Complicated affair

[Brian1]

Best of luck with that.

 

I'm amazed at the change you have made in the few weeks this thread has been around. I guess over this period you have gained some clarity, and that is always a good thing.

 

You know what is best, and while you have danced all around, I think you have come to the best conclusion.

 

In the last 4 weeks my girlfriend has caused me to become more and more suspicious of her motives. She continues to go up the mountain but when she is here she professes 100% love and commitment to me. And she's still very passionate with me. She says that she'll be coming to live with my daughter permanently again the first week of March. I just am not getting the same vibrations with her as I got before. If she does have another boyfriend, I want her to go forward with him and be happy. But she adamantly denies it. Anyway, I believe it's time to close things down.

[waterwoman]

Good luck Brian. Whatever has gone on in the past you are looking to set it right. Your little girl deserves to be out in the open with you as her dad x

[Brian1]

who does your daughter live with while she's away "up the mountain"? Why doesn't her daughter live with her full time now?

 

My daughter lives here near me, about 4 blocks away, with my girlfriends' sister and mother. My daughter goes to school here so that's why she doesn't go up the mountain. My girlfriend is here with my daughter about 3-4 days each week and she sometimes brings her up the mountain on weekends.

[Realist3]

In the last 4 weeks my girlfriend has caused me to become more and more suspicious of her motives. She continues to go up the mountain but when she is here she professes 100% love and commitment to me. And she's still very passionate with me. She says that she'll be coming to live with my daughter permanently again the first week of March. I just am not getting the same vibrations with her as I got before. If she does have another boyfriend, I want her to go forward with him and be happy. But she adamantly denies it. Anyway, I believe it's time to close things down.

 

Know this. When you do 'close things down with her' she will fight to keep it going. You are going to have a lot on your hands. But the best way to go into it is be prepared. Whatever situation you suspect she may be involved in she will drop like a rock.

[Survivor12]

I hope nothing dramatic happens to influence my plan, in a negative way.

 

The longer you put off telling your OW that it's over and telling your wife the truth, the greater the chance of finding reasons not to follow through. If you really intend to follow through, there is no good reason to put it off. You dont need your OW's compliance to get your name on your daughter's birth certificate. You have proof of paternity. Hire an attorney to help get it done and to secure your visitation rights. Until you do that, you will continue to be at the mercy of your OW. Even if she is agreeable now, or even after you break up with her, doesn't mean that she won't change her mind at a later time.

[Realist3]

In the last 4 weeks my girlfriend has caused me to become more and more suspicious of her motives. She continues to go up the mountain but when she is here she professes 100% love and commitment to me. And she's still very passionate with me. She says that she'll be coming to live with my daughter permanently again the first week of March. I just am not getting the same vibrations with her as I got before. If she does have another boyfriend, I want her to go forward with him and be happy. But she adamantly denies it. Anyway, I believe it's time to close things down.

 

 

When I read this again, it seems like your main motive for your current actions were your suspicions of your girlfriend. Am I reading that wrong? Going back to the first post.

[Brian1]

Know this. When you do 'close things down with her' she will fight to keep it going. You are going to have a lot on your hands. But the best way to go into it is be prepared. Whatever situation you suspect she may be involved in she will drop like a rock.

 

I confronted her again last night about being away from my daughter and having a boyfriend and she denied it and got upset and just said good bye, and hung up. I called her again this morning at 7:45 am at her sister's house and her sister said she wasn't around but she'll call me at 10 this morning. A tad strange. I'm going to push her on this issue today and this week. If she has someone else, it would be telling whether she wants to drop him like a rock or drop me.

[Realist3]

I confronted her again last night about being away from my daughter and having a boyfriend and she denied it and got upset and just said good bye, and hung up. I called her again this morning at 7:45 am at her sister's house and her sister said she wasn't around but she'll call me at 10 this morning. A tad strange. I'm going to push her on this issue today and this week. If she has someone else, it would be telling whether she wants to drop him like a rock or drop me.

 

On the first page I said, "Why not just go up there and find out for yourself?"

 

That can't be too hard.

[Brian1]

On the first page I said, "Why not just go up there and find out for yourself?"

 

That can't be too hard.

 

I'm just going to tell her to come down permanently next week or we're done. No more waffling.

[Realist3]

I'm just going to tell her to come down permanently next week or we're done. No more waffling.

 

 

Whoa!!! What are you doing? You just said you were going to end it with her. Making that demand is saying you are more committed to her.

 

You are waffling. Sorry.

[Brian1]

Whoa!!! What are you doing? You just said you were going to end it with her. Making that demand is saying you are more committed to her.

 

You are waffling. Sorry.

 

Maybe I'm forcing a break up, which is really what I want long term.

