Complicated affair

[Brian1]

Are you afraid of owing what you did? Afraid of your consquences and dealing with your wife and her reaction to the news of your A and possible child that could have been yours (if it isn't yours).. denying and lying is not the way to handle this. The truth has a way of coming out - And you never know, your OW could FREAK OUT if you walk away from her, she could turn on you and tell your wife everything.

 

Don't deny. Stand up and OWN it.

 

My OW would certainly freak out and try to tell everything to my wife and anyone else, as she has already stated she would do. But with the proof that my daughter isn't mine (if that comes to play), what can my gf say that I can't deny? I again believe that there is no reason to hurt my wife unnecessarily. I know she has already been hurt unknowingly but it's different when it's factual and in your face.

[Brian1]

isn't assuming that she would never find out taking an awfully huge risk? Are you saying there's no way she'd ever find out that you set your other woman up in a business, bought her a home, employed members of her family?

 

What would your current other women do if you find out you aren't the father of this little girl and the money stops coming in? You've set it up sothat she is dependent on you...what would she do when you financial support ends?

 

This is the thing i think a lot of wayward spouses lose sight of. They think they can control what their ex affair partner does and how they react....but they can't. She may well be very hurt and angry, and decide to "out" you to your wife. Does she have any emails, letters, saved texts or phone messages that may be incriminating? It's pretty hard to believe that in five years, she'd have nothing. Are there no pictures of you with her daughter that she may decide to share? How would you explain that?

 

Seems a lot of married people assume that when they are fine with the affair being over, their former affair partner will be too...that they'll scuttle off and hide. Some do, but some have been hurt and are angry and react in unpredictable ways. A few even go too far and don't simply fade away into the past but rather take some action that you really may not like at all..

If she's got any evidence ( and just the fact that you've supported her financially for all these years is pretty strong evidence) , then you will have a pretty ahrd time simply denying that the affair ever happened...your wife may well see through your lie and she'll be hurt much more than she would be if you just told her the truth...

 

if you do find out this little girl isn't "yours", will you also kick her and her mom out of the house you bought and cut out financial support for them? That sounds pretty cruel to me....

 

Geeze, no matter what happens, this is going to be hard on that little girl...she's only three now, but it seems that this is going to affect her life for a very long time to come

( I was thinking of that last night while my daughter was "interviewing" her dad about his work for a school project. At least she has a dad she can interview...right now, your little girl has a dad who would rather hide her than proclaim to the world that he is her father...paternity test or not)

 

btw...if your girlfriend wasn't giving you the cold shoulder, would you sill be asking for a paternity test, or would you be happy just letting things go on as they are? why now, after three years, is it suddenly so important?

 

I've been asking for the paternity test for 2 years and my gf takes it as an insult and gets very upset, but she says she will do it if I want. Then I always drop it to appease her. I'm 99.99% sure my daughter is my daughter so I'm really not putting too much thought into that side. But now, after reading your post, I think I better think this whole coming clean process through a little bit better.

[Brian1]

I was talking to an old friend today and she reminded me of someone we know who found out at her husband's funeral that he had an OW and two children. In the space of a heartbeat all her, their children and family's respect, memories and history of what had been a long and in her mind, faithful and happy marriage went out the window. he had carried on an A and later a relationship with his children for over 10 years. I now hear she is claiming back the house her H had signed over to the OW as she Ihis wife) was an equal partner in their business and he bought it with a business account, even forging her signature to do so. Very, very messy and sad for everyone as he had told the XOW that his wife knew and the reason he couldn't openly acknowledge his children was because she would 'take him to the cleaners'.

 

I am reminded of your situation Brian and I hope this all gets sorted very soon, no one knows what is around the corner.

 

That's a sad story, as is mine. But my finances are 100% under my control and impeccably organized and my wife is not involved in any of my businesses or investments. She is very intelligent, but she knows nothing about money or finance. Anyway, no matter what happens, she'll always be taken care of financially.

[Brian1]

you indicate that your girlfriend doesn't want to "publicly" recognize you yet as your daughters father because her reputation would be shot?

 

Dear god that is so messed up! She's willing to put the long term mental heath of her daughter at risk to save her reputation?

 

This thread just gets sadder and sadder for that poor little girl who didn't ask for any of this.

 

I was equally disturbed by her comments on that topic. Even though my relationship is not great with my daughter (I don't see her as often as I'd like), I believe it's a lot better than it is coming across in this thread.

[woinlove]

You are a wise person and I have learned a lot from your comments. I also want to apologize for my comments about open marriage. You opened my eyes and my mind, although it's still not for me.

 

Thanks for the apology, but I don't take any comments about my lifestyle personally. Open M is hardly for anyone.

