woinlove Posted February 5, 2013 Share Posted February 5, 2013 That's correct, the test can be done quickly. I just need to coordinate it with my girlfriend, which sometimes isn't an easy task. The test results I'm sure of. Changing the birth certificate could take time. Then after that, comes the so called dday. (Doomsday, decisionday, ...) Are you saying you plan to tell your W about your daughter and A after the birth certificate is changed? Not sure why if that is what you are thinking. Are you worried she might convince you not to put your name on the birth certificate if you tell her before that is complete? Or if you and your W decide to try to make a go of it after she knows the truth, that the OW might be able to prevent you from having your name on the birth certificate? I'm not sure of the legalities and whether you need the mother's consent. But, I'm not seeing how the birth certificate is connected to telling your W the truth. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brian1 Posted February 5, 2013 Author Share Posted February 5, 2013 Are you saying you plan to tell your W about your daughter and A after the birth certificate is changed? Not sure why if that is what you are thinking. Are you worried she might convince you not to put your name on the birth certificate if you tell her before that is complete? Or if you and your W decide to try to make a go of it after she knows the truth, that the OW might be able to prevent you from having your name on the birth certificate? I'm not sure of the legalities and whether you need the mother's consent. But, I'm not seeing how the birth certificate is connected to telling your W the truth. One never knows what could happen after dday. I certainly don't. But my number 1 concern is to be with my daughter and while things are stable right now, I prefer to take care of those legalities first. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted February 5, 2013 Share Posted February 5, 2013 So...what's the "plan" in a nutshell? And when is the start date? Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted February 5, 2013 Share Posted February 5, 2013 Why does there need to be an arbitrary start date? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brian1 Posted February 5, 2013 Author Share Posted February 5, 2013 Why does there need to be an arbitrary start date? Well said. But anyhow, the plan is in motion. Step 1 is to get the official paternity test results. That's between my girlfriend and myself. Step 2 is to take the paternity test results along with my girlfriend and current birth certificate to a lawyer who will get the certificate changed. Then, ... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brian1 Posted February 5, 2013 Author Share Posted February 5, 2013 Once you have the paternity test results, if positive, changing the birth certificate is not necessary to protect your daughter. It won't change you being responsible for her, and for CS. I don't see why you'd wait. Except to demonize your wife and find another excuse. Please stay with my plan. Any other input would be appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
Decorative Posted February 5, 2013 Share Posted February 5, 2013 Please stay with my plan. Any other input would be appreciated. This thread is a good exercise for you- other people do not have to do what you say, expect, or command. That's a reality you're going to face very quickly in the real world. Pay attention. You're going to have to learn to deal with other people without he expectation of control Or manipulation. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted February 5, 2013 Share Posted February 5, 2013 Why does there need to be an arbitrary start date? Because then its just more words and no action. As usual it seems. Like...getting this paternity test. Apparently scheduling one is now a problem? Always an obstacle to actually DOING something....heck, can't even SCHEDULE a date to do an ACTION. What's the objection to THAT again? Link to post Share on other sites
ThatJustHappened Posted February 5, 2013 Share Posted February 5, 2013 This thread is a good exercise for you- other people do not have to do what you say, expect, or command. That's a reality you're going to face very quickly in the real world. Pay attention. You're going to have to learn to deal with other people without he expectation of control Or manipulation. Can I like this statement 15 more times? I've noticed Brian, and it seems that others have too, that you seem to think that you are the only one who gets to have a say in the outcome of this situation. You don't know how your wife and your child's mother will react to d-day. You have to prepare yourself for the very real possibility that they will both leave you. You are the one who made this mess and hurt all of these people..now you will have to deal with the consequences, whatever they may be. But again, the ONLY option that won't damage your daughter in the long run is to come clean, and she is the one who matters most here. You have to be willing to make sacrifices for her in order to be a good parent. If you don't come clean, you'll be teaching her that she's something to be ashamed of and damaging her irreparably Please don't forget that. