Complicated affair

[Brian1]

I'm curious as to why you find the wishing for the destruction of this man helpful support? he is not coming here to be excoriated.

 

There was nothing positive in the post you just made. If you don't like it, ignore it.

 

By far the best comment so far. Thanks for understanding. You're a good person (someone I would like to be like).

[Brian1]

The one part of your story that completely baffles me is you said you and your wife considered adopting the child even though you knew and your girlfriend said she would not give the child up.

 

Maybe your girlfriend knows that if you tell your wife that the two of you will come looking to take your daughter away from her, her child away.

 

Yes I may be completely wrong but saying you and your wife considered adopting the child without discussing with the mother speaks volumes.

 

I spoke with my girlfriend when she informed me that she was pregnant. I was obviously very happy on one hand, but in panic mode on the other. (I did use a condom almost all the time up to her pregnancy, but obviously not that day.)We both discussed what to do with the child. The only two options were 1) she would keep the child and raise her with my full support or 2) I would keep her under the pretense of adopting her and my gf would visit her as often as possible (but would not have any input in raising her). The father, we decided to make up, would be a person she met for a one night stand (I know, not good for her reputation!). After talking for about a month, my wife and my girlfriend nixed option #2.

[Survivor12]

I have taken care of my wife way beyond her dreams. And also I have helped her family a lot. We have a prenuptial agreement which would leave her very content financially and she would receive double if I divorced her. So I don't think the financial part of this problem is even a factor. But all of the other variables are huge factors. I've created a lot of things in my life, but it seems like this mess may be, unfortunately, my legacy.

 

The financial part isn't a factor for whom? Sounds to me like you've got motivation (x 2) to stay with your wife...or to at least motivate her to divorce you.

 

Of course, that may not be hard to do if you tell her that the child you were encouraging her to take as her own to love and adopt without telling her was the product of your affair. Damn, that would be devastating. I mean, if she knew the child was yours, it would be one thing, but to deceive her yet again? That is even worse than the affair itself. Do you really think so little of your wife that you do not feel that she deserves the right to make choices for herself based on truth?

 

Instead of concerning yourself with whether or not your gf is seeing someone else, you really need to focus on how to avoid any further damage to everyone involved--your daughter, your wife, your gf, your families, and, yes, even yourself. Every day you spend chasing around trying to keep your secret--and your status quo--you are making it worse. Stop playing with their lives and taking away their right to choose. It's time to face your mistakes. Come clean. Let the chips fall where they may. You say money doesn't matter so the worse case scenario is that you end up alone. If you love even one of them, it seems that you would be willing to do the right thing.

 

I hope you do.

[Brian1]

OP,

 

if it wasn't for the fact that you have a daughter together, could you see yourself staying with your girlfriend instead of your wife?

 

If it weren't for my daughter, then I would surely choose my wife.

 

It's fine to say that you should go and be with your girlfriend/daughter, and if you can see yourself doing that and being happy long term, than that may be the ideal solution here....but if you're only doing it for your daughter, it may not be the answer. If you and your girlfriend find that you aren't suited to a long term, committed "live in" relationship, then it may be very damaging for your daughter to have you come in to her life full time like that, only to have you leave again a few years later.

 

I would stay with my girlfriend and be happy and faithful but I'm not 100% sure about her part, long term.

 

Maybe your best option would be to tell your wife what happened, then spend some time on your own getting to know your daughter, being more of a dad, and finding out just what you want. This would also give your wife and girlfriend time to figure out what they want...

 

Good suggestion.

 

btw, I can't remember if you said so or not, but have you spoken to a lawyer to find out just what your parental rights/responsibilities are ? What are your options re: spending more time with your daughter?

 

Just to a friend, who is a lawyer, but I didn't go into depth about my situation. I used hypotheticals.

 

you also mentioned that you are going to try and get a paternity test done...that's probably a good idea. What will you do if she turns out to not be your biological child? Will that change anything for you?

 

Oh, yes that's a complete game changer. I would just leave my girlfriend and never look back. She could keep everything up to this point, but nothing more.

[whichwayisup]

I want to point out that it's very possible your wife may no longer want to be with you once she is made aware of the situation. You may not get to "pick her" at all.

