Once a cheater, always a cheater? Thoughts/experiences.

[BornToDie]

I've noticed a lot of people say "once a cheater, always a cheater," and for good reason. I've done a lot of thought on this, and having cheated myself, I'm curious as to how you all feel about it.

- Can cheaters change? If so, under what circumstances?

- If a cheater can't change, is it psychological/sociological/biological? Did something occur, maybe in family life, for them to turn out that way (to disrespect women/men)?

 

I ask all this because the guy I'm with now... I cheated on him a while back. He wasn't appreciating me, and the guy I cheated with told me everything I wanted to hear. I think that obviously, cheating comes from unhappiness in the relationship. I was unhappy with my boyfriend, so I broke up with him after I cheated on him. The 3 months we were apart, I feel like the circumstances I dealt with made me "learn my lesson." I was very depressed, and I realized every guy I tried to date only hurt me and was not up to par with my ex. At the same time, my ex was experiencing the same thing. So we reconciled after 3 months NC, and today, we love and appreciate each other very much. I have no thoughts of infidelity.

 

At the same time, though, a guy I used to be involved was the epitome of "once a cheater, always a cheater." He dated my now best friend, and he would talk to me behind her back then tell her that I was stalking him, and then vice versa with her. They broke it off, and now, he still tries to get me to send him pictures (I never actually did, that's just his thing with girls) even though he has a new girlfriend. From a psychological point, I thought it was interesting that his dad is a womanizer himself and has left his mother on several occasions.

 

Just some thoughts. I hope I'm not setting myself up for bashing. I know what I did was wrong. I've made my bed and had to lie in it, so I'm just wondering how the rest of you feel on this one.

[pteromom]

I think that obviously, cheating comes from unhappiness in the relationship.

 

No, I think one's ability to cheat comes from within. Whether it is immaturity, lack of integrity, selfishness, inability to stand up and either demand what you want from a relationship or leave it... it's about the cheater, not the relationship.

 

I don't think "once a cheater, always a cheater" is necessarily true. It is definitely possible to fall, figure out you feel like crap about yourself after doing it, and never do it again.

 

But - if someone is a serial cheater, or expects a relationship to fulfill all their happiness rather than working on him/herself, then it is likely to happen again.

[ChessPieceFace]

DESIRE to cheat may come from unhappiness in the relationship, but actually going through with cheating comes from a lack of moral character. "Once a cheater, always a cheater" is simplistic and not technically accurate, but accurate enough to be a reasonable guideline.

 

I would never stay with a cheater. If I could talk to your BF I'd tell him to find someone faithful. There will never again be the trust there once was. Trust is the foundation of a relationship.

[pbjbear]

I dont agree with that statement 100% but I think many cheaters wont ever change...over 50% do not if I had to put a number on it.

 

Cheating comes from within...I have been in exclusive relationships that werent good and I had plenty of opportunities to sleep with another guy and I didnt. I didnt and then I ended the relationships when I wasnt happy.

 

You could have ended the relationship before cheating.

 

I think cheating comes down to character, specifically self control and maturity often. Thats why when someone young does it I dont judge...I didnt cheat but did other stupid things when I was young I wouldnt do again. However, once youre an adult I dont feel for you and think its more a character flaw.

 

You say youre happy now, but once more bumps appear in your relationships and you are tempted again, it wont surprise me to learn you did it again

[loversquarrel]

Cheating, no matter the reason, is an act of selfishness and to some extent an act of cowardice. Usually people don't change this behavior unless they have an extreme motivation to do so. Maybe the temporary loss of your BF was motivation enough for you, but I doubt it.

[nofool4u]

I've noticed a lot of people say "once a cheater, always a cheater," and for good reason. I've done a lot of thought on this, and having cheated myself, I'm curious as to how you all feel about it.

- Can cheaters change?

 

IMO, only in the sense that they might refrain from actually doing the deed, but they still would like to. There are those that say they don't desire to cheat again, but also have fond memories of the great sex they had with the AP. Sorry, even if a cheater can change, which I don't believe they do 100%, I'm not going to take my chances with them..whether they cheated on me or I know they have cheated on someone else.

 

 

- If a cheater can't change, is it psychological/sociological/biological? Did something occur, maybe in family life, for them to turn out that way (to disrespect women/men)?

 

No, to me cheaters are just fickle. They like the variety of screwing different people. And that being the case, why the F do they enter committed relationships?

