Bf cheated then I did (he doesn't know) but I'm hurting still

[InvibmOlive]

Can this relationship still work out? He cheated 7 months ago but I'm still hurt about it. He has shown remorse and does wants this to work.

 

Now here is a different issue: I did get back at him with an old high school crush (Joseph). I didn't have sex but did some other things and this happened just last month. Though I like him, I'm going to work on my relationship. He doesn't know and will never find out. Joseph knows the situation too but won't tell and yes we're still talking on facebook sometimes. Though we've made it clear there won't be any intimate contact no more, just as friends.

 

I still love him but I'm still hurting at the same time. I keep wondering why he didn't have any self-control if he claims to loving me.

I'm still having a hard time getting over everything I imagine he did with the other woman. My mind keeps playing things I imagine and it makes me not even want to kiss him at times. Currently, I'm making him work on getting my trust back.

[InvibmOlive]

So can this still work out? I mean he started it. I didn't ask to be cheated on.

[loversquarrel]

So can this still work out? I mean he started it. I didn't ask to be cheated on.

 

 

I think you need to be honest with him about what you did. I revenge cheated on my wife, but the difference between you and me is that I wanted her to find out, and she did when I told her. I knew my marriage was over at that point, but I wanted her to feel what I felt. I have to admit, at the time I didn't care, but I have grown to regret it. I gave up on my own morals and values. I later realized the best way to get back is to leave, which is what I should have done in the first place.

 

As for your relationship, I don't think it will work. The two of you are lacking in the strongest foundation a relationship needs, trust. He destroyed the trust and can't expect you to be faithful after he cheated. Telling him is wise, it will clear your conscience and see if he is man enough to blame himself for what you did. You will be able to tell the difference between hurting his ego or his heart.

[GSB81]

You deserve to tell him. He has it coming. Hope he enjoys it.

[TaraMaiden]

Revenge sex is stupid, dumb and doesn't work.

 

As you have found out.

 

How old are you guys?

[Ladybugz]

But you dont even respect yourself.

 

You should tell him cause you both on the same page now.

[road]

Invibmolive,

How old are you two?

 

As you found out RA's, revenge affairs do not work.

 

Based on your age and length of relationship you will be most likely better off ending this relationship.

 

As to you and your OM they cheat with you they will cheat on you. This OM is letting you stay in contact because no matter what he is saying he wants another hop in bed with you. Cheaters are not special.

 

Whether you stay or break up you need to tell your BF that you cheated on him. A relationship can not be based on lies.

[venusianx13]

I was in a long-term relationship with a cheater. I wanted very badly to believe that he would change, but he didn't. After cheat #3 on his part, and his continuous shady behavior, my feelings toward him deteriorated and I ended up cheating (not purely for revenge, but because I met someone who treated me very well...however, my ill feelings toward him made it all the more easier to go for it!) It was such a mistake. I felt awful. I kept it a secret for about 4 months, but it gnawed away at me. His behavior continued to be evasive, and I just couldn't take any of it anymore, and told him what I had done. That's when he told me of other things about his infidelity I had yet to find out, and our relationship ended. For good.

 

Keeping what you did from him will not heal any aspect of your hurting relationship. You need to tell him.

[Chi townD]

I still love him but I'm still hurting at the same time. I keep wondering why he didn't have any self-control if he claims to loving me.

 

Isn't that the pot calling the kettle black? Why didn't YOU have any self-control!

[pbjbear]

You sound young.

 

Move on.

 

Relationships arent supposed to be this hard. Your trust will never go fully back to the way it is.

 

You should focus on finding another guy who is worthy of your trust in the first place.

 

I wouldnt ever want to get physical with someone who cheated on me...thats one reason why when it happens, I let go and move on.

 

Guys who have no self control will do it again in my opinion.

 

Revenge cheating is stupid. Learn from this and dont do it again. Revenge cheating doesnt make you feel better and doesnt change your boyfriend's character

Edited January 30, 2013 by pbjbear

[nofool4u]

Can this relationship still work out? He cheated 7 months ago but I'm still hurt about it. He has shown remorse and does wants this to work.

 

Now here is a different issue: I did get back at him with an old high school crush (Joseph). I didn't have sex but did some other things and this happened just last month. Though I like him, I'm going to work on my relationship. He doesn't know and will never find out.

 

So basically you were afforded the opportunity to decide whether to forgive your bf or not, but you will not afford that opportunity now to him?

 

If you plan on keeping him in the dark about this, then you never bring up his cheating again. You lost that right now.

 

 

Joseph knows the situation too but won't tell and yes we're still talking on facebook sometimes.

 

So basically you are still cheating on your bf. This isn't working on the relationship.

 

 

Though we've made it clear there won't be any intimate contact no more, just as friends.

 

Sorry, thats unacceptable. Would you want your bf to be friends with the girl he cheated on you with?

 

 

I still love him but I'm still hurting at the same time. I keep wondering why he didn't have any self-control if he claims to loving me.

 

Ask that of yourself and there is your answer. You did it too.

 

 

I'm still having a hard time getting over everything I imagine he did with the other woman. My mind keeps playing things I imagine and it makes me not even want to kiss him at times. Currently, I'm making him work on getting my trust back.

