- Gf to "Friends with Benefits" ?

[Kossb]

Hi everyone

 

I really need some advice from you guys.

 

Met a girl from a dating site about 3 months ago. She was about a month out from breaking up with her ex-bf of a year (they broke up about 3 times in that period, she said she did love him though, but it was never going to work - he worked away for 2 months or so at a time.However, they are still friends). We are both 40.

 

Things were going great - sex was intense and passionate, we had fun together and laughed a lot, had a great time over Xmas where I met her friends at parties etc, who all told me how much she liked me. I was a bit wary though as it all seemed a bit too rushed, so resolved to take things slowly my end in case she was just on a rebound.

 

She wanted to meet my parents in the New Year , so we arranged that ( I wasn't too fussed, but she was getting a bit paranoid about it, started believing I was embarrassed to introduce her). Later the same day she spontaneously decides to introduce me to her kids, which went fine (this is when I thought she was getting really serious). She's making all the running in the relationship. This was just over 2 weeks ago.

 

2 days later she rings me up and dumps me !!! Quotes loads of reasons about neglecting her kids and feeling guilty ( I only saw her 1-2 nights a week when kids were with Dad so that didn't sit right), she's jumped into the relationship too soon, it's not right for her, she hasn't got her head straight and she doesn't want to mess me around.

 

 

On this basis I concluded she's a bit messed up and a proper relationship is not on the cards for me anyway, so decided not to fight for her, and called it quits with her. She's emotionally unavailable, possibly on the rebound. Or the ex-bf is home and back on the scene. Either way it's all over, which made me a little sad as we had great fun together - and the sex was amazing. I could never get into a proper LTR with her again now as my trust, which was slowly building and hard to get anyway, has gone after the fiasco of the breakup.

 

I've been thinking about it, and am wondering if contacting her and offering "friends with benefits" might be an option though ?

 

There was no bitterness in the breakup or arguing. Very amicable, and I'm emailing her tickets and stuff she needs which I've booked for her before the BU etc. She is a genuinely nice person and I miss the sex already, I'm sure she does as (and I'm not exaggerating or boasting) she would orgasm loudly at least twice during each lovemaking session and always told me how good it was in bed.

 

I'm thinking FWB would give her time to her sort her head out as regards what she wants from a LTR (not with me though, as I'm done) and with who, whilst letting us both enjoy the sex for a while ?

 

Is it too soon to discuss something like this after breaking up ? Will it completely hack her off, and should I wait a bit longer before mentioning it ?

 

What's the chances the ex-bf is back on the scene and that's the real cause ? ( Note - she doesn't want to talk to me on the phone anymore)

 

Or should I just leave things there ? I would like to keep her as a friend at least.

 

What would you guys do ?

 

Thanks for listening !

[monicaelise]

Hi everyone

 

I really need some advice from you guys.

 

Met a girl from a dating site about 3 months ago. She was about a month out from breaking up with her ex-bf of a year (they broke up about 3 times in that period, she said she did love him though, but it was never going to work - he worked away for 2 months or so at a time.However, they are still friends). We are both 40.

 

Things were going great - sex was intense and passionate, we had fun together and laughed a lot, had a great time over Xmas where I met her friends at parties etc, who all told me how much she liked me. I was a bit wary though as it all seemed a bit too rushed, so resolved to take things slowly my end in case she was just on a rebound.

 

She wanted to meet my parents in the New Year , so we arranged that ( I wasn't too fussed, but she was getting a bit paranoid about it, started believing I was embarrassed to introduce her). Later the same day she spontaneously decides to introduce me to her kids, which went fine (this is when I thought she was getting really serious). She's making all the running in the relationship. This was just over 2 weeks ago.

 

2 days later she rings me up and dumps me !!! Quotes loads of reasons about neglecting her kids and feeling guilty ( I only saw her 1-2 nights a week when kids were with Dad so that didn't sit right), she's jumped into the relationship too soon, it's not right for her, she hasn't got her head straight and she doesn't want to mess me around.

 

 

On this basis I concluded she's a bit messed up and a proper relationship is not on the cards for me anyway, so decided not to fight for her, and called it quits with her. She's emotionally unavailable, possibly on the rebound. Or the ex-bf is home and back on the scene. Either way it's all over, which made me a little sad as we had great fun together - and the sex was amazing. I could never get into a proper LTR with her again now as my trust, which was slowly building and hard to get anyway, has gone after the fiasco of the breakup.

 

I've been thinking about it, and am wondering if contacting her and offering "friends with benefits" might be an option though ?

 

There was no bitterness in the breakup or arguing. Very amicable, and I'm emailing her tickets and stuff she needs which I've booked for her before the BU etc. She is a genuinely nice person and I miss the sex already, I'm sure she does as (and I'm not exaggerating or boasting) she would orgasm loudly at least twice during each lovemaking session and always told me how good it was in bed.

 

I'm thinking FWB would give her time to her sort her head out as regards what she wants from a LTR (not with me though, as I'm done) and with who, whilst letting us both enjoy the sex for a while ?

