scatterd Posted February 14, 2013 Share Posted February 14, 2013 Anything can happen no doubt there. I think if you are completely honest things will happen as they should. The possibility of loosing them both is also there. I am amused with some of the things you come back with. I all most want to laugh. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted February 14, 2013 Share Posted February 14, 2013 Anything can happen no doubt there. I think if you are completely honest things will happen as they should. The possibility of loosing them both is also there. I am amused with some of the things you come back with. I all most want to laugh. Or throw up from reading his attitude of entitlement, selfishness and greed... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
mellow_yellow Posted February 14, 2013 Share Posted February 14, 2013 One of the two has to be the "fall-back" option. I don't want either one of them to be a "fall-back" option. So divorce your wife and let your GF find someone else. Be single and focus on your daughter. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
mellow_yellow Posted February 14, 2013 Share Posted February 14, 2013 I agree. But what happens if I come clean with my wife and then my wife and my OW start fighting to be with me. (I know it sounds selfish, narcissistic,...) Or obviously, the two of them could also decide to never see me again in there lives. Simple: If both want you, then you need to decide who you want to be with. (And yes, it does sound conceited...from what you've shown on here so far, you're not exactly a catch...sorry to be so blunt) If neither wants you, then you're single by default. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brian1 Posted February 14, 2013 Author Share Posted February 14, 2013 Then if you want to be with them be with them, but I'd let them know that they WERE your second choice. Ok, gotcha. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brian1 Posted February 14, 2013 Author Share Posted February 14, 2013 Simple: If both want you, then you need to decide who you want to be with. (And yes, it does sound conceited...from what you've shown on here so far, you're not exactly a catch...sorry to be so blunt) If neither wants you, then you're single by default. I'm not exactly a catch? I guess you're going by my posts. Who knows, maybe I'm not a catch. Link to post Share on other sites
Survivor12 Posted February 15, 2013 Share Posted February 15, 2013 Since, for obvious reasons, you are a failure at marriage and have stated that you don't believe that monogamy is natural, why would you even consider marrying the OW--or anyone else--if your wife divorces you? Speaking specifically of the OW, you opened this thread because of your distrust of her and you have recently mentioned that there are certain aspects of your relationship with your wife that are lacking in your relationship with the OW. Yes, you are correct. I am constantly flip-flopping. I think it would be easier for me to be without my girlfriend for life than to be without my wife. The two relationships I have are exact, polar opposites of each other. The affair is exciting and passionate (because of the affair bubble) but very dramatic and unstable sometimes (and for some sick reason, I thrive on that, but I'm getting tired of it). The marriage is very stable, deep love and always growing. As a matter of fact, in another post you said that you can be happy with your wife for the rest of your life. How can you know that? Didn't you vow that very thing the day you married her? Yet, all you can think about is being MARRIED to one of them. Kinda makes me think of why dogs go around pissing on trees. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
spice4life Posted February 15, 2013 Share Posted February 15, 2013 (edited) Brian1, I feel the need to point out that affairs, by their very nature, are unstable. You are asking a person to traverse (sp?) two worlds in a very unnatural way - one with you and one without you simultaniously. And then add in that she gave birth to your child. Sheesh...how can you judge a person or require them to "be okay" with that situation and act normal? It's impossible. Sure, your wife is loving and caring...she has no clue that she is married to a guy who is living a double life. She also has your full attention where as your OW only gets snipets of yu when you have the time. Based on that alone of course the relationship would be unstable. How can it not be? The OW doesn't have the same opportunity your wife does to create a stable loving relationship. So unless you give her that opportunity to show how she is in a loving fully committed relationsip without another person in the picture you cannot judge her. Not at all. Women are emotional beings that strive on connections and when they are forced to accept only a half (or many times much less) of what a normal relationship would provide, of course they are going to have issues from time to time. It's the dynamic of the situation. I personaly find saying the relationship with an OW is unstable (and many of the MM's here say that) extremely selfish. Unless they have the opportunity to be in a normal relationship with you out in the open, you have no right to judge them. Period. Edited February 15, 2013 by spice4life Link to post Share on other sites
CarboniteCammy Posted February 15, 2013 Share Posted February 15, 2013 In case you missed my posts (haha!) I'm going to ask again: What are you going to say to your daughter when she asks why she doesn't know her grandparents? What are you going to tell her when she asks why you didn't marry her mother? When I got older and asked my dad about his behavior, he basically refused to talk about it and that's part of the reason why I have so little to do with him now. It's hard to respect a parent who is more of a child then you are yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brian1 Posted February 15, 2013 Author Share Posted February 15, 2013 And I'll ask again. -ol' 2long I believe I answered that question a few weeks ago. But to go over it again, no my name is not on the birth certificate. I'm in the process of changing it. I believe in 2-3 weeks it should be accomplished. Until then, I'm trying to keep everything calm with my girlfriend. Then, once the birth certificate is corrected, I plan on coming clean with my wife about my daughter and the affair. Exactly how and exactly when I come clean still hasn't been figured out yet. But the first 2 steps must be completed first. Link to post Share on other sites
