Complicated affair

[dreamingoftigers]

I wasn't excited about her comments. I was disturbed and baffled. My first thought was, oh no, she's going to make it difficult for me to go through with the first 2 steps of my plan.

But you may be right. Maybe my girlfriend and I deserve each other and my wife deserves a man with more integrity. But then again, almost all husbands we know (and single men, much more so) are either heavy drinkers (aka abusers), womanizers, losers (can't support a family) or just unstable men in general. I'm sure there are still a few good men around (maybe 1 out of 10,000) but most of them are already married (happily? who knows).

 

What the Hell neighbourhood do you live in?

 

The vast MINORITY of men I know are like this.

 

And what the Hell should it matter what other men do if you are more than capable of being even half-decent.

 

I think that you and your girlfriend should go for a parenting assessment and work on the recommendations provided.

 

That poor kid. There is no way this situation is emotionally healthy whatsoever.

[Brian1]

What the Hell neighbourhood do you live in?

 

The vast MINORITY of men I know are like this.

 

And what the Hell should it matter what other men do if you are more than capable of being even half-decent.

 

I think that you and your girlfriend should go for a parenting assessment and work on the recommendations provided.

 

That poor kid. There is no way this situation is emotionally healthy whatsoever.

 

I won't say where I live now but I've lived in Orange County, Calif., around Tampa Bay, Fla., Houston,Tx and other areas and the same situation with men is always the same. A high majority are just as I described.

 

I agree that our situation is not healthy for our daughter. I'm in the process of helping my daughter experience a more real and stable life.

[BrokenPrincess]

I believe you are quite right. I admit we've talked about having another baby in the past, but never seriously. I've always said, if we do, then it will be after our daughter is at least 5 years old.

 

I don't really care if she tells my wife, if that's what she wants to do, but I prefer to tell my wife personally and only after I fix the birth certificate.

 

Also, my girlfriend told me a week ago that the main reason she goes up the mountain so frequently recently is because she has a very hard time seeing me with my wife. And she also says she feels very uncomfortable seeing another young girl (who's been working for me for 1 year) around me and my business. It's hard to say if she's telling the truth about that.

 

I was about to agree 100% with CD as that was my same reaction to what OW said, but then I saw your response, and I just felt filled with such sadness for your OW. I have no advice. For some reason, this whole thread just makes me feel more & more upset. Good luck with the test.

[BrokenPrincess]

 

I know you think you love her, but anyone that loves their spouse would never ever consider having a child with someone else while they are still married to them.It is cruel beyond belief. The idea that you would have even considered it is just so sad that i can't even put it into words...how could you do that to someone who you say you love? how could you even consider hurting her like that?

 

^^this too

[Brian1]

Brian,

please leave your marriage now. The very fact that you could even contemplate purposely having a child with another woman tells me that you really don't love her at all.

 

I've tried to be nice in my responses to you, but my heart breaks for your wife and what you are doing to her...how would you feel if you found out your wife was doing this to you with another man? Think about that, as that is what you are doing to your wife...

 

I know you think you love her, but anyone that loves their spouse would never ever consider having a child with someone else while they are still married to them.It is cruel beyond belief. The idea that you would have even considered it is just so sad that i can't even put it into words...how could you do that to someone who you say you love? how could you even consider hurting her like that?

 

If you can't see that, then I'm sad to say that you seem to be a lost cause...

 

let your wife go, let her find happiness with someone else...and don;t even think of calling her her your life with your other woman implodes and you want a soft place to land and a shoulder to cry on..hopefully, by then she'll have moved on and found happiness with another man

 

Our daughter was not planned. On the contrary, I tried my best to avoid the pregnancy. But I'm very happy I have my daughter. And this 2nd child was never discussed seriously during our 5 year relationship. I would definitely like to have another child with my girlfriend but only if I divorce my wife (or if she divorces me). To have a happy family (which is what I always dreamed about) I'd be better off with my girlfriend (and I also love her). But I do love and care for my wife and the massive guilt my wife would feel if I left her supposedly because she couldn't bear children, would be unbearable. I couldn't live with myself happily if I did that.

