Complicated affair

[Journee]

If you believe in karma, then you must believe in ying and yang. Which states, every single thing that exists or happens has a good and a bad side to it. I can honestly look at my big mess and see some very positive and good things that have come out of it, even up to this point.

 

 

 

Would you be able to list those things? Seems like the good things have been for you.

Your daughter is the best thing I can imagine.

 

Once this comes to light. I imagine the positive things will not be happening to just you. Your wife will be able to move on to someone who will be faithful if she chooses. Your OW will also be able to move on. She will not have to live as a secret. She will likely find someone who will be proud to have her and accept everything about her. No more secrets. How freeing.

 

You may face the likelihood of not having either woman

Edited February 16, 2013 by Journee

[mellow_yellow]

I'm know for sure my girlfriend would like to have a normal, stable relationship with me. And my wife believes she has a normal, stable relationship with me. If my girlfriend had $5 million, I don't think she would stay with me if I didn't decide to be with her exclusively.

 

Ok, I'll ask again:

 

1) If your wife had $5 million, do you think she would still want to be with you?

 

If yes - what would be her reasons?

 

2) If your GF had $5 million, and you decided to be with only her, do you think she would still want to be with you?

 

If yes - what would be her reasons?

[Brian1]

Ok, I'll ask again:

 

1) If your wife had $5 million, do you think she would still want to be with you?

 

If yes - what would be her reasons?

 

2) If your GF had $5 million, and you decided to be with only her, do you think she would still want to be with you?

 

If yes - what would be her reasons?

 

I answered your question in my previous post.

[Brian1]

Ok, I'll ask again:

 

1) If your wife had $5 million, do you think she would still want to be with you?

 

If yes - what would be her reasons?

 

2) If your GF had $5 million, and you decided to be with only her, do you think she would still want to be with you?

 

If yes - what would be her reasons?

 

what would be their reasons? You'd have to ask them.

[2sunny]

I think the more useful question is "will either one want him when his truth comes out"?

 

He wants his W first - the OW should know that part. He also may not want her if the child isn't his...

 

And his W deserves to know he's not the man she thinks he is.

[mellow_yellow]

what would be their reasons? You'd have to ask them.

 

That assumes that both would want to be with you regardless of money.

 

But ok, that settles the question what you think about the matter.

 

And if you point you GF and your wife to this thread, I'll be happy to ask them

[mellow_yellow]

I think the more useful question is "will either one want him when his truth comes out"?

 

He wants his W first - the OW should know that part. He also may not want her if the child isn't his...

 

And his W deserves to know he's not the man she thinks he is.

 

Yep, completely agree.

[mellow_yellow]

I answered your question in my previous post.

 

No, you didn't.

 

But you did indirectly answer it in a later post (the answer being that you don't know), so thanks for that.

Edited February 16, 2013 by mellow_yellow

[ThatJustHappened]

You'd have to ask them. But at least behind the walls of lies and deceit, they all seem to be emotionally content. The least of the 3 maybe is my girlfriend because she faces the most uncertainties.

 

I would love to! PM me their email addresses and/or phone numbers and I will!

[Brian1]

I would love to! PM me their email addresses and/or phone numbers and I will!

 

Sure thing.

 

[email protected]

[email protected]

 

Good Luck.

[wisernow]

Sure thing.

 

[email protected]

[email protected]

 

Good Luck.

 

This whole thread and the OP is a huge waste of time. He has been given great advice which he ignores and berates the giver of said advice. He wants nothing more than to be a smart ass. Go forth and prosper OP, let us hear from you in 10 years when your little fake world has blown up and your daughter knows just what a fraud you are. I hope you'll save some money for her therapy, as she'll likely need it. Good luck.

[Brian1]

This whole thread and the OP is a huge waste of time. He has been given great advice which he ignores and berates the giver of said advice. He wants nothing more than to be a smart ass. Go forth and prosper OP, let us hear from you in 10 years when your little fake world has blown up and your daughter knows just what a fraud you are. I hope you'll save some money for her therapy, as she'll likely need it. Good luck.

 

Dumb questions receive dumb responses.

[wisernow]

Dumb questions receive dumb responses.