 

Is it too soon to discuss something like this after breaking up ? Will it completely hack her off, and should I wait a bit longer before mentioning it ?

 

What's the chances the ex-bf is back on the scene and that's the real cause ? ( Note - she doesn't want to talk to me on the phone anymore)

 

Or should I just leave things there ? I would like to keep her as a friend at least.

 

What would you guys do ?

 

Thanks for listening !

 

Has she given you any indication at all that she has even a remote interest in a FWB situation with you? If you're going solely by the fact that she seemed to really enjoy your time in bed with her, I would definitely think twice about contacting her at all. Some women are very blessed with a high level of responsiveness to just about anyone. There's also the possibility that there was a bit of play acting going on.

 

So, unless you've been given some sort of obvious, clear green light, I would leave things alone. If she wants you, she'll let you know.

[pbjbear]

I dont think you care about her sorting her head. I think you just care about YOU getting sex for as long as you can

[neveragain34]

For her to drop you like that out of the blue, sounds like she's back with ex and they have a dysfunctional relationship. She also sounds like a borderline with her ability to switch the "off" button so easily. Did you do anything that may have caused that?

 

If she's a sexual person (which it sounds like), maybe she will be open to FWB, but I don't think she'll be able to do that without feelings involved and it could get messy.

 

Why not find another FWB and save yourself the drama of this woman?

[KungFuJoe]

Not that I'm against ex sex or FWB scenarios with ex (would be a hypocrite if I said I was) but op, your "reasoning" behind it is laughable at best.

[Kossb]

Has she given you any indication at all that she has even a remote interest in a FWB situation with you? If you're going solely by the fact that she seemed to really enjoy your time in bed with her, I would definitely think twice about contacting her at all. Some women are very blessed with a high level of responsiveness to just about anyone. There's also the possibility that there was a bit of play acting going on.

 

So, unless you've been given some sort of obvious, clear green light, I would leave things alone. If she wants you, she'll let you know.

 

I am thinking twice, that's why I'm asking for advice !

 

She hasn't given any indication at all since we both agreed to go separate ways - gets me thinking the ex-bf is back on the scene, or she's so muddled she just wants complete space, as she doesn't want to talk on the phone - she thinks I'll try and talk her back into the relationship (which I definitely won't and have told her)

 

She definitely wasn't play-acting, I thought about that. She would demand I stopped as she would get hyper-sensitive after orgasm, and it would become painful or she would pass out.

 

What exactly have I got to lose if I suggest it ? The relationship is over - she can only say no, the only downside is I might lose a friend if she reacts badly to it.

[Kossb]

I dont think you care about her sorting her head. I think you just care about YOU getting sex for as long as you can

 

Actually I do, as she has issues with her kids which are emotionally and physically draining for her too. I'm thinking this gives her an outlet as well as me, and we both get on well together.

 

But there's no point in FWB if the sex is crap. May aswell just be Friends then.

[Kossb]

For her to drop you like that out of the blue, sounds like she's back with ex and they have a dysfunctional relationship. She also sounds like a borderline with her ability to switch the "off" button so easily. Did you do anything that may have caused that?

 

If she's a sexual person (which it sounds like), maybe she will be open to FWB, but I don't think she'll be able to do that without feelings involved and it could get messy.

 

Why not find another FWB and save yourself the drama of this woman?

 

Yeah, exactly what I'm thinking - plus she first tried to use her kids as the reason for the BU, and then changed her tune to the other reasons I've stated.

 

I asked her if its anything I'd said ir done, or maybe a bad reaction from the kids, but she replied no, it was her, she hasn't got her head sorted (about what I don't know).

 

Also - she is on anti-depressants for 2 years following her father's death and the pressures of looking after her kids. So drama is the right word I think - whether she's a lover, FWB or just a friend ! I do worry about her though, have done from day 1 depsite telling myself to keep that emotional distance.

[monicaelise]

I am thinking twice, that's why I'm asking for advice !

 

She hasn't given any indication at all since we both agreed to go separate ways - gets me thinking the ex-bf is back on the scene, or she's so muddled she just wants complete space, as she doesn't want to talk on the phone - she thinks I'll try and talk her back into the relationship (which I definitely won't and have told her)

 

She definitely wasn't play-acting, I thought about that. She would demand I stopped as she would get hyper-sensitive after orgasm, and it would become painful or she would pass out.

 

What exactly have I got to lose if I suggest it ? The relationship is over - she can only say no, the only downside is I might lose a friend if she reacts badly to it.

 

Face, for one thing. I don't know about you but I think there's something to be said for preserving one's dignity. This may not be something you care about but, as a woman, once I've lost respect for a man the odds I will want to get naked with him again go down dramatically.

 

Also, you may discover things weren't exactly as you thought they were. As I've said before, some women are just highly responsive. Even if it wasn't play acting, there's no reason to assume that whoever is giving it to her now isn't getting the same response (or better) from her that you did. Some of us are just really lucky that way. That doesn't mean we want a physical relationship with every man who's ever gotten us off.