[KatZee]

Brian,

please leave your marriage now. The very fact that you could even contemplate purposely having a child with another woman tells me that you really don't love her at all.

 

Of course he doesn't love her.

 

"I don't really care if she tells my wife, if that's what she wants to do, but I prefer to tell my wife personally and only after I fix the birth certificate."

 

There is the lack of empathy I talked about earlier. He really doesn't care if his OW of 5 years, who had his child when his wife couldn't, ruins his wife's world. There is no real emotion here. Nothing beyond, "I need to control when she is told."

 

It's actually scary how cold, detached, and methodical Brian is. Not to mention controlling and how much he schemes and plots.

 

Also not sure where you hang out either. I've never encountered such a mess of people in my own world. (abusers, cheaters, etc.) If those are the people you hang with, then take a look in the mirror. There is a reason all of you guys stick together. You're all toxic, you're all the same. I would never in my life entertain having "friends" like the kind yours are.

[mellow_yellow]

Let's get this straight...what she is proposing is to conceive a child for the express purpose of being used as a beard to cover up her--and your--lies and deception, meanwhile denying your daughter the right to know the identity of her father...sentencing her to living her life as the bastard half-sister. (Mind you, even if you were to tell your daughter the truth, she would still be required to live that role.)

 

Are you freaking kidding me??? This is a woman that you have been in a relationship with for 5 years??? The woman you have betrayed your wife for??? The woman you would consider marrying???

 

And you claim to love your daughter??? The fact that you didn't stand up for her the moment those words came out of her mother's mouth proves that you have no real parental attachment to her. If you did, you would be sickened and furious at the thought of such emotional abuse being inflicted on your daughter as well as at the idea of conceiving a child for the purpose of being used as a pawn. There would be no time to be "having new thoughts"--anger and disgust would have been overwhelming and immediate. Your ONLY thought would have been how to protect your daughter from the monster she calls Mama.

 

But NO, your concern isn't about the well-being of innocent children--it's about whether or not YOU are being manipulated--proving that you are just as self-serving and vile as your gf.

 

I feel nauseous.

 

THIS!!

 

A *thousand* times over!!!

[stillafool]

I wasn't excited about her comments. I was disturbed and baffled. My first thought was, oh no, she's going to make it difficult for me to go through with the first 2 steps of my plan.

But you may be right. Maybe my girlfriend and I deserve each other and my wife deserves a man with more integrity. But then again, almost all husbands we know (and single men, much more so) are either heavy drinkers (aka abusers), womanizers, losers (can't support a family) or just unstable men in general. I'm sure there are still a few good men around (maybe 1 out of 10,000) but most of them are already married (happily? who knows).

 

 

How are you any better than the men you describe above? You may support these women financially but you are no better than the other men you describe. At least if your wife were divorced from you she could move on and God may bless her with a good man who can give her a family. She is wasting her life being married to you and that's not fair. All you seem to care about is what will work best for you. Please divorce your wife and move on the your OW.

[ThatJustHappened]

This situation just took a turn from disgusting to abusive. That poor little girl. I hope she gets taken away from both of you..neither of you is fit to be a parent. This whole thread makes me want to vomit.

[awkward]

My advice is to re-read this thread from an objective perspective. Maybe you will get a sense of the cold, calculating, emotionless posts that you have made here.

I do hope you and your OW get together. Please tell your wife the truth and then walk away forever. Don't keep her as the backup plan because you "love" her.

 

Finally, there is a high possibility that your OW will in fact meet and have an affair with another man. She is deceitful just like you. But she will probably wait until after you marry her ... finances and all.

 

Do you think that your decision to step up as a father isn't related to the fact that your girlfriend was pulling away?

 

Good luck with this mess.

[Brian1]

I'm sorry that you don't see it...

 

it's not about whether or not you can live with your guilt, it's about what is best for your wife...

 

like I said to you before...

 

by lying to her so she'll stay with her, you are taking away her choices in life...

