Strength for the Journey... Just venting

[Gibson_Girl]

I found this site by sheer accident and have been hooked on it since my discovery. 'Hooked' because it seems nearly everyone in this particular forum has run the same emotional gamut that I'm running. However, my strength for the run is depleting quickly.

 

I've been in an A for a while now and we're both M. Things have been happening lately that seem to stall any chance of us both moving forward with our lives. I hope to be out of my M NLT this summer/ fall due to financial issues. His end is nowhere in sight, also for financial reasons. Add in deep depression, financial hardships, long distance and lately, little communication other than email.

 

He suffers from depression and I've battled it for many years but don't get as down and stay down like he does. He says he wants to be with me for good but "fears his past may steal his future."

He has told his W he wants to divorce but she won't hear of it and he caves.

I've powered through nearly 20 years of more lows than highs and once I made my mind up to get out, I began planning.

 

 

I love this man dearly and being apart from him leaves me feeling lonely and aching for his companionship, conversation and the joys of having him as my best friend. He says he feels the same and I've chosen to believe that.

However, since there is foreseeable end in sight for him, I debate with myself to stay or go. My heart says "stay" and my mind tells me "You should've known better". And I did know, but it feels so... RIGHT, so I threw caution to the wind and plummeted head-first down this rabbit hole to hell that is my emotional roller coaster.

 

I wake up in the morning and think "today's the day I will end this" and then I don't. Why? Because I truly adore this man, with my whole heart. Then, on the days I'm particularly frustrated by his seemingly lack of motivation to make a change, I wish I'd never taken that plunge.

 

There's a very good reason why A's shouldn't happen, #1 We aren't wired to "share".

 

So my question in this whole rambling, proverbial drunken walk around my story is, am I weak for staying or weak for leaving? Am I strong for staying or will strength manifest when I need to go? I DON'T WANT TO GO, but the waiting is so difficult. He's got all he can say grace over just to make it each day. I want to live and not think my life is doomed because of past decisions. Dont we write our history daily in the decisions we make now? I plan to live.

[stevie_23]

It's not about being weak in any way, no matter what choice you eventually make (or have made FOR you).

 

It all depends how much, and in what way, you want to be happy.

 

Are you happy MOSTLY in this A? If not, that's something to think about obviously. Are the good times WORTH the bad? If not, and you still choose to stay, it doesn't make you weak. It just means you can't imagine feeling AS happy without him as you currently feel WHEN you are happy with him.

 

If you DO decide to leave him, this isn't showing any weakness either. It just means you would decide you'd be happier without having to wait, potentially forever, for someone you may never really have.

[Gibson_Girl]

Thanks for your reply! I see we have similar tastes in music.

 

I was extremely happy for the first seven months because I could taste the future, if you know what I mean. I had hope of finally FINALLY being happy and being loved in return. Then changes in circumstances occurred and our daily lives apart from one another began to change, the holidays rolled around and the loneliness ensued...

 

I feel great when we talk, it's like we've not been apart; when it's time to hang up reality sets in. I'm scared he's going to let his circumstances keep him down and we never have a shot.

 

Weakness or strength isn't an issue I suppose, it's how close to the brink I'm willing to go before I fall over the edge either to my destruction or to my happiness.

[jwi71]

His end is nowhere in sight

 

He has told his W he wants to divorce but she won't hear of it and he caves.

 

From the outside looking in and without knowing anything other than what you say...his end is nowhere in sight because he doesn't want it to end.

 

Otherwise...he would be D.

 

So my question in this whole rambling, proverbial drunken walk around my story is, am I weak for staying or weak for leaving?

 

I think the question is more about do you want to continue to be the OW?

 

He doesn't appear to truly want out.

I mean, who says "I want out" and upon hearing the other's tearful pleas says "Well, ok, you convinced me" and stays.

 

That's just being an azzhole.

 

Am I strong for staying or will strength manifest when I need to go? I DON'T WANT TO GO, but the waiting is so difficult.

 

Only you can make that decision - however, based on what you write - he made HIS.

Shouldn't that be telling you something?

[veryhappy]

There is no waiting for you to wait. All he's offering you is settling for an A. If he politely asked his wife for permission to divorce and he's staying because she's not having it, the game is over. You can wait a million lives, all you would be waiting for is that she throws him out. Men like him do not leave and try to string along their OW because they are too coward to choose just one path and follow through. He's already stringing you along,because he knows deep inside that the past will keep him where he is. You are a nice fantasy.

 

You don't want to share. Good. You shouldn't. It will take strength to leave, but it is your only option. He'll try to reel you back in repeatedly, so you'll need to know you are done and being out of the A is more important than anything that you'll miss about him.

Edited January 29, 2013 by cutedragon

[Gibson_Girl]

I don't know if you're weak or not. I do think you are chasing a fantasy and that doesn't sound like something a strong, realistic person would do.

 

It sounds like you have build this sad depressed weak man up to god like status in your head. I seriously doubt that he even asked his wife for a divorce. His wife won't hear of it? LOL. Okay..well if he needs his wife's permission to leave it looks like he won't be going anywhere.

