Improving!

[camillalev]

Hi Camillalev,

Have you taken up exercise recently? I'm asking because it is very good for venting. I remember one terrible evening when I thought my boss was sabotaging something for me (he wouldn't fill out a reference form even though I had asked him FOUR times in a course of a week) and I went down to the boxing gym. Pictured his face on the sand bag and went for it until I was a sweaty heap.

 

Those sessions are so tiring, they guarantee you sleep and it's much easier to get up in the morning when you slept through the night properly.

 

I've been considering this. I agree, sometimes all you need to do is punch something, repeatedly. It seems really great for burning out aggressiveness and extra energy.

[camillalev]

I got one freelance job based off my first round of job-hunt emails, which I am getting my first check for tomorrow. I feel cautious and I'm waiting until the money's in the bank to celebrate or feel good about it in anyway.

 

A good friend of mine made an introduction to a co that acts as a creative head-hunter. You basically work for them and they act as your agent and get you freelance jobs. I"m sending them my portfolio but it's only my old work and the 3 most recent ones, my other new projects haven't been photographed and so aren't in my portfolio yet. I'm feeling a little insecure about it because i feel my portfolio is a bit sparse.. but oh well.

 

The 4th project i've been talking about is finito. I have two other pieces i've done for the non-profit finished, though since that's under the umbrella of work i've done for them i'm considering one project. One other personal project i mentioned in a previous post is well underway and looks good, though that will take some time, like a month or so at least. Some other things at the non-profit are under-way as well, though who knows how long that will take, things keep popping up.

I feel this spring the rubber will start hitting the pavement.

 

I've been waking up between 12-2 pm, hovering more around 1 pm.

 

the aggressiveness i've been feeling has dissipated a bit, it's still there but not as constantly or as intensely.

Edited April 21, 2013 by camillalev

[camillalev]

I got two paychecks from the job, which is great.

 

I'm going to have to move at the end of this month, so that's been taking up my time. This time last year I was in the exact same position, except not able to pay rent, no money, two weeks I was basically homeless and couch surfing and had no hope in hell. Right now I have a place I'm moving into and it's basically in the same neighborhood for the same price, which is great because i pay so little and each year this neighborhood gets more and more popular.

 

None of the stuff i've worked on has been photographed yet, which is frustrating. the person photographing it is super busy for the next two weeks. I have to be patient. once the work is photographed and out into the world i'll feel better.

 

This personal project i'm currently working on is taking forever. I knew it would... but the middle part of a project is the hardest to get through. the creative, exciting beginning is over now it's just a matter of doing the technical things to get it done. and this particular project is VERY tedious. It will look great when it's done. I'll also be able to make a profit off this project if people are interested. i can sell it online for about $500, people receive a digital file upon purchase and they can use it within their own creative projects.

 

A girl who works with me is starting a production company with some friends of hers, she wants me to be involved as well as design their logo. It sounds fun. This girl is also all about creative people getting paid, which is great. don't know where that will go, but it's nice to be asked by someone who likes my work.

 

Recently i've been able to go out and hang with friends since i'm making some money. not a lot but some.

 

Today I woke up at 11:30 am. some of the other days when i've been hungover and not working i've gotten out of bed at 2pm.. I'm giving myself a pass on that though. It's been consistently between 11:30am-2pm. i haven't stayed in bed until 4pm in maybe a month and a half, two months.

 

Even though i'm not 100% i'm nowhere near as depressed as I was this time last year. I have my moments but it's nowhere near as bad as it was. all of spring and summer was nothing but a black hole and no hope in sight.

 

It's been about 6/7 months since I decided to shake up my life and change for the better. Things are moving at what seems like an excruciatingly slow pace but they're moving.

 

I'll also be starting another round of job hunting.. i can't stand not having my new stuff photographed, I know it would help me. Those projects don't even seem new to me anymore.. they seem incredibly old! :X

 

I also haven't gotten laid in like two/three months... maybe that's also a part of why i'm feeling so frustrated.

Edited May 7, 2013 by camillalev

[camillalev]

So i've been waking up between 9am-11:30am the last 5 days. Today I woke up/got out of bed pretty late, thanks to a late night.

