Author Brian1 Posted January 30, 2013 Author Share Posted January 30, 2013 You. Are. MARRIED! If she wants to date other people you can't say one word about it. It's none of your business who she dates. OK, I agree. But if I am going to finance her life 100% then I'll be damned if I'm going to be financing her dating life apart from myself. If she wants to date, then she should cut it off with me, correct the birth certificate of my daughter (after the paternity test), take care of my visitation rights with my daughter and I'll continue with a very generous child support payment without fail and nothing more. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brian1 Posted January 30, 2013 Author Share Posted January 30, 2013 The other day she came down from the mountain town and called me and said she can't get together because she has to go back up in 2 hours. I asked what the heck does she have to return so quickly. She just told me she has to attend to some things. I said "What? your store?" And she just said, yes. A little peculiar. Then just before she left that day she called and we talked for about 30 minutes. She was all kind and lovey dovey. Then she said she wanted to spend a complete day with me either Thursday or Friday. Everything was great during that phone call and she said she would call me Tuesday (yesterday) to talk and coordinate our rendezvous. Tuesday passed without a call. Something fishy is going on, I believe. Any opinions? I just want to really clear up my staus with my daughter before I end it with my girlfriend. Help... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brian1 Posted January 30, 2013 Author Share Posted January 30, 2013 You just answered the other reason she may not want to tell you. You set her up in a position where she's dependent on you and you've made it clear that that ends if she wants to be with someone else. You never answered when I asked if she and her sister get to keep their jobs if you split up, or if you did I missed it. Yes, LFH, the store is 100% hers. She can sell it or keep working it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brian1 Posted January 30, 2013 Author Share Posted January 30, 2013 Even if I wasn't seeing someone else, I'd be offended if you felt like you could ask me that. If you are married and have a girlfriend, why do you get to have "someone else" and then be upset if you even think I might? Not that I would.. but the double standard would rub and rub hard. Maybe she's just gone "silent" because she's weighing her options? I don't know. I can't answer for her, none of us can.. but I think that some real honesty about what's going on would only benefit. It's why I suggested that the two of you consider couples counseling if you do decide to be with her Well to be honest, in my mind I think we are even in the sense that she is with my daughter full time and she constantly tells me that it is a great joy to have her. And every time I call her I can hear my daughter laughing and playing with my girlfriend. I really envy that which they have together. And yes, I do have my wife and we do our things together but I believe my girlfriend, being with my daughter and enjoying her on a daily basis is better. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brian1 Posted January 30, 2013 Author Share Posted January 30, 2013 Woah. You need a new marriage counselor. That's some awful advice! I agree, ThatJustHappened. Link to post Share on other sites
twosadthings Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 Sounds like you're a successful guy. Your therapist asked you about the long term. That's something successful people think about. Fifteen or twenty years from now your girlfriend/new wife is early forties, you're on Medicare and your daughter is out of the house. What do you think about that long term? Get smart, Twosadthings Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brian1 Posted January 30, 2013 Author Share Posted January 30, 2013 Sounds like you're a successful guy. Your therapist asked you about the long term. That's something successful people think about. Fifteen or twenty years from now your girlfriend/new wife is early forties, you're on Medicare and your daughter is out of the house. What do you think about that long term? Get smart, Twosadthings Excellent point, twosadthings. I would like to be with my wife long term, that's for sure. But I want more contact with my daughter short term. My girlfriend can be quite dramatic sometimes, especially when she gets upset. And that worries me if I completely break up with her. Or maybe like some have said, she's only staying with me for the financial reasons. I've asked her many times and even though I tell her I will continue fully supporting our daughter financially she continues to say she wants to be with me even if I don't give her a penny. She even said one time that if worst came to worst, she would work and support me. She, lately especially, is really confusing me. Link to post Share on other sites
Gibson_Girl Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 I think that deep down, you already know what to do. Don't stall, go with your gut and be FAIR. Weigh yourself and your actions with the same weights and balances in which you gauge your gf's actions. It will be very difficult and a long, hard road. Everyone will feel like a squeezed lemon afterwards, but it's time to stop worrying about her, her family (youre not a cash cow) and your own sense of self preservation. Man up, do the right thing for your child. Link to post Share on other sites
Gibson_Girl Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 Excellent point, twosadthings. I would like to be with my wife long term, that's for sure. But I want more contact with my daughter short term. My girlfriend can be quite dramatic sometimes, especially when she gets upset. And that worries me if I completely break up with her. Or maybe like some have said, she's only staying with me for the financial reasons. I've asked her many times and even though I tell her I will continue fully supporting our daughter financially she continues to say she wants to be with me even if I don't give her a penny. She even said one time that if worst came to worst, she would work and support me. She, lately especially, is really confusing me. She's telling you what she thinks will pacify you and nothing more. I'm sure she has feelings to some degree but her motives are not pure. Tell your wife, come clean because eventually it will all come into light and the hurt your wife will feel will be compounded exponentially. You Stan more of a chance of staying together if you yank the bandaid off now and root out the infection. