Improving!

[camillalev]

A little update on my journey..

 

Early this last summer I was: getting kicked out of my apt(then homeless/couch-crashing for two weeks), account balance of 0, drifting away from friends(unable to spend anytime with anyone due to being broke), going through a terrible break-up, could barely afford to eat. That year I sent out 300+ job apps which garnered 10 replies and 3 interviews, which was no surprise to me because I was not proud of any of the work in my portfolio. My self-esteem and self-value were at rock bottom.

 

now:

 

- Decided to create a new portfolio instead of waiting for someone to give me new work. In the last few months I self-initiated and completed three major projects I'm proud of and my new website that went live a week ago. Now I have 4 solid projects and 4 projects which are ok. I'm beginning two new projects.

 

- Live in a very affordable apt in a very convenient neighborhood with two nice, chill roommates.

 

- Still broke but I have a bit of money to hang out here and there. If I do go out I save it for more important events like bdays or other celebrations/times when ALL of my friends are in one place. This week i'm going to friends bday dinner/drinks.

 

- a better position at the non-profit I work part-time for. I love this organization and their mission with all my heart.

 

- at the peak of my depression I would stay in bed until 4:30 pm, which has been a very hard habit to break, despite not being as depressed as I once was. One day this last week I got out of bed at 3, then the next day at 2:30, the next day at 1:30, the next day at 2. Doesn't seem like a big deal but I'm very happy I'm slowly breaking this terrible, unproductive habit.

 

- Started a beginners course in a new language, which has been great. I'm in the second half of my course.

 

- physically... I would like to get a gym membership and a personal trainer.. I'm pretty slender but i want the kind of butt the brazilians are known for however both of those things are very expensive, especially in the city I live in. I'll put this off as a future goal for now.

 

- not necessarily a 'goal' or anything i was striving for but a friend of mine works for a very nice lingerie company, over the holidays she sent me one of their sets(black lace bra, panties, garter belt, the whole she-bang) to cheer me up. I wear VS and have a few lacy pairs but I'm a pretty simple girl, however after putting on that set with thigh-high stockings, I think I'm now firmly in the lingerie camp. What is it about it that makes you feel AMAZING? It's like a secret weapon.

 

- Made minor changes to my hair which made me feel great: Gave my long hair a trim and did minor at-home glossing/coloring. Instead of just being a flat dark brown/black, now it's very silky/shiny and in the sun it has some multi dimensional color... when the light catches in my hair it gives off coppery glow. dunno how to describe, but it's subtle and I like it

 

 

nothing so major and still a ways to go, but I'm happy with the direction I'm going.

[camillalev]

I've also been reading 'the charisma myth'. there's a chapter on self-compassion and how to be forgiving of yourself when you make mistakes or don't do something perfectly.

 

Like post the same thread three times

 

It's a great book, i try to read it everyday.

[venusianx13]

I've also been reading 'the charisma myth'. there's a chapter on self-compassion and how to be forgiving of yourself when you make mistakes or don't do something perfectly.

 

Like post the same thread three times

 

It's a great book, i try to read it everyday.

 

I'm not familiar with you on LS, but I'm happy to hear of your progress. I, too, had some rough years at the hands of depression and anxiety. Much of that is behind me, but there are times when the anxiety sneaks up and taps me on the shoulder...

 

 

When I was struggling the most, I found that my remedies were to A) immerse myself in my spirituality (I am a Buddhist), and to B) Volunteer my time to something I care about. I spent a good deal of my time doing wildlife rehabilitation. I loved it. What non-profit are you involved in?

 

Thanks for mentioning the book, I'd like to check it out.

[camillalev]

Thanks venusian!

I'm new to LS. I work with a non-profit that places art installations in public spaces. When I leave I hope to be involved in whatever they do and help in anyway I can.

 

anxiety and depression.. sneaky, stalkerish little ****ers aren't they.

 

Definitely check out the book.. it's fantastic and enlightening. It really helps to see depressive feelings/a challenging time as a sort of 'shared' experience that many people are going through or have been through, that you're not alone. It helps with the the feelings of loneliness or isolated.

Edited July 2, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[camillalev]

a few other new things I've done in the past few months which have been great:

 

- Made coq au vin for my parents while home for the holidays. Never made it before and had never cooked for my parents until then. It turned out great.

- Shot a handgun and rifle at a gun range. I was VERY nervous about handling a gun, but it was a LOT of fun. and i was not too shabby

- Made kimchi stew for the first time

- Bought a sketch book and started drawing for the first time in years.

