerated his home life and what his wife is like, what his marriage is like. Many MM omit truths and tell little lies to keep the A going.

 

You love him and want a life with him but look at how he's treated his wife for so long. Lying, cheating, betraying her, having affair after affair.. And this is the woman he said vows to, had children with! Why wouldn't he lie to you as well? take a step back and try to see your situation from another angle. Really think about what it is you want because one day you could be his wife and dealing with his infidelity issues since it seems that's how he handles problems and issues - He runs and has affairs.

[jwi71]

He hasn't seen a lawyer yet. He's thinking things through. But if he's not at home it's abandonment so he could lose everything.

 

Try this.

Google his State and abandonment laws - for instance "Ohio abandonment". This will, with little effort, give you the law in his state. In my state, one must be gone with no contact for 12 months to even BEGIN abandonment proceedings - and you do know that abandonment is a type of D right?

 

But he might divorce right?

 

Yes. He might. No one can say definitively if he will except him.

So all we can do is look at his actions. And in my opinion and in my experience - his actions are not conducive to filing for D.

 

How do these things usually pan out?

 

Your biggest problem, imo, is less this is an A or even distance. Its he is a serial cheater. Serial cheaters REQUIRE extensive IC to "heal". And this is measured in years - again imo. Google for serial cheaters to get more comprehensive information.

 

How does it end for you? I don't know.

 

What are my chances?

 

I do not know - no one does.

I can say, based on what you have shared, it is my belief that his actions are more in line with cheating than divorcing. It is why, given the numerous red flags, I ask you to think.

 

What ACTIONS has he taken to get a D? IF that is his goal he should have taken some ACTIONS to achieve it.

[whichwayisup]

Thanks Jw I know you're trying to help. If he goes back home it will be to eventually leave. I come to meet him and we stay in another city or I go out with him in his home town with his colleagues. His colleagues know about us.

 

But those colleagues are not important like his family, friends or family friends. Those are the ones he's scared of losing if he leaves and divorces his wife to be with you.

 

Even if he does divorce, you need to give him time and space to adjust to all the changes. He does have kids so it will be a LONG TIME before you are introduced to them, let alone be a step mom to their children. Also, his wife (or ex) will be in his life forever because of their kids so that is something you'll have to deal with and accept.

 

To end a marriage and start a new life with someone else so quickly is unhealthy and also you two have an affair dynamic going on - THAT needs to change and die out. You really only know him IN that dynamic, not in a way two people would date and be a part of each others daily life, be included in ALL aspects of their lives.

 

Maybe he will leave, maybe he won't. Time will tell. Until then, shield your heart and give yourself a time limit on this. Come next fall or even this summer you don't want to still be wondering if he is leaving or staying married. Unless you're OK with having an affair with him and keeping things as they are. ?

[Summer Breeze]

He hasn't seen a lawyer yet. He's thinking things through. But if he's not at home it's abandonment so he could lose everything.

 

I know things are not adding up because I'm here. But he might divorce right? How do these things usually pan out? What are my chances?

 

You're doubting it all and you should. Doubt and ask the questions that come up from that doubt. Have him answer them. You're not answering the questions I'm asking so I don't think you'll ask him any of the tough questions you should ask.

 

No matter what happens between him and his W you need to take care of yourself.

 

He may well D and don't let people tell you it doesn't happen, because it does. It's rare but it happens. You have to be prepared if it doesn't and probably even more prepared if it does.

 

I agree with the other poster who said he has to go back in order to leave. I'm not convinced he's left yet but that's me being cynical.

 

Ask him the tough questions and make sure he doesn't give you a bunch of fluffy answers.

[promises]

Unless you've spoken with his wife and parents, then you don't know if he's moved out.

 

Even if he has moved out. It means little. My advice is walk now before you become more of his puppet.

[Decorative]

He hasn't seen a lawyer yet. He's thinking things through. But if he's not at home it's abandonment so he could lose everything.

 

I know things are not adding up because I'm here. But he might divorce right? How do these things usually pan out? What are my chances?

 

Why do you want to be with a serial cheater?

 

And I would bet he hasn't told you all of his indiscretions. Cheaters minimize. Especially serial cheaters .

[awkward]

You certainly should be worried. It is good that you are questioning things.

 

If you want to protect your heart then leave him right now. If you want to be here next year at this same time asking if he will leave, then stay. He is a serial cheater. Be careful what you wish for.

 

Also, please don't involve your or his children in your affair. That is disgusting.