# of sexual partners changing my decision on moving forward?

[jamesbob]

Question. I have met a couple girls off the internet, pof and okcupid and the like. And my ex and I were our firsts. I have a big hangup re: these new girls having had many previous sexual partners. I believe it lies in this bit of logic I am about to post for you. I am hoping someone can either blow it apart or somehow convince me that it's okay to go near these girl's private locations.

 

Currently I have just been giving them the female equivalent of blue balls.....

 

The best, and most clear explanation I have, and believe that is the root of my issue is with these two conversations:

 

 

Virgin gal:

Me: How many sexual partners have you had?

Her: I am a virgin, I haven't yet met a man who is worthy of sleeping with me.

Me: You have high standards. If you have sex with me, that means you think I am awesome. You value me as a person and a human being.

 

 

Experienced gal:

Me: How many sexual partners have you had?

Her: About 50, I go through maybe 12 a year.

Me: You have low standards. If you have sex with me, it doesn't mean I am important or valued by you in any way. I am only a sex object to you.

 

I hope someone can help me out here as I think I would like to bang some of these girls, one of them explicitly told me they wanted to but I told her I am not interested due to this issue.

[Andy_K]

Get over your ego.

 

Or, base your being 'impotant and valued' on the feedback you get from her after sex, having been told you're fantastic in bed. If you don't get told that, practice until you do.

[Lani]

Having several sexual partners isn't about having low standards.

You have sex with different people for different reasons.

 

I think a persons sexual past is irrelevant, and if you asked me, I'd refuse to answer.

 

There's currently a big thread on this in the 'Cheating, Jealousy' section which might help you out.

[jamesbob]

Having several sexual partners isn't about having low standards.

You have sex with different people for different reasons.

 

I think a persons sexual past is irrelevant, and if you asked me, I'd refuse to answer.

 

There's currently a big thread on this in the 'Cheating, Jealousy' section which might help you out.

 

If there's 100 people in a room, and you have sex with 50 of them, then average is good enough for you. If you have sex with 10 of them, then you by definition have stricter requirements and standards for what you will accept.

 

I disagree that having several sexual partners isn't about having low standards.

 

I am not trying to argue with the advice being given, it's just another step in the logic I am trying to eliminate so that I can get over this hangup.

 

Thanks again.

[jamesbob]

why are you even asking that, it's none of your business!!!!

 

the past is the past.... leave it there, enjoy the person she is, and the one she could be....

 

 

Apologies,

 

I'll edit the OP, I am not saying I am asking these girls this question. The hypothetical conversations I have posted are simply to illustrate what I believe is the root cause of my hangup.

 

Well it will not let me edit the OP now.

[Lani]

Nah, you can't edit OP's unless nobody has commented.

 

I think what we're all trying to say is that it shouldn't matter how many people your partners have slept with prior to you.

All that matters is that you want to have sex with that person, and they want to do the same with you. End of story.

[jamesbob]

Nah, you can't edit OP's unless nobody has commented.

 

I think what we're all trying to say is that it shouldn't matter how many people your partners have slept with prior to you.

All that matters is that you want to have sex with that person, and they want to do the same with you. End of story.

 

Right, it shouldn't. But it does, and I believe the cause is what I have posted in the OP. Basically that if you have had few partners, then you are having sex with me because you value me highly enough to be worthy of such an act. If you have had many, you are having sex with me because you enjoy sex, and I am just something to help you get off.

 

Please help me get over this.

Edited January 30, 2013 by jamesbob

[Lani]

Right, it shouldn't. But it does, and I believe the cause is what I have posted in the OP. Basically that if you have had few partners, then you are having sex with me because you value me highly enough to be worthy of such an act. If you have had many, you are having sex with me because you enjoy sex, and I am just something to help you get off.

 

Please help me get over this.

 

I can't help you get over this... you have to do that on your own.

 

I've had many sexual partners in the past. The reason I have sex with people is because I'm attracted to them, not just because it's someone to have sex with.

Yeah, I love it, but I don't do it with people I'm not attracted to. So I think you just need to keep that in mind. Some women will sleep with you sooner than others- this doesn't mean that they value you less than the other women, it just means they're more sexual and their attraction to you makes them not want to hold back.

[jamesbob]

I can't help you get over this... you have to do that on your own.

 

I've had many sexual partners in the past. The reason I have sex with people is because I'm attracted to them, not just because it's someone to have sex with.

Yeah, I love it, but I don't do it with people I'm not attracted to. So I think you just need to keep that in mind. Some women will sleep with you sooner than others- this doesn't mean that they value you less than the other women, it just means they're more sexual and their attraction to you makes them not want to hold back.

 

I suppose what could save me is if there was some way to test. Or qualify perhaps, to see where I stand in relation to the previous partners.

 

I am not putting it past a gal who has been very promiscuous to decide I am one of the best guys she has ever met and wants to have sex for more than just she is attracted and likes sex.

 

I honestly don't see how there could be any practical way to do such a thing though. If you ask a gal where you rank with her past guys, that's going to introduce a whole host of problems. And I seriously doubt I could get a trustworthy answer, especially if she likes me.

