Discovering my personal legend or a big farse..

[bohica]

The last ten years of my life have been very confusing and for the past 2 yrs I've been feeling very confused, unmotivated, and slightly depressed.

 

I am currently 44yrs old. Until recently I never finished college. In my twenties and thirties I worked in the corporate world and managed to work my way up to mid level status. I was surrounded by people my own age with advanced degrees, families, homes, etc..They were all happy and content with there lives and had drive to succeed in business. I lacked that drive and always felt lost. I was a non conformist who disliked doing things and befriending people in the work place to better my position. I was good at what I did. I made a decent living but things never felt right, I was always unhappy and thought I was meant for something different and I never liked working for someone else, being just a number.

 

I failed in all my relationships because I lacked confidence and was never happy. I always blamed it on my discontent for work and lack of education.

I always day dreamed about being my own boss and doing something creative. I was always the type to want to constantly evolve as a person and felt life is more then dollar signs and nice cars. I loved photography and admired the friends I had that were out doing there own things, being creative and running there own lives. My unhappiness with my professional life grew so much that I often wanted to just get up and quit. I was nearing 40yrs old and never took a chance with life. I was a high school drop out who managed to snake his way partially up the ladder and was completely disgruntled. I didn't want to have regrets. My two brothers did what they wanted when they wanted it. One is the black sheep, a DJ with no family values, the other picked up and moved to Indonesia to become jack of all trades, writer, clothing designer, film maker, restaurant owner, graphic designer....I just don't want to be part of the normal rat race.

 

Finally, one day about five yrs ago, I had been on ropes end for a long time and after almost throwing my computer of the office window I decided to write my letter of resignation and never return. I cashed out my retirement account to pursue a career as a professional photographer. I knew people in the industry. I had been shooting as a hobbie, I took a few classes....I can do this! I got an internship with a fashion photographer and lived of my pension for a year. I started getting my own work and things were looking great. I had the weight of the world taken off my back. I was free. Well, two years ago things started falling apart. Work became hard to come by,, I started losing my direction taking jobs where ever I can get them just so I can pay rent. Whatever, pet squirrel....I'll shoot it. It became so bad that I couldn't get work and could no longer pay my bills. I had to move in with my mother until my business got better and I also decided to take advantage and go back to school.

 

During this time I had gotten involved with someone I met on a shoot. A recently divorced mother of a 10yr old boy. She was so supportive, loving, compassionate and understanding. Considering my situation I felt lucky. Now though, instead of being unhappy with work and having money and a career I was happy with work but had no money and no career. She stuck with me for a time but we broke up because she gave up on me. Ultimately, I don't think were compatible, not right for each other but I lost my best friend and my biggest supporter. I worked my ass off to get my associates degree. I made the deans list my last semester and had a GPA (for that last year) of a 3.7. I don't feel any sense of accomplishment though, I feel lost again. I'm here living with my mother at 44, no girlfriend, business is failing and I'm confused all over. I've been thinking of going back to the corporate world but it's not what I want. I've been thinking of continuing my education but that will take time. I don't want to give up on my creative endeavors but the industry is dead. I'm lost all over again. I am unmotivated and feel stuck.

 

I often ask myself has my journey just been a big lie and an excuse for being lazy and unmotivated or am I really just lost and why at this age,.

Will I ever be successful, will I ever be happy and content and most of all

can I become a better person, the man I want to be. I want to be a good man. Someone of character,respected,significant,charitable and successful..