 

Still, what makes an open M work well is also what makes a closed M work well. My H and I will not pursue an outside interest if the other feels uncomfortable with it. So, it's all about open and honest communication, respect and loyalty, and if one adopts those and continually discusses one's needs, concerns, desires, dreams, attractions, feelings,... one is more likely to have a successfully monogamous M too, imo. All the discussion that has to go on in a successful open M creates a lot of intimacy and understanding, and the same happens in a closed M that discusses all this.

 

The difference I see, is that it may be easier for a closed M to continue on without great intimacy, whereas I think an open M would end for sure. During some periods, such as raising young children or a crisis situation, couple intimacy may be lessened or at least the focus is changed. During those times, my H and I closed our M. It is sad that some people choose to cheat just during such times, when demands on time may make the amount of time available for romantic couple time less. An enduring M has to be prepared for different waves, where sometimes the focus is more on one spouse or on another matter of great importance to one or both, and this is true whether it is open or closed.

Edited February 7, 2013 by woinlove

[Decorative]

There's no percentage of my spouse's affair that was good for me.

 

So perhaps you should amend your statement, Brian.

[Decorative]

My OW would certainly freak out and try to tell everything to my wife and anyone else, as she has already stated she would do. But with the proof that my daughter isn't mine (if that comes to play), what can my gf say that I can't deny? I again believe that there is no reason to hurt my wife unnecessarily. I know she has already been hurt unknowingly but it's different when it's factual and in your face.

 

Yup. It's actually better when you know.

 

Because then you realize you can trust yourself and your gut again.

 

Your wife knows something is wrong. She just doesn't know what it is.

 

And don't tell us we don't know. We do. You're the one who doesn't get it.

[Brian1]

Thanks for the apology, but I don't take any comments about my lifestyle personally. Open M is hardly for anyone.

 

Still, what makes an open M work well is also what makes a closed M work well. My H and I will not pursue an outside interest if the other feels uncomfortable with it. So, it's all about open and honest communication, respect and loyalty, and if one adopts those and continually discusses one's needs, concerns, desires, dreams, attractions, feelings,... one is more likely to have a successfully monogamous M too, imo. All the discussion that has to go on in a successful open M creates a lot of intimacy and understanding, and the same happens in a closed M that discusses all this.

 

The difference I see, is that it may be easier for a closed M to continue on without great intimacy, whereas I think an open M would end for sure. During some periods, such as raising young children or a crisis situation, couple intimacy may be lessened or at least the focus is changed. During those times, my H and I closed our M. It is sad that some people choose to cheat just during such times, when demands on time may make the amount of time available for romantic couple time less. An enduring M has to be prepared for different waves, where sometimes the focus is more on one spouse or on another matter of great importance to one or both, and this is true whether it is open or closed.

 

Those are all good points which I never even considered but they are very logical. I have to say that my interest in an affair began at exactly that point that you mentioned. The intimacy level dropped dramatically in my marriage. Most of it had to do with the extreme scheduling of our sexual activity in order to get my wife pregnant. Those days each month, which went on for several years, took a great toll on our intimacy. And it never recovered to the initial level up to this date. Still, I understand that's no excuse to engage in an affair, but it is a factor of why.

[Brian1]

OP,

it's good that you are starting to take a closer look at your affair and what the potential fallout could be.

 

I can't remember if you've said so yet or not, but have you gotten any counseling to try and sort out why you cheated, so that you won't let it happen again, whether you stay wit your wife your girlfriend or no one at all?

 

One more question. Would you say that your marriage was going well when you made the decision to start an affair?

 

I am in therapy now. It's helping a lot. My marriage was going well and still is except for the intimacy part. And of course the deception only makes the intimacy part worse and worse.

[Acheron]

I am sure if your wife knew everything, she would not be able to say her marriage is well. Most likely she would wonder how it went so horribly wrong, except for the monetary aspect, since you mention money in regards to your wife and OW often. I suppose some people think that money fixes everything, perhaps "buys" them and you can do whatever you want with their lives.

 

fyi - I know I sound like a BS, but I am actually an unknowing x-OW that was lied to for 3 years. My x-MM also thought that what I did not know could not hurt me. Any love that I had for him all these years has turned to hate since learning the truth

Edited February 7, 2013 by Acheron

[Brian1]

I am sure if your wife knew everything, she would not be able to say her marriage is well. Most likely she would wonder how it went so horribly wrong, except for the monetary aspect, since you mention money in regards to your wife and OW often. I suppose some people think that money fixes everything, perhaps "buys" them and you can do whatever you want with their lives.

