Dying Mother

[cocorico]

My mother is dying, I was told. One of her neighbours phoned me the other day to tell me. I have not seen, or spoken to, my mother in years. This was mostly her choice - she cut off her phone so she could not be contacted, lives in a security block where you cannot gain access unless the person you are visiting buzzes you in, and if on the off-chance you get in by some other means, she simply ignores the knock on her (always locked) door until you go away. She is alcoholic - has been for as long as I remember - and prone to all the worst that goes along with that.

 

My not seeing her is also in part my choice. I have never had a good R with her, hated her as a kid, tried to get along with her as an adult including taking her in at one point, but the costs (emotionally, financially and in many other ways) were simply not sustainable and I reached a point where I had to decide whether or not to allow the continued contact to destroy me, or step away and admit that she was unable (and probably unwilling) to change and that no other R was possible with her than the one we had, and that the hope of something else was doing neither of us any good (she wanted me to change, I wanted her to change, neither of us was going to).

 

My kids have had intermittent contact over the years, entirely by chance (she lives in the town where they attended university) but that was as far as it went.

 

Now she is dying, she has cancer and her body, rotten from years of alcoholism, is unable to resist. Her neighbour has had brief contact with her over the years (my mother lives as a recluse, seeing no one) and took her to hospital after a fall (alcohol induced). She managed to prise my contact number out her one day (I'm the only one of my siblings with a fixed address) and has been phoning me, even though my kids have told her repeatedly that I have moved abroad and am no longer at that number.

 

The neighbour has her own demons. Her father was alcoholic. On his deathbed he begged her forgiveness, she gave it and they reconciled, and he died the next day. She became religious. She is determined to offer my mother and me the same chance at reconciliation, and has made it her mission. I spoke to her for ages the other day, thanked her for caring but explained that (1) I had no interest in finding The Lord, and (2) we were way beyond any prospect of reconciliation. I have no personal need to forgive my mother. I have made peace with my childhood, have come to what Janis Abrams Spring calls "acceptance", and have moved on. My mother is not seeking forgiveness. She feels she has done no wrong by me, sees any wrongs as being on me, and so we have no common ground from which to begin. I can live with that, though it took years of counselling to reach that point.

 

Today she phoned, presumably from the neighbour's. We had just gotten back after a long day attending to chores and other urgent matters when the phone rang. She was drunk as a skunk, slurring her words and I could barely make out what she was saying, but her tone was clear. She was angry that I had only just gotten home, she'd been trying to reach me all day, and how dare I not know instantly who it was (she did not say who was calling, she simply launched into a tirade of abuse that I had had the audacity to be out, and for so long, when she'd been trying to reach me). I calmly asked who was calling, and when she got all huffy about that I simply ended the call.

 

I expect her neighbour to call back, at some point, deeply disappointed, and to try to guilt trip me into speaking to / forgiving my mother. I accept that being polite but firm may get me nowhere and I may have to terminate the call with her too. I'm OK with that. But part of me - the little girl that tried for so long to be good enough for the mother that wanted a different little girl - is still wrestling with the compulsion to fix things in other ways. To track down and contact my siblings (her favourites) to let them know she's dying, and give them the chance to make contact, and to save her the loneliness of dying alone. To track down her sister that she was once close to, that she stopped contact with when she D my father "because she won't want to see me now I'm D" (they're catholic, D is a sin) so they can say goodbye. To track down a former colleague of hers who tried hard to befriend her, who used to contact me to ask how she was long after my mother had lost her job (drinking). I'm also wary of discussing it with my kids, no wanting them to feel under pressure to make contact, but not wanting to deny them the opportunity if they want it.

 

So, that was a long story. To get to the point - do you think I ought to try to contact others (and speak to my kids) to give them the option of contacting my mother before she dies, or should I stop trying to be "good enough" and admit I can't fix this, either, and let the chips fall where they may?

[sb129]

Is your avatar an attempt at black humour?

 

I don't think you should make decisions for other people.

 

Give them the information and let them decide what they want to do with it.

[cocorico]

Is your avatar an attempt at black humour?

 

I don't think you should make decisions for other people.

 

Give them the information and let them decide what they want to do with it.

 

My avatar has been in use for months, completely unconnected to this thread. (Those who need to, know what it relates to.) thanks for mentioning the connection though, it had not occurred to me.