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Gibson_Girl Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 She's telling you what she thinks will pacify you and nothing more. I'm sure she has feelings to some degree but her motives are not pure. Tell your wife, come clean because eventually it will all come into light and the hurt your wife will feel will be compounded exponentially. You Stan more of a chance of staying together if you yank the bandaid off now and root out the infection. Good luck I use way too many analogies. Sorry. ) Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brian1 Posted January 30, 2013 Author Share Posted January 30, 2013 Just one last comment, I hope. The other day when I last talked to my girlfriend, I mentioned that I was going to go up and visit her and her store (for the first time). She seemed honored and gave me exact directions on how to get there. But she didn't believe I would go. (The town's not exactly my cup of tea plus most people know me there and know my wife). This comment makes me believe maybe I am wrong about the possible boyfriend. What do some of you think her motives could be? I want to clarify if I decide to stay with her and my daughter, that she will really want to be with me long term. Link to post Share on other sites
Gibson_Girl Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 I'm confused, you said you wanted to be with your wife long term... I don't know what her motives could be. I'm sure if she has a bf he knows about you and would make himself scarce. However That's just conjecture at this point. You do know the signs and signals of sneaking so you'll have to gauge it. It seems to me that you BOTH are playing both ends against the middle and neither are likely to be happy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
delighted_delilah Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 So, basically, you have turned the mother of your child into your wh0re. Literally. And she had darned well better not even consider looking for some happiness with someone who values her for her and doesn't expect her to jump on demand, be available at a whim, etc, or you will cut her off and find a replacement. Classy, classy man you are. I can't for the life of me imagine why she might wonder if you will cut off support for the child as well if things don't go your way; you have proven yourself to be such a fine, upstanding human being. Involving your poor wife with your mistress and child? So damned sleazy; everything you have done reeks of sleaze. I hope your wife finds out, throws you out, and I hope your girlfriend finds a good man who steps in and takes over in EVERY capacity, leaving you in the cold. Yes, I am being a judgmental b!tch. The damage you have already done to that innocent child is inexcusable and I weep for all the females in your life. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
underwater2010 Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 Brian - I am going to say this in the least hurtful way I can. Your AP having another boyfriend is the least of your issues right now. Forget about it. Right now you have to pull your crap together and "Man Up". There are multiple outcomes that are possible once the affair is out in the open. None of the are good for the immediate future. I am going to pray for you that your wife, although she will be devistated on multiple levels, will find it in her heart to give your marriage a chance. I will tell that it would be a no go for me, to many lies and a kid when she could not provide you with one. As for the AP...be prepared to lose her extended family. You have both decieved them about the grandchild and niece. They are going to be bitter for a long time. About the only thing that is good about all this is that you might get to spend a little more time with your daughter. I wish you the best and be prepared for the public fallout. Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 Just one last comment, I hope. The other day when I last talked to my girlfriend, I mentioned that I was going to go up and visit her and her store (for the first time). She seemed honored and gave me exact directions on how to get there. But she didn't believe I would go. (The town's not exactly my cup of tea plus most people know me there and know my wife). This comment makes me believe maybe I am wrong about the possible boyfriend. What do some of you think her motives could be? I want to clarify if I decide to stay with her and my daughter, that she will really want to be with me long term. I think she very well could want to stay with you long term. Give it a shot. You owe it to your daughter, her and yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 So, basically, you have turned the mother of your child into your wh0re. Literally. And she had darned well better not even consider looking for some happiness with someone who values her for her and doesn't expect her to jump on demand, be available at a whim, etc, or you will cut her off and find a replacement. Classy, classy man you are. I can't for the life of me imagine why she might wonder if you will cut off support for the child as well if things don't go your way; you have proven yourself to be such a fine, upstanding human being. Involving your poor wife with your mistress and child? So damned sleazy; everything you have done reeks of sleaze. I hope your wife finds out, throws you out, and I hope your girlfriend finds a good man who steps in and takes over in EVERY capacity, leaving you in the cold. Yes, I am being a judgmental b!tch. The damage you have already done to that innocent child is inexcusable and I weep for all the females in your life. I'm curious as to why you find the wishing for the destruction of this man helpful support? he is not coming here to be excoriated. There was nothing positive in the post you just made. If you don't like it, ignore it. Link to post Share on other sites
ThatJustHappened Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 Excellent point, twosadthings. I would like to be with my wife long term, that's for sure. But I want more contact with my daughter short term. My girlfriend can be quite dramatic sometimes, especially when she gets upset. And that worries me if I completely break up with her. Or maybe like some have said, she's only staying with me for the financial reasons. I've asked her many times and even though I tell her I will continue fully supporting our daughter financially she continues to say she wants to be with me even if I don't give her a penny. She even said one time that if worst came to worst, she would work and support me. She, lately especially, is really confusing me. You can't have it both ways. You either get your girlfriend or your wife, unless they both agree to your double life, which is highly unlikely. Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 I went to a marriage counselor (aka therapist) today and he asked me, "Of the two women in your life, who do you think would love you more faithfully and longer term?" I said without thinking, "No doubt. My wife." But I said, if she finds out about my shenanigans, who knows. She might throw me out and not look back. He said he highly doubts she would do that if I completely come clean and honestly state that I will not ever see her again romantically. So he is basically recommending that I come to grips about giving up the girlfriend for good and once I do that and accept it fully and get over her then and only then should I tell my wife of the affair and child. But I said "That could take several months. And in the meantime I won't be able to see my daughter at all." He said,"Well if you want to have a chance of living happily ever after with your wife, then, that's what needs to be done." And he said later I can pursue getting visitation rights for my daughter. I don't like his advice, to be honest but I'll think about it. I don't think the fact that your wife will be more faithful and loving to you is a good reason to stay married. You and your girlfriend are probably more suited to each other, unless you really want to change yourself in a significant way. Some people do change significantly, but many (maybe most) don't. If you are not happy with your behavior, the question should be what kind of person do you want to be and how are you going to become that person? It has little to do with your wife or your girlfriend, it has to do with you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
TheOW Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 The one part of your story that completely baffles me is you said you and your wife considered adopting the child even though you knew and your girlfriend said she would not give the child up. Maybe your girlfriend knows that if you tell your wife that the two of you will come looking to take your daughter away from her, her child away. Yes I may be completely wrong but saying you and your wife considered adopting the child without discussing with the mother speaks volumes. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
fllygirl Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 My girlfriend can be quite dramatic sometimes, especially when she gets upset. Brian, you set up your gf in very 'dramatic' position and I'm not even sure what do you expect from her after all that. Wait when your wife will get upset. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 OK, bentnotbroken, of course I would not be happy, I would be furious. But we all make stupid decisions in our lives (and maybe that's an understatement) and we have to deal with them. I'm ashamed of what I have done and if I had another chance I obviously never would do it again. But now I am in a huge mess and I need to clean it up, ASAP. Not an easy task even though everyone on the outside thinks it's simple. It's only going to be simplified by being honest. It's the lies and deception that makes it complicated. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 Also, cutedragon, I would not ask my wife to make a decision in a few weeks. I would just wait and see if she would talk to me or just blow up and never want to see me again. Which would be completely understandable but very painful for both. You don't get to choose. You cheated. It's not up to you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brian1 Posted January 31, 2013 Author Share Posted January 31, 2013 it sounds like you are looking for a guarantee, and you aren't going to be able to get one. You're right on that one. I am looking for a guarantee although I know I am unable of receiving one, even though she may say so. One question... why are you giving your girlfriend any money over and above child support? You've set her and her sister up for life, give her child support, and she earns an income from her store. Why do you give her more than that? you've set her up in a such a way as she has become dependent on you, and that may be making it hard for her to come to any decisions about her own life... I just wanted to give my daughter the best ambiance I could. My girlfriend pays her sister a normal salary to run the store. I gave her the store for the reason if we ever broke up, she personally could be mostly cared for financially. BTW, for the things your girlfriend says to you...remember, she may be telling the truth ,s he may not. after all, words are cheap...does she mean them? one more thing to consider... I once heard ( and I have no idea whether or not this is valid where you live), that if a married man gives any funds, assets, etc. to a woman he's having an affair with, the wife may be able to sue either party to retrieve the funds that were supposed to be joint funds ( again, i have no idea if this is true or not, but it's something you may want to look into) why has your wife not noticed that the large amount of money that you give your other woman/daughter is missing? I hope that you are keeping your funds separate that that none of your wife's money has been going to her... I have taken care of my wife way beyond her dreams. And also I have helped her family a lot. We have a prenuptial agreement which would leave her very content financially and she would receive double if I divorced her. So I don't think the financial part of this problem is even a factor. But all of the other variables are huge factors. I've created a lot of things in my life, but it seems like this mess may be, unfortunately, my legacy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brian1 Posted January 31, 2013 Author Share Posted January 31, 2013 Brian - I am going to say this in the least hurtful way I can. Your AP having another boyfriend is the least of your issues right now. Forget about it. Right now you have to pull your crap together and "Man Up". There are multiple outcomes that are possible once the affair is out in the open. None of the are good for the immediate future. I am going to pray for you that your wife, although she will be devistated on multiple levels, will find it in her heart to give your marriage a chance. I will tell that it would be a no go for me, to many lies and a kid when she could not provide you with one. As for the AP...be prepared to lose her extended family. You have both decieved them about the grandchild and niece. They are going to be bitter for a long time. About the only thing that is good about all this is that you might get to spend a little more time with your daughter. I wish you the best and be prepared for the public fallout. I agree with everything you said. Thanks for the input. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brian1 Posted January 31, 2013 Author Share Posted January 31, 2013 I think she very well could want to stay with you long term. Give it a shot. You owe it to your daughter, her and yourself. I highly appreciate your comment. Link to post Share on other sites
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