 

Really? So you are going to hold his feet to the fire as a cheater, and rightfully so, but you are going to make him think he is the only one in this relationship that has cheated?

 

I think you need to break up with him. You are pulling a double standard and are making him pay, while you get off easy.

[Samilia]

Can this relationship still work out? He cheated 7 months ago but I'm still hurt about it. He has shown remorse and does wants this to work.

 

Now here is a different issue: I did get back at him with an old high school crush (Joseph). I didn't have sex but did some other things and this happened just last month. Though I like him, I'm going to work on my relationship. He doesn't know and will never find out. Joseph knows the situation too but won't tell and yes we're still talking on facebook sometimes. Though we've made it clear there won't be any intimate contact no more, just as friends.

 

I still love him but I'm still hurting at the same time. I keep wondering why he didn't have any self-control if he claims to loving me.

I'm still having a hard time getting over everything I imagine he did with the other woman. My mind keeps playing things I imagine and it makes me not even want to kiss him at times. Currently, I'm making him work on getting my trust back.

 

Ah.. where was your own self control? To be honest the only difference between your bf and you is that you didn't get caught.I wonder what he'd say about working on getting your trust back if he knew.

 

You should come clean.

[InvibmOlive]

Taramaiden I didn't have sex with Joseph;we fooled around and did all the other things but sex. Though I really felt like going all the way on that day but stopped him and decided that was it.

 

In regards to our ages: 24 and 27.

 

Why I didn't have self-control? Well I sure did have before he cheated. Anger can at times make me react and it doesn't go away until you do something about it.

[InvibmOlive]

Isn't that the pot calling the kettle black? Why didn't YOU have any self-control!

I know. I admit being hypocritical in my situation but usually it's more painful the one that cheats first than the one cheating back.

Sure if he were to find out, now it would be me gaining his trust back but nothing compare to what I felt when I first found out.

[InvibmOlive]

thats unacceptable. Would you want your bf to be friends with the girl he cheated on you with?

He better not else it would be over right away. In my case, it's different. I was deeply hurt to the point I once didn't eat for a whole day and in a way sought consolation. Joseph seems to understand me. I guess it's different for us. I didn't cheat just ''Oh he's good looking'' nor just for pure physical but because in the state of mind I was in.

[Chi townD]

I know. I admit being hypocritical in my situation but usually it's more painful the one that cheats first than the one cheating back.

Sure if he were to find out, now it would be me gaining his trust back but nothing compare to what I felt when I first found out.

 

 

Hey, I feel you in a sense. But, I was cheated on and dumped in one of the most cruelest ways possible and I didn't cheat. I hurt badly and it would have been easy to find solace in some other girls embrace, but was it going to solve all my problems? Was it going to make everything alright? It wouldn't for me and I'm guessing it didn't for you or else you wouldn't be posting here looking for advice.

 

For whoever cheats first or second....it really doesn't matter, it hurts regardless and it's going to hurt. Revenge affairs NEVER make anything better, they just put more complications on an already complicated situation. So, did you do this with "Joe" as revenge? Thinking that if he could do it so could I? And you can tell me that it wasn't that bad because we didn't have sex. I'm speculating that you probably did everything else besides sex. So, does that mean that it's going to hurt less for your boyfriend if he ever learns the truth? Bottomline, you enjoyed physical gratification with another man. So, your little tryist with "Joe" is just as painful as if you went all the way with him.

 

I think it's time to come clean with your boyfriend about what happened. I mean, he was wrong and, now, you were wrong....so, now's the time to clear the air and see where this relationship is going without anymore secrets or lies.

[pbjbear]

I believe you when you say you wouldnt have done it if he hadnt cheated.

 

Some people say things they dont mean out of anger, some people do things too...

 

I wouldnt beat yourself up over it. Learn from the experience and now you know revenge cheating isnt healthy or even useful at all.

 

Leave this relationship...the fact that you even revenge cheated shows this current relationship isnt worth it.

 

I studied abroad my last year of college in Australia and went with 6 other girls from my college. 5 of those girls were in serious relationships. 4 of them cheated on their boyfriends regularly while we were away. 2 of them only started cheating after they found out their boyfriends at home had cheated while they were away...it happens. What those 2 girls did was wrong and hurtful, they should have dumped their bf's so they could have fun without being a cheater. But some people dont react well due to anger...hence why crimes of passion are so common

Edited January 30, 2013 by pbjbear

[nofool4u]

He better not else it would be over right away.

 

So you have a double standard.

 

 

In my case, it's different.

 

No, its not.

 

 

I was deeply hurt to the point I once didn't eat for a whole day and in a way sought consolation. Joseph seems to understand me. I guess it's different for us. I didn't cheat just ''Oh he's good looking'' nor just for pure physical but because in the state of mind I was in.

 

Doesn't matter. You had the courtesy of deciding whether to forgive your bf. Your boyfriend isn't getting the same courtesy back from you, and you are going to hold his feet to the fire, when you cheated too. You are going to let him think he is the only cheater in this relationship.

 

And I don't care if this Joseph understands you. You cheated with him, and it is inappropriate for you to have any more contact with him.

 

If you think otherwise, then just break up with your bf.

 

And quit using your "state of mind" as an excuse for what you did, and an excuse to keep your bf in the dark and gaslight him.

 

What you are doing is called hypocrisy.