Complicated affair

[Brian1]

I think you should fire your therapist, and then I think you should take the action that everyone in the first two pages of this ENDLESS thread told you - which is to Man Up, and tell your wife what an ass*ole she has been married to, and then do What.Is.Best.For.Your.Daughter.

 

Honestly, in my opinion, no one who is a good parent should have to ask advice about what is best for their child, they should just know it. You have endless pages of people telling you this, you even admit it, yet you ignore it all and keep on, because what YOU are most interested in is having your OW. NOT your daughter or your Wife.

 

Not hard to understand at all. He told you, albeit delicately, that you are a selfish control freak...the same thing people here have been saying since Day One.

 

That was my translation also, unfortunately.

[ThatJustHappened]

That was my translation also, unfortunately.

 

And? What are you doing about it?

[ThatJustHappened]

He can make a decision or a decision will be made for him.

 

Isn't that the typical ending?

 

He has to give out more information before any decisions can be made by anyone.

[mellow_yellow]

I think most doctors, lawyers and mechanics do exactly that. They have a great deal of power over their clients/patients.

 

They do have a lot of power, but to quote something out of Spiderman:

 

With great power comes great responsibility.

 

Physicians and lawyers have an ethical and professional code they abide by. The ones that don't lose their license. So no, they can't just do whatever they want, and their power is regulated to protect patients/clients.

 

I don't know about mechanics, but it would imagine they can't do what the heck they like either...they also have professional standards to keep to.

[scatterd]

Yes when are you getting your results? Do you still plan on waiting untill the test come back to tell your wife?

[jwi71]

Yes when are you getting your results? Do you still plan on waiting untill the test come back to tell your wife?

 

Maybe its just me...but I get the sense that IF its not his - his W never finds out and he dons the victim hat - and the GF and the little girl fade away.

 

I would further bet that IF it comes back his...nothing changes and he dons the "noble yet tragically bound" hat to stay M, keep his potentially cheating GF and continue his merry way - you know, so no one but him "hurts".

 

Do recall that 40 odd pages ago he came asking if it was ok to issue an ultimatum that his GF stop "cheating on him" - or "else".

 

My how things have changed in a few scant days.

[seren]

Brian, if the paternity test comes back that your daughter is in fact not your daughter, what will you do? I hope it doesn't as it would be hugely cruel for her to suddenly stop seeing you. I also wonder at how long this can continue the way it is without damaging the little girl. The whole set up is just teetering on the point of collapse, that there are people who will be hurt makes it all the more screwed up as you can prevent it being worse than it is, simply by being honest.

 

I find the controlling nature of it very manipulative, I am sure this isn't a trait you would hold as being a good thing. I've worked in children's social work and the damage parent's do to their children emotionally leaves as deep a scar as any physical damage. Please stop fannying about and put this right.

[2sunny]

Tell your wife - she deserves to know what you're up to behind her back!

 

And stop calling the gal your GF - she's your OW!!!

 

I hope all these OW and betrayed spouses are paying attention here - to just how selfish, self centered and deceitful MM who cheat can be.

 

They are never the man they portray themselves to be.

 

Go find who you really are by being on your own for a few years.

[Brian1]

When will you get your results? I'm glad it was a smooth process.

 

The paternity test results should be available on Monday, Feb. 18. I am also glad it went smoothly.

[2sunny]

You think so? I agree partially. My therapist told me on Monday that I am a person who likes to build security barriers around everything I have or do. He said I fiercely protect everything in my life. Also he mentioned that I am somewhat paranoically afraid of losing anything that I consider mine. I'm still reflecting on what he said and trying to understand it more deeply.

 

Interesting that you chose a male counselor.

 

He may want to throw your tendency of entitlement and being greedy into the description too...

[Brian1]

Maybe its just me...but I get the sense that IF its not his - his W never finds out and he dons the victim hat - and the GF and the little girl fade away.

