Complicated affair

[Brian1]

Hello everyone, this is my first posting and it's a complicated situation I have. Ok, let me give some background on my affair. I've been with my wife for 23 years and married for 16 years. We don't have any children due to my wifes endometriosis. 5 years ago I began an affair with a lady 20 years my junior. She's very attractive and very kind. 8 months after the affair began she became pregnant. Our daughter is now 3 1/2 years old. I love the two of them very much but I only have a chance to see them 1 or 2 times each week. I have been speaking on the phone with my "girlfriend" every day for the past 5 years. I financially support my "girlfriend" and our daughter 100%. We had 5 years of a very controlled and secretive relationship that was going very well. My wife nor anyone in her family know about it. Obviously I felt very guilty of the affair from day 1 and still do. I love my wife very much and always have even though we have our rough moments. I love my "girlfriend" and my daughter very much also. Now the problem. About two months ago my "girlfriend" has gone about an hour away to supposedly care for her sister who is pregnant. I set up a business in the town where her sister lives and the two of them have been running it for the last year and a half. There is no internet service nor cellular service in that town. It's up in a mountainous area. They do have land line. My "girlfriend" never communicates with me while she is there. My gf comes down once or twice each week and she calls me but usually she says she needs to return to her sisters town quickly. She says she loves me very much and tells me to be patient and don't pressure her. Personally I believe she has another boyfriend up there and she's making excuses and lying. I want to stay with her but only if we are both happy. I obviously don't want to lose contact with my daughter and for her to meet someone that could potentially be like a father to her. I don't know if I should give an ultimatum (it's been about two months of this) or just be patient. Theoretically I could leave my girlfriend but my daughter is all I have besides my wife. My girlfriend still comes down and we get together very passionately like always but I miss having constant communication with her. And the little communication we do have is followed by "I'll talk to you in 3-4 days I gotta go back up in 3-4 hours" or something like that. But the 1 or 2 times we get together each week are very normal and passionate. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks a lot.

[underwater2010]

Since it seems like you are on the verge of losing your "girlfriend", although I prefer babies mamma, because it is very Jerry Springerish. I would confess all to your wife and let her divorce you. Then you can put everything into your daughters life without guilt or remorse.

 

Your ball of lies are about to come undone. I hate to tell you, but you are probably right that she found someone else. Someone that will put her and her daughter first. What you have done to her is absolutely disguisting, let alone what you have done to your wife. Time for you to step up and be a real man.

[Realist3]

Since it is only an hour away why not go pay a little visit and check things out for yourself?

 

But let's get real. She is 20 years younger. She's raising a child by herself. Of course her instincts are going to be searching for a partner that can tend to her and your daughter as they deserve.

 

I'm pretty open minded in terms of what people decide to do, i.e affairs. My atttidute changes a good bit when a child is involved. For whatever reason you are unwilling to be this child's father, so let your girlfriend find someone who will.

[Realist3]

I agree with LFH,... I know, shocking. The gig is up, or should be. You are playing with too many different factors here. My kids come before anything. No way could I have a child and not be proud for them to be around me all the time. Tough deal you have placed yourself in.

[jwi71]