 

 

I ask all this because the guy I'm with now... I cheated on him a while back. He wasn't appreciating me and the guy I cheated with told me everything I wanted to hear.

 

Well of course he did. It worked, he got what he wanted.

 

 

I think that obviously, cheating comes from unhappiness in the relationship. I was unhappy with my boyfriend, so I broke up with him after I cheated on him. The 3 months we were apart, I feel like the circumstances I dealt with made me "learn my lesson." I was very depressed, and I realized every guy I tried to date only hurt me and was not up to par with my ex. At the same time, my ex was experiencing the same thing. So we reconciled after 3 months NC, and today, we love and appreciate each other very much. I have no thoughts of infidelity.

 

But you believe cheating(and yes, it is justifying it) comes from unhappiness in the relationship. So you have no thoughts of cheating NOW. But what about if you feel not every little need of yours is being met later?

 

 

Just some thoughts. I hope I'm not setting myself up for bashing. I know what I did was wrong. I've made my bed and had to lie in it, so I'm just wondering how the rest of you feel on this one.

 

Well, even though you said you have no thoughts of infidelity, I'm sure many cheaters felt that way initially when given a 2nd chance.

 

I'm afraid you'll get the itch sooner or later.

[nofool4u]

DESIRE to cheat may come from unhappiness in the relationship, but actually going through with cheating comes from a lack of moral character. "Once a cheater, always a cheater" is simplistic and not technically accurate, but accurate enough to be a reasonable guideline.

 

EXACTLY. Well said. Its a guideline I will always use. Just like if you jump in a lion's pit there is a chance you won't get bit, but you'd be stupid to do it.

 

And I like to use the guideline of, "Once a cheater, the more the CHANCE they will cheat again"

[veggirl]

What are you gonna do next time you feel like your bf isn't appreciating you?

 

Your boyfriend is a big doormat and you know this now. It will make cheating next time easier.

 

I don't believe in once a cheater, always a cheater over a LIFE, but in the same relationship? Hell yeah. I'd never take back a cheater. Maybe you "learned your lesson"...bull...how? What changed? That fast?

 

You dated new guy for 3 mos and then what, honeymoon was over so you ran back to your ex.

 

Not cool, your boyfriend should have told you to kick rocks. Guess he better make sure he treats you absolutely perfectly this time around

[GSB81]

 

I ask all this because the guy I'm with now... I cheated on him a while back. He wasn't appreciating me, and the guy I cheated with told me everything I wanted to hear.

 

 

He could sense that you were gullible, weak, and didn't respect your relationship. Score!!!

[ImNotOliver]

I’ve cheated on girlfriends, yet I don’t for a minute believe the once a cheater always a cheater line. I’ve never cheated on a woman when I was in love with her. All the cheating came as the relationship was falling apart. It happened when I no longer cared about the relationship. I’ve never felt any moral shame because the cheating was just the first step to moving on.

 

With my last girlfriend I liked her quite a bit but just wasn’t happy. Actually I was miserable at times. I ran into this woman who had been an option before I picked my gf. We got to talking and next thing I know we were making out. We didn’t have sex but there was a lot of serious groping going on. Nothing ever came of it but it did provide the spark to convince myself that I just didn’t want to be with my girlfriend anymore.

[pbjbear]

I’ve cheated on girlfriends, yet I don’t for a minute believe the once a cheater always a cheater line. I’ve never cheated on a woman when I was in love with her. All the cheating came as the relationship was falling apart. It happened when I no longer cared about the relationship. I’ve never felt any moral shame because the cheating was just the first step to moving on.

 

With my last girlfriend I liked her quite a bit but just wasn’t happy. Actually I was miserable at times. I ran into this woman who had been an option before I picked my gf. We got to talking and next thing I know we were making out. We didn’t have sex but there was a lot of serious groping going on. Nothing ever came of it but it did provide the spark to convince myself that I just didn’t want to be with my girlfriend anymore.

 

Know why I dont believe you? The feeling of being in love isnt constant. Maybe you havent been in a really long relationship, but relationships lasting longer than a year tend to have ups and downs.

 

If you stray every time something is wrong in a relationship, you will never be able to be faithful in a LTR. No LTR exists where there arent any downs. There is no such thing as a marriage that is "up" all the time. How people act during their downs in a relationship shows true character

 

If someone is miserable in a relationship all the time you shouldnt be in it obviously. But again, you will never find a LTR where you arent unhappy at least in short bursts some of the time (unless you happen to find a woman that is your doormat)

Edited January 30, 2013 by pbjbear

[ImNotOliver]

Know why I dont believe you? The feeling of being in love isnt constant. Maybe you havent been in a really long relationship, but relationships lasting longer than a year tend to have ups and downs.

