Complicated affair

[Brian1]

don't be flattered.

my attention to you is not flattering at all.

i dislike everything you stand for.

my heart aches for your wife, child and OW

you talk of your perfect strategy/solution

In my head

the perfect strategy that happens to you is that they all leave you - forever.

and you finally learn what relationships mean

and the damages you do to them with lies and deceit

I am sure they would all be fine without you

even your daughter

probably better in fact

so she does not have the horrid example in front of her always

of secrets, lies and deceit

 

I repeat, I'm flattered.

[Acheron]

I could be wrong but my guess is this...

you are somewhat handsome

you have money in a small town.

in a big town, you would be nothing

but there, you think you are special

probably the son of a made man

you seem to think you are owed so much

so you did not work for it

sure, you are educated and work now

but...it is not the same as building a fortune

you married who you thought you should- perhaps college gf?

you had affair with lower class girl in fathers business

of course i have you in the justified tv show

coal mines

and ow is AVA and just settles for ****

she likes the money and security

then the kid messes it all up

small town, so hard to screw your wife over

maybe even dad will disapprove

 

but idk

maybe you and your mountain are in colorado and totally different story.

 

have a swig of moonshine for me brian!!

[KatZee]

Brian.......you still don't get it, you still think you can micromanage this, don't you?

 

I can't believe I've read all 31 pages of this thing.

 

But I don't think there's any point trying to get this guy to understand how self absorbed he is.

 

That's the thing about narcissists. They lack empathy. People are just pawns in their game, they are just things to use and benefit from. When there is no longer a need for them, they get tossed away.

 

(ie: if the child is not his he would walk away from a woman he's been having an affair with for 5 years with not so much as a second glance backwards.)

 

Brian doesn't grasp the concepts and the things the rest of us feel. And to continue on trying to get him to understand is just beating a dead horse at this point. The only thing he feels is how horrible and how painful HIS life is. There is no emotion or feeling for anyone else beyond that point. Again, the trait of a full blown narcissist.

 

Seems as if he's going to do whatever he's going to do, and it's going to remain in HIS comfort zone and none of us, nor his therapist is going to change that.

 

I highly doubt this guy is ever going to come clean either. There's way too much at stake for him to lose in doing so.

[wisernow]

I can't believe I've read all 31 pages of this thing.

 

But I don't think there's any point trying to get this guy to understand how self absorbed he is.

 

That's the thing about narcissists. They lack empathy. People are just pawns in their game, they are just things to use and benefit from. When there is no longer a need for them, they get tossed away.

 

(ie: if the child is not his he would walk away from a woman he's been having an affair with for 5 years with not so much as a second glance backwards.)

 

Brian doesn't grasp the concepts and the things the rest of us feel. And to continue on trying to get him to understand is just beating a dead horse at this point.

 

Seems as if he's going to do whatever he's going to do, and it's going to remain in HIS comfort zone and none of us, nor his therapist is going to change that.

 

I highly doubt this guy is ever going to come clean either. There's way too much at stake for him to lose in doing so.

 

I feel he will only "get it" when this daughter is of age, and pissed off that she was some hidden, shameful little secret. When she blows up at this supposed "father" who parented from afar while doing drive-by's to catch a glimpse of her while she played in the front yard.

 

No, the only person he truly cares about is himself. Everyone else can just get over it, while he makes decisions that affect them all, but is the easiest on himself. This is one of the saddest, pathetic stories I've read on this site.

[Tenacity]

Hey Acheron... somewhere (with all these posts, I've lost track of where) you asked the question about what is allowed here (off topic, having fun, etc.)

 

And, I am speaking as the Queen of LoveShack Infractions. My picture is probably now on the page where they discuss what happens to people who don't obey the rules.

 

Off-topic is cause for warnings and potential infractions for repeated offenses. The real issue, though, is direct "attacks" on other members. In my case, I tend to defend people who I think don't deserve attacks from other people who I don't think should belong here, but in that process I violate rules which say that anyone can post anything, even if it's negative and critical on the OM/OW board. I have tried to stick up for OW on the board who are in pain and who don't need to be attacked.

 

That said, I broke the rules and knew it.

 

If you directly attack another member, which might be a fine line between disagreement or constructive criticism, you will get an infraction and be banned from the forum for a period of time.

 

Don't ask me how I know this.

[Brian1]

Just an update on my complicated affair. For those who want to know. This Tuesday I will go with my daughter and my girlfriend to give the samples for the paternity test. I understand it takes about 5 days to get the results. So, I assume Monday, Feb. 18 the first step should be complete.