[jwi71]

When I read this again, it seems like your main motive for your current actions were your suspicions of your girlfriend. Am I reading that wrong? Going back to the first post.

 

Nope. You're right.

 

It was if she is cheating on me - I'm gone.

And should I deliver an ultimatum - leave him or else I'm gone.

All the while remaining M himself.

 

Have you noticed Realist, NOTHING has changed from post one.

 

Still demanding that his GF stay faithful while he remains M. The whole baby sideshow is just that.

 

Now its - the GF is supposed to leave the whole "setup" OP has purchased for her, leave her family, and drag the daughter down to him. While remaining M to his W.

 

Nothing has changed in how many pages again?

[Survivor12]

I confronted her again last night about being away from my daughter and having a boyfriend and she denied it and got upset and just said good bye, and hung up. I called her again this morning at 7:45 am at her sister's house and her sister said she wasn't around but she'll call me at 10 this morning. A tad strange. I'm going to push her on this issue today and this week. If she has someone else, it would be telling whether she wants to drop him like a rock or drop me.

 

WHAT??? You said that you had decided to break things off with her! So what the h*ll difference does it make if she has a bf? You have a WIFE! She may have chosen to be your concubine for the past 5 years, but that doesnt give you the right to demand her fidelity. It sounds as though your main concern is being the dumper instead of the dumpee. So let her go already!

[Realist3]

Maybe I'm forcing a break up, which is really what I want long term.

 

 

No. You are going to force a breakup by your words. Forcing her into a decision of coming back, which we all know she will do, is only setting her up for a harder fall.

 

If you care about her, let her do her thing. You don't make a break by bringing her back in.

[ThatJustHappened]

I confronted her again last night about being away from my daughter and having a boyfriend and she denied it and got upset and just said good bye, and hung up. I called her again this morning at 7:45 am at her sister's house and her sister said she wasn't around but she'll call me at 10 this morning. A tad strange. I'm going to push her on this issue today and this week. If she has someone else, it would be telling whether she wants to drop him like a rock or drop me.

 

You're going to push her to dump her boyfriend and then you're going to dump her? That's disgraceful. If you're dumping her anyway, shouldn't you be happy that she has someone else?

[MYCluciferase]

Feels like it's time to choose one life or the other - you've been living two lives simultaneously and somewhat short-changing two women (albeit I presume your girlfriend knew what your status was when she started things with you?).

 

You've been plate-spinning for some time - that must be exhausting. Why are you still trying to keep everything going?

 

I don't really have any sympathy for you, but it seems likely that you'd have more chance of keeping hold of the girlfriend if everything came out - who knows how your wife will react to things. If you think your girlfriend is still committed to you I'd confess everything to wife and go to the girlfriend.

 

Reasons? You'll get more 'credit' with her if you tell her you made the decision and chose her rather than you went to her because a situation arose that forced you to do so.

 

All of this seems rather calculating though - but I feel like that's what you've been doing all this time, calculating what gets YOU the best deal...

[CarboniteCammy]

I had a personal bet with myself that this still wouldn't be solved at 60...

 

OP- I think you have sociopathic tendencies, and I'm not saying that to be hurtful. Have you talked to your counselor about this?

 

You have absolutely no regard for the most important person in your life, your daughter, except in the sense that she's some kind of pawn you use to keep your girlfriend in check.

 

The only person whose feelings you consider are your own.

 

I'm curious about your upbringing: were your parents together? Did you suffer abuse as a little one?

 

Sometimes, people who have really traumatic childhoods end up being very damaged adults.

[spice4life]

If I didn't happen to know someone who could very easily be in your shoes, Brain, I would be totally questioning the validity of this thread.

 

Wow, just wow. You do realize that it's not right to manipulate people like this...don't you? Here is something to consider as wafle back and forth on your plans. You should speak with your therapist about why you feel the need to manipulate people instead of just facing your fears and being honest. What happened in your life that created this coping mechanism in you? Ask your therapist to help you really dig deep to find that answer. Were there any traumas in your life when you were young that could have impacted your ability to just be authentic? What caused you to handle problems indirectly as opposed to facing them head on and dealing with them right away?

 

I am saying this because I discovered in therapy, over two years ago, that I did this when I was afraid and it was a defining moment for me. I didn't do it to the magnitude you are doing, but I did it. After that I started facing issues in my life directly instead of cowering away and putting them aside to deal with later. I learned that problems don't go away...they only get bigger and more complicated. When you are finally ready to face them you have a huge mess to untangle...as you can now see in your situation.