 

I don't think your questions (initially) were "dumb" at all. But once you were given heartfelt and thoughtful advice, you became, defensive and a smart ass. You are in a self caused bad situation, you know it or you wouldn't have come here and posted your story. Continuing to be rude to the very people you reached out to is pointless.

 

Look, no one here knows you, won't lose any sleep over you, but you came here, no one reached out to you. Being defensive is pointless and a waste of your time and ours. Again, good luck. I do think you're going to need it.

[awkward]

OP you are in a childless marriage. You don't have financial problems. You are in love with your OW. Why did you not leave your marriage when your OW gave birth to your daughter?

[2sunny]

OP you are in a childless marriage. You don't have financial problems. You are in love with your OW. Why did you not leave your marriage when your OW gave birth to your daughter?

 

Because he's a cake eater who wants both. And he's afraid his OW will start dating when she realizes he's just paying her off to provide sex and stay quiet while he intends to stay married. He intends to find out if the child is really his, nice eh?

 

He thinks his money can cover up his bad behavior and pretend its all love - meanwhile - he's lied to everyone.

 

Then he calls that love.

[ThatJustHappened]

Sure thing.

 

[email protected]

[email protected]

 

Good Luck.

 

Just as I expected. A cowardly response from a cowardly person.

 

I'm out. Other posters, we are just feeding the OP's already bloated ego by continuing to pay attention to him. Nothing anyone says on here is going to have any real impact on him. He's just looking for fights at this point. I suggest we let this thread die.

[2sunny]

I think coward is appropriate given the circumstances he keeps listing.

 

I hope other women in affairs will read and take notice how selfish cheaters are.

 

I hope his wife finds out.

[dreamingoftigers]

Hey realist3, in response to your earlier comment, yes I would prefer to live the rest of my life with my wife with visitations with my daughter. But I could also be very happy living the rest of my life with my girlfriend and being with my daughter constantly. The difficult part for me is whoever I stay with, I will really, really miss the other who I don't stay with. And also the 3rd possibility would be that I get left alone and the two women also get left alone. That would be the worst for me, obviously. Up to this minute, I have good and bad moments with each woman. When I am having a bad moment with my girlfriend, I always think I would much rather be with my wife. And of course when I have bad moments with my wife, I always think I would much rather be with my girlfriend. And this goes back and forth several times each day in my mind. My life with my girlfriend and my daughter would be much more alive and fun. But my wife is 100% committed to me and completely loyal and faithful. I don't know how my girlfriend would be over the long term. It's a high risk gamble to go completely with my girlfriend. If all goes well, it would be just what I want. But if it doesn't go well, then I would be in a very,very bad position. So I don't know what the hell to do. Each day is very different from the previous. It's like a vicious roller-coaster.

As far as her family goes, yes I'm fine with them. I've always got along well with her sisters, especially the one who is closest to her.

 

Just flip a coin and get it over with!

 

Or just tell your wife already about the "family" she had over for Christmas.

 

Having that much power is too much fun. Just look at what you control.

[Brian1]

So what you're suggesting is that all the questions you've been asked are dumb?

 

-ol' 2long

 

I was referring to one particular question. No other.

[Brian1]

OP you are in a childless marriage. You don't have financial problems. You are in love with your OW. Why did you not leave your marriage when your OW gave birth to your daughter?

 

Good question. I believe that I can't completely trust my OW.

[Brian1]

brian,

it seems like you aren't being honest with your wife and other woman because you are scared. you're scared to be alone.

 

i find that the idea that if the test comes back and this little girl isn't yours then it's over with your other woman ( can i call her "Jane" because i don't like slang terms or acronyms, and she is a real person ?) to be very telling. is the bond going to be that easy to break? if so, why?

 

would you still tell your wife about Jane and her daughter and what has gone on? if not, why?there's a pretty good chance she'd fimd out either from Jane, her family, or some other way...how would that play out?

 

it really does sound as if you are deciding to maintain the status quo because of fear, and that is no way to live.

 

if being with your wife is what you want, then tell her everything. be honest. let her decide what she wants and realize that even if she chooses you, that it's going to take a lot of hard work on your part to repair the damage...and for goodness sake, don't keep Jane waiting for your marriage to crash and burn so you'll go running to her. Let Jane go and find happiness with someone who loves her.