 

Your last point is also something worth considering. If she's not into it and is insulted by the suggestion, you do risk the potential loss of a friend.

[KungFuJoe]

What monica said.

 

You don't just ASK for a FWB scenario with an ex. It's pathetic. If it happens, it happens. But don't ask for it like a dog begging for scraps at a dinner table.

[Play]

I would lose respect for you and that's not sexy.

[Kossb]

Face, for one thing. I don't know about you but I think there's something to be said for preserving one's dignity. This may not be something you care about but, as a woman, once I've lost respect for a man the odds I will want to get naked with him again go down dramatically.

 

Also, you may discover things weren't exactly as you thought they were. As I've said before, some women are just highly responsive. Even if it wasn't play acting, there's no reason to assume that whoever is giving it to her now isn't getting the same response (or better) from her that you did. Some of us are just really lucky that way. That doesn't mean we want a physical relationship with every man who's ever gotten us off.

 

Your last point is also something worth considering. If she's not into it and is insulted by the suggestion, you do risk the potential loss of a friend.

 

Yes, I've had the same thoughts.

 

Don't know what she would have lost respect for though - if she's being genuine and her head is muddled, she's jumped too soon etc then its nothing I've done. She stated that too - it's all her, nothing I've done (which is usually coder for I'm seeing someone else or I've just had enough)

 

Agree on the physical side - it wasn't that difficult to bring her off, and could easily imagine another guy doing similar I think.

[pbjbear]

Actually I do, as she has issues with her kids which are emotionally and physically draining for her too. I'm thinking this gives her an outlet as well as me, and we both get on well together.

 

But there's no point in FWB if the sex is crap. May aswell just be Friends then.

 

Of course you will rationalize you getting your cake and eating it too any way you want...

[Kossb]

Also

 

What about the complete turnaround in 48 hrs after meeting her kids ?

 

Does this smack of the ex-bf being back on the scene ? She always stated she could never cheat on someone and would end things with someone if she was even thinking of going elsewhere.

 

I thought it might be a bad reaction from the kids, but she assured me this wasn't the case. My parents liked her too, so it wasn't her picking up bad vibes from them either.

[monicaelise]

Yes, I've had the same thoughts.

 

Don't know what she would have lost respect for though - if she's being genuine and her head is muddled, she's jumped too soon etc then its nothing I've done. She stated that too - it's all her, nothing I've done (which is usually coder for I'm seeing someone else or I've just had enough)

 

Agree on the physical side - it wasn't that difficult to bring her off, and could easily imagine another guy doing similar I think.

 

You asked what you have to lose, not what you've lost. She will lose respect for you if you go groveling after her for sex. You may think there's a "cool" way to go about asking for it, but there's not. If she wants sex from you she will let you know. If you chase after her for it, especially after being dumped, you will look like a chump...regardless of how "light" or "laid back" you think you're being when you make the "suggestion".

[neveragain34]

She doesn't want to talk on the phone because she thinks you'll convince her to get back together????? Do you truly believe this? She doesn't want to talk because her boyfriend is with her!!

 

This woman sounds like a mess. I know you care about her and worry about her, but sleeping with her is definitely NOT going to help her emotional stability.

 

Sounds like there is something addicting about her, but you really need to move on before it gets harder. I have the feeling she will eventually come crawling back once her and her bf start having problems again so be prepared to fight the urges when that time comes.

 

Unless of course you like the drama, then that's another story...

[Kossb]

Of course you will rationalize you getting your cake and eating it too any way you want...

 

 

There have to be benefits to both - you both have to enjoy the sex with no-strings attached, and you have to be comfortable with each other too, and actually give a stuff - justy understand that a long-tem relationship is not on the cards.

 

I'll make no secret of the fact that I would enjoy the sex, but I understand her personal issues too and have been able to work around them with her (it makes breaking up even more confusing !), as we got on so well outside the bedroom). It would not just be a bang.

[Kossb]

She doesn't want to talk on the phone because she thinks you'll convince her to get back together????? Do you truly believe this? She doesn't want to talk because her boyfriend is with her!!

 

This woman sounds like a mess. I know you care about her and worry about her, but sleeping with her is definitely NOT going to help her emotional stability.

 

Sounds like there is something addicting about her, but you really need to move on before it gets harder. I have the feeling she will eventually come crawling back once her and her bf start having problems again so be prepared to fight the urges when that time comes.

 

Unless of course you like the drama, then that's another story...

 

Yup, the more I think about it the more I'm coming to the same conclusion.

 

She remained "good friends" after they broke up in August - and the 48 hr turnaround was so bizarre with no indication it was coming ( and she was doing all the pushing with kids, family etc) - there must have been a major turnaround in her life and thinking somewhere to cause this.

 

She is a mess, but she wasn't when we were together, it was really fun and the sex was great. Hence the "addiction" I guess, but not from an emotional point of view - I've found that side of things really easy to deal with after the initial shock, as my emotioanl trust went straight away.