Complicated affair

[woinlove]

That may likely be the case, but you have set up your girlfriend. You know she is going to react harshly. You have been talking about marriage. Put yourself in her shoes, really. Pretend you aren't the person with all of the financial pull. What would you do if you were her?

 

Excellent advice. Work hard to try to put yourself in both your OW's and your wife's shoes and ask yourself what you would feel and how you would react, given the information they have been provided by you. That's a good start at developing some empathy for each of them.

 

Do you expect your wife to react better (as far as making your life miserable) if you leave her for the OW? Is that why you are considering the option of being with the OW? I'm not suggesting that is not valid. From what you tell us, I think you may be better suited to a life with the OW.

Edited February 14, 2013 by woinlove

[spice4life]

If my daughter is my daughter, then I will take care of her for her entire life. I was referring to my girlfriend. I'll take care of my girlfriend until she finds someone new (hopefully soon...just kidding). Try to keep things in context.

 

I did have it in context based on what you posted. No need to become defensive because that is precisely how it came across. My opinion was right on target with what you wrote and anyone who has children would be perturbed by that post.

 

Regarding your last post, I think you have a lot of introspection to do. You need to figure out the root cause of why you chose to handle the situation this way. Something deep inside you is the prime motivation behind your actions. Once you figure that out life will become a lot more clear.

[Realist3]

I guess my point is that you are treating both women as commodities. "If this one bolts,I will go with the other one." Do these women love you for you, or do they love your money? Do you actually love them? It seems like they are accessories.

 

Reconcile with your wife? Reconcile for what? Do you really think that if your wife says, "ok", you are going to be happy with that?

[Brian1]

Excellent posts. I have to run but later I'll respond. Thanks again.

[weedsandposies]

Why does everyone seem so focused on revenue with this woman? He is doing the right thing by taking care of their child and no one seems to think of his wife as a kept woman so I find that double standard intriguing. He met this girl, had a relationship with her and created a child. He now supports her and their child in the same way he would if he was married to her and she was a stay at home mom. To me, that's an honorable thing he was doing. We don't consider stay at home wives to be kept women do we? So why is this different because he didn't make vows to her?

I can't remember if his wife works, but for some reason I think she doesn't. So is she a kept woman?

Is a marriage certificate (and I really do hate the "it's just a piece of paper" crap but in this case I think it's accurate) really the dividing line between when a person should be financially supported or not? And if so, doesn't that really bring it back to a business transaction? That seems... bizarre to me.

 

Not that "piece of paper" but because he is committed legally, emotionally, socially, perhaps religiously, elsewhere.

 

Noble? Don't think so... if he didn't take care of his child financially, I didn't read that she even knows he's her father, the law would force him to.

[weedsandposies]

OP, I read through only a few pages back and don't see why you're staying with the wife. It seems you want a future with OW, discussing possibilities of future children, babies your wife is unable to provide you. There's somehting missing in your M or you wouldn't have had an affair to begin with. Allowing your wife to decide your future isn't going to make things right or ease your conscience. You'll be miserable watching your daughter grow up, perhaps with another 'dad'. Time is precious and your wasting away your life... and your wife's.

[weedsandposies]

He has never indicated he ever actually has any doubt that the child is his. Have you read the whole thread or just random pieces?

 

I never said noble. I said he did the right thing. The right thing isn't "noble" that's a whole "nother ball of wax.

 

He's legally, emotionally, socially and religiously obligated to pay for his wife to stay home and not work? I don't think so.... not in any current society I'm aware of.

This could take the thread way off topic so I'm not going to respond further but it's a great topic if someone wants to start a new one.

 

Did you read the whole thread? There's a lot more to this.

 

My bad, you said honorable not noble.

 

This OW is a "kept" woman becasue he is (selfishly i might add) taking care of her financially so she does not wonder off to another man. Which she very well may if he decides (or his wife decides LOL) to stay and 'work' on this farce of a marriage. You were asking to deferentiate between honorably taking care of an OW and love child and taking care of a primary wife/GF.