 

work-wise, I'm on personal project no. 5, 6, and 7, 5 i'm beginning/midway through, 6 and 7 are in the beginning stages. i'm researching/experimenting with project no.8, which is a different medium than my other projects which have all been print. two projects at the non-profit underway. i'm beginning two new freelance work projects, one i'm starting today and one next week.

 

everytime i take on something new i'm much more confident in my skills, explaining my reasoning and thought process and just talking about it in general. i can see and feel myself becoming a better designer. slowly becoming a better presenter as well. at the non-profit i've been making myself speak up more during meetings, contributing more ideas than before and just in general being more confident. many of my ideas have been very well received and were looking for ways to make them happen. I can feel that i'm becoming more valuable to the organization. for my freelance work i feel more comfortable asking for more, whereas before i would have been fine asking for less. People are willing to pay me more than before.

 

recently i've been going to work-related events and things friends are doing, it's fun to go out and be social, plus there's usually an open bar or very cheap drink involved.

That's it for now.

[camillalev]

I've been going out and hanging with friends. going to the beach, parties, bbqs, etc, meeting some new people as well. I'm much happier than I was.. I'm glad it's summer. I'm actually looking forward to the future a bit more now rather than being so fearful of it. though that's not gone 100%.

 

Don't really want to talk about work or projects right now.. been working so much lately, all good things. still not making a ton o $$ but rome wasn't build in a day. Since i've been making things i like and sharing it with the world, it feels good but also a bit scary.. I worry a bit about what people are going to think. It doesn't stop me though.

 

people have also been asking me why on *earth* i'm single. It's nice that people care, but it's also a bit annoying. why can't i just enjoy my life? I'm Not worrying about guys not being attracted to or liking me, generally they have/do(does that sound stuck-up? oh well..), i havne't found someone i really like or find that interesting yet.. just started to go out with friends again and that's what i'm enjoying right now. i'd rather spend what i have on trips, drinks with friends, chipping in on a group outing, being in good company etc, right now than on anything else. on the downside, my ex who is is a part of my group, which is annoying but I can put up with it. I also feel like i look good so that helps

 

Moved and that went well, roomies are super nice, though one ot them is not as clean as i'd like. one of them has a ton of equipment and helped me make a project which looks cool. he let me know i can use some of the equipment whenever. it's the newer stuff i've never done beore that i'm a bit insecure about posting online but I can't let that stop me. it's fun to just do new things.

 

now to read some game of thrones..

Edited June 13, 2013 by camillalev

[FitChick]

people have also been asking me why on *earth* i'm single.

 

Ask them why on earth they are divorced (if applicable), although divorced people don't usually ask that question.

 

Or you could say, "I'm sure you know a great guy you could fix me up with or you wouldn't be asking."

[camillalev]

Ask them why on earth they are divorced (if applicable), although divorced people don't usually ask that question.

 

Or you could say, "I'm sure you know a great guy you could fix me up with or you wouldn't be asking."

 

Haha, none of my freinds are divorced so far. Actually none are even married yet. I'll have to save that for later. At least though they follow it up by listing my good qualities

[camillalev]

some things...

 

- 3 new projects posted on website, professional profiles, portfolio, etc!

- 4 underway..

 

Seeing this finally coming together gives me this feeling that everything(or this at least) is going in the right direction. I see it and it looks right. Getting it finally photographed and posted gives me another wind to finalize everything else, i'm excited about it.. though they will take time. but worth it. Today i woke up thinking of everything I had to do and was happy to take it on.

 

Last week I went to a bbq a friend was throwing and had a fun time. Was introduced to a very cute guy as well, but he had a girlfriend. A few nights ago I went out to a party then a bar with a friend and had a ton of fun. Saw some old friends and met new people. Met another guy as well, who worked there, nice, pretty cute and fun to talk to. We spent most of the night talking. Not pursuing though.

 

This week i'm going to a friends bridal gathering, which will be fun. she's getting married in the this year She sent out an email about accomodations or the wedding, that there were single rooms and double rooms available at a specific hotel. many of our single friends are doubling up to cut down on cost. I've been out of being social so long assumed I would end up having to get a single then being broke. Instead I'm splitting a double with this very cool, fun girl I like.

