Boyfriend's Ex-Fling LONG

[janedoe87]

Here goes...

 

My boyfriend and I have been together for about 8 months now. Things are going well and I love him SO MUCH. My family loves him, he gets on with my friends and he's the most attentive, caring, ambitious and best looking boyfriend I've ever had. I definitely do not want to do anything to lose him.

 

But there's something that's bothering me and I'm not sure how to bring it up with him.

 

I met him last year when I was with my crazy ex and he had another girlfriend. He was living with my best-friend at the time. During this time, he met a girl through work (they work in a different department and do not have to see one another every day) who was moving to our city through work. He talked about her all of the time and I could see why: she's very pretty and fun to be with. I knew he talked to her on the phone a lot, but he did to me too when he was away, so I never really thought much of it.

 

Time went on, she visited a few times (he was ALWAYS on the phone to her and texting her when she wasn't visiting). He ended up calling things off with his girlfriend and I started spending the night in his bed when I visited my best friend. I didn't really see him that way as I was involved with another guy at the time, so I wasn't bothered that there appeared to possibly be progress with his relationship with this other girl. Again, he talked about her and to her all the time.

 

About three months after he broke it off with his ex, he confessed to feelings for me and wanted to try things out.

 

However, I found out that about a week or two before this, that same girl had been visiting and was really upset about something while she was visiting. I asked him and he explained that she thought there was something going on between them when there wasn't and that she had tried to sleep with him and he said no and that they were not sharing a bed when she visited. My best friend knew more about it than me and said that wasn't true, which evidently it wasn't. He then confessed that he had slept with her once, but then turned her down after he realized his feelings for me.

 

We started seeing each other, even though our friends were against it. The other girl was not an issue and he told me he had sorted it out with her and she knew the two of us were together and she knew to back off.

 

Fast forward another month and she visits again for work, evidently totally unaware that we were together. She and I ended up having a conversation, and I find out he had pursued her whilst he was with his ex, they had been sleeping together for several months and he had told her that he couldn't sleep with her if she wasn't his girlfriend and so she was upset, but opted not to continue sleeping with him. In between this time when they weren't visiting, they were having phone sex and speaking on the phone 3+ hours per day. I confronted him about it and he said she was exaggerating a bit because she was jealous and that he did cheat on his ex with her, but it was because he felt so intertwined with his ex that he didn't even know how to begin to break it off with her.

 

I felt okay with that explanation, even though my friends who knew her better told me that he wasn't telling the truth and that he actually had aggressively pursued her and did not tell her we were together until she found out from a third party. She claims he told her when she found out about us that he still wanted to see how it goes with her when she gets there, but he told me she was just trying to sabatoge our relationship. But to be honest, I've done some pretty awful things to guys, so if I judged him for this, then I'd be a total hypocrite. Regardless, it made her stop wanting to be friends with him, which made me sad because I know she made him happy and I think they can be friends even with me in the picture.

 

We had an amazing summer together and I realized I had made the right choice not to leave him on something so silly. Then she moved here in September and I knew he was seeing her for work every so often. He told me she requested to be his friend on Facebook (which I felt defriending him was totally dramatic---I mean come on, is this girl 12?!) and asked me if it was okay. Over the summer, she defriended me (we had been acquaintances and I liked her a lot) which I also thought was childish. We saw each other around town a few times, but she always seems to ignore me, which I think is also really, really rude.

 

My boyfriend told me that she told him she got pregnant the last time they were together and that she suffered a miscarriage over the summer (which could be a lie to try and win him back, who knows?!). Because my boyfriend is a stand up guy, he tried to see her, but she brushed him off. Why even drop a bomb like that if you're going to brush the person off? But it didn't bother me as much and he told me she was dating someone new anyway.

 

Recently, though, I've seen him checking her facebook quite a bit and I've noticed them chatting via Facebook every so often. He asked if he could see her because he's a nice guy and she said okay and he did go over to her's and visit with her. I know they speak nearly everyday, but he's said he loves me and only me, which I believe. But how do I approach this? I don't want to break it off with him at all because he is SO AMAZING and my parents LOVE and adore him and he treats me like a princess and gets on so well with my friends. And I don't know how much of this is motivated from his guilt of fathering her child? I don't think he'd still have feelings for her after all of this time....but sometimes them still speaking does grate on me. But I do take solace in the fact that he also speaks to his other exes and has no intention of being with them--he's never once gone back to an ex, so I don't see why he would go back to her.