 

fyi - I know I sound like a BS, but I am actually an unknowing x-OW that was lied to for 3 years. My x-MM also thought that what I did not know could not hurt me. Any love that I had for him all these years has turned to hate since learning the truth

 

I know it's painful for you and all of those who are betrayed. And I know when my wife finds out what I've been doing it will be excruciatingly painful for her. This what I have done began with innocent curiosity and now it has become an emotional nuclear time bomb. No one understands how much I wish I never got involved in this but now it has become a severe addiction that can only lead to more and more pain. If I were to continue with the status quo, then the time bomb would become more powerful. If I come clean, then many new victims will suffer from something they aren't suffering from now. And the two perpetrators lives will completely blow up also. So, coming clean and coming clean in the best way possible is the most baffling challenge I have ever faced. I believe how and when a person comes clean is very, very important. So, once I get to step #3 of my plan (and I hope I have the guts to get there soon) I have to thoroughly have thought out an excellent strategy. The things I say and the way I say them are very important. I'm attending counseling and it's helping me emotionally but the complete war plan has to be excogitated by myself. Up to this point, I haven't come up with a full-proof strategy on how to go about the Dday presentation. But I still have time.

[Brian1]

An update on my situation. I met with my daughter and my girlfriend today for about 4 hours. My daughter said to me that she misses me and when am I coming home? That statement practically knocked me on my backside and I couldn't help shedding a tear. She's the greatest thing I have in my life right now, but what a way to acquire her.

My girlfriend, shockingly, has done a 180 degree flip. Everything I asked of her today she said "absolutely, no problem". And her whole attitude and facial expressions were loving and somewhat submissive. I could not believe it. And I truly believe she was genuine. Otherwise she's the best actress I've ever seen. Yesterday I was with my wife the entire day and it was one of the best days we've had together in 6 months. (And we've had quite a few great days!) So, I know what I have to do but still I continue to think of the pain both of these women are going to have when I do it. Ohhhhhhh boy, this is difficult.

[Acheron]

"And her whole attitude and facial expressions were loving and somewhat submissive. I could not believe it. And I truly believe she was genuine." ( I don't know how to quote here - but this is from Brian1)

 

This made me very sad to read...the whole "submissive" thing. I guess that is ultimately what many MM want (not all) - to have finally beaten the OW (or wife) down so much that they become submissive and give up wanting a life of real love or happiness.

 

And so the OW finally bows her head in pain and silence, hiding her eyes so that the MM does not see the last glimmer of hope and individuality die in her soul, and she gives her life over to the misery. She finally accepts that she deserves nothing better than being 2nd or 3rd at best, whether he ever divorces or not.

[eleanorrigby]

I'm attending counseling and it's helping me emotionally but the complete war plan has to be excogitated by myself. Up to this point, I haven't come up with a full-proof strategy on how to go about the Dday presentation. But I still have time.

 

How about telling your wife at a session with your counselor?

[Acheron]

All of your plans and steps are just so cold and calculating. I also remember reading awhile ago that you have basically given yourself until the end of the year to accomplish "your plan".

 

Have you ever considered just being genuine and real to the OW and wife? Just admitting you were wrong and accepting whatever consequences? I think that if the man in my life plotted in such a cold way to get his desired results, that would actually just make me more mad. If he is asking for forgiveness or saying he wants to "fix" things then I would prefer to see the real him, flaws and all, not a calculated plan.

 

With all of your talk of counselors and planning and perfect strategy, this all seems very cold and maybe should take place in a hospital environment - so it is all nice and sterile and devoid of real emotion. Maybe the OW and Wife could be given a few xanax prior to the Intervention to dull their senses....

[ThatJustHappened]

An update on my situation. I met with my daughter and my girlfriend today for about 4 hours. My daughter said to me that she misses me and when am I coming home? That statement practically knocked me on my backside and I couldn't help shedding a tear. She's the greatest thing I have in my life right now, but what a way to acquire her.

My girlfriend, shockingly, has done a 180 degree flip. Everything I asked of her today she said "absolutely, no problem". And her whole attitude and facial expressions were loving and somewhat submissive. I could not believe it. And I truly believe she was genuine. Otherwise she's the best actress I've ever seen. Yesterday I was with my wife the entire day and it was one of the best days we've had together in 6 months. (And we've had quite a few great days!) So, I know what I have to do but still I continue to think of the pain both of these women are going to have when I do it. Ohhhhhhh boy, this is difficult.

 

You 'met with' your daughter, who you 'acquired'? That sounds so cold and heartless.

 

You're only making things worse. What's the hold up?

[Brian1]

"And her whole attitude and facial expressions were loving and somewhat submissive. I could not believe it. And I truly believe she was genuine." ( I don't know how to quote here - but this is from Brian1)

 

This made me very sad to read...the whole "submissive" thing. I guess that is ultimately what many MM want (not all) - to have finally beaten the OW (or wife) down so much that they become submissive and give up wanting a life of real love or happiness.