 

infertility treatments are not fun, and if they don't work, they can ruin a woman's self esteem. I've seen friends go through it, and it just eats them up inside when it doesn't work. They are left with a hole that they've never been able to fill. Most women don't put themselves through that unless they really want to be a mother. It would seem your wife really wanted to be a mom, but as long as she's with you, that won't happen.

 

If she moves on and finds a man who is stable and ready to be a good dad and good husband, maybe she'll have the chance to be a mom. They might be able to adopt, maybe she could be a step mom to his kids ( if he has any) or maybe they could even find a surrogate....but as long as she's with you, none of these things can happen for her.

 

You are killing her dream because you don't want to feel bad.

rather than helping her soar, you are weighing her down like the proverbial albatross around her neck ( sorry for the sappy analogy, but I hope you get what I mean)...

 

you could have had the world with your wife, but you sold that to have an affair, and now it's too late to go back again...

 

My wife and I decided not to adopt or find a surrogate because we were already in our 40's. And I'm sure she won't want to do it with another man. But who knows.This affair is by far the worst thing I have ever done in my life, but it also resulted in my greatest treasure (my daughter). No matter what happens in the end, I will be guaranteed unhappiness and happiness. My wife will be guaranteed unhappiness and my girlfriend, depending on what happens, could get one or the other. But that is for the short term. Maybe 1-2 years. Long term? Who knows.

[Brian1]

Of course he doesn't love her.

 

"I don't really care if she tells my wife, if that's what she wants to do, but I prefer to tell my wife personally and only after I fix the birth certificate."

 

There is the lack of empathy I talked about earlier. He really doesn't care if his OW of 5 years, who had his child when his wife couldn't, ruins his wife's world. There is no real emotion here. Nothing beyond, "I need to control when she is told."

 

It's actually scary how cold, detached, and methodical Brian is. Not to mention controlling and how much he schemes and plots.

 

Also not sure where you hang out either. I've never encountered such a mess of people in my own world. (abusers, cheaters, etc.) If those are the people you hang with, then take a look in the mirror. There is a reason all of you guys stick together. You're all toxic, you're all the same. I would never in my life entertain having "friends" like the kind yours are.

 

I don't hang with those types of people. I just observe.

[Brian1]

My advice is to re-read this thread from an objective perspective. Maybe you will get a sense of the cold, calculating, emotionless posts that you have made here.

I do hope you and your OW get together. Please tell your wife the truth and then walk away forever. Don't keep her as the backup plan because you "love" her.

 

Finally, there is a high possibility that your OW will in fact meet and have an affair with another man. She is deceitful just like you. But she will probably wait until after you marry her ... finances and all.

 

Do you think that your decision to step up as a father isn't related to the fact that your girlfriend was pulling away?

 

Good luck with this mess.

 

The firm decision to legalize my position as father of my daughter has brought my girlfriend closer to me and she's been much nicer and cooperative in the last 2-3 weeks. Maybe she thinks with the birth certificate in her hands with my name on it as the father, she can manipulate the outing process more. Once again...who knows?

[scatterd]

Brian

I have been reading your post off and on. I have not posted you anything because honestly I didn't think it would matter what I had to say.You would not change.I have to say I am applaud by the disrespect you have for woman and your child. For instance look at what you responded with.

I betrayed only one woman, and I am ashamed of that and there is only one child involved .

You only betrayed one woman and one child. Quite honestly, I thought you are minimizing your actions.

Their should be no woman and no child betrayed and hurt.Then down bellow you wrote.

 

But then again, almost all husbands we know (and single men, much more so) are either heavy drinkers (aka abusers), womanizers, losers (can't support a family) or just unstable men in general. I'm sure there are still a few good men around (maybe 1 out of 10,000) but most of them are already married (happily? who knows).

 

Do you think what you have been doing is any better then these other men you talked about? You are justifying your actions can you see that? I believe good men are a dime a dozen but their are many to choose from.When I was younger I married two men that did me wrong and others I did not marry. My chooser was off. My Dad told me I can understand you finding ---holes but why dint you get a descent ---hole.It really made since and my choosing changed.

