Complicated affair

[Brian1]

I think what makes me really sad about this story is that she's going to think you didn't love her because she coudln't give you babies and it's going to haunt her.

 

Your girlfriend is going to always feel like the default.

 

I really think you should consider spending some time in an apartment or home by yourself instead of going from one to the other. Maybe set up a house for you with a room for your little girl to come hang out with her dad as often as she can or wants.

 

Get your head on straight before you decide to be involved with anyone for a while. Just to make sure. I know you say you love your girlfriend, but that might take some work too. I think some alone time would be a good idea.

 

I don't think you meant to have this all explode around you, but honestly, the position you find yourself in is... really unenviable.

 

No one really wins, everyone is going to be hurt. I think everyone, including you is in agreement that the one person who still can avoid a good lot of pain is your daughter. Keep the focus there, you are inflicting the pain honestly now, so that you don't hurt her the same way.

 

Good luck to you, I hope it goes as smoothly as it can.

 

Thanks LFH. That's good advice. I was thinking the same. Tell my wife the truth and then move to a location alone for a few months at least. But I'm not sure if I shut off my girlfriend she will be cooperative with me in regards to seeing my daughter. If she plays hardball, then I'll have to go to court to get my rights to see my daughter regularly. I'm sure if I leave my wife my girlfriend will want and expect me to move in with her and eventually marry her. Still every angle has difficulties but I have to choose a game plan to ensure my being with my daughter, at least part time and not in secrecy.

[ThatJustHappened]

Thanks for the comment ThatJustHappened. I hear you loud and clear. My daughters view of this mess is going to be very hard for her and could cause problems for her in the future. I agree, the sooner this mess is cleared up the better it will be for her. I just need to get the guts and muster up enough courage to clean this mess up that I created and let every adult party decide which way they want to go. But at least, certainly, I will finally be a real daddy to my beautiful daughter. Thanks again for your kick to my ass.

 

Have you taken any action yet?

[18Years2Late]

This thread should be pinned...like therapy when ur feeling down...

 

Just when I was thinking there's no one else in the world more f**ked up then me...someone posts this insanity and suddenly I feel like Mother Theresa...

 

A 5 year affair...3-1/2 years of the 5 with a freaking kid...9 months of pregancy...AND been able to hide this from the W the ENTIRE time????...someone call Websters...I think we have a new meaning for the term "compartmentalization"...

 

I haven't read all 6+ pages of this disgusting mess so sorry if someone else already thought of this...WTH kind of lies are u and her feeding this poor innocent little girl???...

 

Simply heart-breaking...

[18Years2Late]

Hey LFW, yes my wife knows my girlfriend. My girlfriend used to work for me and that's where our relationship started. She was even pregnant with my daughter while working for me. My wife was more or less her supervisor while she worked for me. My wife and I had a lot of contact with my daughter until she was 2 years old. We went to all of her parties and even had them over for Christmas one time. I t was very uncomfortable sometimes for me. But she later left and we've been continuing on the outside for the last 2 years.

 

W.O.W...just WOW...

[Quiet Storm]

It reminds me of Arnold & Maria Schwarzenegger, and how it dawned on Maria that the child looked like Arnold. Maria was this woman's boss, similar to this situation.

 

OP, you are leading a very dysfunctional life. You believe that you are sparing your loved ones pain, but your dysfuntion has trickled down. There is no way that your family can escape unscathed, whether you confess or remain stuck in your web of lies.

 

The women in your life, that you claim to love and lie to protect, deserve more respect than this.

 

Pain will happen, no doubt about it. Your decision is just a matter of postponing the pain, or ripping off that bandaid so healing can begin.

[Brian1]

W.O.W...just WOW...

 

To tell you the truth, 18years2late, looking back on my mess that I created I am shocked also to the extremes I have gone through to carry on these lies and deception. Even though I am the perpetrator, I have been through a lot of pain, guilt and suffering too. I am not happy or proud of any of my actions regarding this situation. Shame is a better description of how I feel.

Changing course a bit, I was surprised when I read about Arnold Schwarzeneggers affair and child because it had so many similarities to mine. But I didn't have children with my wife...

[Brian1]

It reminds me of Arnold & Maria Schwarzenegger, and how it dawned on Maria that the child looked like Arnold. Maria was this woman's boss, similar to this situation.

 

OP, you are leading a very dysfunctional life. You believe that you are sparing your loved ones pain, but your dysfuntion has trickled down. There is no way that your family can escape unscathed, whether you confess or remain stuck in your web of lies.

 

The women in your life, that you claim to love and lie to protect, deserve more respect than this.

 

Pain will happen, no doubt about it. Your decision is just a matter of postponing the pain, or ripping off that bandaid so healing can begin.

 

Hey QuietStorm, that's amazing that you posted that. We must have been writing our posts at the same time.

[bentnotbroken]

I have some questions....how would you deal with a man who treated your daughter the way you have treated her mother and your wife? Do you feel as long as she is kept in the dark about her life she will be just fine? Do you feel as if she shouldn't be allowed to make knowledgeable decisions about her life as long as her cheating spouse treats her like a child who needs to protected from her own life?

