After 11 years of marriage, I'm just finding this out!

[Sugar_Cube]

What would you all say if you found out your husband says he loves you, BUT also just married you in hopes that you would change?

 

11 years ago before my husband and I were married we had many arguements about jobs and money. He always had a job and I was always inbetween jobs. He told me just last night he loves me and that was one of the reasons he married me but the other was he hoped I would get a job and keep it.

 

He says today this is not a problem because we are no longer hurting for money. However, he did state he holds some resentment against me to this day because of it. I would think thats water under the bridge, and shouldn't have any effect on him today, but it obviously does. I felt hurt that he would say he married me hoping I would change.

 

Also he didn't really ask me to marry him. I ended up bringing up the subject of marriage. Makes me wonder if he was every really going to now, and that had I had a job, maybe he would have, without me being the one to bring it up. Any thoughts are appreciated.

[Moose]

How has your marraige been as a whole? There are a lot of things that I found out about my wife during our marraige of 16 years. One of which is the same as what your husband did to you. She thought that marraige would settle me down and I'd finally straighten my act up. Boy was she wrong!!!! But she stuck with me. Just like your husband stuck with you. I think that he loves you, maybe even more so then way back whenever.

 

There are a lot of things that I discovered about my wife that was a shock and a disappointment. But you know, when you marry someone, you take the good along with the bad. So don't worry about what happened in the past and just cherish what you have right now.

 

There isn't much sense in dwelling on that now. And he needs to loose the resentment himself. So you're doing fine now, financially, but you need to set him down and let him know what his resentment makes you feel like.

 

Good Luck to ya!!

 

Moose

[Sugar_Cube]

Hello Moose thanks for the reply. The marriage as a whole has been on shaky ground for awhile. We have our ups and downs just like anyone else. He is in counseling for a few issues that have been going on and he told me that he talked with his counselor about the resentment that he had towards me way back when. I see now thats why he said what he said about the resentment. I guess the counselor is pulling the things from the past up to the point where we are now. I understand that, but it just hurt that he said one of the reasons he married me was he "hoped" I would change. Maybe I should just accept thats the way he feels. I don't know. Thanks again.

[Moose]

I guess the counselor is pulling the things from the past up to the point where we are now. I understand that, but it just hurt that he said one of the reasons he married me was he "hoped" I would change. Maybe I should just accept thats the way he feels. I don't know. Thanks again.

 

I'm sorry that you feel that way, I really do. He should've just kept his mouth closed about it. I also can see what your husband is going through too. I recently finished all the counceling I could handle, (I was a serious alcoholic and was required to go through a rehab program), and the things brought up during that time really put a strain on my relationship with my wife and family. I felt like noone could possibly understand where I was coming from and it hurt so bad.

 

Instead of just accepting the fact that he married you in hopes of you changing, focus that energy towards helping him through what he's experiencing now. There isn't much you can do about his initial hopes, but there is an opportunity to be a part of his healing process.

 

I wish you the best of luck....please try to not have such harsh feelings about it, he needs you now.