 

I agree. And his wife has every right to know the truth so she can decide for herself what it is she wants to do. Right now he holds all the cards and is in total control.

[ThatJustHappened]

Both women deserve to know everything immediately. Your wife deserves to know that you've been cheating on her and have fathered a child with another woman, and that you've been living a complete and total lie for the past 5 years..and your other woman deserves to know that you don't really love her and that if it wasn't for your daughter, you'd have left her a long time ago.

 

Frankly Brian, you sound like an awfully selfish person. You are treating both of these women terribly, and you don't deserve either one of them. It's time to step up start trying to clean up the giant mess you've made of 4 people's lives.

[Realist3]

If Dan Marino can do it, you can too, Brian.

[Brian1]

If Dan Marino can do it, you can too, Brian.

 

Wow, that's incredible news. I just googled the topic and found out about it. Funny that you mentioned it and in a light hearted manner. I think I'm really starting to enjoy your posts Realist3. You're humorous and caring. But I have to believe Dan, whom I've always had great admiration for, let an evil temptation get the best of him, just like myself and now is ashamed of his actions but proud of his daughter. Good luck, Dan.

[tattoo]

OK, bentnotbroken, of course I would not be happy, I would be furious. But we all make stupid decisions in our lives (and maybe that's an understatement) and we have to deal with them. I'm ashamed of what I have done and if I had another chance I obviously never would do it again. But now I am in a huge mess and I need to clean it up, ASAP. Not an easy task even though everyone on the outside thinks it's simple.

 

I think you need to realize you cannot "clean it up ASAP". this is not milk that has been spilled. This is a Tsunami or Class 5 Tornado, or Chernobyl or Hiroshima. This is big stuff. This is mass devastation, and it can't just be cleaned up. It has to be repaired and rebuilt from ground zero.

 

These things take time.

 

But the repair and rebuilding clock doesn't start ticking until the damage and devasation is out in the open. So you have to do that first.

 

Put your own needs last in this situation and think first of your daughter. Your wife is still young enough to move on and find another person, but this is her choice. My honest opinion is let your girlfriend go even if you split with your wife. Trust me, she is moving on. She needs your support and the security that you will provide for her daughter, but don't hold onto her (unless she insists on staying with you).

 

You can't start healing while you keep cutting open the wound.

[Realist3]

Wow, that's incredible news. I just googled the topic and found out about it. Funny that you mentioned it and in a light hearted manner. I think I'm really starting to enjoy your posts Realist3. You're humorous and caring. But I have to believe Dan, whom I've always had great admiration for, let an evil temptation get the best of him, just like myself and now is ashamed of his actions but proud of his daughter. Good luck, Dan.

 

 

It is a tough thing you are going through. While my drama hasn't quite taken your path thus far, it easily could have. It probably wouldn't have played out as yours has given that my affair partner is married, but we have often talked about the possibility of a child, and how that would impact the larger situation. Best of luck to you in these difficult times.

 

People like to rush things along here, and things in real life don't develop quite that quickly. If you feel like it, keep us updated on how things are going.

[Brian1]

It is a tough thing you are going through. While my drama hasn't quite taken your path thus far, it easily could have. It probably wouldn't have played out as yours has given that my affair partner is married, but we have often talked about the possibility of a child, and how that would impact the larger situation. Best of luck to you in these difficult times.

 

People like to rush things along here, and things in real life don't develop quite that quickly. If you feel like it, keep us updated on how things are going.

 

I'll keep everyone updated on my situation when a big change comes along. But I can say, from my experience, I highly, highly suggest to anyone and everyone who might get an urge to have an affair, absolutely do everything in your power to get as far away from your temptation as quickly as you possibly can. Don't get involved. And to those who are already involved in an affair, I highly, highly advise that the male participant always use a condom, if not two. (I've had more than one condom bust during the session.) Don't even think about bringing a child into the affair until you get together in a normal relationship. I know, it's easier said than done. I'm a perfect example. But I don't wish my problem on even my worst enemies. Good luck to everyone, including myself.