- went go-karting for the first time. As soon as I buckled in I thought, What am I doing?! I never drive, haven't in years(the city I live in has great public transportation), I'm definitely going to be the slowest, most annoying racer on the track. But luckily that was not the case, I had so.much.fun.

 

 

It's nice to remind myself of these things when I'm feeling meh.

 

This week on one of my days off I'm going to apply for a few jobs with my new portfolio and see the response I get.. I was getting nearly 0 with my old, out-of-date portfolio. We'll see how it goes.

[camillalev]

UPDATE

on the days I don't work I've been waking up naturally at 1pm.. but CHOOSING to sleep in until 2:30 because I'm still groggy.. UGH. In the moment I think I'll sleep for another 15 mins or so and that turns into an hour and a half :/ Next time I'll just deal with it and GET UP. But I've also been staying up very late.. a habit I must quit. But still, an improvement from 4pm. To a normal person this struggle must seem ridiculous.

 

I met a cute guy We're hanging out this week after work. Will take things slowly since I have to focus on myself for a bit, but it's an exciting change.. to flirt, feel attractive, have fun, laze around and get to know someone. Also, somewhat related to what I wrote above.. I spent the night(nothing happened) and we both got up at 10:30 in the morning and spent most of the day hanging out. Hm.. I can get up at 10:30 to hang with someone but not of my own volition.

 

Project #1 is near completion, should be done at the end of the week. It's simple and beautiful. Then to get it photographed and put it up on my website.

 

Project #2 is well underway, it looks great. It will be another month or so before that's done. I think this is something I could potentially make money from as opposed to it just being a portfolio piece.

Edited February 5, 2013 by camillalev

[camillalev]

so the boy and I have hung out two times since my last post. He's so much fun and such a sweet guy He took me out on the first date, second date I made him din then we hung around and went out for drinks. Today he asked me out on a non valentines day dinner.

 

created a profile and uploaded work to a creative portfolio site.. creatives and industry professionals post their work online, have access to job boards, browse the work of others, can like other projects, etc etc. It's great to upload my work and actually feel on par with them. already have gotten good feedback

 

when i'm not getting up for work or at the boys place I've been getting out of bed at 1:30(but actually waking up beforehand, just lazying around), improved from my 2:30 last week.

 

accomplished almost nothing personal-project wise in the last week. One project is almost fin but i dunno, lazy? second proj I did make progress on.

 

 

a downside right now: so, so broke. two birthdays and hanging out with the boy.. dates cost monies No joke I can only afford a pack of ramen for the next two weeks. It's quite depressing that two birthdays and a few dates will do this to me. granted i live in one of the most expensive cities in the states but still. I got an email for small freelance gig, that will help.

 

 

asked a trusted friend to take a look at my website and give me real, critical advice. he said the new projects as well as one of the old ones are absolutely strong, beautiful and fully stand on their own, but that I need a 'full' portfolio of work like it. My old work doesn't cut it, seems out of place. I agree.

 

It's frustrating to be in this waiting period after accomplishing so much portfolio-wise in the last few months. Not quite reaping benefits yet, but I will.

Edited March 27, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[camillalev]

I've been feeling completely blah the last 2-3 weeks.. it's been pouring rain, grey and overcast, snowing, freezing, mushy, and generally gross and depressing out. Just been hanging on the couch or in front of my computer.

 

I completely reformatted and rewrote my resume and CV. Now having done that I can't believe I sent out my previous resume/cv and expected call backs. It was complete rubbish. Resume looks great now, very detailed and easy to read, straight to the point and fully expresses my past responsibilities and accomplishments, with an added focus on collaboration, client relations and people skills. CV previously read like it was ripped from a 'how to write a stereotypical boring cv' website, which it basically was. Now it's very genuinely me and radiates with my point of view and philosophy on work and design, while remaining professional.

 

I started my linkedin account.. it was sitting around for years unused.

 

I'm working with someone with finish the last half of a design project. This is the same project i posted about in the last two posts. I realized I could not finish it on my own and reach out to someone else who I consider very talented to give it their magical touch. That will be done in two weeks, if everything goes according to plan. That will make the 4th design project completed in the last four months or so.

 

 

Trying to eat healthier.. my diet became such ****. Bought some st johns wort and complex b. maybe i should get vit d because of the lack of sun.

Edited March 2, 2013 by camillalev

[camillalev]

Also: my goal is to have a brand new portfolio, cv and resume completed and ready to go by the end of May. My portfolio will have a total of at least 8 new projects, with a few of the old projects.

 

I'd also like to begin expanding my social circle/network.

 

By May I'll begin a new job hunt.

[FitChick]

Excellent!