 

After I added the new projects to my portfolio I searched craigslist or jobs.. many of them were asking or unpaid interns Tomorrow i'll search more reputable job boards.

 

Now that my portfolio is developing and I have some money I'm also focusing on going out and socializing/networking. Reconnecting with old friends, meeting new ones. Unfortunetly socializing sucks up money.. and i don't have much of it. I'm doing what I can at the moment. Also, weddings take money.

 

Other things are going on that are irritating.. i'll write about that next time though. regardless, things are looking up.

Edited June 23, 2013 by camillalev

[Ripnet]

Are you on linkedin? It's a great site to make connections and find jobs or work.

[camillalev]

Are you on linkedin? It's a great site to make connections and find jobs or work.

 

Yes I'm on linkedin.

I recently received a message from someone who works at a major retailer, who is looking to fill a position. Who knows if that will go anywhere but I pursued it and connected with her.

 

Sent out 5 job apps today. we'll see...

[camillalev]

I've also started taking st johns wort again. I started about 6 months ago then stopped. I get weary of supplements because they're not regulated by the fda so who knows what i'm ingesting. Other than that i've been regularly taking complex B vitamins.

[camillalev]

I've been feeling a mixed bag of emotions lately.. some days, i'm excited to be busy, working towards a goal, building my portfolio and excited about the things i'm doing, other days i'm completely low, and lonely. I miss hanging out with my friends. I've been going out and seeing them more recently than i have in the past year but it feels.. not intimate. maybe not the right word or it. i want to randomly call and get a beer, come over and hang. I've been out of it so long that no one really texts me anymore. for the bigger get togethers and events, yes, but not on the smaller, everyday level.

 

everyday is a bit of a struggle. i have to remind myself that i've come leaps and bounds from where i was this time last year. I just have to keep going.

 

Also, posting on LS has been a tremendous help - just getting it all out there instead of keeping everything inside. After posting i feel like my head is a little clearer, maybe it's the cathartic factor. There are so many factors at play right now - my confidence, self-value, general happiness and well being, but the main thing i am focusing on is building my portolio. In turn, I am happier. working towards a goal has been indescribably important, especially this one.

Edited July 2, 2013 by camillalev

[camillalev]

Job hunt update.. I had an interview for a full-time position two weeks ago, followed up but haven't heard back. I have another interview next week at a major retailer for a design position. Excited and nervous. Most of the replies I've been getting have been for freelance.. but I'm happy to be getting replies! I used to get none. Also, since rebuilding my portfolio more friends and colleagues have been recommending me to other people. I took on a new client yesterday and felt a bit overwhelmed, but I evened out. The more I do and put out into the world the more opportunities seem to open to me. On the personal project front, there are two major creative/design-oriented personal projects I'm completing. Yay.

 

That's it for now.

Edited July 4, 2013 by camillalev

[camillalev]

The last few days have been completely ****ty. I dont think Ive ever had a worse fourth of july.

 

Generally feeling anxious, angry and just tired of it all. Having to fight off negative thoughts and keep moving forward is exhausting. Sometimes I think it would be easier to become a junkie and be oblivious.

[camillalev]

Been feeling down and angry. I'm not sure what I can do to improve this, try to think positive thoughts? I guess it's money/job related but also related to my social life.. my lack of it.. Havent really spoken to anyone about anything.

 

Had my interview which went well, I could tell they had a bit of an assembly line of people they were interviewing. The woman said she would be in contact though I'm not sure if that will actually happen.

 

Had plans to leave the city and go upstate to an outdoor museum this weekend but my friend canceled.

 

Finished a deadline for a job this week, will be getting paid next week or the week after.

 

Met with an artist for a project for the non-profit, things are going well. Did some research on him and he's a big, 'hot' artist ATM. He's a super nice guy, I liked him a lot. Deadline next week.

 

Meeting middle next with a friend who is helping me with a personal project. Excited to see what hes done, but also a bit ready to just have this thing finished.

 

Possibly meeting with a new client next week to talk about work.

 

Preparing another round of apps this weekend to send out Monday.

 

Probably wont be going out this weekend.

 

 

Going to go get a cupcake or chocolate or something to make me feel better.. and just keep chugging along.

