Complicated affair

[ThatJustHappened]

Sounds to me like you're getting dumped.

[wisernow]

Sounds to me like you're getting dumped.

 

I have to agree with you. (And hope it's true!)

 

OP, you make it sound like you "see" your daughter everyday, but it's more like a drive by situation, as in, you drive by their house, and you see her happily playing in the yard.

 

I do think your baby mama is more than likely pursuing another relationship and hasn't told you the truth (yet) because of whatever financial support you offer her and the daughter. She is probably biding her time with the new man to see if he can offer her the emotional/financial support for her and her daughter, the chance at a real family, and really, who can blame her.

 

The two victims here are a). your wife, who will be crushed once all this comes out (and it will). All the fertility procedures and surgeries, hormonal injections, etc., she went through to try and have a child with you, all the while, you were procreating with someone else. Having gone through all of that myself to have my daughter... Yikes, I would have been homicidal, if my then H had done what you've done. b.) This precious child. She may have no clue now, is probably happy at her young age, but she will grow up and start asking questions. Once she finds out (and, again, she will) she will be crushed beyond belief. She will believe that she was a mistake, conceived out of infidelity, and will likely somehow internalize it all, and make it her fault.

 

I truly hope, hope, hope, that your baby mama finds a good man that can offer her a good, fulfilling, in the open life, and can be a "real" father to this child. She doesn't benefit from your "drive-by parenting", and access to conversations on the phone. She needs a real, in the flesh, "there", father. Basically, a father, that will love her in the open and not be some dirty little secret. SMH.

Edited January 29, 2013 by wisernow

[Brian1]

My relationship with my daughter is exactly the same as a divorced husbands with his daughter. The divorced husband sees the child a few days a week and talks to her on the phone maybe a few more times a week. He also pays child support and possibly alimony. I do all of that and a little more. The difference is I still love my daughters' mother and her mother still loves me. My wife, on the other hand, is the big loser in this situation. And no matter what anyone thinks or says I love my wife as much as anyone else loves their wife. I just disrespected her and now i'm paying the price with a great deal of tension and confusion. My wife is not suffering anything right now. But if she finds out then she will be devastated.

[eleanorrigby]

I obviously don't want to lose contact with my daughter and for her to meet someone that could potentially be like a father to her. I don't know if I should give an ultimatum (it's been about two months of this) or just be patient. Theoretically I could leave my girlfriend but my daughter is all I have besides my wife. My girlfriend still comes down and we get together very passionately like always but I miss having constant communication with her. And the little communication we do have is followed by "I'll talk to you in 3-4 days I gotta go back up in 3-4 hours" or something like that. But the 1 or 2 times we get together each week are very normal and passionate. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks a lot.

 

So what do you think you will do? It seems as if your girlfriend is moving on and at her age could find another man to help her parent your daughter.

What will you do?

[Act Two]

My wife, on the other hand, is the big loser in this situation. And no matter what anyone thinks or says I love my wife as much as anyone else loves their wife. I just disrespected her and now i'm paying the price with a great deal of tension and confusion. My wife is not suffering anything right now. But if she finds out then she will be devastated.

 

How is that love? You are, at best, playing with fire.

[wisernow]

My relationship with my daughter is exactly the same as a divorced husbands with his daughter. The divorced husband sees the child a few days a week and talks to her on the phone maybe a few more times a week. He also pays child support and possibly alimony. I do all of that and a little more. The difference is I still love my daughters' mother and her mother still loves me. My wife, on the other hand, is the big loser in this situation. And no matter what anyone thinks or says I love my wife as much as anyone else loves their wife. I just disrespected her and now i'm paying the price with a great deal of tension and confusion. My wife is not suffering anything right now. But if she finds out then she will be devastated.

 

Can you even peer into the future? Right now, your daughter is 3. She is unaware of the dynamic of her birth and the situation of her conception. Wait until she's 7 or 14 and wants her dad there. When she questions why you aren't there, why she can only call you, why you live in another place, with another woman. Those days are coming, and it's very different from a divorced dad. My exH lives a few miles from me, we share 50/50 custody. You don't have anything close to that. She can't spend the night at Daddy's house, cause daddy has a wife that knows nothing about her. So, it's certainly NOT the same.

