What is wrong with me?

[etrox]

Okay, so I'm a 22 year old male. And so far I've been a total loser all my life.

 

When I was young at school, I got bullied alot. It started in primary school allready. A time where a kid should had alot of fun, have friends etc... I am the sort of kid who got beaten by his Stepdad, bullied at school. The kid who was standing alone on the play ground of the school. Since I didn't have alot of friends, I was allways playing on a gaming console, Playstation, gameboy,... Those things we're my "exit points". My real father wasn't an example for me. Every weekend I went to my father, all he did was drinking, smoking and breaking things. He had a nervous disease wich caused him to have anger attacks. Embarassing himself and I in public areas, visiting pubs all the time. I didn't have a dad role to look up to. Didn't care about me, and let me do everything I wanted. Wich made me a spoiled brat, and an addict for it.. Since I'm anonymous on the internet, I can also admit he did sexually harras me when I was a little kid.

 

After my primary school, I moved with my mom to another city. On that same time, my parents broke up. and I lived with my mom and my little brother who had light form of autism. (My step father turned out to have a heavy form of it). Sadly at my new school I also didn't fit in. I did have friends, but school friends. I didn't see them after school, all we did talk about was video games. In class I was mostly the kid who was made fun of. I was a weird kid, without outside friends. Around that time I did have a ****ty and shy personality. I was the quiet one, who tought shutting his mouth was the best thing I could do. my only solution was going on the computer to play. As time went by I had to move to another school. Playing on the computer, caused me to fail my tests and I had to change my direction. All things became even worse.

 

I was on my first day at the school, and I allready got laughed at, have bubblegum in my hair. I was oftenly pushed around, and I was too scared to say or do a thing. I got beaten when I dared to open my mouth, I ain't a tough guy so I couldn't do anything. I was shy, had a low self esteem, ugly. All the worse combination someone could have I had it. And even teachers didn't do anything about it, guys from other classes also started participating in bullying because I was an easy target. This went on for 2 years. I did make friends in that school wich I saw outside school. They we're a bit like me... Weird, or not fitting in any groups. Every day having the fear of going to school. Disliking school. I had to go to a shrink alot of times, and finally I got into a psychiatric institution for a whole year. When I came back to school things went a little bit better. I still didn't made much friends, but atleast it wasn't as hard as before. My father died shortly after, and I downgraded to an easy direction at school since I neglected my studies (still causing by the addiction I had for videogames). Those 2 last years, were the first 2 I actually had fun in it. I had fun classmates, I finally made some friends wich one became my best friend till now.

 

This is a short version of what I've been trough during my school time.

After my school time, I worked for a full year in a store. After I quitted my job I started lifting and wanted to join the army, wich allways have been a dream of me. I trained for 8 months, even in the gym I had almost no contact with others. And my games were still my exit points in my free time. then I met a girl who actually took me for who I was. No one did something like that for me. She did find me ugly, unattractive, boring. It's like the dagger in my heart wasn't enough, she actually had to twist it and point me on the facts I did was ugly, shy and had a low self esteem. But she eventually became my girlfriend. I tought she was the one, she was my first real love. I was unexperienced in relationships. I quitted training to spend more time with her. Sadly the story didn't last long, after 2 months she saw I was boring, had very few friends, she lost her feelings for me. Even tough I did everything I could for her. But it didn't worked out. I am just that same shy, boring and low esteem guy I was before.

 

I am afraid to talk to people. I did took a couple of attempts to talk to people. To get to know them, make friends. But it doesn't go far. I get to know their name and some general question I ask. But thats it. The next time I meet them, will be only a greeting, nothing more. Constantly I feel lonely, I even went to parties with the few friends I have to try and get others to know. But I'm always left empty handed. The few friends I have are boys, girls I cant even think about it.

I'm very lucky I have my best friend. He helped me alot, knows this whole story detailed. But I'm jealous of him. He has so many friends, can get so many girls. And I just can't figure out how. He has a high self esteem, and can easily talk to strangers. Get their phone number, make friends and even relationships. When I talk to people, I just run out of topics to talk about. And if you have a boring life like I do, who did nothing more then playing videogames. People don't want to hang out with someone like me. I am socially behind others. I can never think of anything interesting to say.

 

I want my life to get stabilized. To have real friends, to be happy. To actually have someone ask me, "hey, wanna hang out?" "Anything to do this weekend?" I understand staying home, behind my computer wont solve anything. But I did made attempts, and they failed. I've had hobby's and also left me empty handed.