 

 

I will ask again..........

[Brian1]

I will ask again..........

 

OK, bentnotbroken, of course I would not be happy, I would be furious. But we all make stupid decisions in our lives (and maybe that's an understatement) and we have to deal with them. I'm ashamed of what I have done and if I had another chance I obviously never would do it again. But now I am in a huge mess and I need to clean it up, ASAP. Not an easy task even though everyone on the outside thinks it's simple.

[veryhappy]

We don't think it's simple. We believe postponing it will only make everything more difficult for everyone.

 

You are not special. MM who cheat excell in being conflict avoidant, cowards and very keen on keeping the status quo. They want everything to be easy for them.

 

Because your A resulted in a child, find your inner male inside of you and be the father you should be. Being a man is not about sexing two women at the same time.

[Realist3]

Of course it is not simple. In fact, it is just the opposite. As alluded to above the issue is that the longer you keep on the current path the more difficult will become for everyone involved.

 

The sooner you start on the corrective path the better it will be after everything shakes out. Plus you will get to be your daughter's daddy.

[ThatJustHappened]

This situation is almost worse than Arnold Schwartzenegger's..at least from your wife's perspective. You were easily able to impregnate another woman while she failed to get pregnant with you. Do you have any clue what a profound affect this is going to have on her? I can't even fathom the pain you've caused her, and your daughter. I hope you really do seek help because there are some serious psychological deformities going on here.

 

The longer you wait to tell her, the worse it's going to be. Just do it already..stop stalling.

[jwi71]

I do feel ashamed that she can't go around calling me daddy in public and when she sees me she must wonder why I drive by, wave to her in front of her house but continue on my way.

 

Wow.

 

You actually do this...just drive by and wave...and your dear precious daughter who "means everything to you" is NOT ALLOWED to call you daddy in public.

 

Really?

 

The words I wish to type next get me banned so I won't...but...

 

Wow.

[bentnotbroken]

Yes, I personally think it is simple...easy no...simple yes. The shortest distance between two point is a straight line. It requires a commitment to some one other than yourself. When you figure out how to do that......you move forward.

[Brian1]

Have you taken any action yet?

 

Yes, ThatJustHappened, I have taken action. I am now in the planning stage. (Step 1 of 5 step action plan)

[Brian1]

I went to a marriage counselor (aka therapist) today and he asked me, "Of the two women in your life, who do you think would love you more faithfully and longer term?" I said without thinking, "No doubt. My wife." But I said, if she finds out about my shenanigans, who knows. She might throw me out and not look back. He said he highly doubts she would do that if I completely come clean and honestly state that I will not ever see her again romantically. So he is basically recommending that I come to grips about giving up the girlfriend for good and once I do that and accept it fully and get over her then and only then should I tell my wife of the affair and child. But I said "That could take several months. And in the meantime I won't be able to see my daughter at all." He said,"Well if you want to have a chance of living happily ever after with your wife, then, that's what needs to be done." And he said later I can pursue getting visitation rights for my daughter. I don't like his advice, to be honest but I'll think about it.

[awkward]

I went to a marriage counselor (aka therapist) today and he asked me, "Of the two women in your life, who do you think would love you more faithfully and longer term?".

 

I have a better question. Who do you think you would love and be faithful to?

[seren]

Brian, I am wondering if you have your name on your daughter's birth certificate, not too sure how it works where you live, but in the UK unless you do, it would be very hard to get visitation without the mother's consent and you would not get parental rights. It might be worth going down that road before moving to the next step of your action plan. I can imagine the OW might stop access to your daughter, I suppose it all depends on how you manage this and how any, if any, split is handled.

 

I am an XBS with 26 years of marriage behind me, my H and I couldn't have children, but we have my son from a previous marriage we have raised. I tell you this because I know in my heart that had H and the OW had a child I would be mad as hell for the A, but couldn't deny him seeing his daughter and would try to welcome her into our family, working, eventually, with the OW. You might be surprised how many would, your wife might also surprise you, but I can also understand that this is down the line and that the OW would need to be assured that there was no ulterior motive.

 

I am torn between saying leave and be on your own and explaining to the OW and assuring her there will be financial support and telling your wife. if you do tell your wife, please don't just tell of the A, also tell of your daughter, to let that out of the bag months after D Day would tear any reconciliation apart. Please think about how you and the OW handle telling your daughter that you are her Dad and once you do, make sure to maintain contact and keep any and all arguments (if any) away from her.

 

I am glad you are taking steps to sort this out and wish you the very best, I am also glad you want contact with your daughter, some father's just walk away, my son's did and it has a long standing effect. Good luck.

[Brian1]

Seren, I have to say that no, I don't have my name on the birth certificate. My girlfriend and I agreed not to at the birth but now I want to. I told her a week ago that I wanted to do it and she didn't have a problem. But I'm sure she said that because we were on good terms at that moment. Right now she's pulling one of her disappearing acts and I haven't talked to her for 2 days. My daughter remains in her house with my girlfriends other sister and her mother while my girlfriend is out of contact up in the mountain town. I talked to her Sunday and she said she'd call today between 4 and 6 pm. It's 8:30 now and no word. This type of behavior from her is very annoying to me and I think maybe she feels I want to end our relationship or she is seeing someone else up there. That is why she goes for a few days sometimes without any communication. But if she continues this behavior much longer, I will be forced to end it with her. But I want to cozy up at least until I can fix the birth certificate. By the way, my daughter fully understands that I am her father but I have only had contact with her 2 times this month due to the issues with my girlfriend.