 

She is a secret. Sure, you can pull this off for now, but this child will certainly find her voice. What are you going to do when she calls your house and asks to speak to her "daddy?" Want's to come to daddy's house? And waiting until that happens isn't a plan.

 

My advice: You need to fix this NOW, not later.

[Realist3]

Bring your daughter into your life. Your real life. It may seem hard with your wife right now, but in the end it will all be better. And make no mistake your wife will find out at some point. All you are doing right now is robbing your daughter of you, and you of her.

[underwater2010]

My relationship with my daughter is exactly the same as a divorced husbands with his daughter.

 

No it is not. You never bothered to marry her mother. Your daughter and girlfriend are your DIRTY little secret. At least a divorced husband made a go at marriage and family.

 

The divorced husband sees the child a few days a week and talks to her on the phone maybe a few more times a week. He also pays child support and possibly alimony. I do all of that and a little more.

 

And he does that because the courts deem that is all he is allowed to do. You have made the choice to do as little as neccesary.

 

The difference is I still love my daughters' mother and her mother still loves me.

 

Please do not compare your love of self to the selfless love of a TRUE father. Someone that was there to help when the baby did not sleep all night. You do not love your girlfriend otherwise you would have made it official 3 yrs ago.

 

My wife, on the other hand, is the big loser in this situation.

 

You might think that now. Wait until it all comes out. You will not have support. Your parents will be pissed that you hid their grandchild from them, your wife will leave your sorry butt and someone will let it slip to your child all your past behaviors. YOU WILL BE THE BIG LOSER!!!

 

And no matter what anyone thinks or says I love my wife as much as anyone else loves their wife. I just disrespected her and now i'm paying the price with a great deal of tension and confusion.

 

Poor baby...so tense and confused. You don't love your wife. If you loved her you would have used condoms. You are just afraid to be on your own. You are afraid of rejection and that is exactly what you are going to get.

 

My wife is not suffering anything right now. But if she finds out then she will be devastated.

 

And quite simply you will be the cause of all that devistation.

[wisernow]

Can you even peer into the future? Right now, your daughter is 3. She is unaware of the dynamic of her birth and the situation of her conception. Wait until she's 7 or 14 and wants her dad there. When she questions why you aren't there, why she can only call you, why you live in another place, with another woman. Those days are coming, and it's very different from a divorced dad. My exH lives a few miles from me, we share 50/50 custody. You don't have anything close to that. She can't spend the night at Daddy's house, cause daddy has a wife that knows nothing about her. So, it's certainly NOT the same.

 

She is a secret. Sure, you can pull this off for now, but this child will certainly find her voice. What are you going to do when she calls your house and asks to speak to her "daddy?" Want's to come to daddy's house? And waiting until that happens isn't a plan.

 

My advice: You need to fix this NOW, not later.

 

I wanted to edit to add (but Realist posted before I could edit).

 

You can't avoid the hurt to you W. It will come now or later, but I think it's worse to allow her deception to go on longer. The only person who benefits from more time for the truth to come out is you. And, I think you do care about your wife, but adding more years to reveal the truth to her (a truth that she eventually find out) will in no way lessen her hurt. Actually, the more years that you let this go on, will increase her hurt and betrayal. If you tell her the truth, you give her the opportunity, to make her decisions, move on with her life, not waste her time in deception.

Edited January 29, 2013 by wisernow

[Brian1]

I hear you all and I have to say that I agree with most of your opinions. But it is a very tough decision. I could tell my wife I have been having an affair for 5 years which resulted in a child but I am willing to stop the affair but see my daughter regularly if she (my wife) is willing to stay with me. I could give her a few weeks to decide and if she decides she wants a divorce then I can marry my girlfriend and be with my daughter constantly. So, under this scenario, I could lose my wife but gain my daughter and my girlfriend but quit living in secrecy. Or I could keep my wife and lose my girlfriend and gain untethered part time access to my daughter. Each scenario results in great sadness and great happiness for myself but complete happiness for my daughter and complete happiness or complete sadness for my wife and/or my girlfriend. Tough decision.