Another twist that I can add. Today I was talking to my OW on the phone for about an hour and during that conversation she mentioned something very peculiar. I was saying that I want to change the birth certificate as soon as I get the result from the paternity test. And she said, "Finally! But let's do it this way...Let's have another baby and then we'll tell everyone that we just had a relationship recently and I got pregnant. And then we decided to put your name as the father on my other daughter's birth certificate, too." I almost fainted. That was shocking to myself. Well, with that comment, all kinds of new thoughts went through my head. I'm still baffled as I write this. But anyway, I told her let's take things slowly and we can consider all possibilities. I still don't want to make any waves until step #2 is finished.

[2sunny]

Just an update on my complicated affair. For those who want to know. This Tuesday I will go with my daughter and my girlfriend to give the samples for the paternity test. I understand it takes about 5 days to get the results. So, I assume Monday, Feb. 18 the first step should be complete.

Another twist that I can add. Today I was talking to my OW on the phone for about an hour and during that conversation she mentioned something very peculiar. I was saying that I want to change the birth certificate as soon as I get the result from the paternity test. And she said, "Finally! But let's do it this way...Let's have another baby and then we'll tell everyone that we just had a relationship recently and I got pregnant. And then we decided to put your name as the father on my other daughter's birth certificate, too." I almost fainted. That was shocking to myself. Well, with that comment, all kinds of new thoughts went through my head. I'm still baffled as I write this. But anyway, I told her let's take things slowly and we can consider all possibilities. I still don't want to make any waves until step #2 is finished.

 

I wouldn't suggest growing the lies bigger.

 

Work on honesty instead.

 

Start with your W. even if the results show you're the Father - your W needs to know what you've been up to either way - so she can make a choice for herself based on the man you really are - instead of the man she thinks you've been...

[spice4life]

Just an update on my complicated affair. For those who want to know. This Tuesday I will go with my daughter and my girlfriend to give the samples for the paternity test. I understand it takes about 5 days to get the results. So, I assume Monday, Feb. 18 the first step should be complete.

Another twist that I can add. Today I was talking to my OW on the phone for about an hour and during that conversation she mentioned something very peculiar. I was saying that I want to change the birth certificate as soon as I get the result from the paternity test. And she said, "Finally! But let's do it this way...Let's have another baby and then we'll tell everyone that we just had a relationship recently and I got pregnant. And then we decided to put your name as the father on my other daughter's birth certificate, too." I almost fainted. That was shocking to myself. Well, with that comment, all kinds of new thoughts went through my head. I'm still baffled as I write this. But anyway, I told her let's take things slowly and we can consider all possibilities. I still don't want to make any waves until step #2 is finished.

 

Yikes, she really suggested that? Eye yi yi. What a mess.

[Lillyfree]

and again, that poor little girl's life is being played with once more.

 

if you're the father, will you tell her when she grows up that you're also her biological father? or will you keep lying to her?

 

i can't believe that her own mother would consider doing something like this. AND messing up another child in the process.

 

seems like that child is the biggest loser in the situation supposed 'adults' have created.

[2sunny]

You love someone that moves so seamlessly to lies and more lies?

 

You love a gal that's willing to consciously make choices that harm your W even more than she already has?

 

You have an interesting idea of what love looks like.

 

To me, that is not it.

[eleanorrigby]

And she said, "Finally! But let's do it this way...Let's have another baby and then we'll tell everyone that we just had a relationship recently and I got pregnant. And then we decided to put your name as the father on my other daughter's birth certificate, too." I almost fainted. That was shocking to myself. Well, with that comment, all kinds of new thoughts went through my head. I'm still baffled as I write this. But anyway, I told her let's take things slowly and we can consider all possibilities. I still don't want to make any waves until step #2 is finished.

 

*facepalm*

[Journee]

This update is so sad.

 

Two extremely self serving folks. Yuck

 

When the truth comes to light I hope your wife finds love and passion like she has never known......and she will.

 

I don't think you even want help in your situation just to parade your filth for the masses. I think you are proud of yourself. Truly sad.

[Brian1]

oh my god! you can't be serious...

 

she would consider and suggest bringing another child into this totally messed up situation? no offence, but what it wrong with her? she'd use a child like that just to save herself some embarrassment and having to explain a situation she thinks might make others look at her poorly?

 

I haven't heard of anything so messed up in a long time...using a child to manipulate a situation is just sick! you decide to have a child because you love the person you are with and want to share that love with a child...not to get yourself out of a jam...

 

i hate to say it, but it makes me wonder if the first time really was an "accident" and not just a way to bind you to her....

 

I think you may be right. 5 weeks ago I thought perhaps she may have found another boyfriend and partially I was hoping it was true. So I could break up with her without her having too much pain. But then over the last 5 weeks we've gotten closer and closer again. And now this bombshell. Now I believe she really wants to bind to me permanently. (Not a bad thing, but in this manner? By having another child in the relationship that we're in?) I am still sticking to my plan of changing the birth certificate, with or without her support, once I have the paternity test results. The dilemma I now have is I am worried she might pull a stunt and not show up for the sample giving process. If that happens, then I have a completely new, much bigger problem on my hand.