I had a wonderful Dad and a positive role model. With that being said I have to ask you. What kind of Dad do you really want to be? Do you want your Daughter to be proud and a stable person. I wonder if you love your self because of the way you treat woman.

I love myself enough that it matters how I treat people. I hope I am even half a woman that my Dad was a man. I hope that at one point in your life you can be a honorable Husband and father. That will start with you loving yourself and respecting woman with no lying. I can see you have made horrible choices that you may regret in the future. Your wife, OW and child is whom I am referring to. Today can be the day to make good decisions and change your life. Be honest to your wife, and good to OW and child. Treat your wife with respect, if you have an oodle of Love and caring in your heart you will be Honest. Dig deep with in your self and find

a good man. Love and respect you daughter.Redeem yourself. The happier you make others the happier you will be.

Edited February 11, 2013 by scatterd

[BrokenPrincess]

My wife and I decided not to adopt or find a surrogate because we were already in our 40's. And I'm sure she won't want to do it with another man. But who knows.This affair is by far the worst thing I have ever done in my life, but it also resulted in my greatest treasure (my daughter). No matter what happens in the end, I will be guaranteed unhappiness and happiness. My wife will be guaranteed unhappiness and my girlfriend, depending on what happens, could get one or the other. But that is for the short term. Maybe 1-2 years. Long term? Who knows.

 

Right...your wife, your, and potentially OWs unhappiness will be for the short-term. If you don't come clean and establish yourself as your little girls father, her unhappiness will guaranteed last her lifetime.

[BrokenPrincess]

The firm decision to legalize my position as father of my daughter has brought my girlfriend closer to me and she's been much nicer and cooperative in the last 2-3 weeks. Maybe she thinks with the birth certificate in her hands with my name on it as the father, she can manipulate the outing process more. Once again...who knows?

 

Or maybe she's just getting closer because she thinks you're getting ready to finally come out & complete your little family with her?

[Brian1]

people in their 40's can and do adopt...

 

she may well want to try again with another man who isn't you...maybe she can't get pregnant anymore, but she could still have children

 

do you not see what you did to her? you've stolen FIVE YEARS of her life that she will never, ever get back...five years that she could have spent with another ma, looking into ways to make her dream of being a mother a reality...how can you look at your face in the mirror and know that you stole that form her and possibly see it as okay?

 

She might well have chosen a different path, but you never gave her that chance...

 

as for your daughter...i don't like to say it, but neither you or your other woman seem to really care that much about her...the words are there, but not the action...

 

ask anyone who's a parent, and they'll tell you they would stab themselves in the heart before they treated their child the way the two of you are treating this little girl...

 

Well, I can understand your view but I absolutely don't agree with it, in my case at least. Generally speaking, you're probably 95 % accurate. Every case has many, many variables and looking in from the outside, it's impossible to see or understand even half of those variables. I can't give 100% of the details and word for word conversations or visual enhancements that would help give a more accurate picture, but that's the way a forum works. But with the information you have, I appreciate comments.

[scatterd]

My wife will be guaranteed unhappiness and my girlfriend

Oh come on a you for real. You hope they will be unhappy. You are sounding like you think you are Gods

gift to Woman. You can also be replaced as you did to them. Take it from someone thats been there. I said

it earlier you wont change. Wait untill Karma comes back.

[SunshineToday]

Brian,

 

Have you ever once thought about how it will make your sweet innocent daughter feel to learn, that she was born to a man --who was married to another woman--not her mother?!!

 

That fact alone is going to be a brutal blow to her outlook on herself, her mother & her father. No matter how good of an upbringing the girl has, she will find out these facts and it will be harmful to her psyche.

 

For her (your daughters) sake please stop this insanity, do not bring another child into this situation until you fix things (ie: be with one woman and let the other go) For your daughter.

[Brian1]

Brian...

 

it's been five years that this has been going on. things are the way they are...

 

try looking at it this way...

 

what if your wife suddenly found out what was going on, and she asked you about it...

