Realist3 Posted February 12, 2013 Share Posted February 12, 2013 Well anyway, tomorrow is a big day for me and I hope there are no dramatic events. My girlfriend, who I still love and care about (contrary to popular belief) told me about two hours ago she is also excited about doing the test. We'll see tomorrow. Best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brian1 Posted February 12, 2013 Author Share Posted February 12, 2013 Again, wrong. I've never been in a situation (experience) even remotely close to the life you've crafted. I do however, love and advocate for children and I have great empathy for the people who are lied and cheated on. I would like to have some empathy for you, but all you seem to talk about is YOU, and ways to make your life okay, everyone else, be damned. That is definitely not true. No matter how you want to spin it, I do care a lot about everyone involved in my mess. And I will not abandon either of the women and especially not my daughter for my own personal gains. All three will remain in my life in some way or another, maybe just a memory if they choose that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brian1 Posted February 12, 2013 Author Share Posted February 12, 2013 Best of luck. Thanks realist3, I appreciate it. Link to post Share on other sites
Sarabi Posted February 12, 2013 Share Posted February 12, 2013 Well anyway, tomorrow is a big day for me and I hope there are no dramatic events. My girlfriend, who I still love and care about (contrary to popular belief) told me about two hours ago she is also excited about doing the test. We'll see tomorrow. Your situation is certainly complex...but good luck from me too for tomorrow Link to post Share on other sites
ThatJustHappened Posted February 12, 2013 Share Posted February 12, 2013 If that's where your career lies, wisernow, I sure wouldn't want to be your client. Your opinions are purely emotion driven. Most likely from your own personal experiences. So anyone who inserts any emotion into any situation is a fool? You're handling this whole situation as if it's a business transaction and not a highly emotional thing. Your posts are ice cold and calculated. You sound like you don't care one bit about anyone or anything involved but that you're just trying to make acquisitions (your wife and your daughter) and sweep the whole emotional mess under the rug. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
wisernow Posted February 12, 2013 Share Posted February 12, 2013 That is definitely not true. No matter how you want to spin it, I do care a lot about everyone involved in my mess. And I will not abandon either of the women and especially not my daughter for my own personal gains. All three will remain in my life in some way or another, maybe just a memory if they choose that. Brian, I don't "spin", no, my words here are in direct response to the story you've "spun". I don't need to spin anything, I'm only responding to the situation as you've laid it out. If I, or others have misunderstood, then clear it up. We can only respond to your words, your story. If you don't want advice, then why are you here? If you just want people to say, "oh, poor Brian, you poor, poor man, You've been a wonderful father and husband, you are likely in the wrong place. Geez...SMH. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted February 12, 2013 Share Posted February 12, 2013 So anyone who inserts any emotion into any situation is a fool? You're handling this whole situation as if it's a business transaction and not a highly emotional thing. Your posts are ice cold and calculated. You sound like you don't care one bit about anyone or anything involved but that you're just trying to make acquisitions (your wife and your daughter) and sweep the whole emotional mess under the rug. I don't think he was saying that at all. He was responding to wisernow's emotionally charged assertion of how a judge would view his situation. Judges don't rule on emotion. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted February 12, 2013 Share Posted February 12, 2013 I don't think he was saying that at all. He was responding to wisernow's emotionally charged assertion of how a judge would view his situation. Judges don't rule on emotion. Judges here tend to rule in the best interest of the child. Stability and consistency come into play - emotional well being is considered too. Taking a bio Mom out of her life isn't likely - no matter how much money you have. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
wisernow Posted February 12, 2013 Share Posted February 12, 2013 (edited) I don't think he was saying that at all. He was responding to wisernow's emotionally charged assertion of how a judge would view his situation. Judges don't rule on emotion. On this we can agree. They do not judge on emotion. Nope, they judge on fact, and the facts as Brian has presented them, were what I was writing about. Nothing more, nothing less. So, what's your point? "Emotionally charged assertion", Indeed. Edited February 12, 2013 by wisernow Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted February 12, 2013 Share Posted February 12, 2013 Judges here tend to rule in the best interest of the child. Stability and consistency come into play - emotional well being is considered too. Taking a bio Mom out of her life isn't likely - no matter how much money you have. Of course they do. I don't see him going to court. BUT, he may. Where I think he might be making a mistake is building up the mother with this talk of them being in a real husband/wife relationship, which is all predicated on his wife's decision. She's going to be angry if he decides to stay with his wife and she might try and fight him. Link to post Share on other sites