 

I have passed on the info to those I am able to contact, or those who are able to contact others. I realise that in doing so, I may to some extent have taken decisions for others and dragged them into a situation they may have wished to remain innocent of, but like you I felt it better that they make that call from a position of having the info. Thanks for your reply.

[TigerCub]

Cocorico,

 

I just wish I could give you a hug!

 

I know what it's like to have "little you" still feel unworthy and feel like you need to fix things and just try a little harder, so when I read that, it really made me feel your pain.

 

I'm glad you did the therapy you needed to before

 

I'm sorry that your mom is dying. I know that given your history with her, you have made your peace with not having her in your life, but this all still obviously brings up many painful memories, feelings and questions.

 

I was going to suggest to you that you at least inform others because they should have the option to say goodbye or make amends or do whatever it is they need to. I just read that you did in fact tell some of your relatives, and I'm glad you did that.

 

As for you, I guess when it comes to something like death, you just need to ask yourself if there will be anything you'd wish you'd done differently years down the road. If you think you'll feel guilty for not seeing her - then maybe you should.

If you know that you're completely fine with your decision, then by all means, please do what it best for you.

 

I wish you peace of mind.

 

As for the neighbor, honestly, tell her where you stand and what your plans (with regards to your mom ) are, and if she can't respect that - just block her #.

[darkmoon]

time to stop dreaming of being a replete little girl, not all parents are good, time to stop expecting what Mother Nature short-changed over, in spite of the optimism of children, rúnning around connecting with people who knew her will not give you a good mother

 

i've been in your shoes, indeed they are emotional ones, over being a good daughter

[darkmoon]

forgiving a c*nt just keeps you locked into personal non-development - crucially, a harder place to sort your head out in, or heal, call it what you will---it's just more denial of the truth

[JimConnolly5]

No matter how busy a person is, if they really care, they will always find time for you.

[Ladybugz]

I dont judge you but all im thinking is,

why is this person(you) not running to take the

first plane or bus to your mothers home by hearing such a news

 

People that act like you at the end when th person is dead will

start crying and say they wish this and that , but its to late when then to contact the dead person.

 

You just want to hold on to the pain and revenge etc.

But dont you know your kids learn from you and that there is no perfect parent?

Your kids hear and see how you deal with your own mother.

So that is what they may take as normal if there comes a conflict between you and them.

 

The one had alcoholic mother, the other had no mother at all, the other had

abusive mother,the other had a mother that did not know how to take care of them, the other had selfish mother, the other had a mother that changed partners a lot, the other had a mother that only showed love to one of her favorites.

 

I think when it comes to mother, you should be able to at least be

a hour at her bed.

Often people confess when they are dying. But if she dont at least you can be

able to see her and on the short or long run find closure.

 

I dont think a mother in general will do something to her kid cause of fun.

But cause of things she have been true often that she did not know

how to deal with and heal from it and did not search for help for it.

Or know how to search for help.

Maybe what she did to you is what her parents did to her.

Parents often dont talk about their past.

So kids often dont really know why.

 

I think you need to tell everyone you can contact about your mother's situation.

So they can be there and make their own choices.

Today the day there is no excuse , cause you even have facebook where you can find allot of the people.

 

You one have this one chance. Its now or never.

I think you could go to her without

expecting noting.

You can go with one other person that can be your support while being there.

 

I dont know its your life. But dead doesnt wait for anyone .

ANd how difficult it is to get to her home is not a issue.

Cuase you have this neighbor of her that gives you any opportunity to

make it easy for you to get to your mom.

 

I think if you put down your pride, you will find it in your heart to go.

[sb129]

I also wonder what kind of message it sends to your kids- that its OK to write your mother off in the last stages of her life?

 

Sure it sounds like your mother wasn't ever going to win any parenting prizes, but forgiveness and compassion are an important part of life, and if your kids see you not exercising towards YOUR mother, maybe they won't think twice about doing it to you in the future.

[sb129]

Also- you aren't going to get anymore chances at this.

 

I think its much easier to cut contact with someone knowing they are still going to live their life and there is a chance that THEY may be the one that comes looking for forgiveness or to make amends. We can live in hope!

 

You know that isn't going to happen now.

If there is any chance that you are going to regret not saying goodbye or making peace, then I say do it.