Being nice or being a doormat?

[Rebecca( Tony, please help!)]

Tony,

 

Thank you for your response to my previous post. It helps a lot clarify some tangled ideas in my chest. Now here goes another question I would like to ask.

 

How to tell someone being nice from being a doormat?

 

My story goes like this:

 

1. Sharing is the most beautiful part of human nature. I wouldn't mind sharing what I have with those I love. I want to share. Just like Juliet says once, "the more I gave, the more I have."

 

So, in the past when my ex-boyfriend came to my place to have dinner, say twice a week, I used to prepare all the stuff and pay the bills. We used to go to movies or to see a play, since I bought the tickets in advance, it usually turned out I paid them all. At that time I got a scholarship, and I thought maybe I was a little better off than he so it was ok to me. (We are both graduate students, aged 27. I come from Taiwan and now study in Japan. he is a Japanese guy.)

 

2. I believe Love should be as deep as the ocean. I used to let go of some petty things.

 

3. I believe that deeds speak louder than words. So although I did a lot for him, I seldom made them known. I just wish he could just notice a little bit&

 

And, guess what? He left me at a time I needed him most, saying he was attracted to someone more passionate all out of a sudden. (This happened in the end of this Jan..) We had a good time for these two years, traveling a lot and experiencing a lot. We used to speak on the phone every night, for one or two hours. I know it is totally insane to grief like this, but I can't help weeping and keep wondering how come&

 

Am I way too nice? Am I a sick person? Am I dreaming in this cruel world?

 

Is this a low self-esteem issue?

 

What's the boundary between being nice and being a doormat?

 

I don't want to be mean to anyone in the world.

 

Please help! And thanks for your kindness and precious time!

[Tony T]

1. Am I way too nice?

 

No, you seem to be very sincere and have a sincere desire to be kind and show respect to everyone. You are open with your feelings and genuinely kindhearted. Much of this is cultural. People from your culture are typically nice and respectful...that's the way you are brought up. Morals, principals, respect for authority, kindness, courtesy, generosity, etc. seem to have gradually gotten lost in other cultures in the past 30 years or so. There are individual exceptions, of course. But years ago, there was courtesy on the highways, not road rage and murder. People weren't so selfish and into themselves.

 

Unfortunately, many people are not so nice as you. Because they aren't that way themselves, they are suspicious of people who are...suspicious of their motives. Still others have low self-esteem and feel unworthy of being treated kindly. They are more at home with someone who treats them with inconsideration and disrespect.

 

There are still others who do not consider kind and sincere people to be a challenge. Young people especially like a challenge...they don't seem to be as attracted to people who are sweet, nice, available and don't play games. These people fall more for those who give them a hard time. It is very sick but that's just the way it is. As a matter of fact, it is downright insane...and there are many crazy people roaming the earth. Very sincere and kind people often don't understand this concept so they keep getting hurt because they are far outnumbered by crazy people.

 

2. Am I a sick person? I don't know, do you have a temperature?

 

3. Am I dreaming in this cruel world?

 

You are dreaming if you think reality is going to be other than it is. If you are to survive in the modern world you are going to have to change a bit, hold back on your kindness until people prove themselves, not be so consistently nice or predictable. You can be nice without overdoing it. You must learn to look out for yourself...if you don't nobody else will. You need to be a challenge to men, be unpredictable, be aloof, seem a bit indifferent. Even though this is against your nature, it's a bit of a game you need to play sometimes initially to get the ball rolling with a relationship.

 

4. Is this a low self-esteem issue?

 

It can be. And it can be the opposite. Some people who are too nice do so because they feel they must in order to get people to like them. This is because they have low self esteem. They are overly kind and overly generous because they think that if they aren't, people won't like them or be attracted to them. However, this behavior generally has the opposite effect, people are often driven away for reasons I stated above.

 

You shouldn't have to change yourself for the right person. But you are going to have to learn some moderation. It's a cruel world out there. One day, however, you will meet someone who will absolutely appreciate the person you are and love you all the more for it. That person will be sane and rational. Happy hunting on that one.