 

And so the OW finally bows her head in pain and silence, hiding her eyes so that the MM does not see the last glimmer of hope and individuality die in her soul, and she gives her life over to the misery. She finally accepts that she deserves nothing better than being 2nd or 3rd at best, whether he ever divorces or not.

 

Once again, I feel sorry for your pain but you are misinterpreting my statements. I don't want anyone to be submissive to me. I was just saying her attitude was like that, which surprised me.

[Brian1]

How about telling your wife at a session with your counselor?

 

That option certainly has crossed my mind of options.

[Journee]

The fact that you would deny any involvement with your OW if your little girl turns out not to be biologically yours is so cruel. You are counting on the presumption that your OW had absolutely zero proof of your long term affair. No text messages, cell phone records or any other kind of communications? No friends or family members that would be willing to cooperate and verify seeing you come around? You honestly believe that OW doesn't have her bases covered. I assure you she does. You would discard her and deny her in a heart beat. Cruel.

 

You have wasted several years of your wife's life. You are willing to waste at the least another year of her life. Yes it is a waste. She could had found a man that values her enough to be faithful and not jeopardize her health and heart because he just couldn't pass up the opportunity to boff someone else.

 

I am usually very understanding of people's involvement in A's. As I hate to see anyone in pain but you just play with women's lives as if you have that right. As long as your women stay in line and don't rock the boat you greedily lap it up.

 

I hope you can get the nerve to live an honest life. If not let these women go. Life is top short to waste on a deceitful and selfish person. Your daughter deserves to have an authentic and proud father. I hope you do the right thing for her.

 

Good luck to you

[Brian1]

You 'met with' your daughter, who you 'acquired'? That sounds so cold and heartless.

 

You're only making things worse. What's the hold up?

 

You are arguing semantics here.

[Brian1]

your statement to me was very condescending. Really? I should take it easy and relax? So I suppose next you will say that I am crazy and emotional. If you keep being mean to me, I am going to fall in love with you instead of my x-MM

 

I would be happy to have you. But seriously, my plate is overfull now. I'm sorry if what I said sounded condescending to you or if I was mean to you. That wasn't my intention. You are not crazy. Being emotional is not a bad thing. Are you emotional? I think you are very emotional over what has happened to you but I can't say you are "emotional". I don't even know what that means.

[Brian1]

If you and I were sitting across from each other and discussing this subject and you said this to me, my first inclination would be to reach across the table and slap you when you said that, but since I'm not a violent person, I would grab my purse and walk away.

 

The comment above says a lot about you.........your arrogance and your planning, your therapy obviously isn't working and your complete lack of empathy and you still want to control everything, even though it's you who created this mess......... and you still think you can get away with this. For everyone's sake, I hope you get busted.

 

I'm now glad that you feel that way. It makes me feel better. I did create my mess and now, like everything else I do in my life, I want to clean it up the best I can with as little collateral damage as possible.

[Acheron]

you are not trying to clean anything up brian.

you are trying to get your desired results with least amount of collateral damage.

you don't care about anything else...

 

honestly...as a fake internet friend to a fake internet friend...admit the truth

 

I promise I won't tell that mean LadyGrey or Tenacity...just our secret...

(love you LG and Tenacity)

[Tenacity]

I'm now glad that you feel that way. It makes me feel better. I did create my mess and now, like everything else I do in my life, I want to clean it up the best I can with as little collateral damage as possible.

 

You can't "clean it up" - this isn't some plate you broke or glass of milk that was spilled - and certainly not without a great deal of "collateral damage". You have created this mess and now you are orchestrating what you hope to be a "fool-proof" (your words from before), very cold and calculating process to get out of it.

 

I understand you don't want to cause your wife hurt, and I believe that. But the fact is, you already HAVE. Now the only thing left to do is make it right and stop lying to her and worrying about possible ways that you can cover your tracks.

 

You are not putting your daughter first. You are instead wrapped up in your relationship with OW and why she behaves cold and hot to you. Do you see that is NOT the issue - or it should not be?

 

To your credit, you have admitted that you would likely not rock the status quo if your OW again starts to behave lovingly towards you as you want. What I don't understand is how you can be cognizant enough to admit that, but somehow not connect your brain to your moral compass which should then kick in and say "whoa, no, I realize that is the wrong priority" and should then be directing you to do the best thing for the daughter and for the woman you promised to be faithful to.

[Acheron]

don't be flattered.

my attention to you is not flattering at all.

i dislike everything you stand for.

my heart aches for your wife, child and OW

you talk of your perfect strategy/solution

In my head

the perfect strategy that happens to you is that they all leave you - forever.

and you finally learn what relationships mean

and the damages you do to them with lies and deceit

I am sure they would all be fine without you

even your daughter

probably better in fact

so she does not have the horrid example in front of her always

of secrets, lies and deceit