 

He also doesn't want to be Facebook official with me as he was with his exes, but I don't really care as much about that...even though it's a bit weird.

Edited January 29, 2013 by janedoe87

[aed]

Here goes...

 

My boyfriend and I have been together for about 8 months now. Things are going well and I love him SO MUCH. My family loves him, he gets on with my friends and he's the most attentive, caring, ambitious and best looking boyfriend I've ever had. I definitely do not want to do anything to lose him.

 

But there's something that's bothering me and I'm not sure how to bring it up with him.

 

I met him last year when I was with my crazy ex and he had another girlfriend. He was living with my best-friend at the time. During this time, he met a girl through work (they work in a different department and do not have to see one another every day) who was moving to our city through work. He talked about her all of the time and I could see why: she's very pretty and fun to be with. I knew he talked to her on the phone a lot, but he did to me too when he was away, so I never really thought much of it.

 

Time went on, she visited a few times (he was ALWAYS on the phone to her and texting her when she wasn't visiting). He ended up calling things off with his girlfriend and I started spending the night in his bed when I visited my best friend. I didn't really see him that way as I was involved with another guy at the time, so I wasn't bothered that there appeared to possibly be progress with his relationship with this other girl. Again, he talked about her and to her all the time.

 

Did the both of you cheat with each other?

 

About three months after he broke it off with his ex, he confessed to feelings for me and wanted to try things out.

 

However, I found out that about a week or two before this, that same girl had been visiting and was really upset about something while she was visiting. I asked him and he explained that she thought there was something going on between them when there wasn't and that she had tried to sleep with him and he said no and that they were not sharing a bed when she visited. My best friend knew more about it than me and said that wasn't true, which evidently it wasn't. He then confessed that he had slept with her once, but then turned her down after he realized his feelings for me.

he somewhat cheated on you, with this girl?

 

We started seeing each other, even though our friends were against it. The other girl was not an issue and he told me he had sorted it out with her and she knew the two of us were together and she knew to back off.

 

Fast forward another month and she visits again for work, evidently totally unaware that we were together. She and I ended up having a conversation, and I find out he had pursued her whilst he was with his ex, they had been sleeping together for several months and he had told her that he couldn't sleep with her if she wasn't his girlfriend and so she was upset, but opted not to continue sleeping with him. In between this time when they weren't visiting, they were having phone sex and speaking on the phone 3+ hours per day. I confronted him about it and he said she was exaggerating a bit because she was jealous and that he did cheat on his ex with her, but it was because he felt so intertwined with his ex that he didn't even know how to begin to break it off with her.

 

I felt okay with that explanation, even though my friends who knew her better told me that he wasn't telling the truth and that he actually had aggressively pursued her and did not tell her we were together until she found out from a third party. She claims he told her when she found out about us that he still wanted to see how it goes with her when she gets there, but he told me she was just trying to sabatoge our relationship. But to be honest, I've done some pretty awful things to guys, so if I judged him for this, then I'd be a total hypocrite. Regardless, it made her stop wanting to be friends with him, which made me sad because I know she made him happy and I think they can be friends even with me in the picture.

 

 

We had an amazing summer together and I realized I had made the right choice not to leave him on something so silly. Then she moved here in September and I knew he was seeing her for work every so often. He told me she requested to be his friend on Facebook (which I felt defriending him was totally dramatic---I mean come on, is this girl 12?!) and asked me if it was okay. Over the summer, she defriended me (we had been acquaintances and I liked her a lot) which I also thought was childish. We saw each other around town a few times, but she always seems to ignore me, which I think is also really, really rude.

 

My boyfriend told me that she told him she got pregnant the last time they were together and that she suffered a miscarriage over the summer (which could be a lie to try and win him back, who knows?!). Because my boyfriend is a stand up guy, he tried to see her, but she brushed him off. Why even drop a bomb like that if you're going to brush the person off? But it didn't bother me as much and he told me she was dating someone new anyway.

 

Recently, though, I've seen him checking her facebook quite a bit and I've noticed them chatting via Facebook every so often. He asked if he could see her because he's a nice guy and she said okay and he did go over to her's and visit with her. I know they speak nearly everyday, but he's said he loves me and only me, which I believe. But how do I approach this? I don't want to break it off with him at all because he is SO AMAZING and my parents LOVE and adore him and he treats me like a princess and gets on so well with my friends. And I don't know how much of this is motivated from his guilt of fathering her child? I don't think he'd still have feelings for her after all of this time....but sometimes them still speaking does grate on me. But I do take solace in the fact that he also speaks to his other exes and has no intention of being with them--he's never once gone back to an ex, so I don't see why he would go back to her.