[camillalev]

Thanks Fitchick

 

Now that everything in re-written, I'm in the editing process and would like to get it looked over by a professional. I'm looking for a career/job interview coach who I can practice interviewing with. I found a website with a ton of very helpful interview tips.

 

One thing i've noticed lately is that I'm turned from a 'friend' to 'the friend who occasionally hangs out.' Is that better than being The Poor Friend, who people purposefully don't invite out because they know they can't afford it? I don't know. Bit it's all really f*cking frustrating.

 

People used to tell me all the time that I was a charismatic person, someone people are naturally drawn to.

Now.. :/

 

Anyway, I can't wait to get my sh*t together.

Edited March 4, 2013 by camillalev

[lavenderlove]

Hi Camillalev.

 

I am Lavenderlove. Seems like we are two flowers.

 

(I picked my name because I grew fond of a lavenderbush I spent a whole day trimming, and this was the first time in my life I decided that I can give a plant a better shape, than it has naturally chose for itself. It was absolutely beautiful and a bad idea. The bush was destroyed mysteriously by someone who jumped our fence during the night. They jumped right on top of the bush. A week later I gave up on my 8 year relationship, and can't help thinking that the bush has something to do with it.)

 

I like your post. I must apologise, I gave you some advice on your other post about supplements, and didn't realise how much you are already doing for your wellbeing.

 

Now I am in a very similar situation as you. I am just about to move into shared acc. Except I got a part time job, to support my creative practises. It is good this way, because my artistic career isn't under financial pressure, thus I can think and create freely. The job is the kind you forget about once you arrive home. It might be a good idea for you to get something like that, it will lift your social life and self esteem, plus it will solve the sleeping habit too. What I also realised by having a second job was the value of time. I swear I work more on my own staff since I can't just do it whenever I wish.

 

And once you got the dreamjob, you can move on.

[camillalev]

Hi Camillalev.

Now I am in a very similar situation as you. I am just about to move into shared acc. Except I got a part time job, to support my creative practises. It is good this way, because my artistic career isn't under financial pressure, thus I can think and create freely. The job is the kind you forget about once you arrive home. It might be a good idea for you to get something like that, it will lift your social life and self esteem, plus it will solve the sleeping habit too. What I also realised by having a second job was the value of time. I swear I work more on my own staff since I can't just do it whenever I wish.

 

And once you got the dreamjob, you can move on.

 

I have gotten part-time jobs in the past, usually I work there for 3 mo - 1 yr then I'm let go of. From my experience job hunting for some lowly part-time job just to pay the bills is just as competitive. I've applied to well over 300 companies for a hostessing position and received a handful of replies. a friend of mine works at a restaurant and put up an ad on craigslist for a hostess/waitress, he received well over a 1000 resumes. :/

It just feels hopeless sometimes.. Who knows, I might try again.

 

 

As I mentioned in my last post I'm looking for an interview coach or something similar that will help me. I contact one company that has a body language class/presentation class and another company that offers private interview coaching. I'm REALLY working the non-profit angle, they've both offered me discounts. Hopefully they're actually helpful.. One of my fears is that the classes will be complete BS. I'm also SO broke for the rest of the month. Even if one class was $75, that could be groceries, transportation, things that I NEED. :/

 

I optimized my website for google, so my images will come up when my name is searched. My website is now on the 2nd page of google rather than the 8th page. I have a very common name.

 

I also put off my french lessons the last few weeks, but I've gotten back at it. I think I have a natural knack for learning languages, some things take a bit of time to work through but everything has been relatively easy so far.

 

The person who I got in touch with to help with my project did a fantastic job. Now to get it printed an finalized.. which will cost more money. :/ But it looks great.

[camillalev]

Today I feel like complete crap. I just paid most of my bills, now I'm broke. I can't to go out and do anything. I look at the obstacles in front of me(money) and it makes me feel helpless. I don't need fancy clothes or dinners at nice restaurants, but I would like to to hang with my friends, fall in love or at least INFATUATION. I want to find someone interesting and feel alive. I want to go on adventures and make mistakes, be relatively happy, but instead I feel like I'm spending the rest of my 20's being a vegetable. I can't go out, I can't go on dates because I can't afford to. money can't buy you love but it can buy you the possibility of finding love.

It's not just about that, i don't need to be in love, i just want to experience life like a normal person would. Go out, have a laugh with friends, talk about who's doing what, think about the next trip I'm going on, etc. I've been good about doing what I can with what I have and just try to make my situation better but today.. I don't know... I'm unsure about everything and I can't contain my frustration.