Hello everyone, this is my first posting and it's a complicated situation I have. Ok, let me give some background on my affair. I've been with my wife for 23 years and married for 16 years. We don't have any children due to my wifes endometriosis. 5 years ago I began an affair with a lady 20 years my junior. She's very attractive and very kind. 8 months after the affair began she became pregnant. Our daughter is now 3 1/2 years old. I love the two of them very much but I only have a chance to see them 1 or 2 times each week. I have been speaking on the phone with my "girlfriend" every day for the past 5 years. I financially support my "girlfriend" and our daughter 100%. We had 5 years of a very controlled and secretive relationship that was going very well. My wife nor anyone in her family know about it. Obviously I felt very guilty of the affair from day 1 and still do. I love my wife very much and always have even though we have our rough moments. I love my "girlfriend" and my daughter very much also. Now the problem. About two months ago my "girlfriend" has gone about an hour away to supposedly care for her sister who is pregnant. I set up a business in the town where her sister lives and the two of them have been running it for the last year and a half. There is no internet service nor cellular service in that town. It's up in a mountainous area. They do have land line. My "girlfriend" never communicates with me while she is there. My gf comes down once or twice each week and she calls me but usually she says she needs to return to her sisters town quickly. She says she loves me very much and tells me to be patient and don't pressure her. Personally I believe she has another boyfriend up there and she's making excuses and lying. I want to stay with her but only if we are both happy. I obviously don't want to lose contact with my daughter and for her to meet someone that could potentially be like a father to her. I don't know if I should give an ultimatum (it's been about two months of this) or just be patient. Theoretically I could leave my girlfriend but my daughter is all I have besides my wife. My girlfriend still comes down and we get together very passionately like always but I miss having constant communication with her. And the little communication we do have is followed by "I'll talk to you in 3-4 days I gotta go back up in 3-4 hours" or something like that. But the 1 or 2 times we get together each week are very normal and passionate. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks a lot.

 

Just so I understand...you think your OW is cheating on you and you want to give her an ultimatum - presumably to end it with her ..."other guy".

 

You sir have balls.

 

Because if I read this right, and I am, you are demanding that your OW NOT see others WHILE YOU STAY MARRIED.

 

Really?

[Realist3]

Just so I understand...you think your OW is cheating on you and you want to give her an ultimatum - presumably to end it with her ..."other guy".

 

You sir have balls.

 

Because if I read this right, and I am, you are demanding that your OW NOT see others WHILE YOU STAY MARRIED.

 

Really?

 

 

I'm sure that comes from the fact that he supports the OW and his kid. It is truly a double life.

[jwi71]

I'm sure that comes from the fact that he supports the OW and his kid. It is truly a double life.

 

So why does HE get to have this "double life" and SHE does not?

[MissBee]

Hi Brian,

 

I am confused about you giving your gf an ultimatum, when you're the one married. It is my belief that APs cannot really expect exclusivity from each other and be upset about monogamy if one or both are committed elsewhere.

 

You say nothing about ever getting a divorce. Do you expect your gf to be your secret gf forever? She may not want this and it is her right to move on. Perhaps she is tired of passionate meetups and constant communication but being a secret and not having you full time. She should inform you though if she chooses to move on...but I hope if she does have a secret bf you understand that the same way you feel, your wife will feel even worse if and when your A and baby with another woman comes out.

 

By the way...do you think that you can have a secret daughter forever? As your child gets older it will become increasingly difficult (and cruel)for you to hide her away and especially if your gf breaks it off with you, your whole can of worms may explode. Please plan for this real possibility.

 

I suggest you have a discussion with your gf about your daughter's well-being and this situation then discuss what is best for you all in terms of the A. It's one thing if you're just in an A...now you guys have a little girl in the midst of this and it's not just about you being upset about secret boyfriends and not getting to talk enough. I think if you all are headed towards the end (which rightfully can happen at any point, as she can choose to leave you whenever she wants) then plans should be made about your child and about your role in her life and how you will manage that with your wife and family before that time comes so that it will result in less chaos for her.

[veryhappy]

It's not complicated at all. You thought your perfect arrangement will last forever. Smart woman for not letting the money keep her bought. At her age, with you an absentee father she'd better look out there to find a partner.

 

You are losing your sex toy and child carrier. I suggest you take care of the legalties regarding your daughter and that's all you can do.

 

Giving her an ultimatum? I hope she laughs in your face and walks away.