mellow_yellow Posted February 15, 2013 Share Posted February 15, 2013 Exactly how and exactly when I come clean still hasn't been figured out yet. But the first 2 steps must be completed first. You must have a rough idea though...this month? By summer? By the end of the year? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brian1 Posted February 15, 2013 Author Share Posted February 15, 2013 OP, i know i may seem to be giving your other woman a hard time, but as a mom, i can't stand to see a child being hurt like this... look at the actions of you and your other woman from an impartial perspective... you are , in many ways, denying your child. you are not treating her well and it is likely causing her damage...( even though she's young) and your other woman actively participates in hurting her child by keeping her hidden from half of her relatives and lying to her, and she allows you to treat your daughter poorly, as she doesn't want to rock the boat and lose you and your money...( you may have told her that you's still support the two of them, but she's probably still afraid). your daughter is three now...if your other woman had anted to, what's to have stopped her from having you take a paternity test or putting your name on the birth certificate when your daughter was a new born? why did she need you to demand that she do it? you may answer that she didn't want to make demands on you, was afraid, didn't ant to hurt you, etc....but come on, when you're a parent, you put your child's mental well being first...not yours, and not someone else's it doesn't sound like either of your actions make you qualify as a "good parent".... again, counseling is highly recommended for all to learn some better coping skills ( i'm not trying to be mean, just being honest...if you want what's best for your little girl, you my need to face some truths that aren't very pleasant, and that's one of them) First off, I was the main one who didn't want my name on the birth certificate when our daughter was born (similar reason why Dan Marino didn't want his on the bc, publicity). Second off, I know now that my daughters' mental health will be affected negatively if we continue our relationship the way it is now. Certainly, if I ever get together with my girlfriend in a normal relationship, we will need to get some counseling on clearing up some issues we have inside our minds. My wife and I are currently in counseling, but separately. We also went to counseling 2 years ago for about 6 months. It helped us out but apparently not me, individually. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brian1 Posted February 15, 2013 Author Share Posted February 15, 2013 she may well find a man who treats her and your daughter well and would make a great step dad...your daughter ( should your wife agree to reconcile) would then have four people to love her... ( if you can't work past this messed up dynamic) if you decide to be with your other woman and daughter, please get counseling to find out why you treated her this way and why she allowed you to treat her and your daughter this way Yes, my girlfriend may find a good man who would take care and love my daughter. But, that's highly unlikely. I know my girlfriend and the potential men she could find. Not good candidates, believe me. Also, a fairly young lady with a child? Not too many good men would want to take that on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brian1 Posted February 15, 2013 Author Share Posted February 15, 2013 Since, for obvious reasons, you are a failure at marriage and have stated that you don't believe that monogamy is natural, why would you even consider marrying the OW--or anyone else--if your wife divorces you? Speaking specifically of the OW, you opened this thread because of your distrust of her and you have recently mentioned that there are certain aspects of your relationship with your wife that are lacking in your relationship with the OW. As a matter of fact, in another post you said that you can be happy with your wife for the rest of your life. How can you know that? Didn't you vow that very thing the day you married her? Yet, all you can think about is being MARRIED to one of them. Kinda makes me think of why dogs go around pissing on trees. That's quite humorous. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brian1 Posted February 15, 2013 Author Share Posted February 15, 2013 Brian1, I feel the need to point out that affairs, by their very nature, are unstable. You are asking a person to traverse (sp?) two worlds in a very unnatural way - one with you and one without you simultaniously. And then add in that she gave birth to your child. Sheesh...how can you judge a person or require them to "be okay" with that situation and act normal? It's impossible. Sure, your wife is loving and caring...she has no clue that she is married to a guy who is living a double life. She also has your full attention where as your OW only gets snipets of yu when you have the time. Based on that alone of course the relationship would be unstable. How can it not be? The OW doesn't have the same opportunity your wife does to create a stable loving relationship. So unless you give her that opportunity to show how she is in a loving fully committed relationsip without another person in the picture you cannot judge her. Not at all. Women are emotional beings that strive on connections and when they are forced to accept only a half (or many times much less) of what a normal relationship would provide, of course they are going to have issues from time to time. It's the dynamic of the situation. I personaly find saying the relationship with an OW is unstable (and many of the MM's here say that) extremely selfish. Unless they have the opportunity to be in a normal relationship with you out in the open, you have no right to judge them. Period. It couldn't have been said any better. Thanks for the insight. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted February 15, 2013 Share Posted February 15, 2013 Also, a fairly young lady with a child? Not too many good men would want to take that on. You are fairly deluded in your thinking... Link to post Share on other sites