Edited March 10, 2013 by camillalev

[Els]

Can you not get some sort of financial boost to start you off? A crap job, government assistance, etc?

 

I commend you for having the confidence to do freelance artistic work right off the bat, but I'm not sure it's a great idea if you don't have any sort of financial backup. As you noted, it leaves you with an extremely undesirable and depressing lifestyle, which would probably affect your artistic ability/drive, and that'll go in a vicious cycle. I'd love to freelance but I'd never dare to do it if my everyday bread and butter were solely dependent on it.

 

I think you need to keep applying, if you feel your current lifestyle is taking its toll on you.

[lavenderlove]

Look, you are doing so well, and one day things just all going to work out because of all this effort you are putting in.

I know "one day" is not today, so this doesn't help.

In terms of jobhunting, I spent months and months just applying for anything I could possibly tailor my resume to. From all the jobs I ever had I had I found three through the paper, two by actually walking in and asking for a position, two by recommendation of a friend of a professional contact, and just 1, that I got through the net. So, maybe getting out going into a cafe or a restaurant may work, and those jobs a easy to pick up, you can say you have done it, and get a friend to teach you some basics over the weekend. The good aspect of hospitality is, that people come and go, and unless you go to some fancy place, by just looking neat, being nice and communicative, have flexible time so they can put you on for whenever they need you, it should be easy to get. An other advice, once you get an interview somewhere, don't be afraid to call them and follow up afterwards.

 

And then all this pressure will be off you, and you can slowly come back to society, and once that happens things will start rolling.

 

Keep us updated and don't loose heart.

Edited March 10, 2013 by lavenderlove

[camillalev]

Can you not get some sort of financial boost to start you off? A crap job, government assistance, etc?

 

I commend you for having the confidence to do freelance artistic work right off the bat, but I'm not sure it's a great idea if you don't have any sort of financial backup. As you noted, it leaves you with an extremely undesirable and depressing lifestyle, which would probably affect your artistic ability/drive, and that'll go in a vicious cycle. I'd love to freelance but I'd never dare to do it if my everyday bread and butter were solely dependent on it.

 

I think you need to keep applying, if you feel your current lifestyle is taking its toll on you.

 

Hey Elswyth,

I'm thinking of applying for part-time jobs again. I absolutely do need something.

The currently situation of me being freelance isn't necessarily a choice of mine. After I graduated I was hired full-time at a creative agency. During that time, the economy crashed, 6 mo later I stopped working for that company and I'm now I'm in the situation I'm in. A lot of my portfolio was from my first job, very outdated and now in my eyes boring. Now I'm building a portfolio of self-initiated projects, just to show my talents design-wise. One thing I'm glad I did was find a great, creative non-profit to work for so I don't have a gap in my resume(and I have learned a lot there). But yeah, during that time I consistently searched and applied for jobs.. all kinds.. part-time crap jobs, part-time design/creative jobs, full-time jobs. Didn't get me anywhere really.. so I turned my attention towards rebuilding my portfolio and website. It's the first thing they will look at besides experience.

My ideal situation is NOT to be freelance, but to be working full-time.

 

 

But yes, for now I will have to keep applying, I just need money.

Thank you for the advice.

Edited March 27, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[camillalev]

Sent out 5 resumes yesterday morning to part-time design jobs. One replied with the response: "What is your expected/desired hourly pay rate? We trust that you thoroughly read the ad." That's it. In their posting they stated the pay rate would depend on experience and would not pay a higher rate for someone with a 'thin' portfolio. Nowhere in my resume or my portfolio does it indicate that I've been for the most part unemployed, since I do a lot of creative work for the non-profit and have been working for them for nearly two years. I also included some of my old work, it's not my favorite but there are notable brands in there and one project which won a prestigious award. Does it sound like they're referring to their pay rate? They indicated the highest they are willing pay and the lowest they are willing to pay, and it's a few cents away from minimum wage. I'm absolutely willing to take on a part-time design job but also wary of being taken advantage of.

 

Anyway, I'm happy one person has so far replied out of the five. Much better than my previous rate of 300 job apps and a total of 10 replies(not an exaggeration).

 

 

Other than that been learning french for at least an hour a day.

 

Things are fantastic at the non-profit. There will definitely only be good things to come from there.

 

I'm generally feeling a little more hopeful and energized, especially now that painful part of cv/resume writing is over, now I can pounce on every job opportunity that comes my way.

 

The project I mentioned a few posts ago, I had a rough printed. making adjustments and printing again tomorrow.

Edited March 20, 2013 by camillalev

[camillalev]

Anyone have any advice/opinions on how to handle the pay rate question? The guy didn't even ask for me to come in for an interview. Could it be code for 'we are cheap'? I'm expecting to come across this again as many of the ads are BOE.