[Brian1]

Thanks for the replies. I have to say that my girlfriend lives very close to where I live. I still pay all of her expenses and all of the expenses for our child. I see my daughter every day when I pass by her house and have contact 1-2 times each week. The funny thing is that 3 weeks ago I got really upset with my girlfriend and blew up at her via email. I told her I didn't want to see her ever again (because her actions had me believing she was lying about things and possibly had a boyfriend). I've told her many times over the 5 year relationship that I feel guilty that she doesn't have a normal life (relationshipwise) and she has always said she loves me and doesn't want me to leave her and she doesn't want anyone but me. She always said she thought I was going to leave her some day. She has always said that her number one dream was to marry me some day. But anyway, after I blew up at her 3 weeks ago, she stayed silent for 4 days and then she called and wanted to talk. We talked and she said she was going to spill the beans to everyone, her family, my wife, everyone in our community. So I told her I want to get back together and I still love her very much. She put up a little resistance but accepted. Now we are together again but under the same circumstances; she is only around 1 or 2 days each week. I'm very confused with her actions but she says that soon she'll be back on a regular basis. She says she needs to attend to things in her sisters town but she's a little hesitant to give details. I don't get it. I thought we were finished, although I didn't want to be but now we're back as passionate as ever and she still pulls her disappearing acts which I don't like. Help...

[Realist3]

So why does HE get to have this "double life" and SHE does not?

 

You would have to ask him. I think he should tell his wife and let the OW go do her thing.

[delighted_delilah]

I don't think it matters one bit that the OP is financially supporting his child and OW; fact is, OW is the one who is raising a child on her own, as a dirty little secret. OP is a cake eater and should be counting his lucky stars that OW has a: kept his secret when many, many would have told the BW and b: not issued any ultimatums herself.

She deserves his financial support, regardless of whether or not she is seeing someone else. She is entitled to find a man who is willing to put her first and be a proper father to her child.

[jwi71]

Help...

 

What are you seeking help with?

 

What is YOUR ideal end to this?

[Brian1]

No jwi71, I don't want to give her an ultimatum to get rid of a boyfriend. I want to give her an ultimatum that if she wants a boyfriend then fine enough. Just let me know and I'll split with her. But she continually tells me to this day that I'm her one and only love. ????I don't get it. If this is true what she says, then why the distancing???

[MissBee]

 

I think you want some very incompatible things that cannot coexist and a lot is wrong with this picture.

 

You feel bad your gf can't have a normal relationship, yet no talk of divorce is here and you expect and demand her fidelity.

 

Not. Gonna. Work.

 

You got back together after she threatened to tell on you? This will always be a point of drama for you both and a power struggle. She will be resentful of being a secret, sometimes she'll be able to be appeased, other times she won't, if you act in a way she doesn't like, threats to tell will ensure or she may really do it. Not sure how you guys can live with that tension.

 

Brian: it's not all about you. Sorry. I think you need to act like a grownup in this and simply choose one way or another and especially put your child first. But it's very silly to be keeping tabs on your gf who is unhappy because she will never marry you, while you continue to be in your marriage and demand her be faithful and so on. It's selfish and childish.

 

Do you think you all would be together in this arrangement forever?

[Realist3]

No jwi71, I don't want to give her an ultimatum to get rid of a boyfriend. I want to give her an ultimatum that if she wants a boyfriend then fine enough. Just let me know and I'll split with her. But she continually tells me to this day that I'm her one and only love. ????I don't get it. If this is true what she says, then why the distancing???

 

She doesn't want to lose the money. Imagine being totally financially reliant on someone and raising a child by yourself. She doesn't want to give that up. What is she going to do find a job and pay for daycare on a meager salary?

[bentnotbroken]

It is all about what you want right? Everyone else needs to fit into the holes that you have made for them in your life. Now one of them (while always aware of the situation) has decided she does not want to be shoved in that hole any longer. Get a grip. You are only entitled to manufacture your life. You do not have the right to continue to try to orchestrate the emotions and actions of others. It is time you drop your "poor me outlook" and step up and do the right thing for all who are involved.

[underwater2010]

No jwi71, I don't want to give her an ultimatum to get rid of a boyfriend. I want to give her an ultimatum that if she wants a boyfriend then fine enough. Just let me know and I'll split with her. But she continually tells me to this day that I'm her one and only love. ????I don't get it. If this is true what she says, then why the distancing???