[seren]

I understand why you would want to get your name on the birth certificate first, maybe she has someone else, maybe she is afraid you will stop financial support if you and she are over and maybe she is afraid you and your wife will muscle in and try to take on her role, all perfectly understandable from her point of view. Maybe she needs reassurance that if you and she split that she will not be left high and dry. I think it is time for a conversation with her about all this, possibly speak about ensuring your daughter's future is taken care of incase anything happened in the future and that to do this you will need to be acknowledged as her Dad. It might also be good to speak about the what if's, should you and she split. I am saying all this assuming you and she want to split, I may be completely off base, but it might be that she is keeping you sweet because she is worried and maybe because she loves you. Lots of if's and maybe's and this will continue until you have a conversation.

 

I have never said this before to a WS, but in this instance your daughter's wellbeing is paramount, get your ducks in a row before telling your wife, by that I mean tie up all the loose ends with regards to the OW and your daughter, making sure both are looked after - but don't drag this out. The last thing you will want to be thinking about is how to manage your daughter and how to manage your marriage while both situations are in turmoil. In an ideal world scenario, what do you want?

[Brian1]

Hey seren, we were together all day last Thursday and we talked about a lot of things. Her whole attitude that day was, "I love you, I want to stay with you, I want to do lots of things with you now and in the future, I want to have another baby with you, I want you to see our daughter more often, ..." But her actions seem to be saying different things. Plus, some of my pressing questions to her were handled a little hesitatingly, as if she was lying or hiding something. But she continues to be adamant that she is not seeing anyone and is offended that I am asking. I don't know but I am very suspicious.

[Gibson_Girl]

My relationship with my daughter is exactly the same as a divorced husbands with his daughter. The divorced husband sees the child a few days a week and talks to her on the phone maybe a few more times a week. He also pays child support and possibly alimony. I do all of that and a little more. The difference is I still love my daughters' mother and her mother still loves me. My wife, on the other hand, is the big loser in this situation. And no matter what anyone thinks or says I love my wife as much as anyone else loves their wife. I just disrespected her and now i'm paying the price with a great deal of tension and confusion. My wife is not suffering anything right now. But if she finds out then she will be devastated.

 

 

My opinion has always been, "Don't tell" when it comes to affairs, this time it's not. Your wife needs to know about that child and the affair. You're suffering right now and I'm sure you don't want your wife to suffer, however, I think it still goes back to the root--- YOU. You don't want her to know because.then you'll be forced to confront the issue and cause yourself even more anxiety and stress and run the risk of losing your wife.

 

I think it's arrogant to say you love her as much as anyone else loves their wife because not everyone has affairs.

 

Maybe I am wrong to assume, but it appears you want to keep everything as- is but only as long as it benefits you.

[ThatJustHappened]

I went to a marriage counselor (aka therapist) today and he asked me, "Of the two women in your life, who do you think would love you more faithfully and longer term?" I said without thinking, "No doubt. My wife." But I said, if she finds out about my shenanigans, who knows. She might throw me out and not look back. He said he highly doubts she would do that if I completely come clean and honestly state that I will not ever see her again romantically. So he is basically recommending that I come to grips about giving up the girlfriend for good and once I do that and accept it fully and get over her then and only then should I tell my wife of the affair and child. But I said "That could take several months. And in the meantime I won't be able to see my daughter at all." He said,"Well if you want to have a chance of living happily ever after with your wife, then, that's what needs to be done." And he said later I can pursue getting visitation rights for my daughter. I don't like his advice, to be honest but I'll think about it.

 

Woah. You need a new marriage counselor. That's some awful advice!

[ThatJustHappened]

Hey seren, we were together all day last Thursday and we talked about a lot of things. Her whole attitude that day was, "I love you, I want to stay with you, I want to do lots of things with you now and in the future, I want to have another baby with you, I want you to see our daughter more often, ..." But her actions seem to be saying different things. Plus, some of my pressing questions to her were handled a little hesitatingly, as if she was lying or hiding something. But she continues to be adamant that she is not seeing anyone and is offended that I am asking. I don't know but I am very suspicious.

 

You. Are. MARRIED! If she wants to date other people you can't say one word about it. It's none of your business who she dates.

[Brian1]

You'd better get a paternity test before you put your name on that birth certificate.

 

Exactly what I was planning on doing. But I am pretty much 100% sure it's my child. Still I will have the test done before moving forward. Our little lie, that we both devised from the very beginning, for her family, my wife and everyone around us, was that she got pregnant from a young fellow who worked for me for a few months around the time of her conception. He was a contractor who didn't live in our area. To be honest, my wife and I considered adopting the child at the beginning but we both didn't want the biological mother too close to the baby we were raising. Also, my girlfriend did not want to give up the child.