T - mac Posted January 29, 2013 Share Posted January 29, 2013 I've known this girl for about 3 years now, we've been the closes friends either one of us have for 2 years now, and I have liked her ever since day one. She liked me too at one point, but we never did anything about it. almost 2 years later, and I couldnt bare it anymore, i told her how i felt. She was pretty shocked, understandably, but we talked about it, and she said she isnt ready for a relationship right now but she loves me and would maybe marry me some day... now what the **** does that mean? I constantly go back and forth between wondering if its possible she doesnt like me to thinking that theres no way she ever will like me as more than a friend. And the closer we become, the more i cant stand being just friends. She is the best friend i have and i dont want to lose that, but at the same time I just wish i could stop talking to her for a year or so and finally move on! but I feel like that would be a selfish thing to do. almost like committing suicide. And i still believe very strongly that there is a way i could make something happen, i just need to play it right, the problem is i just dont know how to do that. but hopefully someone on here has some insight into this situation, something has got to change soon i cant take this anymore its driving me nuts. Link to post Share on other sites
Author T - mac Posted January 29, 2013 Author Share Posted January 29, 2013 Also, im 21, she is 19 living with her parents. I live with my grandmother about 100 miles south of her. I have had to take the last year off from college to search for a job and have gotten only 1 interview and 0 jobs since then. I am still very actively searching for work, but I have the opportunity to work up where she lives because she put a good word in for me with her boss. Her parents also said I am welcome to come live with them, and she has been pressuring me to do so also. I am extremely temped to do this, especially considering my current financial situation. If I was in any other position, I would think this would be a terrible idea, since it means putting college off for even longer, but I need work now in order to get back into school. but yes this probably is a terrible idea, I would be very happy there, but if she starts dating someone else I know things will go south very quickly. I wish i could say it wouldnt but i know what would happen. And that might be inevitable, so the logical thing would be to cut off my relationship with her right away, get over her, find someone else, and then try and be friends at that point? What do you guys think? does that make sense? Please I am walking around all day collecting job apps and other things trying not to think about her but its completely consuming my thoughts, making me slightly depressed, and making it really hard to focus on the things i need to get done to progress in life. She is the best and worst thing to ever happen to me, talk about bittersweet... Link to post Share on other sites
WordvAction Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 Please save yourself the months of torture and what-if's and just distance yourself. And no, it's not selfish, it's actually the complete opposite of selfish. You're sparing yourself emotional torture in order to find someone who will actually like you. That will put you in a better mood than the constant high-lows that you're feeling now, and those around you will be in a better mood because you are cheerful. Whereas, you committing yourself to one girl emotionally, your detaching yourself from the real world, and committing yourself only to this one person for the emotional high that she gives you. You analogy in your post was suicide; I'd say a better analogy is right now you are addicted to this drug called "unrequited love". By continuing to use this, you are affecting everyone around you. Stop being selfish and get off this drug. Link to post Share on other sites
Author T - mac Posted January 31, 2013 Author Share Posted January 31, 2013 Thank you so much. That may be the piece of advice that I've needed for the past year or so. I just didn't know if it was the right thing to do or not. And the only reason it has been so hard this time around is that I have actually been through this exact same thing before, but the last time the girl actually came around and realized she liked me. But granted, it was only after I distanced myself from her and met up with her again a year later. I can't expect that to happen again though. I don't know what it is in me, but something makes me want to tell her: "I'm sorry but I can't be your friend anymore." I'm guessing that would be a bad idea though wouldn't it... Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 Thank you so much. That may be the piece of advice that I've needed for the past year or so. I just didn't know if it was the right thing to do or not. And the only reason it has been so hard this time around is that I have actually been through this exact same thing before, but the last time the girl actually came around and realized she liked me. But granted, it was only after I distanced myself from her and met up with her again a year later. I can't expect that to happen again though. I don't know what it is in me, but something makes me want to tell her: "I'm sorry but I can't be your friend anymore." I'm guessing that would be a bad idea though wouldn't it... no, actually, it's the best idea you've had so far. Excellent. And highly advisable. Look, I'll explain: she said she isnt ready for a relationship right now but she loves me and would maybe marry me some day... now what the **** does that mean? It means: "Hmmm, you're quite a nice guy. Mr 'Play it safe' and uber-dependable. But you know what? I need to have some fun, let my hair down, meet new people, see new places, experience new things. Hang around buddy, while I do all that, then we'll see about 'settling down'." Now, there's nothing wrong with her wanting to do all that. Hell, I wish I'd damn well done it, myself! What IS wrong, is to keep you tied to the hopeful-post while she goes ahead and does it. You need to read The No Contact Guide (updated 2013) in my signature. The first post is the Guide itself. Other posts in the thread itself, warn against the dangers of remaining in the 'just good friends' zone. Bad idea. Bad. B.A.D. Please read it, put it to use and go with it 100%. It only works 100% if you do. And read my signature. From her PoV, it just about covers this one, I think..... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ashlyn Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 I'm going through a situation with my guy friend where I wish I would have distanced myself a couple months ago because of our situation. (It's easier said than done). You both are pretty young so if you do distance yourself it may be a test that brings you together. Link to post Share on other sites