Edited July 13, 2013 by camillalev

[camillalev]

I spent the last two months just living and enjoying the last of summer. Going out, having fun, did shrooms, rolled around the city with friends, celebrating my friend who is soon-to-be married. Bought a few new items of clothing which makes me look amazing, IMHO. Its a step up in my wardrobe.

 

Have some things in the works as well. Very excited for the upcoming year. I think it will be a year where a lot of things will come to fruition.

Edited September 19, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[camillalev]

One of the things I'm struggling with is my changing perception of myself and the static perception others have of me that have been built over the last few years. I'm in a state of building myself and my future, I'm beginning to understand what I am capable of and the things I can create and do. Yet I can tell the perception others have of my have pretty much stayed the same. Someone who is sedentary, doesnt do much, amongst other things. I dont think people have much respect for me. Its not really people who are in the outer circle, it's the people who are closest to me(not including two friends), who ive known the longest who seem to have this stubborn outlook on who I am. I'm not a woman of steel, the opinions of my friends effects how I feel. I dont think theyre being malicious.. certain people regard me in a certain way based off past experience and I'm not content to fill that role any longer. Things are changing and I know certain things I will do will flip peoples expectations of me. There just seems to be a sort of time lag or something and it just makes this growing process a bit more difficult.

Edited October 8, 2013 by camillalev

[camillalev]

I've been feeling a lot of anxiety for the past week or so. This is the first time in a long time I dont actively have anything to do. This weekend my newest projects are being photographing then added to my portfolio. Then I'll start a new wave of job applications. In addition, I'm planning on also being proactive about pitching new projects to clients, friends and acquaintances, rather than just applying to existing jobs through websites or people coming to me. I know a lot of people who could definitely use a lot of help in their design and brand identity.. which Ive noticed is something I've been gravitating towards the last few months. Pitching also requires the ability to be able to sell yourself and your ideas.. the importance of this skill has become so apparent to me but its a skill I think I'm low on. I dont talk about myself much beyond the normal things, certainly dont really brag or talk about my accomplishments a ton, when I do it feels awkward. though its something I should do. I know people who can talk about themselves or the things they've done for hours. It can be annoying but it's hugely helpful and influential, especially in this city. I think it has to do with confidence as well as comfort level.. I have to become much confident in myself and the things I can accomplish, for myself and for a client. I also think women are less encouraged to talk about themselves and their own accomplishments.

 

Another thing about pitching an idea to friends and involving people I know.. its being much more public about the work. With strangers or friends of friends, its pretty removed and doesn't impact my life beyond money, I can do a freelance project at home and no one will even know about it unless I talk about it. This is pretty much the kind of work Ive been doing, just freelance work that is pretty inconsequential. It doesnt effect anyone I know, or how Im perceived. Doing this will make me much more involved. I'm at a place now where I'm confident enough in my quality of work to do this. I just have to do it. I also think being much more open about it and pushing myself out there can attract more things to me. I also think some people arent even really aware of what it is that I do, I need to make them aware.

 

In bad news, I had my first problem client in a long time. They gave me half payment, with the other half coming 'at a later date' though I'm sure I may never see that other half anytime soon, if at all. This is frustrating but it can happen, not much I can do about it right now.

 

In good news, I got a fantastic new haircut! I liked my previous haircut, but this one really brings out and accentuates my best features. The other day I went to a bathroom and caught myself in the mirror, I was actually momentarily stunned by my reflection and how good I looked

Edited October 18, 2013 by camillalev

[camillalev]

I havent updated in awhile, thought id do a quick one.

 

new things:

 

-just came back from a road trip with friends. it was fun, a lot of adventure, saw some amazing things . I would definitely like to do that again. things like this remind me there is a point to it all - that im not just making money, or trying to make money, just to hand it back out to some company to pay bills.

 

-pushing social media for myself. so far the feedback is very good, people seem to respond to my work. It's motivating me to do more, as well as view what im making as a body work, with a unique voice and style, rather than just a few things that will help me get some job. There have also been certain things about being a successful creative, or becoming a successful creative(commercially), nowadays that have become apparent to me, and those are the next things that i will be working on.