 

I would further bet that IF it comes back his...nothing changes and he dons the "noble yet tragically bound" hat to stay M, keep his potentially cheating GF and continue his merry way - you know, so no one but him "hurts".

 

Do recall that 40 odd pages ago he came asking if it was ok to issue an ultimatum that his GF stop "cheating on him" - or "else".

 

My how things have changed in a few scant days.

 

My girlfriends' attitude has dramatically changed in the last 3 weeks from what it was about 6 weeks ago. If I was objectively reading my entire thread but from a different OP, I would have come up with the exact same conclusion that you just came up with. But I hope that second conclusion of yours doesn't come into fruition for the sake of all involved.

[Brian1]

Brian, if the paternity test comes back that your daughter is in fact not your daughter, what will you do? I hope it doesn't as it would be hugely cruel for her to suddenly stop seeing you. I also wonder at how long this can continue the way it is without damaging the little girl. The whole set up is just teetering on the point of collapse, that there are people who will be hurt makes it all the more screwed up as you can prevent it being worse than it is, simply by being honest.

 

I find the controlling nature of it very manipulative, I am sure this isn't a trait you would hold as being a good thing. I've worked in children's social work and the damage parent's do to their children emotionally leaves as deep a scar as any physical damage. Please stop fannying about and put this right.

 

I think if the paternity test comes back negative, then my girlfriend and her daughter and I would have to go our separate ways and they can keep everything they received up to now. But that scenario is highly unlikely. Somehow, once I get the birth certificate changed, I will need to come clean with my wife about my daughter. My wife will make her decision (to divorce or reconcile) and if she wants to divorce, I'll ask my girlfriend if she wants to get married. If my wife is willing to reconcile, then I will have to tell my girlfriend that I will take care of her and our daughter fully until she finds someone new. That's about the only way I can figure cleaning this up. But there's still time to look at other options.

[Brian1]

No. She's his girlfriend. She's stayed with him for 5 years, they have a child together and he's financially contributing to their household. Sounds like more of a girlfriend/boyfriend realtionship that many "single" couples share.

 

That's the way I see it too.

[spice4life]

I think if the paternity test comes back negative, then my girlfriend and her daughter and I would have to go our separate ways and they can keep everything they received up to now. But that scenario is highly unlikely. Somehow, once I get the birth certificate changed, I will need to come clean with my wife about my daughter. My wife will make her decision (to divorce or reconcile) and if she wants to divorce, I'll ask my girlfriend if she wants to get married. If my wife is willing to reconcile, then I will have to tell my girlfriend that I will take care of her and our daughter fully until she finds someone new. That's about the only way I can figure cleaning this up. But there's still time to look at other options.

 

Yeah, if she is your daughter then your only true option if you reconcile with your wife is to support her until she is an adult and begins living life on her own. You can't just drop her when the GF finds someone new; she is YOUR responsibility as a father. I'm beginning to wonder if you have any integrity at all. You're willing to sluff off your responsibility to your own flesh and blood?! That means all of your efforts to conceive with your wife are a total joke too. Wow...just wow. You have absolutely no clue what so ever about what it truly means to be a father. You should do everyone a favor and bow out of their lives period.

 

I hope this whole thread is a fake sorry excuse for a role play. Yuck.

[seren]

Brian, it sounds like once the paternity test comes back and if it is positive, then you will leave the decision to stay or go up to your wife. This, to me at least, is very telling and suggests that you really want to be with your wife, which is sort of at odds with you feeling that the OW is your girlfriend, it sounds like she would be your fallback choice, which is doing her a diservice as surely she too needs to be told that your being with her is only going to happen if your wife doesn't want you. Will you tell her that before asking her to marry you? it doesn't seem like a very good start to a marriage (nor is an A as an ending to one).

