triangle of betrayal

[tiamat]

My wife and I have been married for one year, but have been together, and lived together for 5 years before the marriage. For quite some time I've been distancing myself without realizing what I was doing, or so it seems to me now.

 

A few months ago we met someone else, another woman, who became what seemed like a good friend at the time. Although my wife and I had always had the philosophy of "Open Marriage" at heart neither of us had acted on this before. This then friend of ours went through some troubles and we let her stay with us for a short while. Well, one thing led to another and I ended up sleeping with her. My wife knew about this, and except for the first time, was with us either just in the room, or participating.

 

When we first discussed the "Open Marriage/Relationship" years before, we'd set up some ground rules, the primary of which being that if either of us was uncomfortable with what was happening with the other, we would have a "veto" power to end it, in this way making sure that we kept ourselves in focus, and ensuring that we remained happy with any situation.

 

After this "triangle" had been going on for a while, my wife became uncomfortable, and asked me to stop. Unfortunately at the time I was thinking with the wrong head mostly and it took quite some convincing on her part to actually get me to stop. When I did, I asked the other woman to move out ASAP as well as it was just too uncomfortable with her still staying there, and my wife and I needing to sort out our own problems as well. You see, for a while we'd been having troubles ourselves and this just came at such a bad time.

 

When the other woman left, I began to feel guilty about how i'd "invited her in then thrown her out". My wife asked me please not to see her or make contact again. She (my wife) had to travel overseas for a family event and after promising her I would not make contact with this woman again ...

 

I make contact. Went to see the other woman at her work and to talk. In my mind at the time i just wanted to explain the situation appologise and let us all move on. I ended up talking to this woman for quite some time, and she ended up coming home with me. We did not sleep together, but I did kiss her "goodbye". I told my wife all of this via the Internet & sms.

 

My wife felt betrayed and that she could not trust me anymore, and didn't want to come home.

 

This kind of woke me up to what I'd done.

For 6 years it seems I've always put others first. If my wife needed something, but it might upset a friend, i'd rather not upset the friend.

 

well, My wife did come home about 2 weeks ago. We're trying desperately to work through the pain, the betrayal, and to try not mend what we had, as that was unpleasant as it was, but to create something new, with mutual consideration, love and caring.

 

My wife is of course taking strain. I'm trying really hard to show her I understand that I betrayed her by breaking that promise, one of many I've broken over the years. I try not to use the word "promise" in any sentence now, no matter how minor, as I can see even that upsets her.

 

so what am I asking ?

 

I'm not really sure myself. I'm just hoping for some insight.

 

I love her more than anything, and the thought of her leaving me, which she almost did, tore me apart.

[painter]

well im the wife. and yes i had the "why are you going so crazy over something so minor?" question thrown at me.

well, to begin at the beginning, this woman started to grope my husband before she knew we had an open relationship. we both assumed she knew but it turned out she didnt (a fact i only found out after it was already 'too late to do anything' in my mind)

she also brought her child with her when she came to stay with us. this child was permanently hysterical and she would beat him till he wet himself. there is just so much that happened during the course of this ... thing i cant put it all down in one go.

she truly made me believe that she wanted to be my friend and was forward enough sexually that for someone as naieve as me.....well i guess it sounds stupid to say i never found her very attractive. i just liked the idea of tiamat being happy and he was so obviously in love.

i didnt let myself mind or notice how wrong things were until he told me to move out. iwe had been having increasing problems with me being taken for granted and made to mother him for a very long time before this.

i was however, still determined to stay true to him and show him my love so i tried to patch things up as best i could. i agreed we needed time apart and hoped that my trip overseas for 3 weeks would help.

he promised me that he would not make ANY contact with her ever again.

i promised myself that this was the last time i would put myself through his psychological abuse.

he was making plans to go and see her to "talk things out" before my plane even left the ground. i was still in the air when he brought her back to out home and she slept in our house before my feet touched the ground on the other side.

he only even told me because i asked and i only asked a week later.

i fell apart and he got angry with me for being upset.

i got hysterical because he quite obviously refused to even care that he had hurt me. i sent some nasty text messages and he cancelled my cellphone. i was stuck in a foriegn country with no way of communicating.

i decided to divorce him.

so why am i back?

i love him?

he needs me?

nobody else has ever given him the love he needs?

all of the above

i care about him so deeply.

what frightens me is that i have realised that i sound like all the abused spouses i have ever heard of who go back for more of the same, again and again.

that and he is so manipulative. i dont think he even realises he is doing it. i have to stay vigilant constantly to stop myself from going back to taking care of everything for him.

am i going to end up going through this again and again for the rest of my life?

how did i let myself be led by the nose?

and i am angry, so deep down blood angry.

i feel like the worlds most complete fool

and yet im back here

in our bed

[supermom]

Wow, it's really interesting to actually get to hear both sides of the story right away.

this child was permanently hysterical and she would beat him till he wet himself.

That's horrible ! I hate moms like that.

 

Is this going to close your open relationship?

 

Hopefully you two can move past this, as you both agreed to the open relationship, unfortunately, I've never seen it work.

 

Maybe you should go to marriage counceling, in a way, to close this chapter of your life.

 

I've never been in this situation so it is hard for me to really give you good advise, I am just trying to picture myself in this situation for what I would do, but I don't know for sure.

 

Maybe painter should give her a wake up call - has she tried contact since?

[painter]

she did try to get him to phone her but i asked him to send a reply to her telling her not to contact either of us again

she hasnt tried since.

the relationship is closed for now. i dont think i could relax long enough to even begin to heal if i didnt have that security

if she did try to make contact i would get a restraining order immediately.

the night she stayed over after i left she came into our bedroom naked and tried to convince tiamat to let her sleep there with him, so i know she had malicious intentions.

[painter]

i am starting to get over some of my anger now.

 

i threw a box of the OW's over a wall near our house and that made a big difference. i no longer want to hurt hur physically.

i do still want to cause her pain and i dont like having that kind of hatred in my head.

 

tiamat and i are slowly healing although he does seem to still cut off from me sometimes.

and we have had a couple of HUGE blowouts!

overall i have let go of a lot of my anger towards him because i have seen definate improvements in the way we relate and how he treats me now.

 

i just want to learn to deal with the anger i still feel as its getting me more and more depressed. i have put on weight again and am not taking good care of myself. not enough for anyone else to realy notice except family but still.