I bet you thought that you held all the cards...when in reality your OW has held them all along. You are now damned if you do and damned if you don't. If you keep showing her that you don't care she can blow up this whole mess you created. Just wait till she takes you for child support.

 

Also, you are not a real father. I don't care if you see your kid once a day. A real man tells the world about the kids accomplishments and makes sure that they know their grandparents, aunts and uncles. All you do is provide money and say hi I love you but not enough to make sure I am there to tuck you into bed at night or hug you when you cry because some little jerk broke her heart.

[Ladybugz]

Read the other topics about this issues.

 

All storys are all the same.

so the answer!

[stillafool]

No jwi71, I don't want to give her an ultimatum to get rid of a boyfriend. I want to give her an ultimatum that if she wants a boyfriend then fine enough. Just let me know and I'll split with her. But she continually tells me to this day that I'm her one and only love. ????I don't get it. If this is true what she says, then why the distancing???

 

Can't you take charge of your own life instead of waiting for her to make choices for you? Do this: Tell your wife you have a daughter you have been hiding and you are in love with the child's mother. Then file for divorce and be with your OW and baby. Let your wife go and find someone who will treat her with respect. Your daughter needs you in her life so be a man and go be with her.

[OpenBook]

No jwi71, I don't want to give her an ultimatum to get rid of a boyfriend. I want to give her an ultimatum that if she wants a boyfriend then fine enough. Just let me know and I'll split with her. But she continually tells me to this day that I'm her one and only love. ????I don't get it. If this is true what she says, then why the distancing???

 

When you say "split with her" - does that include "withdraw my financial support"? If so, that would give her every motivation to "out" you to family & community.

 

I'm with Realist. It sounds like it's about the money. For you AND for her.

[jwi71]

No jwi71, I don't want to give her an ultimatum to get rid of a boyfriend. I want to give her an ultimatum that if she wants a boyfriend then fine enough. Just let me know and I'll split with her. But she continually tells me to this day that I'm her one and only love. ????I don't get it. If this is true what she says, then why the distancing???

 

Uhm....what you are saying is this:

 

If you want a BF fine - but I'm OUT

If you want me - its ONLY me and NO BF.

 

Color as you will...but this is EXACTLY what you are saying.

 

The most galling thing is...you are MARRIED. How do you say that with a straight face?

 

Well...maybe she is in love with two different men? Why not? Why can YOU but NOT HER?

 

The hypocrisy is just mind blowing. At least apply the same "rules" to yourself that you demand of your OW.

[Brian1]

I have told my girlfriend many times that I want to tell my wife about the affair and the child. She adamantly says, "No, don't do it!" I want to do it only because I want more access to my daughter. And I said I would continue her financial support also. But she said no dice. I don't get it. Does she want me or the money. I really want her to be happy mainly so my daughter can have a happy environment to grow up in. My wife and my daughter are my number one concerns but my girlfriend is highly important to me whether she is with me or without me.

[Realist3]

Then tell your wife. How long do you think this will go on as is? The lifespan of this scenario is short. It may be another year or three years from now, but it will not go on like this forever. There will be a day when it all comes to a head.

[stillafool]

I have told my girlfriend many times that I want to tell my wife about the affair and the child. She adamantly says, "No, don't do it!" I want to do it only because I want more access to my daughter. And I said I would continue her financial support also. But she said no dice. I don't get it. Does she want me or the money. I really want her to be happy mainly so my daughter can have a happy environment to grow up in. My wife and my daughter are my number one concerns but my girlfriend is highly important to me whether she is with me or without me.

 

She doesn't want you to tell your wife because that would mean sharing her daughter with another woman. You will have visitation rights and more than likely your wife would be taking care of your daughter while she is visiting. But forget all of that. Be a man and do the right thing - tell your wife what you have been doing for the last 5 years. More than likely you will be free to go be with the OW and your little girl who needs you more than OW or your wife.