 

People with healthy self esteem are themselves. They are genuine and treat all people with kindness and respect, but they don't take any crap either. (See below)

 

5. What's the boundary between being nice and being a doormat?

 

Being a doormat means you let people take advantage of you, walk all over you, use you for their selfish purposes...for sex, for doing favors for them, etc. You have to be assertive...or create boundaries...and not allow yourself to be a doormat...not allow yourself to be used or taken advantage of. Many people who are sick, and there are lots of them, mistake kindness of weakness and they will absolutely take advantage of your generosity and availability. Having good boundaries means being kind and nice but NOT allowing yourself to get stepped on.

[Deejette]

This man was not worthy of you. You are a kind and generous soul that believes that love is sharing. But he dropped you for someone else because he did not appreciate the love you were offering him.

 

Don't worry, this man was not right for you and it is good you found this out before you married him. Real love takes time to find. Don't give up being giving and kind just because you may think some people will treat you like a doormat. If they do, it is time to say goodbye to them, because they do not understand the difference between love and lust.

1. Am I way too nice? No, you seem to be very sincere and have a sincere desire to be kind and show respect to everyone. You are open with your feelings and genuinely kindhearted. Much of this is cultural. People from your culture are typically nice and respectful...that's the way you are brought up. Morals, principals, respect for authority, kindness, courtesy, generosity, etc. seem to have gradually gotten lost in other cultures in the past 30 years or so. There are individual exceptions, of course. But years ago, there was courtesy on the highways, not road rage and murder. People weren't so selfish and into themselves. Unfortunately, many people are not so nice as you. Because they aren't that way themselves, they are suspicious of people who are...suspicious of their motives. Still others have low self-esteem and feel unworthy of being treated kindly. They are more at home with someone who treats them with inconsideration and disrespect. There are still others who do not consider kind and sincere people to be a challenge. Young people especially like a challenge...they don't seem to be as attracted to people who are sweet, nice, available and don't play games. These people fall more for those who give them a hard time. It is very sick but that's just the way it is. As a matter of fact, it is downright insane...and there are many crazy people roaming the earth. Very sincere and kind people often don't understand this concept so they keep getting hurt because they are far outnumbered by crazy people. 2. Am I a sick person? I don't know, do you have a temperature? 3. Am I dreaming in this cruel world? You are dreaming if you think reality is going to be other than it is. If you are to survive in the modern world you are going to have to change a bit, hold back on your kindness until people prove themselves, not be so consistently nice or predictable. You can be nice without overdoing it. You must learn to look out for yourself...if you don't nobody else will. You need to be a challenge to men, be unpredictable, be aloof, seem a bit indifferent. Even though this is against your nature, it's a bit of a game you need to play sometimes initially to get the ball rolling with a relationship. 4. Is this a low self-esteem issue? It can be. And it can be the opposite. Some people who are too nice do so because they feel they must in order to get people to like them. This is because they have low self esteem. They are overly kind and overly generous because they think that if they aren't, people won't like them or be attracted to them. However, this behavior generally has the opposite effect, people are often driven away for reasons I stated above.

 

You shouldn't have to change yourself for the right person. But you are going to have to learn some moderation. It's a cruel world out there. One day, however, you will meet someone who will absolutely appreciate the person you are and love you all the more for it. That person will be sane and rational. Happy hunting on that one. People with healthy self esteem are themselves. They are genuine and treat all people with kindness and respect, but they don't take any crap either. (See below) 5. What's the boundary between being nice and being a doormat? Being a doormat means you let people take advantage of you, walk all over you, use you for their selfish purposes...for sex, for doing favors for them, etc. You have to be assertive...or create boundaries...and not allow yourself to be a doormat...not allow yourself to be used or taken advantage of. Many people who are sick, and there are lots of them, mistake kindness of weakness and they will absolutely take advantage of your generosity and availability. Having good boundaries means being kind and nice but NOT allowing yourself to get stepped on.