[Brian1]

This update is so sad.

 

Two extremely self serving folks. Yuck

 

When the truth comes to light I hope your wife finds love and passion like she has never known......and she will.

 

I don't think you even want help in your situation just to parade your filth for the masses. I think you are proud of yourself. Truly sad.

 

This is truly sad. As I look at my situation from afar, totally objectively, I now see how selfish and self serving my gf and I are. I too hope my wife someday finds true love, whether it's with a rehabilitated me or with someone else. I am not proud of myself, regarding this mess.

[Brian1]

You love someone that moves so seamlessly to lies and more lies?

 

You love a gal that's willing to consciously make choices that harm your W even more than she already has?

 

You have an interesting idea of what love looks like.

 

To me, that is not it.

 

I'm not sure if she wants to have another baby solely for explaining the affair to her family or if she wants to lock me in for a longer period of time. If she tells her family that we've been having an affair for 5 years and I'm the father of her daughter, she might be extremely fearful of their reaction.

[Survivor12]

Let's get this straight...what she is proposing is to conceive a child for the express purpose of being used as a beard to cover up her--and your--lies and deception, meanwhile denying your daughter the right to know the identity of her father...sentencing her to living her life as the bastard half-sister. (Mind you, even if you were to tell your daughter the truth, she would still be required to live that role.)

 

Are you freaking kidding me??? This is a woman that you have been in a relationship with for 5 years??? The woman you have betrayed your wife for??? The woman you would consider marrying???

 

And you claim to love your daughter??? The fact that you didn't stand up for her the moment those words came out of her mother's mouth proves that you have no real parental attachment to her. If you did, you would be sickened and furious at the thought of such emotional abuse being inflicted on your daughter as well as at the idea of conceiving a child for the purpose of being used as a pawn. There would be no time to be "having new thoughts"--anger and disgust would have been overwhelming and immediate. Your ONLY thought would have been how to protect your daughter from the monster she calls Mama.

 

But NO, your concern isn't about the well-being of innocent children--it's about whether or not YOU are being manipulated--proving that you are just as self-serving and vile as your gf.

 

I feel nauseous.

[Brian1]

warning...this will sound really harsh towards her, but i can't help it...

 

if she is paling on pulling stunt like that just to appease her parents, then she shouldn't even think of having an more children until she grows up herself. I get that's he is nervous of her family's reaction, but come off of it...when you're a parent, you put your children's needs ahead of your own and you stop childish stuff like his...I'd say the same if it was wife who thought her husband was unfaithful so she purposely got pregnant to tie him to her...it's creating another human life to achieve your own selfish ends, and no amount of "explanation" can make that okay...

 

if she doesn't show up for the paternity test, I'd be really questioning her motives...if you are the dad, wouldn't it be best for your daughter to prove that as quickly as possible so that you can move forward? Using your daughter to manipulate the situation is disgusting....

 

I concur. My girlfriend believes this: Her #1 fear is of my wife. And her #2 fear is of her father (a serial cheater). But she is capable of dealing with both, although she doesn't want to. And she thinks that if my wife finds out everything about our affair and our daughter that my wife will set her sights on my girlfriend. My wife will go directly to my girlfriends' parents and discuss every discrepancy that my girlfriend has done.

But I don't think that is what my wife would do. I think my wife would be more concerned with her own reputation if all of this came out. She wouldn't want anyone, or at least not everyone, to know that her husband did that to her. I can understand that.

The other peculiarity is, why would my girlfriend tell me 5 weeks ago, when I told her I never wanted to see her again (due to extreme anger, but not actually what I wanted), that she was going to tell everyone, including my wife, of our doings? She seems to be talking out of both sides of her mouth. Once again, I don't understand where my girlfriends' mind is on all of this, what her motives are and what she really wants to do for herself long term. Also, I don't know if I can even trust her anymore.

I wish I knew what was going on in the mind of my girlfriend. What she thinks of what I am doing with the paternity test and the changing of the birth certificate. When she talks to me, she doesn't seem to have a problem with it. But I must think she's wondering what my motives are.

Anyway, I'm still moving forward with my plan and we'll see how my girlfriend actually reacts as the events come closer and closer.

[Brian1]

Let's get this straight...what she is proposing is to conceive a child for the express purpose of being used as a beard to cover up her--and your--lies and deception, meanwhile denying your daughter the right to know the identity of her father...sentencing her to living her life as the bastard half-sister. (Mind you, even if you were to tell your daughter the truth, she would still be required to live that role.)

 

Are you freaking kidding me??? This is a woman that you have been in a relationship with for 5 years??? The woman you have betrayed your wife for??? The woman you would consider marrying???