[mellow_yellow]

My wife will make her decision (to divorce or reconcile) and if she wants to divorce, I'll ask my girlfriend if she wants to get married. If my wife is willing to reconcile, then I will have to tell my girlfriend that I will take care of her and our daughter fully until she finds someone new.

 

Nice

 

So your GF is the fall-back option.

 

Make sure you tell her that...she deserves to know.

[scatterd]

I have to say I really feel sorry for your wife and child.

Its a devastating blow to find out someone is not who they thought they were. Your wife will most likely question her judgment and not be able to trust for years to come. The OW is more aware of what she is involved with. I seems like you get to choose who is going to stay with who and I dint mean this rude but your choices and judgment is very questionable. I do not want to offend you but I have seen men in mid life crisis and some of the things you wrote reminded me of that. You want this woman and then you want that woman but I wonder if you really know or what. Just seems a little wishy washy. May be telling the truth and stepping back to let the woman decide would be best. Continue seeking what is best for daughter,so far the most wisest choice you have made has been in her interest. Good Luck

[CarboniteCammy]

I've been checking up on this thread out of morbid curiousity. There are almost fifty pages of hemming and hawing.

 

It's so funny, because like your wife and your girlfriend, everyone here is *waiting* for you to make a decision, OP! But frankly, you've been dragging this on so long, I doubt you have it in you to come clean unless you get caught or unless one of them leaves you on her own.

 

You know, you remind me alot of my dad, and that's not necessarily a compliment. I'll never forget the first time he introduced me to one of his mistresses; this was way after he divorced my mom to be with his OW, and then he cheated on his new wife with another AP. I guess you could call him a serial cheater.

 

I got jerked around alot as a kid and I can tell you that now as a 31 year old woman with a baby and family of her own, my dad only gets to see his first and only grandchild maybe three times a year. If that. I don't want my son getting attached to him, because he's ridiculously flakey which you aught to be able to relate to.

 

When your daughter grows up and is old enough to realize the kind of person you are, you are going to have an *awful* lot of explaining to do:

 

What are you going to tell your kid when she gets older asks why she doesn't know her grandparents?

 

What are you going to tell her when she asks why you didn't marry her mother?

 

She deserves better then this tripe.

[Realist3]

Sometimes the fall back ain't all that bad. [/facetious]

[Brian1]

I guess my point is that you are treating both women as commodities. "If this one bolts,I will go with the other one." Do these women love you for you, or do they love your money? Do you actually love them? It seems like they are accessories.

 

Reconcile with your wife? Reconcile for what? Do you really think that if your wife says, "ok", you are going to be happy with that?

 

I could absolutely be happy with my wife, lifelong, without any other woman. I went through a 2 year tough period with my wife and that's when all of this started. But now, especially the last 1 year, our relationship is as good as it has ever been. To be honest, I love my girlfriend very much, but I wish I never met her and, even more so, I wish I never got involved with her. But that's water under the bridge. I wish there was a time machine to go back and correct things that we knew later would be so destructive. And I realize my procrastination with this mess has caused it to grow and grow. Eventually, I'll have to do what I've been saying from the beginning. Tell all to my wife and see what she wants to do. If she wants it over, then I'll be alone unless my girlfriend is willing to be with me after she finds out my wife doesn't want me. I feel it's not fair to my girlfriend to only have the choice of being with me if my wife rejects me. No matter what happens, we'll all be involved in some way or another for the rest of our lives.

[CarboniteCammy]

yeah, unfortunately for your girlfriend, wife and child! that is true! you've bound all of these people together with deceit and selfishness.

 

this thread really grosses me out.

[Brian1]

Semantics.

 

 

I've never thought of myself as the OW. I only think I am as a technicality.

"Pimped her out" seems to be being used wrong here.