 

He also doesn't want to be Facebook official with me as he was with his exes, but I don't really care as much about that...even though it's a bit weird.

 

 

They guy cheated with this girl on his exgf (from what I read). and doens't want the world to know you are together (facebook status).

 

I think he didn't really let go of her emotionaly.

 

I find it difficult to advise this to you (because I have to feeling, you have done the same behaviour to other guys??) But to answer your question it seems to me he is still emotionaly investing in her.

[janedoe87]

Yes, he did cheat on his ex with her. When I used to ask about her if they'd have a relationship, he'd say he was unsure and couldn't predict what would happen.

 

No I wasn't cheating on my boyfriend then (we had split up by then) but yes, I have cheated in the past and lied about it, which is why I shouldn't be so harsh on my current boyfriend. But to be honest, this does still bother me.

 

I guess you could say he cheated on me with her, but not really since we weren't together officially yet.

 

I've never had a guy turn me down though, so I guess I find it hard to believe he'd leave me for her, especially when he's seemingly had the chance to before.

 

He says he doesn't want to put up his status because he doesn't want to hurt his most recent ex whom he was very much apart of her family and is facebook friends with all of them.

 

Why would he still be with me if he cares about her then? It doesn't make sense.

Edited January 29, 2013 by janedoe87

[aed]

Yes, he did cheat on his ex with her. When I used to ask about her if they'd have a relationship, he'd say he was unsure and couldn't predict what would happen.

 

No I wasn't cheating on my boyfriend then (we had split up by then) but yes, I have cheated in the past and lied about it, which is why I shouldn't be so harsh on my current boyfriend. But to be honest, this does still bother me.

 

I guess you could say he cheated on me with her, but not really since we weren't together officially yet.

 

I've never had a guy turn me down though, so I guess I find it hard to believe he'd leave me for her, especially when he's seemingly had the chance to before.

 

He says he doesn't want to put up his status because he doesn't want to hurt his most recent ex whom he was very much apart of her family and is facebook friends with all of them.

 

Why would he still be with me if he cares about her then? It doesn't make sense.

 

I reverse it in my own words: you find some one who acts in the same why you have done in to other guys, You don't want to judge him (because you have done the same things?) But ask your self: when you where doing the same kind of things he is doing now, was it always 'just friends' when one of your ex's asked about it?

 

He is lying to you from what I read here. And ofcourse he cheated on you because why would he lie about it, when you where not together?

[janedoe87]

I reverse it in my own words: you find some one who acts in the same why you have done in to other guys, You don't want to judge him (because you have done the same things?) But ask your self: when you where doing the same kind of things he is doing now, was it always 'just friends' when one of your ex's asked about it?

 

He is lying to you from what I read here. And ofcourse he cheated on you because why would he lie about it, when you where not together?

 

Yeah....although sometimes I've slept with my friends who really ARE just friends and the guys think it's more which I don't get and I think it's casual. My bf also tries to tell me with his ex fling it was just casual sex as well, although the fact that he USED to say (before he was with me) that he may end up with her one day was always strange. He doesn't say that anymore and I know he loves me. My boyfriend now has also been upset about a friend that I've kissed who has a girlfriend whom I am always very cuddly with and asked me to cut it out.

Edited January 29, 2013 by janedoe87

[aed]

Yeah....although sometimes I've slept with my friends who really ARE just friends and the guys think it's more which I don't get and I think it's casual. My bf also tries to tell me with his ex fling it was just casual sex as well, although the fact that he USED to say (before he was with me) that he may end up with her one day was always strange. He doesn't say that anymore and I know he loves me. My boyfriend now has also been upset about a friend that I've kissed who has a girlfriend whom I am always very cuddly with and asked me to cut it out.

 

What do you want to hear? It seems to me you find some one that is playing the same kind of games like you did. It's like you said yourself: "Sometimes I've slept with my friends who really ARE just friends and the guys think it's more which I don't get and I think it's casual". Do you believe this is a 'sometime' or more the other 60%?

Edited January 29, 2013 by aed

[janedoe87]

I dunno. Should I worry about this girl? He seems very focused on me and I'm at his house most of the time, but there is a nagging feeling in the back of my head that maybe after all this time he hasn't let go of her? Like, why would he care how she's doing if he had?