 

If you stray every time something is wrong in a relationship, you will never be able to be faithful in a LTR. No LTR exists where there arent any downs. There is no such thing as a marriage that is "up" all the time. How people act during their downs in a relationship shows true character

 

If someone is miserable in a relationship all the time you shouldnt be in it obviously. But again, you will never find a LTR where you arent unhappy at least in short bursts some of the time (unless you happen to find a woman that is your doormat)

 

You’ve got me wrong here. I was married about five years. I had already filed for divorce, had gotten court orders to prevent my ex- from running off with our assets. Technically we were still married but clearly separated. I dated another woman or should I say I hung out with another woman during that period. After the divorce my ex kept insisting that we divorced because I cheated on her with this woman though I never met her until after I had initiated divorce proceedings.

 

With my last girlfriend we were together just short of four years. The first couple of years were pretty good and I thought I could stay with her for the rest of my life. Then somewhere in the third year she started changing. She got to where she didn’t want to kiss or cuddle or have sex except maybe once a month and that dwindled to a stop by the end. She was drinking a lot, like alcoholic type drinking. Everyday I’d come home and she’d be there too drunk to stand up, laying on the couch with the television on. No matter what I did or said she found reasons to complain.

 

At first I kept telling myself that she was just going through something, that she had issues to work out. But it never got better, only worse. She’d yell and scream and bitch at me about things that never happened, and say the meanest things. I tried, I really did try to make it work. But I reached a point where I just couldn’t take it anymore.

[Bryanp]

Why didn't you simply break up with him before and then have sex with someone else? What is the point of cheating behind your boyfriend's back and putting him at risk for STD's because you didn't feel appreciated. It sounds very cruel and immature to me.

[nofool4u]

I’ve cheated on girlfriends, yet I don’t for a minute believe the once a cheater always a cheater line.

 

But you can't blame a woman for being turned off if she found out you have cheated in the past, especially multiple times.

[carhill]

IMO, if/when one has been unfaithful to their primary relationship, they are aware of their own path in such matters and the choices they made to walk that path. As humans have free will and can choose many paths in life, in the person's future, they can make the same choices, or different ones. As 'cheating', or being deceptively unfaithful to one's primary relationship, can take forms far beyond the obvious PIV sex often generalized, the picture of this dynamic widens greatly. I think a MW I know well said it best: 'My boundaries are low'. That's a statement worthy of reflection upon, IMO.

[ImNotOliver]

But you can't blame a woman for being turned off if she found out you have cheated in the past, especially multiple times.

 

It's never been a problem. A woman who would condemn me for my sexual/romantic past is a woman with a problem that I wouldn't want to get involved with in the first place.

[nofool4u]

It's never been a problem. A woman who would condemn me for my sexual/romantic past is a woman with a problem that I wouldn't want to get involved with in the first place.

 

Not talking about a sexual/romantic past. Everyone has one of those.

 

Talking about a pattern of behavior of not being trustworthy.

[pbjbear]

Only time I would overlook a past instance of cheating on a girlfriend/wife

 

1) He was young when it happened (highschool or college)

 

or

 

2) He showed alot of remorse, responsibility and self reflection on what lead to the cheating and why it wont happen again.

 

Very few men dont fail no. 2

 

Last guy I dated who admitted who cheated on his gf was 27 years old and when he told me right before I stopped seeing him "just because I cheated on her doesnt mean Ill cheat on you" I laughed. This was a guy who every single time someone mentioned a guy cheating in some form or fashion, proceeded to make excuses for the guy and to generally act like it was no big deal. Then he wondered why I thought he was untrustworthy...my response was "I have brain cells"

 

I swear, most people in this world are stupid and naiive

[Leigh 87]

I have cheated before...

 

And I WOULD NOT do it again.

 

Cheating is something I am very ashamed of, even though I WAS a mere teenager when I did it.

 

I am NOT the same person I once was.

 

When I was a teenager, I was messed up, I had massive personal issues, and I cheated when i was 16: I was in a relationship when the guy was in love with my friend and was not into me. It was very unhealthy, but it taught me a lot about how to find men that are into me.