 

if you fear for your daughter's safety, then do something about it....

 

one more thing....if you feel that you are afraid that if you and Jane split up she'll find some knob to get involved with i can tell you this...the longer you keep Jane as your other woman, the lower her self esteem is going to get and the greater the chance she'll feel that some knob is all she can get. If you are going to end things with her to be with your wife, do it kindly and compassionately and make sure she hs supports in place ( not you... you will be the last person on earth she should turn to) to help her through it...

 

Very good post. I realize very well what is the right thing to do. And I know that many, if not all, posters have said the same thing. I will have to do it sooner or later. And the sooner the better. I love my wife as much as anyone else loves their wife. I love my girlfriend as much as anyone else loves their girlfriend. And I love my daughter as much as anyone else loves their daughter. I don't want to live without any one of the three. I am fully aware that my mentality about this is completely abnormal. I need to fix my mentality and obviously this mess of a love triangle. I would prefer to have a terminal disease than have the problem that I have.

I have even considered splitting all my assets into three parts and leaving 1/3 to each woman and moving myself far away and let everyone start over from scratch.

[Brian1]

I don't think your questions (initially) were "dumb" at all. But once you were given heartfelt and thoughtful advice, you became, defensive and a smart ass. You are in a self caused bad situation, you know it or you wouldn't have come here and posted your story. Continuing to be rude to the very people you reached out to is pointless.

 

Look, no one here knows you, won't lose any sleep over you, but you came here, no one reached out to you. Being defensive is pointless and a waste of your time and ours. Again, good luck. I do think you're going to need it.

 

You are completely correct. I apologize to all posters who have contributed to my thread. And I appreciate all posts.

[Brian1]

^^^^This would be great....if it didn't allow you to run away from the mess you created and face all emotions and consequences.

 

I would stay and face the mess head on. And then, divide assets and move away.

[woinlove]

Good question. I believe that I can't completely trust my OW.

 

And she can't completely trust you. I don't think staying with your W because you can trust her is a good idea while she can't trust you. Probably a better match with the OW, unless you really change.

 

I love my wife as much as anyone else loves their wife. I love my girlfriend as much as anyone else loves their girlfriend. And I love my daughter as much as anyone else loves their daughter.

 

You cannot talk for everyone else. Love is displayed through actions and I definitely know many men who love their wives better than you love yours. You are confusing your feelings with real love, which goes beyond feelings.

 

 

I would prefer to have a terminal disease than have the problem that I have.

 

People typically don't get much choice in their terminal diseases, whereas you are living the life made through your own choices, and making others live the life of your choice as well. Choices made each day for the past 5 years. Interesting, that you had to get to the stage of your daughter starting to be able to question the situation, before you started considering changing something.

 

Many would have made a different choice 5 years ago and not started an affair, then again at 4.5 years and not had unprotected sex with the AP, then again at 4 years ago and not hidden the impending birth of their daughter, and so on. I think people tend to be where the want to be, and so I suspect you wanted this path for many years. Not so clear you would want a different path even now, if you could figure out a way to weave a convincing web of lies for your daughter, as you do for your wife and OW. But that's not so easy, and so you are finally beginning to see, that you will have to change something. But what??? You don't seem to know. Maybe still hoping to pull a convincing whopper out of your sleeve?

[Survivor12]

I love my wife as much as anyone else loves their wife. I love my girlfriend as much as anyone else loves their girlfriend. And I love my daughter as much as anyone else loves their daughter.

 

How could you possibly believe this? First of all, it is impossible to compare "feelings", but more importantly, you are ignoring the very basis of what it means to love--to be LOVING!

 

Do you really believe that you love your wife as much as a man chooses to resist the temptation to have sex with another woman because of his love for his wife?

 

Do you really believe that you love your OW more than a man who TRUSTS his gf and does not proclaim to love another woman who he claims to prefer over her?

 

Do you have any idea the depth of love a parent feels for their child when their child wakes up in the night in pain or in fear as they hold and comfort them?

 

Please, don't compare the feelings you have for these people with people who have dedicated and are willing to sacrifice anything for those they truly love. You don't have a clue, and, in all sincerity, I find that very sad.