[janedoe87]

Never had a guy choose another girl over me before, so it would be really hard. If anything, I've always been the one chosen over other girls.

[aed]

I dunno. Should I worry about this girl? He seems very focused on me and I'm at his house most of the time, but there is a nagging feeling in the back of my head that maybe after all this time he hasn't let go of her? Like, why would he care how she's doing if he had?

 

 

Again: when you where in his place, and the guys where worried (if they did?), where they right to worry or not?

 

He is investing in her. I don't know how to say it else. From you posts I can't know if he is cheating with her. But: He cheated on an ex with her. Slept with her while you 2 where together and is still having weekly contact with her?

 

If you don't want this relationship to end (what i seem to read from you posts), setup some clear boundaries. And asking for NC with her is not rediculous, but just the start!

 

When it's an ego thing: not wanting to lose to an other girl, I think you should walk away.

[janedoe87]

I feel like that's unfair. I would be mad if he told me I couldn't talk to any of the guys I've slept with in the past, some which are very good friends. I know they were very good friends and she made him very happy and he does seem to miss her, so it would be detrimental for me to say they CAN'T be friends. Plus they do have to interact every so often professionally, although I guess he doesn't have to go over to her house or speak to her on Facebook....

[aed]

I feel like that's unfair. I would be mad if he told me I couldn't talk to any of the guys I've slept with in the past, some which are very good friends. I know they were very good friends and she made him very happy and he does seem to miss her, so it would be detrimental for me to say they CAN'T be friends. Plus they do have to interact every so often professionally, although I guess he doesn't have to go over to her house or speak to her on Facebook....

 

would your bf be okay if he was in your shoes and you keep contact with the guy you cheated on with your ex and ****ed when you 2 where together?

[janedoe87]

would your bf be okay if he was in your shoes and you keep contact with the guy you cheated on with your ex and ****ed when you 2 where together?

 

He never ***ed her whilst we were together. He had stopped having sex with her by then, he just wasn't clear that he didn't want to be with her.

 

I am in contact with some of them....he doesn't like them, but some of them are very special friends to me.

[aed]

while like I said: you found an guy like your self.

 

Probably normal the guys where more into you then you into them, just now the fields are turned.

 

If you don't want to setup boundaries. Then I don't know what you can do in this situation.

[janedoe87]

while like I said: you found an guy like your self.

 

Probably normal the guys where more into you then you into them, just now the fields are turned.

 

If you don't want to setup boundaries. Then I don't know what you can do in this situation.

 

I'm sure he's more into me than he is with her, or he wouldn't be hanging out with me all the time!

[aed]

I'm sure he's more into me than he is with her, or he wouldn't be hanging out with me all the time!

 

I ment you are more into him, then he is into you. That he is more with you is normal. Just read some infidelity treads here. Most cheaters spent more time with their wifes then with their OW.

[janedoe87]

I ment you are more into him, then he is into you. That he is more with you is normal. Just read some infidelity treads here. Most cheaters spent more time with their wifes then with their OW.

 

I feel like if had had real feelings for her, he would be with her instead of me and wouldn't have wanted to stop having sex with her. I know he thought for a while that they would work out, but she couldn't be in contact with him for the summer, so why would he wait for her? Doesn't make sense. She also thinks he treated her callously and deserves an apology, but I don't. It's just the way it happens sometimes, she doesn't need to be a baby about it.

[aed]

I feel like if had had real feelings for her, he would be with her instead of me and wouldn't have wanted to stop having sex with her. I know he thought for a while that they would work out, but she couldn't be in contact with him for the summer, so why would he wait for her? Doesn't make sense. She also thinks he treated her callously and deserves an apology, but I don't. It's just the way it happens sometimes, she doesn't need to be a baby about it.

 

then why are you insecure about your bf behaviour? She got nothing to do with this, atleast what I get from your words?

[janedoe87]

then why are you insecure about your bf behaviour? She got nothing to do with this, atleast what I get from your words?

 

I dunno. I guess I get worried that he might still care for her in a way that's not appropriate for our relationship, although I guess if he did enough he would be with her over me and he's not.

 

How does she have nothing to do with this?

[aed]

I dunno. I guess I get worried that he might still care for her in a way that's not appropriate for our relationship, although I guess if he did enough he would be with her over me and he's not.

 

How does she have nothing to do with this?

 

Because you say your bf wants to be with you! Then it's all about your bf and his behaviour. Even (fictive) when she is sending naked pictures of herself, he is still the one accepting them, looking at them and lying to you about it.