Why does everyone seem so focused on revenue with this woman? He is doing the right thing by taking care of their child and no one seems to think of his wife as a kept woman so I find that double standard intriguing. He met this girl, had a relationship with her and created a child. He now supports her and their child in the same way he would if he was married to her and she was a stay at home mom. To me, that's an honorable thing he was doing. We don't consider stay at home wives to be kept women do we? So why is this different because he didn't make vows to her?

I can't remember if his wife works, but for some reason I think she doesn't. So is she a kept woman?

Is a marriage certificate (and I really do hate the "it's just a piece of paper" crap but in this case I think it's accurate) really the dividing line between when a person should be financially supported or not? And if so, doesn't that really bring it back to a business transaction? That seems... bizarre to me.

 

Well... I find it highly doubtful they'll agree but I don't think either of them is going to want to walk away. I really don't think anyone wants to go anywhere, so maybe he should suggest it and see what happens. I'm all for putting the cards on the table if that's what it comes down to.

 

 

Well... duh. Because she doesn't want to be with you for the money. I could be totally wrong but I think that opinions on this thread and in this forum seem to have convinced you that that is her motivation. Nothing you posted at the beginning ever implied to me that she was with you for any reason other than that she loved you.

Broken hearts are much harder to get over than financial issues for most women.

 

The money part seems to have become an issue but I agree that it's that you were talking to her about marriage, about being a family. That's going to be hard for her to realize.

 

You go back and forth between what you want OP.

 

FIrst, you wanted to be with your girlfriend and your daughter without hurting your wife.

Then you wanted to be with your wife and daughter and have your girlfriend not unhappy.

Then you only wanted what was best for your little girl. (Honestly.. I think this is the one you should be focused on)

Then you again mentioned being with your girlfriend because that would be what made you happy and now you've again looped around to wanting to be with your wife and visitation with your daughter.

 

You do need to decide what you want. I think some time by yourself might clear your head. You may not have any say in how it all goes down, but are you really happy with one of them being your plan b?

 

Will you be happy with your plan b (whatever it is?) or are you just going to take whatever works out and be glad if one of them still wants you?

 

Yes, you are correct. I am constantly flip-flopping. I think it would be easier for me to be without my girlfriend for life than to be without my wife. The two relationships I have are exact, polar opposites of each other. The affair is exciting and passionate (because of the affair bubble) but very dramatic and unstable sometimes (and for some sick reason, I thrive on that, but I'm getting tired of it). The marriage is very stable, deep love and always growing.

 

And I truly agree with you about the OW reputation of being "pimped out." It's very degrading and I am sure my girlfriend was not with me for so long, faithfully, just for the money. And she really is a very, very loving and caring mother.

[2sunny]

Maybe neither woman REALLY loves YOU - maybe they just love your money...

 

Have you ever considered how much YOU BUY THEIR love?

[2sunny]

Yes, you are correct. I am constantly flip-flopping. I think it would be easier for me to be without my girlfriend for life than to be without my wife. The two relationships I have are exact, polar opposites of each other. The affair is exciting and passionate (because of the affair bubble) but very dramatic and unstable sometimes (and for some sick reason, I thrive on that, but I'm getting tired of it). The marriage is very stable, deep love and always growing.

 

And I truly agree with you about the OW reputation of being "pimped out." It's very degrading and I am sure my girlfriend was not with me for so long, faithfully, just for the money. And she really is a very, very loving and caring mother.

 

IF she wasn't BEING PIMPED OUT by you - all of this wouldn't be a secret to her family, no? And you keeping HEr a secret to your W!

 

You're paying her - to stay available and to have access - to sex, companionship and your (maybe) daughter...

 

And it's ALL in secret... Yes, she's sold her soul to the devil. How evil can you e?

[2sunny]

I could absolutely be happy with my wife, lifelong, without any other woman. I went through a 2 year tough period with my wife and that's when all of this started. But now, especially the last 1 year, our relationship is as good as it has ever been. To be honest, I love my girlfriend very much, but I wish I never met her and, even more so, I wish I never got involved with her. But that's water under the bridge. I wish there was a time machine to go back and correct things that we knew later would be so destructive. And I realize my procrastination with this mess has caused it to grow and grow. Eventually, I'll have to do what I've been saying from the beginning. Tell all to my wife and see what she wants to do. If she wants it over, then I'll be alone unless my girlfriend is willing to be with me after she finds out my wife doesn't want me. I feel it's not fair to my girlfriend to only have the choice of being with me if my wife rejects me. No matter what happens, we'll all be involved in some way or another for the rest of our lives.