 

what would you tell her ( keep in mind, she now knows for sure the affair has happened and you think you have a daughter with another woman...you can't lie or pretend anymore)

 

what would you do? what would you say to her? what would your choices be?

 

the thing is that no matter what you do, your wife is going to figure out what happened, whether you tell her or not...

 

if the little girl is yours, you'll have to tell her something or continue to lie and sneak, which you say you don't want to do

 

if the little girl isn't yours, you say you will end things with your other woman...if that's the case, do you really think that this woman who has lied to you all this time and become financially dependent on you will just disappear?

 

why weren't you honest with your wife four years ago ( or whenever it was that you found out your OW was pregnant)? did the lies jut get out of hand and before you knew it, it was too late? it's never to late for the truth.

 

I think I would just tell my wife what happened and I'm going to participate in my daughters' life. Then my wife can decide what she wants to do. My daughter not being mine isn't even a factor for me. If she isn't mine, it's clear what will happen.

You are right. The lies just snowballed and got out of control. I understand that it's never too late for the truth. But it's easier to say than to do.

[Brian1]

Oh come on a you for real. You hope they will be unhappy. You are sounding like you think you are Gods

gift to Woman. You can also be replaced as you did to them. Take it from someone thats been there. I said

it earlier you wont change. Wait untill Karma comes back.

 

Try not to take partial quotes that can be easily taken out of context.

 

I hope everyone involved can be happy. But that sounds nearly impossible.

[scatterd]

Brian

I know you think no body will be happy.They wont be at first but time heals all. You know how disapointed your wife was about not conceiving and you know you will leave a scar. I do think she will understand why she was not meant to have a baby with you later on. Telling her gives control back to your wive. I think you really dont want to loose you wive because she is honest, faithful and is good catch. Its too bad she was not enough for you but you owe her the truth that is the least you can do. You have been doing everything on your terms. Telling her later will not change the out come. Maybe she will have a little respect for you telling her. The

cards are going to be in her hand for a change. I hope you have learned from this. Good Luck

[Brian1]

maybe so...but don't you feel weighed down by all the lies and deceit? wouldn't it be wonderful to be able to be open and honest with those you say you love? don't you want to be the kind of man your daughter can be proud to call "dad"?

 

Look, I know men who have been in an affair can "reform" to become better men...if I didn't think that, i never would have stayed with my husband after his affair. Unfortunately, the longer you wait the harder it's going to be for everyone...

 

If you do tell your wife, she'll either leave you or want to stay and be a step mom to this little girl. she may even be able to be a source of stability in her life that it doesn't sound like she's really had. Right now, that can happen, and your daughter will accept that and be happy she has someone else who loves her. the longer you wait, the harder it's going to be...

 

You mentioned in your previous comment that if my wife knew everything about my affair and my daughter, how would I handle it? I said I would tell my wife that I will be participating in my daughters' life completely and then I would let my wife decide what she wants to do.

 

In your last paragraph above, I agree with you fully.

[Brian1]

Brian

I know you think no body will be happy.They wont be at first but time heals all. You know how disapointed your wife was about not conceiving and you know you will leave a scar. I do think she will understand why she was not meant to have a baby with you later on. Telling her gives control back to your wive. I think you really dont want to loose you wive because she is honest, faithful and is good catch. Its too bad she was not enough for you but you owe her the truth that is the least you can do. You have been doing everything on your terms. Telling her later will not change the out come. Maybe she will have a little respect for you telling her. The

cards are going to be in her hand for a change. I hope you have learned from this. Good Luck

 

I've learned a lot from my situation. But the main thing, and this might be obvious, that I learned is not to get involved with two lovers simultaneously. A normal person would assume that would be obvious. I do know how and why I fell into this trap of lustful temptation, but I definitely don't want to repeat it.

[Brian1]

Does anyone know how difficult and how long it would take my daughter of 3 1/2 years old to transition into living with me and my wife, part time at least? I assume her mother (my current girlfriend) would have to accompany my daughter at least for awhile. Any thoughts?