 

The truth is, you've had your way for years now and it's time to own up and be honest with all of the people you are manipulating in this situation. It was never your right to make these decisions for them just because you were afraid of what their reaction might be. You have decided their lives for them and it's never okay to do that with anyone. To be honest, I would talk to your therapist and then just come clean with everyone and deal with the aftermath right now. I think you will find that a huge weight will be lifted and the problems will finally begin to work themselves out for everyone involved. Waiting until the birth certificate to bear your name is just another manipulation on your part. The fallout is going to be the fallout no matter if you come clean now or later. You have no control nor do you have the right to try and manipulate the outcome to suit your needs. You have not thought about anyone's elses needs this whole time and you had no right too take away their right choose for themselves what THEY want and need. Once you realize that you will see how wrong that is and then true remorse will set in.

 

I hope you finally stop trying to manipulate the outcome and just come clean. That is really your only option. You owe all three of these people a HUGE apology for manipulating them and taking their right to choose for themselves away merely because you were afraid of the consequences. Challenge yourself for once and come clean now instead of when you feel it's the right time. The outcome will be the same either way and you will still have parental rights with your daughter because the paterniy test is proof enough. If you want to be a part of her life and you're fair about it, no court will tell you no. Especially since you have been supporting her financially all along.

 

You probably will not listen, but this really is the right thing to do.

[Bittersweetie]

Maybe I'm forcing a break up, which is really what I want long term.

 

Have you discussed your passive-agressive and conflict-avoidant tendencies with your IC? Because this quote is a prime example.

[ThatJustHappened]

Maybe I'm forcing a break up, which is really what I want long term.

 

If you want to break up with her why don't you stop being such a p*ssy and do it already so she can be happy with her boyfriend? You know the kid is yours, what difference does it really make if your name is on the birth certificate? You have proof that she is yours.

[BrokenPrincess]

Brian, you have plenty of money. Why don't you just hire a PI to go up the damn mountain & find out what's going on?

 

Seems like it would be pretty easy to resolve this one tiny piece of your situation.

[awkward]

Does OW believe that you did the paternity test so you three can finally be a family? If your wife reconciles with you, what type of custody are you looking to get? Do you plan to tell the judge that you didn't go for custody before because you weren't sure she was your daughter?

[Brian1]

First of all, thanks to everyone for your responses. They've all been very insightful.

 

My greatest fear of all is to lose my wife. But once all of this comes out into the open, I truly believe that she will eventually forgive and reconcile. So, my real fear and the restriction of my actions is...losing my girlfriend. I know she loves me deeply and wants to be with me long term. Those feelings are mutual. She told me yesterday that she is not and never has been involved with another person in the 5 years we have been together. She said anytime I want to send a PI to check her, I'm welcome. I told her straight up again, that if she wants to break up with me and pursue a normal relationship she just needs to say so and I'll set her free. I even said I would continue to help her financially if she needed. But she said she wanted to stay with me forever. She even said, if necessary, she would prefer to be second fiddle with me rather than being no fiddle with me. She also said, if I want her to come down with our daughter permanently, she will do it starting next week. No problem. So, my real dilemma is, once I come clean, that I will lose my girlfriend and she will lose me. I know my daughter has to be #1 and my wife has to be #2 in my considerations, but my girlfriend also has to be considered. Our relationship wasn't just a one night stand. It is a long, enduring relationship. I know it's not right to live a double life and I know it's not fair to my wife to hide my affair and my daughter from her. I'm trying my best to force myself to do the right thing but I know for a fact that all parties will be much worse off once I come clean. At least for the short term.

[Brian1]

I had a personal bet with myself that this still wouldn't be solved at 60...

 

OP- I think you have sociopathic tendencies, and I'm not saying that to be hurtful. Have you talked to your counselor about this?

 

You have absolutely no regard for the most important person in your life, your daughter, except in the sense that she's some kind of pawn you use to keep your girlfriend in check.

 

The only person whose feelings you consider are your own.

 

I'm curious about your upbringing: were your parents together? Did you suffer abuse as a little one?

 

Sometimes, people who have really traumatic childhoods end up being very damaged adults.

 

I mentioned it once before but yes I had a excellent childhood. My parents are still happily married after 56 years. I played sports all my childhood and had a lot of normal,happy friendships. I have 3 brothers who I got along with very well all my life. My mom never worked outside the house. She was a full time, very loving and caring mother. My wife had a very different childhood. I also mentioned a little about it in other posts.

[BrokenPrincess]

It seems like you keep trying to demonize your OW (maybe to make it easier to end it?). This is second time you've written that she insisted there's no one else, but you still don't believe her. She's offered to come down the mountain, give the business to her sister, eagerly did the paternity test, happy to change the BC, and told you she'd love marry you & live happily ever after. She's refuted your concerns both verbally & with her actions so far. But you still seem suspicious of her.

 

If I were her, I would think all these recent talks, paternity, etc, were signs that you were finally coming around to leave your wife and complete our little family.

 

I think you should call her bluff and hire the PI. I'm pretty sure you still think something is going on up there?