 

How can you figure your W loves you? She doesn't know who you REALLY are? What deceit YOU'RE REALLY capable of?

 

Your W LOVES who she THINKS you are - but you are NOT THAT GUY!!!!!

[Brian1]

Not that "piece of paper" but because he is committed legally, emotionally, socially, perhaps religiously, elsewhere.

 

Noble? Don't think so... if he didn't take care of his child financially, I didn't read that she even knows he's her father, the law would force him to.

 

I certainly don't spoil my daughter but I take care of her way beyond the legal child support level. I have a great relationship with my daughter and she's always very excited and happy when we get together. But I know as she grows, the situation between her mother and I is going to effect her psyche. I want to avoid that as best I can but there are unlimited variables involved in the situation.

 

One thing that hasn't been mentioned up until now is if my girlfriend marries another man and that man is a terrible father or worse, abusive to my daughter then what? But that's all hypothetical yet a good possibility.

[Brian1]

OP, I read through only a few pages back and don't see why you're staying with the wife. It seems you want a future with OW, discussing possibilities of future children, babies your wife is unable to provide you. There's somehting missing in your M or you wouldn't have had an affair to begin with. Allowing your wife to decide your future isn't going to make things right or ease your conscience. You'll be miserable watching your daughter grow up, perhaps with another 'dad'. Time is precious and your wasting away your life... and your wife's.

 

I concur with everything you said.

[Brian1]

Nice

 

So your GF is the fall-back option.

 

Make sure you tell her that...she deserves to know.

 

One of the two has to be the "fall-back" option. I don't want either one of them to be a "fall-back" option.

[ThatJustHappened]

One of the two has to be the "fall-back" option. I don't want either one of them to be a "fall-back" option.

 

Why does one of them have to be the fall back option? Why can't you just decide which one you want to be with and let the other one go, and if the one you want rejects you, just be single and start over with someone new without all the lying and cheating?

[Brian1]

I have to say I really feel sorry for your wife and child.

Its a devastating blow to find out someone is not who they thought they were. Your wife will most likely question her judgment and not be able to trust for years to come. The OW is more aware of what she is involved with. I seems like you get to choose who is going to stay with who and I dint mean this rude but your choices and judgment is very questionable. I do not want to offend you but I have seen men in mid life crisis and some of the things you wrote reminded me of that. You want this woman and then you want that woman but I wonder if you really know or what. Just seems a little wishy washy. May be telling the truth and stepping back to let the woman decide would be best. Continue seeking what is best for daughter,so far the most wisest choice you have made has been in her interest. Good Luck

 

I agree. But what happens if I come clean with my wife and then my wife and my OW start fighting to be with me. (I know it sounds selfish, narcissistic,...) Or obviously, the two of them could also decide to never see me again in there lives.

[Brian1]

How can you figure your W loves you? She doesn't know who you REALLY are? What deceit YOU'RE REALLY capable of?

 

Your W LOVES who she THINKS you are - but you are NOT THAT GUY!!!!!

 

Well, that is certainly true.

[Brian1]

Why does one of them have to be the fall back option? Why can't you just decide which one you want to be with and let the other one go, and if the one you want rejects you, just be single and start over with someone new without all the lying and cheating?

 

That's what I plan on doing but what if the "fall-back" wants to be with me after the first one rejects me?

[ThatJustHappened]

That's what I plan on doing but what if the "fall-back" wants to be with me after the first one rejects me?

 

Don't count on that.

 

But I don't understand what the problem with that would be. If that happens, you decide whether or not you want to be with her and if you don't, you tell her so. It's not any different from any other relationship.