wisernow Posted February 12, 2013 Share Posted February 12, 2013 (edited) Of course they do. I don't see him going to court. BUT, he may. Where I think he might be making a mistake is building up the mother with this talk of them being in a real husband/wife relationship, which is all predicated on his wife's decision. She's going to be angry if he decides to stay with his wife and she might try and fight him. yep. You are spot on, Realist. All I was trying to do was to get him to understand what he could be potentially be facing if he chose his path of trying to gain some sort of custody, given his path thus far. Edited February 12, 2013 by wisernow Link to post Share on other sites
ThatJustHappened Posted February 12, 2013 Share Posted February 12, 2013 I don't think he was saying that at all. He was responding to wisernow's emotionally charged assertion of how a judge would view his situation. Judges don't rule on emotion. I am referring to the entire thread, that post was just the catalyst for my post. Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted February 12, 2013 Share Posted February 12, 2013 BUT, he may. Where I think he might be making a mistake is building up the mother with this talk of them being in a real husband/wife relationship, which is all predicated on his wife's decision. She's going to be angry if he decides to stay with his wife and she might try and fight him. Exactly. With his OW there is talk of having another child, but with us here on this anonymous board, there is talk of him and his wife raising his daughter. His dishonesty with his OW may come back to get him. As might his dishonesty with his wife, his daughter and others. But, mostly, it is his OW, wife, and daughter who suffer from his choice to deceive. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brian1 Posted February 12, 2013 Author Share Posted February 12, 2013 Brian, if this little girl is yours, and if you decide you want to try and to stay with your wife ( or even if you don't) may i make a couple of suggestions... (a) ask your wife to go with you to a session with your therapist 9 if this is acceptable with your therapist) and tell your wife there about what has been going on. It's going to hit her like a ton of bricks and she will need the extra support (b) recognize that you will be the one who has hurt her, and she likely may not feel that she is able to depend on your for support through this...she's likely going to need family, friend, counseling support © give her time to grieve before you even think of introducing your daughter to her. She;s going to need it, and it's not fair to your daughter to insert her into this situation until it's calmed down. your wife may well be hurt, angry, etc., and she'll need time to address that (d) if you are going to try and reconcile, she is going to need you 100%. you are going to have to show her you can be trusted, that she can depend on you, etc. You can't do that if you are spending time consoling your other woman. (e) introduce your daughter to her when both are ready at a slow pace. give them time to get to know one another. family counseling for the three of you would be a great idea...don't push it (f) break up with your other woman properly, and let your wife see copies of the goodbye letter, email, etc. (g) don't try and take the easy way out and break up with your other woman via text ( or worse, just disappear)that's not fair to her at all,and it's very cruel. (h) get some mediation and family counseling for your other woman, yourself and your daughter. you both will need to be adults about the situation and put the welfare of the little girl first. don't let it degenerate into a power struggle or p@ssing contest ( excuse my language) (i) you may find that your wife has been too wounded by all this to reconcile. if that's the case, let her go, and make it as easy on her as possible (j) one final thing to remember...the way you treat your wife and your other woman is going to teach your daughter about how you feel women deserve to be treated...kids at that age are like a sponge...they soak up everything, good or bad Now that's some good, honest professional advice. Thanks frozensprouts. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brian1 Posted February 12, 2013 Author Share Posted February 12, 2013 Exactly. With his OW there is talk of having another child, but with us here on this anonymous board, there is talk of him and his wife raising his daughter. His dishonesty with his OW may come back to get him. As might his dishonesty with his wife, his daughter and others. But, mostly, it is his OW, wife, and daughter who suffer from his choice to deceive. I agree with you. I believe by bouncing all over I have, perhaps, misled or confused my actual situation. Sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brian1 Posted February 12, 2013 Author Share Posted February 12, 2013 was today the day for your paternity test? how did it go? Today was the day for my paternity test. Everything went fantastic. Everyone arrived on time, with happy faces and fully cooperative. My daughter had a great day and after the sample giving process we all went to eat hamburgers and drink milkshakes. Afterwards we went to the park. It felt like we were one big, happy family. But like everyone knows on this forum and I know in my mind, the big, happy family is fractured and splintered. I wish I could have two lives. Boy this is a tough one. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted February 13, 2013 Share Posted February 13, 2013 You are sounding more selfish and self centered as this thread moves along. Please - tell your W - she deserves to know who she's REALLY married to. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brian1 Posted February 13, 2013 Author Share Posted February 13, 2013 You are sounding more selfish and self centered as this thread moves along. Please - tell your W - she deserves to know who she's REALLY married to. You think so? I agree partially. My therapist told me on Monday that I am a person who likes to build security barriers around everything I have or do. He said I fiercely protect everything in my life. Also he mentioned that I am somewhat paranoically afraid of losing anything that I consider mine. I'm still reflecting on what he said and trying to understand it more deeply. Link to post Share on other sites