 

Generally I've heard it's not good to name the number first, I'm leanings towards saying my priority is to see if it's was a good for for both of us. That's the point of an interview. I could just be straight forward and no BS, since I already know my number based on his pay range. Maybe I should just tell him, then say it can be discussed.

[camillalev]

I've been feeling incredibly angry lately. Everything is frustrating. My boss(the founder and ceo) of the non-profit is forgetful and, I think, bad at management. we are severely understaffed. There are only two full-time workers- her and my co-worker, then one intern, then me. I only work part-time but she expects the results of a full-time employee. I'm not an employee, I'm not paid. I'm there to offer my particular skill sets to help the organization grow and i'm also more than happy to pitch in around the office, but she regularly asks me to do random tasks that take up my time and cut into the more important things i can contribute. She ends up asking me to do things like organizing mailing addresses then forgets that she asked and wonders why the project I'm SUPPOSED to be doing isn't ready yet.

She loves what I do, the results so far have been great and she is eager to see more, as well as expand on what i'm doing. Yeah, how am i supposed to complete my job-the job i'm there to do-if i'm spending hours doing bs work? Also, how are we supposed to expand on anything if she's unwilling to hire someone to help execute it? When I'm gone, everything I've done goes with it. I doubt anyone will be willing to do the work I do for free, on such a consistent basis. I don't know how she thinks she will support 'expansion'. Yes, we are a non-profit but we have money, we can hire. It's glaringly obvious to me we need another employee. we had one six months ago but she left. Also, the staff is completely different than what it was nearly two years ago when I joined.. Many people have come and gone. She will not see the growth she so desperately wants with only two full-time employees(Herself, the CEO, included), while being unwilling to pay.

 

At this point I'm a part of the company, at meetings I'm expected to give my opinion, brainstorm products, fund-raising, help with strategy, etc. We're now looking into producing a product I came up with. I spend time outside of the office on what I don't finish in the office. When I don't deliver, it effects the company. Not money-wise but in other ways. This is a volunteer position, but it's obviously turned into more. In a way it's great, I like being involved, if I had another part-time paying job maybe I would be happy with the arrangement, but I don't. I'm doing in part to have something to add to my portfolio, experience for my resume(experience in general) and a good job recommendation. It's just frustrating to be doing all these things and struggling, while my friends continue to live their lives and look towards their future. In the meantime I can only see as far as next month.

Edited April 6, 2013 by camillalev

[camillalev]

I have a lot to give, talent I'm looking to hone, hours to work, learn and implement projects. I'm not some low-life sitting around in sweatpants drinking all day. There's nothing 'wrong' with me. I consider myself bright with a lot of potential. I also believe merit should be earned, not given. I'm looking to WORK and get my head in the game, yet no one is willing to give me so much as an interview.

[camillalev]

Since my last post about sending resumes I've sent three more applications. I got one reply asking to meet this week. 8 total resumes sent and 2 replies. Not horrible.

 

I'm making a final print of a project tues, then it's getting photographed and i'm adding it to my portfolio/website.

I'm sending out a few more resumes after.

Another project is well underway and will cost nothing to finalize, unless i want to do something with it. It looks good, demonstrates versatility and hits upon a skill I've seen a lot of job posts emphasis. It's also a lot of fun for me to do. Once that's done I will have 5 new projects. Add what I'm doing with the non-profit and I will have 6. I have a few other projects in mind.

 

I've been taking st johns wort and vit b complex. I can't tell if theyve been working. I haven't been feeling sad or depressed, like i used to. Now it's like my last post, I either feel ok or feel really aggressive and angry.

[Emilia]

Hi Camillalev,

 

It's been good reading your thread. If you have employment questions, people are very good in the 'business and professional relationship' section.

 

Have you taken up exercise recently? I'm asking because it is very good for venting. I remember one terrible evening when I thought my boss was sabotaging something for me (he wouldn't fill out a reference form even though I had asked him FOUR times in a course of a week) and I went down to the boxing gym. Pictured his face on the sand bag and went for it until I was a sweaty heap.

 

Those sessions are so tiring, they guarantee you sleep and it's much easier to get up in the morning when you slept through the night properly.

[aaronjonathan1]

Thanks a lot friends for sharing your useful opinions and views i really appreciate it.

[camillalev]

The person who is looking to hire told me my work is great and they'd like to see more. That confirms what I've been thinking and what a friend of mine told me - what i have is good but i need more like it. I need to churn out more. It's good to get a fire going under my ass.