Can't get him to date me...

[fran31]

I met a man who is 31, I am also 31. We have not officially gone on any dates, only met up twice. The two times we met, we did engage in physical intimacy...don't know if this is important yet. My problem is that this guy is just too focused on his work to pursue dating. He has a job which requires him to work long hours, and he does not want to seem to be distracted by dating. Perhaps he just isn't interested in pursuing me. However, as a female, I do believe it is possible to get this guy to ask me out, if I have some sort of strategy to pursue him. He is definatley what I am looking for, I just need advice on how to get him!

 

 

I called him yesterday to say hello, and he expressed disappointment that he has had "no summer" due to working long hours, and just wants to get away for vacation next week. He then said he would call me when he gets back after labor day, but I have a feeling he is going to be so absorbed in work, he will forget. When he is not at work, on weekends he is off doing "guy" stuff. I am going to wait one week after labor day and if he doesn't call, I will re-follow up with him. I am a very persistant person, and I am dealing with a guy who just doesn't date! I don't want to chase him, nor do I want to give up...so I have to find some middle ground where I can let him know I want to hang out without looking desperate or putting pressure on him. If anyone has advice on dealing with guys who work crazy hours and are stricly focused on work and nothing else, please let me know. I am sure you are asking why I would want to date someone so involved with his job, but this guy seems to be a good catch. Who knows though...

 

Thanks for reading.

[clandestinidad]

I'm not sure what you meant by "physical intimacy" but I gotta tell you that if you did ANYTHING physical from the get-go and then have been calling him, he's not interested. I know it sucks....but I've been down that road, and learned a few things. For some reason, after doing things with guys (even just "making out"), they get all freaked out if we show any sort of interest in a friendship or dating. Ive learned that as much as games suck, early on we have to be patient and aloof, and let the guy persue us. I dont think that the reason he's not calling you or dating you is because of work. I think its because you did the one thing most girls do at some point, which was to be physical with him and call him. He sounds like someone who should be backed off from, and become a memory in your mind. But, when he knows youre not persuing him, he may bounce back and persue you in return. Who knows

[honey2005]

I agree with kat, maybe being physical with him so early, and before you got any form of committment from him may have been a mistake.

[Fran31]

You guys are right, I did screw up by "hooking up" twice with him, and not letting him court me. Why did he freak out and go cold turkey though? I just don't get it. I know that he won't pursue me in the near future, and it is really hard to let go. We had amazing chemistry, and it took me 4 years to find this "feeling" with someone. Why did this "someone" have to go and be a freaked out jerk and run away from me? It is so unfair. We have a lot of common interests, and I know that we could have a great time together, even as friends. I really don't want to give up on this guy, but I am afraid if I call him again after not hearing from him in a few weeks, he will just be more freaked out. Maybe I could invite him to do an activity, something neutral, where he won't feel pressured or the need to be remotely intimate or romantic. I don't think I can wait another 4 years to feel this chemistry....it doesn't come along that often and it hurts too much when it is just stolen away in the blink of an eye. Thanks.

[morrigan]

I'm not trying to hurt your feelings, but for whatever reasons this man has--too involved with work, you both rushed intimacy way too soon for his comfort--it just doesn't sound like he feels the same attraction that you do. You may end up being very hurt and disappointed if you try to put all of your hopes into having a future relationship with this man. It may happen, but it very well may not.

 

It may be a better idea to back away from this man and start trying to meet other people and doing other things. Don't wait by the phone, hoping this man will give you a call. Get out and have a good time. If he calls, make plans for an actual date and have a good time. If he doesn't call, he probably wasn't the kind of person you wanted to be with, and move on.