Author T - mac Posted January 31, 2013 Author Share Posted January 31, 2013 Ok I'm going to do it. But there's just one more thing before I do. Over a year ago, I got a DUI. I've been working through it and decided to go to treatment for 2 years and "admit" that I am an alcoholic in order to get it off my record through the deferred prosecution program. I entered into some hard times financially a couple months ago, and I owed a lot of money to the program(over $1000). Her parents offered to pay it off for me, and I had no choice but to accept. They didn't say explicitly that they wanted me to pay them back, but they did imply it. And I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I didn't. So how do I pay back her parents without having them ask me why I don't ever talk to their daughter anymore? Or how do I explain to them why(if at all) Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 You don't owe anyone an explanation. But you owe them money. Simply post them a cheque or money order, and say "here's the money I owe you. many thanks for the loan, I really appreciated it." Why would you need to say more? And TbH, they shouldn't expect it.... The money you borrowed form them comes under the heading of 'Business Financial transactions'. Not "money I borrowed while I dated your daughter." Don't make the mistake of believing that the two are inexorably linked. Link to post Share on other sites
Ashlyn Posted February 1, 2013 Share Posted February 1, 2013 Tara maiden is right. You don't owe them an explanation. The easiest solution would be to mail them a check or money order or several and send a thank you card to let them know you appreciated their help during that tough time. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Phateless Posted February 1, 2013 Share Posted February 1, 2013 Just tell her that if you can't be with her you need space to get over her. she might give you space but there's always the chance she comes after you to date you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author T - mac Posted February 13, 2013 Author Share Posted February 13, 2013 Well, its been 2 weeks now since I've talked to her, and I'm doing really good. I've gotten 2 job interviews, which I haven't had any of in the past 8 months. And I have been more able to focus on the important things in my life without having her on my mind all the time and stressing over our relationship. However, she has been texting me lately wondering why I'm not talking to her(I have deleted her from my phone though). I told her last night that I would call her today. I'm just trying to figure out how I should tell her that I can't have her in my life right now. I want to be as nice as possible here, even though shes going to be really pissed either way. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted February 13, 2013 Share Posted February 13, 2013 The whole point of No Contact is that you neither make contact, nor respond to it. I suggest you merely text her and explain "I'm in No Contact and will be for the foreseeable future. Please respect that, and don't contact me any more." Honestly, if you engage in a discussion, whatever she says will yank your chain and set you wondering, second-guessing and reading between the lines - even if that is no way her intention at all. Please maintain NC. Don't open the flood-gates. truly, at this crucial stage of your life, the last thing you need is an ex-complication-situation rearing its head.... Edit to add: Remember the 'automatic response' to texts, mentioned in the NC Guide. If necessary, use it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author T - mac Posted February 13, 2013 Author Share Posted February 13, 2013 (edited) Hold up one second. I'm guessing its probably the the same whether she is or not, but you know shes not my ex right? Shes just a friend that I've liked for the past 2 years and it never got any further than that. I'm sorry I just couldn't bring myself to text her that message. I just feel like she deserves to at least know why I'm not talking to her. Because to the best of her knowledge, we are still the two best friends anybody could have... It just seems so cruel to completely ignore her without at least letting her know whats going on. And I don't plan on maintaining NC forever. Indefinitely, yes, but I'd like to still be friends once I finally move on, get over her, and make sure the other things in my life are taken care of. Like getting a job, getting back into school, and maybe finding a girlfriend. Edited February 13, 2013 by T - mac Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted February 13, 2013 Share Posted February 13, 2013 Okay, right... look, handle it the way you feel best.... But don't leave yourself vulnerable to recriminations and pain. That's all I'm saying...... Be well. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author T - mac Posted February 15, 2013 Author Share Posted February 15, 2013 Hello again, just wanted to stop by with some good news and thank you guys once again. I finally talked to her tonight, and I told her that I couldnt be there for her right now or in the foreseeable future, because liking her has made me miserable. At first she argued with me and told me i was being ridiculous. But after I spilled a little more she broke down crying and said she was so so sorry for causing me so much pain that she had been thinking about this for a while now, that she understood i had to do this. I guess that just goes to show how great of a friend she has really been. But I think I can safely say that I can finally put this all behind me and move on with my life now. Thanks for the advice, I really owe you one. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author T - mac Posted February 28, 2013 Author Share Posted February 28, 2013 (edited) This really sucks, I'm on the verge of just saying "**** it...its not worth it to not have you in my life just because I like you and you don't like me back. I'm just going to suck it up and quit this bull****" I'm so close. Things have been going well, but then she sends me this... http://img716.imageshack.us/img716/1663/image1362081028024700f.jpg Which has so much **** in it that I want to clear up and tell her shes wrong about, but I know I shouldn't.......................... It's too late, I'm having one more talk with her, one more time. We are going to settle things once and for all. I know you guys are going to think otherwise, because you have seen this a million times, but she understands my situation. I'm going to lay it out. Choose your happiness and my constantly worsening depression, or my happiness and your depression which will soon heal. I can tell you right now shes going to do one of 3 things, and if she really cares about my well-being, she will let me go. Edited March 1, 2013 by T - mac deleted my name Link to post Share on other sites
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