 

-from my last job interview push i had several in-person interviews and phone interviews for freelance positions. one company would like to work with me, though the work will be sporadic. another was a head-hunting co/agency. we will see where that goes. Since adding my last few projects, the people who are interviewing me seem very enthusiastic about my work, and make a point to point out their favorite projects. As a result of going on these interviews (and having a portfolio i actually like) talking about them has become much easier. I usually feel a little uncomfortable talking about myself or my projects and some interviews have been a bit awkward as a result. Now im much more confident and people seem more interested in my work and receptive to me. From here on out I will be much more interview-focused than portfolio focused. This is the toughest part of job-hunting to me, and the least enjoyable. but maybe i can change my attitude..

 

-A company I work with partnered with a major, nationwide retailer and as a result i added the first major client to my portfolio and client list. this was the last project i completed since leaving for the holidays, so i havnt seen the effect on me job-wise yet, but i think it will help me as well as legitimize my work a bit more.

 

-I finally found a scent for myself been looking for a while, and because of black friday I was also able to purchase it for cheap

 

-Bought a few new things for myself. A casual black dress, thats also a bit sexy, comfortable but stylish shoes, a black leather bag and a cropped black sweater. Thanks to all the sales lately I was also able to get them cheap I think this is the best, and most put-together ive looked in a long time.

 

-i also made a holiday card for the first time. Ive never made one card that i sent out to multiple people, but I had the opportunity to make a good one. I made it basically from scratch, had them printed and sent them out. Super creative and funny. A few friends let me know they got it and liked it a lot and have put it on their fridge. I would love to to do more of this, little gestures that will bring my friends a bit of joy or a laugh. If this were a year ago, I would not have had to money to make this card - the materials, printing, and shipping costs would have been too much.

 

-also been more active socially. before i left for the holidays i went out with friends to do fun things.. get dinner, go out and sing karaoke, etc. We were going to meet in a nearby city for NYE but housing plans fell through so I decided to stay around this area(im at my parents) Ive been having fun, I want to take advantage of being here before I leave.

 

Its super late and there probably plenty of typos, but the gist is there!

Edited December 30, 2013 by camillalev

[camillalev]

Some things have popped up recently which have overtaken my life. Researching, printing out papers and forms, going to various offices, speaking with various people.. its stressful. This last week i have gotten nothing done except online research and filling out forms. There are other things that I have to do, which are just floating around in my mind, waiting to be checked off the list. Prioritize is a headache... the tasks that need to be done are all incredibly important and time-sensitive. I feel that everything should be getting completed and out the door with flying colors, but I feel paralyzed.

 

Im stressed with no one to talk to. Incredibly difficult to keep myself encouraged and I feel I only have myself. Would like to speak to my mom but she is incredibly controlling. Supportive in weird, specific ways but also sabotaging, I know she will find weird pleasure and comfort in knowing Im floundering and thinking I cant do things without her help.

 

Also found out one of my oldest friends went to an exes barbeque party at his apt recently. This is an ex who was emotionally abusive and a few times was borderline physical with me during our arguments. Also someone who is disrespectful to his closest friends, actively and publicly puts down his friends, co-workers and collaborators. Yet hes funny and charming so everyone somehow stays his friend. Ive tried to put it past me but I feel betrayed.

 

This is all on top of my search for a job. For the first time I actually think I have a shot at being hired for a job that will bring me a steady income. Thanks to my push in social media some very interesting people have followed me. The founder of a fashion magazine, the design director of another very well-publicized magazine, an art director at a huge agency, one of the biggest there are, a well known design organization, as well as other young, ambitious, connected creatives. I have received several emails from people who enjoy my work, as well as one email from a person inquiring about an internship with me(lol).

 

I need time and mental space to focus... these other issues are not only costing me time, they are costing me money and resources. Just spending time researching on how Im going to handle some of these issues, which Ive never dealt with before, is taking a huge amount of time and mental energy. Then where am I going to get more money for food, transportation, etc? Also, my cell phone bill has shot up thanks to my provider making huge changes to their plan policies. Thanks to some other issues I wasnt aware of(and being kept from me), I may also have to move in a few months. Just keeping it together... When it rains, it pours

 

Also, seeing kids with nothing but their parents last name on their resume having opportunities thrown at them, just because of who their parents are.

 

I just needed to rant and get it out there, instead of just keeping it inside and feeling stressed, going to bed with a headache every night.