 

Your actions appear to be all centred around what works best for you and on the other hand, you have two women who love you and a little girl who sees you as her Dad - what about their feelings and choices? I wonder if you have ever tried empathy and putting yourself in their shoes, just for a moment and imagined how it might feel to be either of them. At least one of them will be extremely hurt by your actions, I wonder if you already have an idea of how your wife will react and are you prepared to go NC with the OW and take the steps needed to reconcile.

It's no easy option and takes remorse, which I don't see in any of your posts. I don't think you are being fair to either women or realise just how messy it will be either way. I hope your daughter is your daughter and in amongst all the chaos, that everyone puts her wellbeing first, if she isn't, that the breaking off contact with you is also handled sensitively. I so wish you would be honest with them both and realise that everyone should have the right to the truth about their life - informed choice should be for everyone. I hope this all turns out the way it should, that both are told the truth regardless, but I fear that unless it suits you, then it won't.

[2sunny]

No. She's his girlfriend. She's stayed with him for 5 years, they have a child together and he's financially contributing to their household. Sounds like more of a girlfriend/boyfriend realtionship that many "single" couples share.

 

She's still his OW - as he's married.

 

It's just that he's pimped her out enough to produce a child (maybe his - maybe not). Either way - he's bought her off under the pretense of having his child.

 

She's a kept woman.

 

Faithful kept woman? Maybe not...

[Brian1]

Yeah, if she is your daughter then your only true option if you reconcile with your wife is to support her until she is an adult and begins living life on her own. You can't just drop her when the GF finds someone new; she is YOUR responsibility as a father. I'm beginning to wonder if you have any integrity at all. You're willing to sluff off your responsibility to your own flesh and blood?! That means all of your efforts to conceive with your wife are a total joke too. Wow...just wow. You have absolutely no clue what so ever about what it truly means to be a father. You should do everyone a favor and bow out of their lives period.

 

I hope this whole thread is a fake sorry excuse for a role play. Yuck.

 

If my daughter is my daughter, then I will take care of her for her entire life. I was referring to my girlfriend. I'll take care of my girlfriend until she finds someone new (hopefully soon...just kidding). Try to keep things in context.

[Brian1]

Brian, it sounds like once the paternity test comes back and if it is positive, then you will leave the decision to stay or go up to your wife. This, to me at least, is very telling and suggests that you really want to be with your wife, which is sort of at odds with you feeling that the OW is your girlfriend, it sounds like she would be your fallback choice, which is doing her a diservice as surely she too needs to be told that your being with her is only going to happen if your wife doesn't want you. Will you tell her that before asking her to marry you? it doesn't seem like a very good start to a marriage (nor is an A as an ending to one).

 

Your actions appear to be all centred around what works best for you and on the other hand, you have two women who love you and a little girl who sees you as her Dad - what about their feelings and choices? I wonder if you have ever tried empathy and putting yourself in their shoes, just for a moment and imagined how it might feel to be either of them. At least one of them will be extremely hurt by your actions, I wonder if you already have an idea of how your wife will react and are you prepared to go NC with the OW and take the steps needed to reconcile.

It's no easy option and takes remorse, which I don't see in any of your posts. I don't think you are being fair to either women or realise just how messy it will be either way. I hope your daughter is your daughter and in amongst all the chaos, that everyone puts her wellbeing first, if she isn't, that the breaking off contact with you is also handled sensitively. I so wish you would be honest with them both and realise that everyone should have the right to the truth about their life - informed choice should be for everyone. I hope this all turns out the way it should, that both are told the truth regardless, but I fear that unless it suits you, then it won't.

 

This is where the big dilemma is. Let's assume that I get the birth certificate changed. Now what do you suggest? #1- Don't say anything to my gf and come clean with my wife about the affair and my daughter. My wife goes ballistic but decides she wants to reconcile and be a step mom to my daughter. (Most likely part time visitations) That's obviously not fair to my gf, putting her as a backup only. #2- Tell my gf that I want to marry her after I come clean with my wife and I file for divorce. That's obviously extremely cruel to my wife, considering she might want to reconcile. #3- Tell my gf that I'm going to come clean with my wife and separate form my wife and my gf for a few months so all three can gather their thoughts and make a clear decision. I'm sure most people on this forum will say option #3 is the best, and maybe it is. A little input would be appreciated.