[Realist3]

It is a tough decision. To this point you have obviously seen positives to the position you are currently in. But you have to know,... despite all of your efforts that something is going to come to a head. Now or later.

[Act Two]

I hear you all and I have to say that I agree with most of your opinions. But it is a very tough decision. I could tell my wife I have been having an affair for 5 years which resulted in a child but I am willing to stop the affair but see my daughter regularly if she (my wife) is willing to stay with me. I could give her a few weeks to decide and if she decides she wants a divorce then I can marry my girlfriend and be with my daughter constantly. So, under this scenario, I could lose my wife but gain my daughter and my girlfriend but quit living in secrecy. Or I could keep my wife and lose my girlfriend and gain untethered part time access to my daughter. Each scenario results in great sadness and great happiness for myself but complete happiness for my daughter and complete happiness or complete sadness for my wife and/or my girlfriend. Tough decision.

 

Instead of comparing/contrasting hypothetical scenarios and their potential outcomes, which are really unknown to you, I would consider making a decision based on what is RIGHT. What is the right thing to do in this situation and the most fair? Not who you perceive will benefit from this the most (which, let's be honest, is easy to do for ourselves first), but a decision based on honesty. I would start there, IMO.

[BrokenPrincess]

I could tell my wife .... I could give her a few weeks to decide and if she decides she wants a divorce then I can marry my girlfriend and be with my daughter constantly.

 

Or you could step up and make a decision yourself. How lovely for your gf that you'll only marry her as a second choice

 

She's still young...if you don't want her, let her go so she can find a decent man to complete her family.

[ThatJustHappened]

You are teaching your daughter that she's a source of shame..something that needs to be hidden. She may not understand that yet but kids are pretty perceptive. If you don't do something about this quickly she will start picking up on it and the damage will be intense and irreparable. You're already punishing your innocent wife for your bad behavior..don't punish your little girl too. You must come clean and bring this all out into the open.

[seren]

Brian, one of the first things any parent learns is that when you have a child there is no I, the world revolves around the child, it has to, they are too young to be nothing but selfish - and rightly so. Reading all your posts the one word that jumps out at me is, I. The situation sounds like compartmentalisation central, I don't think I have ever read a thread where there is so much, this life, that life, going on. It surely cannot be a healthy place for anyone to live and thrive, let alone a little girl.

 

How long do you see this continuing? I am simply staggered that you thought it OK to bring your child, her mother and your wife together for Christmas without your wife knowing she was entertaining your OW and child. TBH, that level of deceit and being able to carry it off is quite worrying and is another example of how you engineered a situation so you got to spend time as you wanted.

 

The OW must be worried she will be left high and dry if you and she split up. I have read on here before about an OW who was continuing the A as she was afraid the MM and his wife would fight for custody of her child. I understand if the OW feels that, I also wonder if she is living with someone 'up the mountain' and needs notice so she can clear out evidence of there being someone living with her - maybe not, but who could blame her if this happened.

 

The person who will suffer most is your child, I am assuming she knows she is your daughter, if not that in itself is not good as she obviously has built up a bond with you. If she does, that you are engineering lives to ensure you get to be called Daddy, you keep the OW a secret and your wife doesn't get to make informed choices about her life. This isn't a good way to live and will blow up. Your daughter will always wonder why she wasn't taken to meet the rest of her family and proudly shown off - imagine what she might think about her mother when she finds out what has happened, and she will further down the line.

 

What a mess. Tell your wife and take the consequences, go with the OW to a lawyer and make her secure as the mother of your child by legally arranging access, financial support and when that happens, take your daughter out and tell the whole dammed world how proud you are to be a Dad. Your wife's choices are hers, either to reconcile or move along. No it isn't easy, but to continue like this is so, so mixed up. I truly hope this all works out for everyone.

[2sunny]

Your OW doesn't want you full time. Why would she?

 

You pay her way. You provide a house. You hand her a business to run.

 

She's got it made while she searches for a new lover/day for her child.

 

You've given her everything and she doesn't HAVE to stay with you to keep all she's got.

 

 

Your being short sighted in the commitment area.