Tenacity Posted February 13, 2013 Share Posted February 13, 2013 You think so? I agree partially. My therapist told me on Monday that I am a person who likes to build security barriers around everything I have or do. He said I fiercely protect everything in my life. Also he mentioned that I am somewhat paranoically afraid of losing anything that I consider mine. I'm still reflecting on what he said and trying to understand it more deeply. I should have become a therapist instead of a physician. Then I could have said whatever I wanted and everyone would believe it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Tenacity Posted February 13, 2013 Share Posted February 13, 2013 You think so? I agree partially. My therapist told me on Monday that I am a person who likes to build security barriers around everything I have or do. He said I fiercely protect everything in my life. Also he mentioned that I am somewhat paranoically afraid of losing anything that I consider mine. I'm still reflecting on what he said and trying to understand it more deeply. I think you should fire your therapist, and then I think you should take the action that everyone in the first two pages of this ENDLESS thread told you - which is to Man Up, and tell your wife what an ass*ole she has been married to, and then do What.Is.Best.For.Your.Daughter. Honestly, in my opinion, no one who is a good parent should have to ask advice about what is best for their child, they should just know it. You have endless pages of people telling you this, you even admit it, yet you ignore it all and keep on, because what YOU are most interested in is having your OW. NOT your daughter or your Wife. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Survivor12 Posted February 13, 2013 Share Posted February 13, 2013 You think so? I agree partially. My therapist told me on Monday that I am a person who likes to build security barriers around everything I have or do. He said I fiercely protect everything in my life. Also he mentioned that I am somewhat paranoically afraid of losing anything that I consider mine. I'm still reflecting on what he said and trying to understand it more deeply. Not hard to understand at all. He told you, albeit delicately, that you are a selfish control freak...the same thing people here have been saying since Day One. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
ThatJustHappened Posted February 13, 2013 Share Posted February 13, 2013 You think so? I agree partially. My therapist told me on Monday that I am a person who likes to build security barriers around everything I have or do. He said I fiercely protect everything in my life. Also he mentioned that I am somewhat paranoically afraid of losing anything that I consider mine. I'm still reflecting on what he said and trying to understand it more deeply. People don't belong to other people. Your wife is not 'yours'. Your child's mother is not 'yours'. You don't own these women but right now you're acting like you do. You owe your wife the truth about your affair, and you owe your child's mother the truth about your ambivalence about a life with her. That's how you break down the security barriers and relinquish some of your tightly wound control over the situation. That's how you make it fair for them. And like Survivor12 says..it's really not that difficult to understand. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brian1 Posted February 13, 2013 Author Share Posted February 13, 2013 I'd say you're just fiercely protecting yourself from the consequences of your actions in all directions. It's not a nice trait and it will take a lot of work to change. Of course OW was happy, she's about to tie you to her life forever. Of corse your daughter is happy, she believes what she's told. They are not one big happy family. They, and you, are all living a great big lie. It's like going to the asylum and seeing the patients are all drugged and saying they are happy. You have some very interesting insights. And I don't exactly disagree with you. Thanks for those insights. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brian1 Posted February 13, 2013 Author Share Posted February 13, 2013 I should have become a therapist instead of a physician. Then I could have said whatever I wanted and everyone would believe it. I think most doctors, lawyers and mechanics do exactly that. They have a great deal of power over their clients/patients. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brian1 Posted February 13, 2013 Author Share Posted February 13, 2013 I think you should fire your therapist, and then I think you should take the action that everyone in the first two pages of this ENDLESS thread told you - which is to Man Up, and tell your wife what an ass*ole she has been married to, and then do What.Is.Best.For.Your.Daughter. Honestly, in my opinion, no one who is a good parent should have to ask advice about what is best for their child, they should just know it. You have endless pages of people telling you this, you even admit it, yet you ignore it all and keep on, because what YOU are most interested in is having your OW. NOT your daughter or your Wife. The truth is, my therapist has told me the same thing as most on this forum have said...which is to Man Up, and tell your wife what an ass*ole she has been married to, and then do What.Is.Best.For.Your.Daughter. Your last sentence isn't completely true, but partially. And I need to get over it (having her). Link to post Share on other sites
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