Author Brian1 Posted February 23, 2013 Author Share Posted February 23, 2013 If I had a dime for every time a MM said that...LOL...when and if this thing blows up I would like to know how long before the next OW wanders into your life...remember, "this time it'll be different" cause she'll be "amazing and nothing like anyone you have ever known before" and "so special" Not going to happen with me. I had strong temptations to have an affair 2 years before I started this current affair. I resisted due to the tremendous guilt I had towards cheating my wife. Then this opportunity came along and I resisted for 4 months. Then I fell into the abyss and haven't yet been able to get out. Now my affair has turned into sort of a second marriage. All of the excitement of an affair is still there, because of the infrequent contact, but lately the difficulties of a marriage have begun to surface. I have had many other opportunities to enter into secondary affairs but the temptations were very weak for me and easily resistable. So, I believe I am cured from that standpoint. Also I can now see, feel and understand all of the pain an affair can and does cause, especially a long term affair. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brian1 Posted February 23, 2013 Author Share Posted February 23, 2013 Brian I wrote a new post. Its the one that says is cheating worth it. I put it under the wrong section but I want you to read it because its true and It may help you understand how bad someone can be hurt from cheating. I hope you come clean soon so their wont be any more pain caused. I personally agree 100% that cheating is not worth it. Each person who engages in an affair has some psychological shortfall that allows them to give in to the temptations of being involved with a young beautiful lady (as is my case). The cheating, hiding, secrecy, ... just adds to the excitement. But from every angle, an affair is wrong and not worth it. Link to post Share on other sites
spice4life Posted February 23, 2013 Share Posted February 23, 2013 Not going to happen with me. I had strong temptations to have an affair 2 years before I started this current affair. I resisted due to the tremendous guilt I had towards cheating my wife. Then this opportunity came along and I resisted for 4 months. Then I fell into the abyss and haven't yet been able to get out. Now my affair has turned into sort of a second marriage. All of the excitement of an affair is still there, because of the infrequent contact, but lately the difficulties of a marriage have begun to surface. I have had many other opportunities to enter into secondary affairs but the temptations were very weak for me and easily resistable. So, I believe I am cured from that standpoint. Also I can now see, feel and understand all of the pain an affair can and does cause, especially a long term affair. But in your case, Brian, until you truly "see" that you manipulate people and totally avoid conflict and understand "why" you do it, you will always be vulnerable to having an affair. From what I've been reading in your posts, you are no where near that point yet. It takes some digging into your own stuff to figure out why you do it and "see" why it is SO wrong. Until you SEE it you are not out of the woods. Period. Your most recent posts about manipulating your OW into breaking up with you is evidence of that. YOU are the problem here becaue you are a manipulator. Sorry for being harsh, but geeez...your denial is running deep. I call it as I see it and sometimes the truth stings. But hey, you need to own your shyte and work on you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Fallen Petals Posted February 23, 2013 Share Posted February 23, 2013 Not going to happen with me. I had strong temptations to have an affair 2 years before I started this current affair. I resisted due to the tremendous guilt I had towards cheating my wife. Then this opportunity came along and I resisted for 4 months. Then I fell into the abyss and haven't yet been able to get out. Now my affair has turned into sort of a second marriage. All of the excitement of an affair is still there, because of the infrequent contact, but lately the difficulties of a marriage have begun to surface. I have had many other opportunities to enter into secondary affairs but the temptations were very weak for me and easily resistable. So, I believe I am cured from that standpoint. Also I can now see, feel and understand all of the pain an affair can and does cause, especially a long term affair. I had multiple opportunities to wander in the first 8 years of my marriage. I didn't. When I finally did, I fought it for months until I did, then tattled on myself two days after having sex. That affair resulted in pain, agony, guilt, and a whole slew of personal emotions flooding through my system, not to mention my H. I swore I'd never do it again, but no longer tried to fool myself into believing I couldn't. I put up road blocks and made rules, I did what I needed to do to "affair proof" myself. See, Brian, here's the thing about the affair...it's an addiction...until you give in to it - you don't actually have an addiction, you just have a temptation. Once you give in - you're now battling an addiction. I don't believe it follows you from partner to partner, but while you're with your current W, once this fades and you go through the motions - and it could be years (it took 4yrs for me to begin to want to wander again), but the same problems crop up in the M and eventually, you're "fix" presents itself again. Not saying you can't ward it off or protect against it - not saying you're DOOMED to repeat it, but what I am saying is - trying to claim that "it'll never happen again" You're "cured" and it "can't happen again" because your "lesson is learned"....yeah that doesn't work. You're not in the minority of folks who make those claims. You're not the exception. You are the RULE. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brian1 Posted February 23, 2013 Author Share Posted February 23, 2013 Not enough 2 end it. -ol' 2long Correct. But enough to not start another. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brian1 Posted February 23, 2013 Author Share Posted February 23, 2013 But in your case, Brian, until you truly "see" that you manipulate people and totally avoid conflict and understand "why" you do it, you will always be vulnerable to having an affair. From what I've been reading in your posts, you are no where near that point yet. It takes some digging into your own stuff to figure out why you do it and "see" why it is SO wrong. Until you SEE it you are not out of the woods. Period. Your most recent posts about manipulating your OW into breaking up with you is evidence of that. YOU are the problem here becaue you are a manipulator. Sorry for being harsh, but geeez...your denial is running deep. I call it as I see it and sometimes the truth stings. But hey, you need to own your shyte and work on you. I agree with you. And my therapist also agrees with it. He has said that I structurize everything in my life and I am very rigid. He also said that I control everything in my rigid, structured life through manipulation. His comments hurt a bit, but I realized they were accurate. Now we're digging deeper to understand why and how to overcome it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brian1 Posted February 23, 2013 Author Share Posted February 23, 2013 I had multiple opportunities to wander in the first 8 years of my marriage. I didn't. When I finally did, I fought it for months until I did, then tattled on myself two days after having sex. That affair resulted in pain, agony, guilt, and a whole slew of personal emotions flooding through my system, not to mention my H. I swore I'd never do it again, but no longer tried to fool myself into believing I couldn't. I put up road blocks and made rules, I did what I needed to do to "affair proof" myself. See, Brian, here's the thing about the affair...it's an addiction...until you give in to it - you don't actually have an addiction, you just have a temptation. Once you give in - you're now battling an addiction. I don't believe it follows you from partner to partner, but while you're with your current W, once this fades and you go through the motions - and it could be years (it took 4yrs for me to begin to want to wander again), but the same problems crop up in the M and eventually, you're "fix" presents itself again. Not saying you can't ward it off or protect against it - not saying you're DOOMED to repeat it, but what I am saying is - trying to claim that "it'll never happen again" You're "cured" and it "can't happen again" because your "lesson is learned"....yeah that doesn't work. You're not in the minority of folks who make those claims. You're not the exception. You are the RULE. Ok, I hear you. I won't say I can't or won't do it again but at least right now I have no desire to ever have another affair. In my first 9 years of marriage, I never once had an urge to enter into an affair. I had attractions to other women, this is true, but never an urge to have a relationship. I believe it's best to not allow yourself to be in situations that could be tempting. I've had beautiful, young ladies around me and talk to me in somewhat flirtatious ways, even to this day, and I have to force myself to look away or get away to avoid thoughts from dancing in my head. You are exactly correct that it is an addiction. And one must make a conscious effort constantly to keep away from the temptations. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brian1 Posted February 23, 2013 Author Share Posted February 23, 2013 Very peculiar update to the reason my girlfriend has been ''up the mountain". She told me before that she had a job up there but only for a short period of time. It turns out, after I did some investigating, she was actually doing volunteer work for the Forest Service. Her commitment will end in 2 weeks. She'll be coming down permanently to be with my daughter again shortly. I'm a little surprised by her keeping me in suspicion for so long. All documents for the birth certificate change are in the hands of my lawyer and shouldn't take too much longer to complete. The third step is obviously the most important and difficult. If my daughter wasn't involved in this mess, I would certainly continue with the status quo. I realize that is selfish, ... but all affairs revolve around selfishness. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brian1 Posted February 23, 2013 Author Share Posted February 23, 2013 What do you want, an award? A Cupie doll? -ol' 2long No, not necessarily. But I have made some progress. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brian1 Posted February 23, 2013 Author Share Posted February 23, 2013 Here's what you can do now as the first step 2ward ending this affair: Come 2 know that what she does with her time is none of your business. -ol' 2long That's not the type of affair I have chosen to be involved in. Like realist3 has said in his threads...I'm driving this bus. But she is free to make her own decisions although her decisions will result in my decisions about her decisions. Every action has a reaction. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted February 23, 2013 Share Posted February 23, 2013 So - she's willing to "volunteer" over choosing to be with her daughter? I don't buy it! There's other reasons why she's up the mountain - you just haven't found them out yet... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brian1 Posted February 23, 2013 Author Share Posted February 23, 2013 So - she's willing to "volunteer" over choosing to be with her daughter? I don't buy it! There's other reasons why she's up the mountain - you just haven't found them out yet... See it like you want. But I'm not investigating any further as long as she is down here in 2 weeks. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brian1 Posted February 23, 2013 Author Share Posted February 23, 2013 So - she's willing to "volunteer" over choosing to be with her daughter? I don't buy it! There's other reasons why she's up the mountain - you just haven't found them out yet... When she first started this "volunteer work" she told me that she wanted to bring our daughter up with her for 2 months. I immediately nixed that idea. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted February 23, 2013 Share Posted February 23, 2013 When she first started this "volunteer work" she told me that she wanted to bring our daughter up with her for 2 months. I immediately nixed that idea. So - what you do know now - is that she lies. She didn't have a job - yet she said she did. She CHOSE to volunteer over spending time raising her daughter. Her priorities aren't right... Yet you seem o think you can control her with money. She proving to you that YOU can't control HER. There's something up there that's so important to her that she's willing to leave her baby AND lie to you about it! Does that sound like a woman you desire? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted February 23, 2013 Share Posted February 23, 2013 See it like you want. But I'm not investigating any further as long as she is down here in 2 weeks. Close your eyes honey...that way you won't "see" what hurts you. Link to post Share on other sites
eleanorrigby Posted February 23, 2013 Share Posted February 23, 2013 That's not the type of affair I have chosen to be involved in. Like realist3 has said in his threads...I'm driving this bus. But she is free to make her own decisions although her decisions will result in my decisions about her decisions. Every action has a reaction. Are you really? Perhaps. One day you just might realize this was never the case. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brian1 Posted February 23, 2013 Author Share Posted February 23, 2013 So - what you do know now - is that she lies. She didn't have a job - yet she said she did. Technically it isn't a job (work for pay) but it is work. She CHOSE to volunteer over spending time raising her daughter. This is correct. That's what my beef was. Her priorities aren't right... Yet you seem o think you can control her with money. I don't think I can control her with money. She has a deal with me (sort of like a job) to take care of our daughter in exchange for financial support. She proving to you that YOU can't control HER. She's trying to prove some point with her actions. But I don't know what it is. But in 2 weeks we'll see if she honors her word. As far as the conversation I had with her today goes, I believe she will. There's something up there that's so important to her that she's willing to leave her baby AND lie to you about it! Does that sound like a woman you desire? That comment you made at the end is exactly why I started this thread. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brian1 Posted February 23, 2013 Author Share Posted February 23, 2013 Are you really? Perhaps. One day you just might realize this was never the case. Maybe so, some day. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted February 23, 2013 Share Posted February 23, 2013 You have a "deal" with her that you pay and she takes care of your daughter - yet she's not in the presence of your child... Seems like your OW is driving the bus... Yet you think you are driving... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brian1 Posted February 23, 2013 Author Share Posted February 23, 2013 You have a "deal" with her that you pay and she takes care of your daughter - yet she's not in the presence of your child... Seems like your OW is driving the bus... Yet you think you are driving... Well, you are right, I lost control of the bus. But now I believe I'm back in the drivers' seat. But we'll see in 2 weeks. If I'm wrong, the bus tour will come to a screeching halt. My decision will be made a lot easier. We'll see. Link to post Share on other sites
wisernow Posted February 23, 2013 Share Posted February 23, 2013 I just keep thinking about your daughter. That poor little girl existing while all the adults in her life continue to make self serving choices. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brian1 Posted February 23, 2013 Author Share Posted February 23, 2013 You have a "deal" with her that you pay and she takes care of your daughter - yet she's not in the presence of your child... Seems like your OW is driving the bus... Yet you think you are driving... Another point. Since she's been partially away these past 2 months her support from me has been drastically cut. But she said she had to finish her contract which was for 2 months. Even though my investigation and her words seem to coincide, I'm still a little suspicious. I would really like to get the truth and the whole truth just for curiosity sakes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brian1 Posted February 23, 2013 Author Share Posted February 23, 2013 I just keep thinking about your daughter. That poor little girl existing while all the adults in her life continue to make self serving choices. Yes, you're right. The children always get stuck in the middle when the parents fight or want to divorce or ... Link to post Share on other sites
wisernow Posted February 23, 2013 Share Posted February 23, 2013 Yes, you're right. The children always get stuck in the middle when the parents fight or want to divorce or ... ...the father is marred man that got his other woman pregnant and won't let her call him daddy in public and does drive-by parenting. She was NEVER in the middle, she's been fully placed on the outside, hidden away. All by your hand. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brian1 Posted February 23, 2013 Author Share Posted February 23, 2013 Brian I wrote a new post. Its the one that says is cheating worth it. I put it under the wrong section but I want you to read it because its true and It may help you understand how bad someone can be hurt from cheating. I hope you come clean soon so their wont be any more pain caused. I just read your post. That's is terrifyingly sad. I'm sorry for that event in your life and your families. I wish her and all of you the best. I agree with you on the devastating effects of cheating. I wish I found this forum before I started my affair. Link to post Share on other sites
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