 

Divorce your W - the M is a farce at this point.

[Brian1]

You are teaching your daughter that she's a source of shame..something that needs to be hidden. She may not understand that yet but kids are pretty perceptive. If you don't do something about this quickly she will start picking up on it and the damage will be intense and irreparable. You're already punishing your innocent wife for your bad behavior..don't punish your little girl too. You must come clean and bring this all out into the open.

 

Thanks for the comment ThatJustHappened. I hear you loud and clear. My daughters view of this mess is going to be very hard for her and could cause problems for her in the future. I agree, the sooner this mess is cleared up the better it will be for her. I just need to get the guts and muster up enough courage to clean this mess up that I created and let every adult party decide which way they want to go. But at least, certainly, I will finally be a real daddy to my beautiful daughter. Thanks again for your kick to my ass.

[bentnotbroken]

I have some questions....how would you deal with a man who treated your daughter the way you have treated her mother and your wife? Do you feel as long as she is kept in the dark about her life she will be just fine? Do you feel as if she shouldn't be allowed to make knowledgeable decisions about her life as long as her cheating spouse treats her like a child who needs to protected from her own life?

 

 

I will ask again.

[woinlove]

I am simply staggered that you thought it OK to bring your child, her mother and your wife together for Christmas without your wife knowing she was entertaining your OW and child. TBH, that level of deceit and being able to carry it off is quite worrying and is another example of how you engineered a situation so you got to spend time as you wanted.

 

I agree that it is disturbing hearing from a person who is capable of this level of deceit. Brian, your posts suggest that you have a fairly limited capacity for loving others. I'm sure you love them as much as you are capable, but it seems rather shallow. On some level, your W and OW must realize that, although perhaps your W cannot imagine quite how devious you can be. But a child is such a precious gift, and you need to work hard to strive to give her needs a higher priority. At some point she will figure out that she is a hidden secret from your other life and come to realize the deception you played to keep her there. Children don't always get parents capable of the kind of love and care that they need. But you need to step up and make some effort and not leave this all to blow up in your daughter's face.

Edited January 29, 2013 by woinlove

[Brian1]

Brian, one of the first things any parent learns is that when you have a child there is no I, the world revolves around the child, it has to, they are too young to be nothing but selfish - and rightly so. Reading all your posts the one word that jumps out at me is, I. The situation sounds like compartmentalisation central, I don't think I have ever read a thread where there is so much, this life, that life, going on. It surely cannot be a healthy place for anyone to live and thrive, let alone a little girl.

 

How long do you see this continuing? I am simply staggered that you thought it OK to bring your child, her mother and your wife together for Christmas without your wife knowing she was entertaining your OW and child. TBH, that level of deceit and being able to carry it off is quite worrying and is another example of how you engineered a situation so you got to spend time as you wanted.

 

The OW must be worried she will be left high and dry if you and she split up. I have read on here before about an OW who was continuing the A as she was afraid the MM and his wife would fight for custody of her child. I understand if the OW feels that, I also wonder if she is living with someone 'up the mountain' and needs notice so she can clear out evidence of there being someone living with her - maybe not, but who could blame her if this happened.

 

The person who will suffer most is your child, I am assuming she knows she is your daughter, if not that in itself is not good as she obviously has built up a bond with you. If she does, that you are engineering lives to ensure you get to be called Daddy, you keep the OW a secret and your wife doesn't get to make informed choices about her life. This isn't a good way to live and will blow up. Your daughter will always wonder why she wasn't taken to meet the rest of her family and proudly shown off - imagine what she might think about her mother when she finds out what has happened, and she will further down the line.

 

What a mess. Tell your wife and take the consequences, go with the OW to a lawyer and make her secure as the mother of your child by legally arranging access, financial support and when that happens, take your daughter out and tell the whole dammed world how proud you are to be a Dad. Your wife's choices are hers, either to reconcile or move along. No it isn't easy, but to continue like this is so, so mixed up. I truly hope this all works out for everyone.