[Realist3]

I echo what to me that you just stated. Several months ago a close friend confided in me that he thought he might be headed down the affair road. At that point I had to confess my own affair in explaining to him how he should really give strong consideration to such a decision. It is not all unicorns and fairy tales. In many ways I consider it a burden.

 

In terms of the pregnancy issue I also agree. In most topics here the dicussion of evasion typically comes up, but that is nothing. The thing we focus on most is making sure she doesn't get pregnant.

[GreyhoundtoNowhere]

. And to those who are already involved in an affair, I highly, highly advise that the male participant always use a condom, if not two. (I've had more than one condom bust during the session.) .

 

Um.. Just FYI: Don't ever wear two condoms- the friction between the two will cause a greater chance for the condom(s) to rip.

[Realist3]

Condoms are no bueno.

[2sunny]

Did you have a paternity test done? Are you on the birth record?

 

I find it hard to believe only one time - no condom and she gets pregnant.

 

Maybe she screwed someone else and was afraid you'd find out she got pregnant so---> no condom one time means you would believe it to be yours.

 

Get the paternity proof. IF she has results - you need to see the evidence!

[underwater2010]

Condoms are no bueno.

Neither are STDs.

[Brian1]

Um.. Just FYI: Don't ever wear two condoms- the friction between the two will cause a greater chance for the condom(s) to rip.

 

I was just kidding about the two condoms.

[Brian1]

Did you have a paternity test done? Are you on the birth record?

 

I find it hard to believe only one time - no condom and she gets pregnant.

 

Maybe she screwed someone else and was afraid you'd find out she got pregnant so---> no condom one time means you would believe it to be yours.

 

Get the paternity proof. IF she has results - you need to see the evidence!

 

No, it wasn't only one time. I was always embarrassed buying condoms but in the beginning I used them more than 50%. I was always trying to keep track of her cycle, to avoid her 12-18 days. But apparently unsuccessfully.

[Realist3]

Neither are STDs.

 

I will trust your experience on that, never had an STD.

[Journee]

I don't have much to add about the affair aside from you really should consider giving your wife the opportunity to make choices about her own life. She deserves the opportunity to decide what she wants from life. It is never too late to start again. She will be hurt when this all comes out but if see chooses to move forward, she will heal. She will not remain in a constant state of devastation for her entire life. Give her more credit than you . You also are not the only person capable of loving her. Give her a chance to be thrilled with a new love if you cannot be an honest person.

 

Anyway, my reason for posting is to address the situation with your child. This is going to be a part of her and play a role in developing who she is. I was put up for adoption in a wonderful home. However, knowing the reasoning behind my adoption has left me with deep abandonment issues. I still wrestle with feeling unlovable. I mean if your own mother could abandon you......yeah. Just be sure that in the wake of this destruction you put your baby girl first. Don't allow for her mother or anyone else to keep you from contacting or seeing seeing your daughter everyday. Do not let her one day discover she was a secret. It will rock her in ways you cannot yet fathom. If nothing else do not be selfish with people's lives.

 

Give your daughter a fighting chance to not constantly seek attention and love in all the wrong places because she was a secret. You have got to get a grip on this.

 

Good luck.

[woinlove]

Give your daughter a fighting chance to not constantly seek attention and love in all the wrong places because she was a secret.

 

This is important.

[Realist3]

WHAT? Eww..remind me to wear rubber gloves if I ever meet you.

 

What? Do you wear rubber gloves when you have sex?

[Realist3]

There used to be a "joke" about the rhythm method.

What do you call people who rely on that as a form of birth control?

 

"Parents"

 

I'm glad you were just joking about the 2 condoms. I think it got pointed out because just recently someone else make that suggestion to another very seriously.

Which scares me because ... really?

 

How are things going today Brian? Have you given any more thought to what you are going to do?

 

I need to write this down.

[underwater2010]

I will trust your experience on that, never had an STD.

I have no firsthand experience on STDs....thank you very much. But my FWH's AP did have gential warts...and didn't tell him, we found out through her BH. You should have seen the look on his face when he realized how close he came to bringing that crap home. They did not have sex.

[2sunny]

Do you see results from a paternity test?