 

You say you were happy in the beginning because you thought this relationship had a future and you were FINALLY going to be happy.Maybe you should explore that. Why do you think your happiness lies in getting a particular man? Have you spent your whole life waiting for a knight in shining armor to take you away and you thought this MM was the one? Personally I couldn't see banking my happiness on getting some married guy who is cheating on his wife and who I don't even see but only communicate with through emails. Sounds like trying to make a meal out of crumbs to me.

 

I think a lot of people make the mistake of believing that everything will be right in their world if they could just get the guy/girl that they desperately long for. Pining and longing and believing that someone else holds the key to your happiness is just a way to avoid real life and doing the work that you need to do to make yourself happy. If you are looking at leaving your marriage in the near future then you have a lot on your plate. I don't know how dependant you are on your husband or if you have kids, but I imagine that you have a lot to figure out in regards to finances, living arrangements and parenting. If you do have kids and you are divorcing then you need to be 100% emotionally present for your children in helping them adjust. Not living in some lala fantasy land in your head, waiting with baited breath for this sad depressed married guy to come and finally make you happy. He doesn't sound like he knows how to make himself happy much less anyone else.

 

I have no grandiose ideas that it would be a fairy tale, on the contrary, it would be difficult.

 

Honestly, I wish we'd remained friends and hadn't chosen to give in to what I knew would be a long, hard road.Turns out, that road is MUCH harder and longer than I'd ever dreamed.

 

I've never had an A before but due to the history we had together, the commonalities and yes, differences, we just clicked and the feelings became more intense a time went by.

 

His W discovered our friendship and demanded he cut off all contact. He'd been telling her, or so he said, that he wanted a D but she flipped out and yes, wouldn't agree to it and due to financial issues it wasn't feasible to go headlong into divorce.

I thought it was cowardice that kept him there but, he had a conscience I suppose or had a little too much "cake" and was hooked on the sugar high.

 

(*on a side note, I think the whole cake/ eating it thing is silly; who doesn't want cake and eat it? Who gets cake to look at it!)

 

I thought it was a prime time to leave, but his reasons seemed perfectly logical to me since I am in a similar situation financially.

What makes me tend to agree with you a little is that he never actively talked about D but talked often about plans with me and our future.

 

Maybe I did build it up since it was the first time in two decades that I felt loved and important to someone and more importantly, I was/ am in love with my friend. I've never had that.

He is sad, depressed and on the brink of a major meltdown. But in spite of that, I've hung in there trying to be supportive. I'm not sure I've received the same support in return but these days, his days are 20 Times harder than mine due to work issues, or lack thereof.

 

I never thought of him as a knight in shining armor, more like a jester in a foil hat and I found it endearing that he wasn't putting on a show, he was being himself which, in turn, allowed me to be myself.

 

No, I don't want to be the OW, it makes me feel low- class when I hear nasty names for people "like me". I didn't set out to hurt anyone, he was adamant his marriage as over and I know mine is, it's just a matter of finance now.

 

He's stated he wants me in his life for good and doesn't want to lose me. But l have an ever-increasing feeling he's pulling back due to his situation and it's everything he can do to stay focused and not worry about things we know we can't change right now. For example, when I've had a rough day I want to get a hug because sometimes a hug can make everything fade even for a moment. We are LD so there's no physical way possible to get the embrace and he said it is painful to think about it so he pushes it aside so he doesn't freak out.

[Gibson_Girl]

There is no waiting for you to wait. All he's offering you is settling for an A. If he politely asked his wife for permission to divorce and he's staying because she's not having it, the game is over. You can wait a million lives, all you would be waiting for is that she throws him out. Men like him do not leave and try to string along their OW because they are too coward to choose just one path and follow through. He's already stringing you along,because he knows deep inside that the past will keep him where he is. You are a nice fantasy.

 

You don't want to share. Good. You shouldn't. It will take strength to leave, but it is your only option. He'll try to reel you back in repeatedly, so you'll need to know you are done and being out of the A is more important than anything that you'll miss about him.

 

 

It does sound like he knows it will never work because he's mentioned feeing trapped by his decisions in his M. I know all the reasons why he doesn't leave and I get it, mostly. He's in a huge transition period and no where to land should he leave. The fallout would be massive financially. I won't get specific, but my thoughts are if the current pattern isn't sustainable as it is, leaving isn't going to make that much difference: there will be huge fallout either way. He has a child we must think of as well.

 

I have tried to broach the subject of taking a break but it truly isn't what I want, but for my mental health I think we should. He's pulling away due to depression and circumstances and doesn't seem to draw comfort from me although he says he does.

It's like a drug, it really is. It would be a no-brainer about whether we were together under different circumstances.

[Gibson_Girl]

I forgot to mention that he doesn't want to end us but does admit it adds stress to both our lives. As I mentioned, I brought it up on three occasions now and he squashed it pronto.

 

I haven't left because I'm afraid if I let go I'll lose him, not that he was ever Mine anyway, but I'm afraid I'll lose me too...

 

Same story as everyone else, just different players. To anyone that asks, I wouldn't wish this pain on a single soul. Before the A, I'd think someone to be a dumb $#¿¥ for staying in something like this. Now that I'm here, I get it, but still think, "you dumb $#¿¥"