 

Thanks for your advice seren. Your comments are direct, honest and correct yet, not cruel or mean in there tone. I appreciate your comments and advice. I have never, ever discussed my affair with anyone at all until I posted on this thread. I have been confused for the 3 + years that my daughter has been born (even though I saw her every day for the first 1 1/2 years). I really miss being with her on a daily basis. I do feel ashamed that she can't go around calling me daddy in public and when she sees me she must wonder why I drive by, wave to her in front of her house but continue on my way. She has to be priority #1 for me and now after reading all of the comments I have to definitely move to bring myself into her life on a regular and open basis. I think I'm going to go to a psychologist or psychiatrist to discuss this relationship and see how they suggest fixing it properly with the least amount of pain for my wife or my girlfriend. I love them both very much but in very different ways. I know it's sick and not normal but it a reality. Thanks again for your comments.

[stillafool]

There is no easy way to let either of these women down. You are going to be told by any therapist that you must start with telling the truth. You are a father and your decision should be based on what is best for your daughter. Since you are in love with your gf I would suggest you go with her and therefore you can be a full time dad to your child. Your wife will be devastated at first but she will heal and go on to make a life for herself with another man and eventually be happy. You just don't want to lose either of these women and that's very selfish as again you are only thinking about what you want. Also I might add that you did your gf a disservice by hiding her out in the mountains to run some store. If you really wanted to help this girl you would have sent her to school so she can get a good job with good benefits for her and her child. Putting her right under your wife's nose was a bad decision.

[veryhappy]

Can anyone remember the name of that young woman who had a baby with a much older man and the wife knew about it?

 

OP, you might be convinced you love your wife, but your actions do not show love. Accept that.

 

This is not your play to direct. You can't ask your wife to make a decision in a few weeks. Life doesn't work like that. You have no sense of reality, so no wonder you got into this mess.

 

You won't lose your wife. Stop being so afraid. After so many years and no kids, she'll stay with you. It won't be a few weeks though.

[Brian1]

There is no easy way to let either of these women down. You are going to be told by any therapist that you must start with telling the truth. You are a father and your decision should be based on what is best for your daughter. Since you are in love with your gf I would suggest you go with her and therefore you can be a full time dad to your child. Your wife will be devastated at first but she will heal and go on to make a life for herself with another man and eventually be happy. You just don't want to lose either of these women and that's very selfish as again you are only thinking about what you want. Also I might add that you did your gf a disservice by hiding her out in the mountains to run some store. If you really wanted to help this girl you would have sent her to school so she can get a good job with good benefits for her and her child. Putting her right under your wife's nose was a bad decision.

 

I think you are probably right about staying with my girlfriend, principally to be with my daughter full time. Just to clarify, I offered my girlfriend a business of her choice and where ever she wants it but she chose to have it near her sister so her sister could run it and also it's a tourist area which helps sales. I was thinking at the time of starting the business that at least if we separated she could have something to maintain herself although I would continue supporting our daughter.

[Brian1]

Can anyone remember the name of that young woman who had a baby with a much older man and the wife knew about it?

 

OP, you might be convinced you love your wife, but your actions do not show love. Accept that.

 

This is not your play to direct. You can't ask your wife to make a decision in a few weeks. Life doesn't work like that. You have no sense of reality, so no wonder you got into this mess.

 

You won't lose your wife. Stop being so afraid. After so many years and no kids, she'll stay with you. It won't be a few weeks though.

 

I hear you, cutedragon. And I agree with you. I believe I love my wife but maybe it's more like I care for her very much. Even though we still have a lot of good times together and talk like normal happy couples there is that tension that will always be there.

[Brian1]

Can anyone remember the name of that young woman who had a baby with a much older man and the wife knew about it?

 

OP, you might be convinced you love your wife, but your actions do not show love. Accept that.

 

This is not your play to direct. You can't ask your wife to make a decision in a few weeks. Life doesn't work like that. You have no sense of reality, so no wonder you got into this mess.

 

You won't lose your wife. Stop being so afraid. After so many years and no kids, she'll stay with you. It won't be a few weeks though.

 

Also, cutedragon, I would not ask my wife to make a decision in a few weeks. I would just wait and see if she would talk to me or just blow up and never want to see me again. Which would be completely understandable but very painful for both.