 

And you claim to love your daughter??? The fact that you didn't stand up for her the moment those words came out of her mother's mouth proves that you have no real parental attachment to her. If you did, you would be sickened and furious at the thought of such emotional abuse being inflicted on your daughter as well as at the idea of conceiving a child for the purpose of being used as a pawn. There would be no time to be "having new thoughts"--anger and disgust would have been overwhelming and immediate. Your ONLY thought would have been how to protect your daughter from the monster she calls Mama.

 

But NO, your concern isn't about the well-being of innocent children--it's about whether or not YOU are being manipulated--proving that you are just as self-serving and vile as your gf.

 

I feel nauseous.

 

You are correct. If we went through with that scheme, which we're not going to, everyone would still not think that I'm the biological father of my daughter. They'd be led to believe I was just accepting her as my daughter to have the two children connected to the same father. That is completely unacceptable for me. I'm still following the original plan; paternity test, birth certificate and then telling my wife of my daughter. I'm just really uncertain how my girlfriend will react during this process. If she is going to throw a road block in somewhere?

[2sunny]

Your OW has shown her true morals - or lack of rather. And you were excited with that thought/plan.

 

You two deserve each other.

 

Divorce your wife. She deserves a man with integrity...not a man that schemes and plots behind her back then pays a woman off to hide and cover up having a child while plotting to have another child and possibly marrying the OW.

[2sunny]

I'm not sure if she wants to have another baby solely for explaining the affair to her family or if she wants to lock me in for a longer period of time. If she tells her family that we've been having an affair for 5 years and I'm the father of her daughter, she might be extremely fearful of their reaction.

 

It's still plans to lie further!

 

And she may be having sex with someone else and needs YOU to believe your the father again - because she may wonder now if she's gotten pregnant by another man - again...

 

You can't trust her = because she's proven that she lies.

[Brian1]

Your OW has shown her true morals - or lack of rather. And you were excited with that thought/plan.

 

You two deserve each other.

 

Divorce your wife. She deserves a man with integrity...not a man that schemes and plots behind her back then pays a woman off to hide and cover up having a child while plotting to have another child and possibly marrying the OW.

 

I wasn't excited about her comments. I was disturbed and baffled. My first thought was, oh no, she's going to make it difficult for me to go through with the first 2 steps of my plan.

But you may be right. Maybe my girlfriend and I deserve each other and my wife deserves a man with more integrity. But then again, almost all husbands we know (and single men, much more so) are either heavy drinkers (aka abusers), womanizers, losers (can't support a family) or just unstable men in general. I'm sure there are still a few good men around (maybe 1 out of 10,000) but most of them are already married (happily? who knows).

[2sunny]

I wasn't excited about her comments. I was disturbed and baffled. My first thought was, oh no, she's going to make it difficult for me to go through with the first 2 steps of my plan.

But you may be right. Maybe my girlfriend and I deserve each other and my wife deserves a man with more integrity. But then again, almost all husbands we know (and single men, much more so) are either heavy drinkers (aka abusers), womanizers, losers (can't support a family) or just unstable men in general. I'm sure there are still a few good men around (maybe 1 out of 10,000) but most of them are already married (happily? who knows).

 

That does not justify YOUR actions.

[Brian1]

honestly, what the h@ll can she do? Refuse a paternity test? refuse to have your name on the birth certificate? if she does, you may need legal help, but it can be accomplished if you want it enough.

 

Seems more like she's afraid of what her mommy and daddy with think, and she's also afraid the gravy train could stop rolling....

 

I agree. I can still accomplish my objectives but with much, much more difficulty.

[veryhappy]

Your OW still has dreams of you being a family. Quite normal for her age and situation. Who knows what you've told her in the ear during these years?

 

I don't see her level of trying to play you above your level of manipulation. At least she's upfront and doesn't keep her action list secret like you. The two of you are in a way a good match.

 

You'll have to let this woman down slowly that you don't want to be with her, because angry women tell the wives and you don't want that.

[Brian1]

Your OW still has dreams of you being a family. Quite normal for her age and situation. Who knows what you've told her in the ear during these years?

 

I don't see her level of trying to play you above your level of manipulation. At least she's upfront and doesn't keep her action list secret like you. The two of you are in a way a good match.

 

You'll have to let this woman down slowly that you don't want to be with her, because angry women tell the wives and you don't want that.

 

I believe you are quite right. I admit we've talked about having another baby in the past, but never seriously. I've always said, if we do, then it will be after our daughter is at least 5 years old.

 

I don't really care if she tells my wife, if that's what she wants to do, but I prefer to tell my wife personally and only after I fix the birth certificate.

 

Also, my girlfriend told me a week ago that the main reason she goes up the mountain so frequently recently is because she has a very hard time seeing me with my wife. And she also says she feels very uncomfortable seeing another young girl (who's been working for me for 1 year) around me and my business. It's hard to say if she's telling the truth about that.