[Survivor12]

If my daughter is my daughter, then I will take care of her for her entire life. I was referring to my girlfriend. I'll take care of my girlfriend until she finds someone new (hopefully soon...just kidding). Try to keep things in context.

 

Before you begin hurling insults at others, it would be a good idea to check yourself. Go back and read what you wrote--"...I will take care of her and my daughter until she finds someone new." It may not have been what you meant, but it is what you wrote.

[woinlove]

I suggest full honesty and openness, with both, about anything that might affect their lives starting right now. That's what I strive to give those I love and it works. The longer any deception goes on, the worse it becomes. So any deception or lies you've handed out to them, you can start by revealing the deepest and longest of those, then on to correcting other lies, and finally move on to discussing honestly your current feelings and thoughts and plans (assuming your W or OW is still interested at that point).

 

To me it is simple, because I want to be honest with those I love. But I'm not sure where you are coming from and if you are capable of honesty or not.

[Realist3]

This is where the big dilemma is. Let's assume that I get the birth certificate changed. Now what do you suggest? #1- Don't say anything to my gf and come clean with my wife about the affair and my daughter. My wife goes ballistic but decides she wants to reconcile and be a step mom to my daughter. (Most likely part time visitations) That's obviously not fair to my gf, putting her as a backup only. #2- Tell my gf that I want to marry her after I come clean with my wife and I file for divorce. That's obviously extremely cruel to my wife, considering she might want to reconcile. #3- Tell my gf that I'm going to come clean with my wife and separate form my wife and my gf for a few months so all three can gather their thoughts and make a clear decision. I'm sure most people on this forum will say option #3 is the best, and maybe it is. A little input would be appreciated.

 

I must say that I'm surprised you don't know what you want. What is your preferred option? I may be completely wrong here, but I think your wife will want to stay and your girlfriend will to. It will just be out in the open in regards to your daughter.

[woinlove]

I must say that I'm surprised you don't know what you want. What is your preferred option? I may be completely wrong here, but I think your wife will want to stay and your girlfriend will to. It will just be out in the open in regards to your daughter.

 

He told us what he wants, the four of them living together and him moving between his wife's and OW's bedrooms. I think the problem is that he doesn't think his W or OW will go for that.

[Survivor12]

Option #4: Come clean with you wife about EVERYTHING. (Show her this thread so she is clear on how you feel and what you are thinking) Whether or not your wife chooses to stay with you, tell the OW that you want visitation rights with your daughter but that you need time on your own before deciding if you want a relationship with her. Arrange visitation so that you do not have to see the OW and limit your interaction with her to emails regarding your daughter only. If your wife chooses to stay with you, include her in future decision making.

[Brian1]

I must say that I'm surprised you don't know what you want. What is your preferred option? I may be completely wrong here, but I think your wife will want to stay and your girlfriend will to. It will just be out in the open in regards to your daughter.

 

I agree with you that once everything is out in the open, that both women eventually will want to stay. I personally want to stay with my wife and have visitations with my daughter. But I know almost for a fact that my girlfriend will blow a gasket and do everything she can to disrupt my life with my daughter and with my wife. Even if I promise to take care of her financially.

[Realist3]

I agree with you that once everything is out in the open, that both women eventually will want to stay. I personally want to stay with my wife and have visitations with my daughter. But I know almost for a fact that my girlfriend will blow a gasket and do everything she can to disrupt my life with my daughter and with my wife. Even if I promise to take care of her financially.

 

That may likely be the case, but you have set up your girlfriend. You know she is going to react harshly. You have been talking about marriage. Put yourself in her shoes, really. Pretend you aren't the person with all of the financial pull. What would you do if you were her?