The other time I cheated was with my long distance boyfriend at he time when I was 18.

 

I was not in love with the first bf, the one I had at age 16. I was not truly in love with the other long distance boyfriend, either, and I was too young to know what the hell I felt, or what sort of person I wanted to become.

 

.....................................

 

 

I was also a severely damaged individual, who had sex with many different men from age 16 - 18. It is not natural for me to be that way, but I punished my body because i thought i was worthless and did not deserve a guys respect before he screwwwed me.

 

I have had to have therapy and got anorexia from it later on.

..........Does going through personal issues and being a cheater and a bit of a sl*t mean I ALWAYS WILL BE?

 

..........................................

 

 

Sorry, but I have had a guy literally lunge at me and try to touch my boobs! He was hot and the type I would normally hook up with, but I had NO DESIRE to. NONE.

I pushed him away, and stayed well away from him after that.

 

I have NO desire to be irresponsible, and get wasted like hell to the point where I black out and could be taken advantage of!

 

I just cannot see myself ever cheating! I want to live with integrity, I want to LIKE the women I am becoming.

 

I did not like myself when I was a teenager. Or respect myself. Where as now, I have self respect.

[Leigh 87]

I have been with my bf for two years and NEVER want to cheat.. The thought of being intimate with another guy makes me sick.

 

I hate how people assume that what I did when I was a teen, dictates how I go about relationships as a mature ADULT.

[Leigh 87]

But you can't blame a woman for being turned off if she found out you have cheated in the past, especially multiple times.

 

 

 

 

Yes, I would get turned off with a man who had the tendency to cheat, and had done in their adult relationships.

 

However, I would not mind if they cheated as a teen in college or high school, and were now mature adults who had had at least once successfull long term relationship with no cheating.

[veggirl]

It's never been a problem. A woman who would condemn me for my sexual/romantic past is a woman with a problem that I wouldn't want to get involved with in the first place.

 

LOL what dumbass woman would trust you? You just said that instead of breaking up with a woman, you cheat on her. Real classy. Well it's good you warn these women up front that you are a cheater and if things start going sour, that's what you'll be doing. :rolleyes::rolleyes:

[Talak7]

I have cheated before...

 

And I WOULD NOT do it again.

 

Cheating is something I am very ashamed of, even though I WAS a mere teenager when I did it.

 

I am NOT the same person I once was.

 

When I was a teenager, I was messed up, I had massive personal issues, and I cheated when i was 16: I was in a relationship when the guy was in love with my friend and was not into me. It was very unhealthy, but it taught me a lot about how to find men that are into me.

The other time I cheated was with my long distance boyfriend at he time when I was 18.

 

I was not in love with the first bf, the one I had at age 16. I was not truly in love with the other long distance boyfriend, either, and I was too young to know what the hell I felt, or what sort of person I wanted to become.

 

.....................................

 

 

I was also a severely damaged individual, who had sex with many different men from age 16 - 18. It is not natural for me to be that way, but I punished my body because i thought i was worthless and did not deserve a guys respect before he screwwwed me.

 

I have had to have therapy and got anorexia from it later on.

..........Does going through personal issues and being a cheater and a bit of a sl*t mean I ALWAYS WILL BE?

 

..........................................

 

 

Sorry, but I have had a guy literally lunge at me and try to touch my boobs! He was hot and the type I would normally hook up with, but I had NO DESIRE to. NONE.

I pushed him away, and stayed well away from him after that.

 

I have NO desire to be irresponsible, and get wasted like hell to the point where I black out and could be taken advantage of!

 

I just cannot see myself ever cheating! I want to live with integrity, I want to LIKE the women I am becoming.

 

I did not like myself when I was a teenager. Or respect myself. Where as now, I have self respect.

 

Thanks for the great post.

 

I think this best explains a lot of "cheaters"

 

 

I personally cheated on my ex girlfriend of 3 years. She was the nicest thing that ever happened to me. When I reflect on it - we had lots of sex, she was super super hot and super friendly and super nice.....but she was kinda dumb, boring, and I'm an incredible intellectual who gets bored easily....like an akita!

 

Well, I had another very smart (cute) friend for about 5-6 years. I ended up cheating with her...

 

after realizing what I had done, I broke things off with my girlfriend for a month. We got back together for about 2 months and....she cheated on me and broke up with me - I'm guessing she truly did "love" me, and then didn't "love" me after a little cooling period or something.