mellow_yellow Posted February 15, 2013 Share Posted February 15, 2013 Yes, my girlfriend may find a good man who would take care and love my daughter. But, that's highly unlikely. I know my girlfriend and the potential men she could find. Not good candidates, believe me. Also, a fairly young lady with a child? Not too many good men would want to take that on. OMG - could you be any more condescending?!? And speaking of good men...she sure can't do much worse than her current situation, can she? A part-time BF who doesn't publicly acknowledge their relationship or their child. I'm sure she CAN do better than that! 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brian1 Posted February 15, 2013 Author Share Posted February 15, 2013 In case you missed my posts (haha!) I'm going to ask again: What are you going to say to your daughter when she asks why she doesn't know her grandparents? What are you going to tell her when she asks why you didn't marry her mother? When I got older and asked my dad about his behavior, he basically refused to talk about it and that's part of the reason why I have so little to do with him now. It's hard to respect a parent who is more of a child then you are yourself. I've shown her pictures of my family and explained who they are. I told her, and it's the truth, they all live very far away and some day we'll visit them. As far as explaining why her mother and I aren't married, I'll have to think of something later. Nowadays, not all parents are married. And not all parents live together either. Her mother and I have a different type of relationship than the normal. And as we all know, being different is the key to being special. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted February 15, 2013 Share Posted February 15, 2013 First off, I was the main one who didn't want my name on the birth certificate when our daughter was born (similar reason why Dan Marino didn't want his on the bc, publicity). Second off, I know now that my daughters' mental health will be affected negatively if we continue our relationship the way it is now. Certainly, if I ever get together with my girlfriend in a normal relationship, we will need to get some counseling on clearing up some issues we have inside our minds. My wife and I are currently in counseling, but separately. We also went to counseling 2 years ago for about 6 months. It helped us out but apparently not me, individually. How could counseling possibly help you - and your marriage when you weren't honest about what you are doing? Did your counselor encourage you to tell your wife your truth of what you've been doing these past several years? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brian1 Posted February 15, 2013 Author Share Posted February 15, 2013 Brian, if you do decide to try and make a go of it with your now other woman, you need to make sure that she is your first choice...not your second. If you don't do that, you may, in time, grow to resent her and look for someone else to fill in what you perceive to be the missing pieces in your relationship... If you don't think she can ever measure up to your wife, then you are doing a disservice to her. Let her go and fin someone who makes her his first choice and not a "consolation prize"... in other words, make sure that ebing with her is what's best for her and her, not just easiest or a choice you make out of fear of being alone Sometimes, for some individuals, it can be much better being a super #2 than being a miserable #1. It depends on all the variables of each situation. For example, being #2 in the Super Bowl is much better than being #1 in a pre-season game. Link to post Share on other sites
mellow_yellow Posted February 15, 2013 Share Posted February 15, 2013 Her mother and I have a different type of relationship than the normal. And as we all know, being different is the key to being special. Not when it violates societal norms. I doubt your daughter will feel special upon learning that she is the "result" of an affair. Link to post Share on other sites
scatterd Posted February 15, 2013 Share Posted February 15, 2013 Brian I was divorced twice and this is my third Marriage which has lasted the longest. I was young my self a one time. The first marriage was with my High School sweet heart we had one child when we divorced he said I would never find a man that would love my child and I like him. He was wrong the second one said you will never find a man that will love you like I do and take care of two children. The third one said I love you and will take care of you for the rest of your life and raise you children as my own. I have been Married going on 21 years so far he kept his promise. Do not under estimate a woman for every man that looses woman another comes along to take their place. You may think they your wife and OW are replaceable but remember so are you.so the moral of the story is { It takes many pricks to get to the rose.} Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brian1 Posted February 15, 2013 Author Share Posted February 15, 2013 Very valid. I don't know my "real father," you know.. the one that provided my dna... he isn't in my life but my REAL DAD? THAT man has stood beside me every day of my life since I was very small, he adopted me as soon as he married my mom, he taught me to ride a bike, the alphabet, how to draw a star, grounded me for acting up in high school, he gave me away at my wedding, he held my hand when I didn't know what to do at various junctions in my life, he took care of me and raised me as his own and he doesn't love me any less than he loves my brother or sister. Not all step or adoptive parents are bad people. I couldn't have asked for a better man to call Dad. In fact, speaking of calling Dad, I think I'm going to go do that. Thanks for giving me the reminder of what an amazing guy he is. You are very fortunate and I'm happy for you. But not all adopted children have such luck. Link to post Share on other sites
CarboniteCammy Posted February 15, 2013 Share Posted February 15, 2013 So you're saying that it's ok that you cheated on your wife and had an affair with a woman who was practically a teenager (which produced a child) because you're special? She won't buy that. Neither should you. This is the part of being a dad where you man up and admit your mistakes, and tell her not to follow in your footsteps because it's NOT OK for any man to treat a woman like you did her mother and your wife. Do not screw her up because you can't admit that you screwed up. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
scatterd Posted February 15, 2013 Share Posted February 15, 2013 I do not know why my lines turn out that way but it would not let me edit it. So sorry it looks that way. Link to post Share on other sites
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