I must be doing wrong, I can't blame the whole world. That's just absurb.

I'm currently waiting for my approval for the army. I did pass the tests so I only need to wait till there's place for me to get in.

Even tough I did pass the tests, I don't feel ready for the social approvement there.

My parents want me to start living on my own. I do want to, but I'm so scared I will just end up being lonely in my appartement without anyone.

 

 

I am ugly/shy have a low self esteem. This is the worst combination ever. I need advice. Advice to make friends, and the importantest of all to keep them. It is very hard for me, since I've been bullied alot, my personality is weak.

 

 

ps: I'd like to point out i'm not that good at english. I'm sorry for the poor grammar and the long story, but I think I had to tell it for you guys to understand my position. And I'd like to thank you in advance for the advice I get!

 

And please, I'm sorry if I look like I'm whining about everything. But I just can't keep going like this anymore.

Edited January 29, 2013 by etrox

[etrox]

Sadly, I don't really believe in any religion. I'm looking for a more rational solution. Altough I'm very happy you replied on this topic!

[stevie_23]

Ok, first of all, you’re not a loser.

 

Of everything you’ve said, nothing suggests YOU are a loser or are at fault here, at least not initially.

 

You were bullied in school? That sucks but it’s not YOUR fault or responsibility for other people’s inappropriate actions based on their own insecurity and mental issues. You were hurt and mistreated by your step-dad and your own dad didn’t seem to care much and had problems too. Again, none of this reflects badly on YOU. And the sexual stuff…well, that’s just terrible and I’m so sorry this happened to you. Kids are NEVER at fault in terms of the treatment they receive from their parents or any adult.

 

The fact you retreated and used your games as an escape is totally understandable. It seems like, based on what you said about being quiet and weird at school and not doing so well academically due to playing games all the time, that you leant on this form of escapism heavily to deal with the other stuff that had happened in your life. You didn’t know how to lift yourself out of it and become happier and more outwardly directed, if you know what I mean. Not so withdrawn and in your own private world.

 

That girl you had feelings for…I’m confused. You say she took you for who you were, but then in the next sentence you say she called you ugly and boring? How is that taking you for who you were?? It’s terrible. It’s also a form of bullying in my opinion. Sometimes if you’ve been bullied your whole life (by your step-dad, your dad, kids at school), you then just learn to accept this kind of behaviour and anything not QUITE as bad as bullying you view as acceptable and good. So this girl “liked” you and that made you happy and feel better about yourself, but then she treated you badly. I’m actually also baffled by the fact that she must’ve had HUGELY low self esteem to want to be with someone she thought of as ugly and boring! That says more about her than about you, you know?

 

Girl – You suck. You’re ugly, boring and I feel I’m better than you as a person.

 

Guy – Ok. *sigh*

 

Girl – But I’ll be your girlfriend anyway.

 

This says NOTHING about the guy, and EVERYTHING about the girl. If SHE thought of you like that, then fine. That’s her choice and perception. It doesn’t make it FACT.

 

I have a bit of a similar thing to you in that I don’t really talk to people much. I find it awkward. I’ve got a few friends but they’re all friends of my best friend, who I’ve been friends with for 20 years. I don’t really make new friends easily myself, but I don’t have a problem with that. I don’t feel lonely in that regard. But if you do, and you want friends or a partner, try to focus on YOU first. What are your interests? Any passions? Hobbies? Try to meet people with similar interests and then just try to be yourself, even if that seems too quiet or “boring” in your opinion. There is always SOMEONE who will find someone else appealing, no matter how UN-appealing they may appear. And I’m sure you’re not un-appealing.

 

It’s much easier for people to be naturally drawn to you if you don’t come across as someone who is needing friends or a partner simply so they’re not alone. It’s easier for people to like you if you exude a bit of natural, understated confidence. Even if you think you suck and can’t do anything well, if you just feel that you deserve to be on this earth as much as the next human being, and that you have SOME good qualities that someone will appreciate, that’s all good.

 

The statement you made “I am ugly / shy and have low self esteem”. The only truth in this statement is the low self esteem part. You’re not ugly to everyone, even if you are to yourself and probably some others too. Nobody is liked or considered appealing by everyone. Everything is subjective depending on individual perception, and that’s ok. The only person whose opinion of you matters is yourself, and those you choose to let into your life in a meaningful way. Those who WANT to be there. And there will be those people. It just takes time. You’re still young, you know. You’re only just beginning.

 

In my opinion, the only loserish quality you have is calling yourself a loser!