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brian1 Posted February 5, 2013 Author Share Posted February 5, 2013 My daughters' well being is number one for me. The women can and will make their own choices. One dilemma I still haven't decided on from my part is to see if my wife wants to reconcile and I'd have visitation rights with my daughter or just divorce my wife and stay with my girlfriend and my daughter. Of course everything is contingent. If I tell my girlfriend that I'm going to tell my wife everything and see if my wife wants to reconcile, then my girlfriend might feel that I'm only willing to be with her as a second option. So, I realize most posters are saying let each woman decide for themselves but that strategy needs prerequisites in order for them to decide. For example, if my wife is willing to reconcile but I'm not, she needs to choose another option. That is why I keep saying I need to decide what I want and then give them the options to choose. I think I can only tell my girlfriend whether I want to divorce my wife or not and see what she wants to do regarding my decision about my wife. I realize it's a very good possibility that I will end up on my own. So, my decision right now (the paternity test and birth certificate part is already in motion) is to come clean and go with my girlfriend or come clean and wait to see what my wife wants to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brian1 Posted February 5, 2013 Author Share Posted February 5, 2013 Shove them into what ever position you want them in....nice. What you want. That's your perspective. That's not the way I see it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brian1 Posted February 5, 2013 Author Share Posted February 5, 2013 Because then its just more words and no action. As usual it seems. Like...getting this paternity test. Apparently scheduling one is now a problem? Always an obstacle to actually DOING something....heck, can't even SCHEDULE a date to do an ACTION. What's the objection to THAT again? You need to keep in mind how a paternity test works. Two parties need to give samples. Some people work and some people go to school and some people are difficult to pin down. Obviously, I need to be in the lab with my daughter at the same time that the samples are taken. Next Tuesday has been scheduled for the process. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brian1 Posted February 5, 2013 Author Share Posted February 5, 2013 No, they can't and they won't make their choices because you gaslight both of them. You maneuver them like puppets and life is just a big game for you where things go only according to Brian's plans and approvals. You are used to power and getting your way because you are succesful at whatever you do for a living. I feel bad for your OW. She was too young to see through the seemingly attractive, succesful, alpha mature man. You are so sick and rotten to your core and you can't see it. I roll my eyes when people say cheaters are narcissists, but I'm starting to wonder. That or a sociopath. You are the kind of person I'd hope to never cross paths with. I kindly appreciate your perspective. Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted February 5, 2013 Share Posted February 5, 2013 I kindly appreciate your perspective. That's charming. Are you continuing the counseling sessions? That's one positive thing you could do while your plan is set in motion. Link to post Share on other sites
Decorative Posted February 5, 2013 Share Posted February 5, 2013 You need to keep in mind how a paternity test works. Two parties need to give samples. Some people work and some people go to school and some people are difficult to pin down. Obviously, I need to be in the lab with my daughter at the same time that the samples are taken. Next Tuesday has been scheduled for the process. Walmart sells Identigene kits. You could pick one up this afternoon. No lab time. Stop by the house, swab your daughter's cheek. Takes ten seconds. Swab yours. Mail it in. No need to keep delaying and throwing up roadblocks. Link to post Share on other sites
ThatJustHappened Posted February 5, 2013 Share Posted February 5, 2013 My daughters' well being is number one for me. The women can and will make their own choices. One dilemma I still haven't decided on from my part is to see if my wife wants to reconcile and I'd have visitation rights with my daughter or just divorce my wife and stay with my girlfriend and my daughter. Of course everything is contingent. If I tell my girlfriend that I'm going to tell my wife everything and see if my wife wants to reconcile, then my girlfriend might feel that I'm only willing to be with her as a second option. So, I realize most posters are saying let each woman decide for themselves but that strategy needs prerequisites in order for them to decide. For example, if my wife is willing to reconcile but I'm not, she needs to choose another option. That is why I keep saying I need to decide what I want and then give them the options to choose. I think I can only tell my girlfriend whether I want to divorce my wife or not and see what she wants to do regarding my decision about my wife. I realize it's a very good possibility that I will end up on my own. So, my decision right now (the paternity test and birth certificate part is already in motion) is to come clean and go with my girlfriend or come clean and wait to see what my wife wants to do. There's no spin you can put on this that will make it any more appealing to anyone..this is not a business negotiation. To your wife, you are a cheating husband..to your child's mother, you are the man who refused to leave his wife for 5 years, even after she had your baby. You're not a good person in either situation. If you leave your wife for your child's mother, you're going to hurt your wife. If you wait and see if your wife will stay married to you, you're going to hurt your child's mother. Frankly, the best thing for both women would be if you just left them alone and fixed yourself before attempting to have a relationship with either one of them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brian1 Posted February 5, 2013 Author Share Posted February 5, 2013 That's charming. Are you continuing the counseling sessions? That's one positive thing you could do while your plan is set in motion. Absolutely. My therapy sessions (I've had two so far) give me a great deal of comfort and new perspectives, as does this forum. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brian1 Posted February 5, 2013 Author Share Posted February 5, 2013 Walmart sells Identigene kits. You could pick one up this afternoon. No lab time. Stop by the house, swab your daughter's cheek. Takes ten seconds. Swab yours. Mail it in. No need to keep delaying and throwing up roadblocks. I don't want some half-baked test done. I want a high quality test done with no doubts about the results. It's a very important test for me. The stakes are high. Link to post Share on other sites
Decorative Posted February 5, 2013 Share Posted February 5, 2013 I don't want some half-baked test done. I want a high quality test done with no doubts about the results. It's a very important test for me. The stakes are high. They aren't half baked. LOL Read up on them. There are multiple brands out there that offer in him DNA testing. But you responded exactly how I thought you would. Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted February 5, 2013 Share Posted February 5, 2013 Frankly, the best thing for both women would be if you just left them alone and fixed yourself before attempting to have a relationship with either one of them. He already has a relationship with both of them. Fixed himself from what? Fixed himself from the fact that he loves two people? You are suggesting he should 'fix' himself to meet your accepted societal norm. From what we know now one is okay with it, and other other strongly suspects it. They might be both okay with it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brian1 Posted February 5, 2013 Author Share Posted February 5, 2013 There's no spin you can put on this that will make it any more appealing to anyone..this is not a business negotiation. To your wife, you are a cheating husband..to your child's mother, you are the man who refused to leave his wife for 5 years, even after she had your baby. You're not a good person in either situation. If you leave your wife for your child's mother, you're going to hurt your wife. If you wait and see if your wife will stay married to you, you're going to hurt your child's mother. Frankly, the best thing for both women would be if you just left them alone and fixed yourself before attempting to have a relationship with either one of them. I clearly understand your perspective but that's not the reality. My wife, right now, being in the dark about all of this, is the only completely happy person. (My wife often says to me, "Come on! Brighten up ol' boy." My daughter is happy but she's still young. My girlfriend and I, the two perpetrators, are the ones who aren't completely happy. We have very happy moments but the constant hiding, lying, secrecy and uncertainty is draining on both of us. So, it's obviously not a good situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brian1 Posted February 5, 2013 Author Share Posted February 5, 2013 He already has a relationship with both of them. Fixed himself from what? Fixed himself from the fact that he loves two people? You are suggesting he should 'fix' himself to meet your accepted societal norm. From what we know now one is okay with it, and other other strongly suspects it. They might be both okay with it. Like always, another great post from an understanding, compassionate person. Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted February 5, 2013 Share Posted February 5, 2013 Like always, another great post from an understanding, compassionate person. Sorry if I got a little carried away; but there is a group here that expects everyone to comply with their plan of 'XYZ'. And if for some reason you don't conform with their ideal, then you deserve to be trashed. I don't buy into that mentality, as you probably notice. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted February 5, 2013 Share Posted February 5, 2013 Brian knows what he needs to do and has a plan to make that come about. "You can do it now, tomorrow, yesterday." What purpose does that serve in helping him? He has his own timeline. There is nothing wrong with him following what is best for his situation as he sees it. Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted February 5, 2013 Share Posted February 5, 2013 Sorry if I got a little carried away; but there is a group here that expects everyone to comply with their plan of 'XYZ'. And if for some reason you don't conform with their ideal, then you deserve to be trashed. I don't buy into that mentality, as you probably notice. Wow, and that group includes BS and OW on this thread in agreement. So, is the XYZ group comprised of women who find these actions dishonest? That's a group I'm proud to be in. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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