 

Anyways, I wasn't a teen - I was 22! But it was my first REAL relationship - One where I thought I knew what love was.

 

But then I was getting all these mixed feelings for other girls, and I followed my feelings - thinking that "Yes, follow your heart!" - you know, the movies where the lover is the true love of their life and bla bla...

 

well, I realized my heart = My dick. But maybe my dick was a lot smarter than I could've thought...?

I took this away from it all - 'The girl I cheated on was never the friend I needed, and the girl I cheated with was never the lover I needed. Instead of being a co-dependent bitch, I should find someone who truly fits me"

 

 

From then - I've also learned that a lot of people are going to have sexual fantasies outside their relationships. To be honest - I'm ALWAYS going to get totally turned on by certain types of woman strolling around me...It's always going to happen.

 

But now I have the maturity to realize that you shouldn't just follow your feelings, because your "feelings" is likely just biology going "LETS REPRODUCE!!". And if you have TRUE feelings past your dick for someone else that need to be taken care of, you need to be willing to sacrifice what you have in order to go for it.

 

I'll never cheat again - Though I'm sure I'll have the desire (and ability) to. That being said, I don't think I'll be in a relationship until I find someone I truly care for - and I think many cheaters end up in my position where they are trying to figure out their feelings and they are with someone that isn't truly right for them.

 

 

Once a cheater always a cheater? Stfu already. That's just stupid 15 year old drama talk. People make mistakes and learn from them. Other people don't even see them as mistakes, and yet others (see saudi guys at my school) will hold a phone out of a girl telling a guy to come over to his friends and they all laugh and make fun of her and lead her on and then bang some other girl.

 

Has there ever been a one-size-fits-all rule for life?

no.

[Talak7]

Sorry, even if a cheater can change, which I don't believe they do 100%, I'm not going to take my chances with them..whether they cheated on me or I know they have cheated on someone else.

 

 

 

No, to me cheaters are just fickle. They like the variety of screwing different people. And that being the case, why the F do they enter committed relationships?

Except that your main argument is that all cheaters love screwing lots of random people. Which is just absurd - especially if you read or listen to why people have or havn't had experiences cheating in the past.

 

In 9 years imnotoliver cheats twice - Both at the tail end of what he describes as "terrible" to him. It's pretty apparent that such moves may have been ordered differently, but hes not serially dating people and serially banging other people...

 

 

 

 

Well of course he did. It worked, he got what he wanted.

 

 

Well, agree with you here. That's an easy call

 

 

 

But you believe cheating(and yes, it is justifying it) comes from unhappiness in the relationship. So you have no thoughts of cheating NOW. But what about if you feel not every little need of yours is being met later?

 

 

 

Well, even though you said you have no thoughts of infidelity, I'm sure many cheaters felt that way initially when given a 2nd chance.

 

I'm afraid you'll get the itch sooner or later.

 

Okay Pause...

 

I have to make a distinction. It seems that based on your other posts that you these kind of rules are universal.

 

I agree with you that if you cheat in a relationship you will likely have the desire to cheat again during that same relationship. However, you can definitely choose NOT to cheat. It's easy. By recognizing what your feelings REALLY are (Lust,, unhappiness, etc..) and then acting accordingly (Lust = find your bf, unhappiness=talk to your bf, etc....)

 

However, if it's not the same relationship,

 

I can't understand this thought process at all.

 

To me, if your judging someone because they cheated in the past and they are actually honest enough to tell you because they legitimately like you enough to put themselves out there, make themselves vulnerable, and fight a stereotype they KNOW exists because they want you to understand that you are a REAL interest for them....

[KathyM]

I don't think there's one blanket type of person who cheats. Some may have a sense of entitlement and want all the perks that marriage or a committed relationship provides while still trying to lead a single lifestyle behind their spouse's/SO's back. For those, the once a cheater always a cheater would apply. I've known a few of those types IRL, although have never been involved romantically with one. Then there are those who are very "needy", who are prone to falling for someone that says all the right things to feed what that person needs to hear. Those are prone to cheat again when they come across someone who fills that need that they have. Then there are those who go down that road of infidelity and realize later how stupid it all was, how much they risked losing, and they would never consider taking that kind of risk again or hurting their spouse/SO in that way again. Those types would not fall into the "once a cheater, always a cheater" category. I do believe there are people who honestly learn from their mistakes and realize how harmful and destructive that path was for them and their family, and would never consider going down that road again.