 

Again I am back to viewing sexual partners as an indicator. If she has only been with say two guys in five years, well damn I must be in some rarefied air. If she has been with twenty five, well I have no way of knowing if I am just above the cut-off for her physical requirements and am basically a sex object.

[Lani]

You're just putting way too much thought into all of this.

Don't even consider asking how you rate in comparison to other partners.. Yuk! This would end terribly for everyone!!!

 

A persons sexual partners cannot be a guide for how much they like you.

[jamesbob]

A persons sexual partners cannot be a guide for how much they like you.

 

Why do you say that?

 

Do you disagree with this:

 

Multiple partners: I may be just above the cut-off for her physical attractiveness standards and therefore only a sex object. = There's no way of knowing if she likes me or just likes my dick

 

Few partners: I am in some rarefied air and she only accepts a small % of guys. = She likes me for me, and dick is a bonus.

 

 

Again I feel the need to reiterate that I am trying to probe my own thought process and move forward with the gals I have been seeing. I am not trying to fight you, I'm just fleshing out these ideas...

[Lani]

 

Why do you say that?

 

 

I say that because I've slept with guys I really really like just as quickly as the ones I've liked a little less.

If anything, I sleep with the guys I really like sooner because I'm so much more attracted to them.

[animalover]

I don't think you should let anybody tell you what is or what is not important for you to date a girl!

I am a person who values sex and do not understand sex outside the love contest because when I do have sex with someone I put my soul on it and I expect the same back... I can't settle to have sex with someone who just have sex with anyone who is just attractive for her.

But that is just my way of understand sex, is not the truth for anybody else but me, and you should look for your own truth.

 

If you are ok with having casual sex, you should not have any problems with women who also like it... is just a game of giving and taking!

[jamesbob]

I say that because I've slept with guys I really really like just as quickly as the ones I've liked a little less.

If anything, I sleep with the guys I really like sooner because I'm so much more attracted to them.

 

Well obviously you are going to know that you like them for more than just sex. But how does the guy know that?

 

For example I have this blonde gal who explicitly told me she wanted me to stay over on our 2nd date. I barely even know her? Does she like me for me?(seems impossible considering we don't really know each other) Or does she just find me sexually attractive and want to have some fun(far more likely IMO).

 

If it's the second, more likely scenario, I am a sex object(and do not wish to be). If it's the first, then I would question her sanity.

 

 

Now here's the other rub. That doesn't really tell me much because some girls will make guys wait a month or two, while they will jump in the bed with a different guy in just a few days. So even if we wait and get to know each other, I still don't think it's as reliable an indicator of interest in me as a person as number of sexual partners.

 

If she's only been with two guys in the past and she is 25 years old, I can be pretty damn certain that I am meeting some stringent criteria in order to get in her pants.

 

If she's been with 5 every year going up to 25, well..... I might be at the bottom of her list.

[Mint Sauce]

as above, you don't have to get over this. Your reasoning is sound if you start from the fact that whether or not you have sex with someone depends on your appreciation of that person as a whole, not just the nice *****.

 

Find yourself a girl with the same attitude towards sex. Maybe pof and the likes are not the place to find those girls.

[Lani]

I don't base whether or not someone really likes me on their sexual past, and I'd hope that it would be the same in reverse.

 

There isn't really much more I can tell you here.

We have different opinions on it, and neither of us are necessarily right.

 

The only advice I will give you is that a lot women do not appreciate being asked about their sexual past. You might run into trouble before you even have the chance to sleep with any of them.

[animalover]

Well obviously you are going to know that you like them for more than just sex. But how does the guy know that?

 

For example I have this blonde gal who explicitly told me she wanted me to stay over on our 2nd date. I barely even know her? Does she like me for me?(seems impossible considering we don't really know each other) Or does she just find me sexually attractive and want to have some fun(far more likely IMO).

 

If it's the second, more likely scenario, I am a sex object(and do not wish to be). If it's the first, then I would question her sanity.

 

 

Now here's the other rub. That doesn't really tell me much because some girls will make guys wait a month or two, while they will jump in the bed with a different guy in just a few days. So even if we wait and get to know each other, I still don't think it's as reliable an indicator of interest in me as a person as number of sexual partners.

 

If she's only been with two guys in the past and she is 25 years old, I can be pretty damn certain that I am meeting some stringent criteria in order to get in her pants.

 

If she's been with 5 every year going up to 25, well..... I might be at the bottom of her list.

 

I think exactly in the same way that you do! How can you feel special when she actually has sleep with 20 men just last year???

[Mint Sauce]

Now here's the other rub. That doesn't really tell me much because some girls will make guys wait a month or two, while they will jump in the bed with a different guy in just a few days. So even if we wait and get to know each other, I still don't think it's as reliable an indicator of interest in me as a person as number of sexual partners.

 

I fully agree: number of previous sexual partners is a good indicator, and I've asked every girl I've slept with how many previous partners she had. If they refuse to tell me, or at least give me a ball park idea, they're out.

For one of them the number was higher than I felt comfortable with. I accepted it, which turned out to be a mistake...

 

Your criteria are your criteria. Don't conform, stick to them.

[jamesbob]

if they were that great, she would be with them.... she isn't...

 

This is helpful. Thank you.

 

So basically, if she pushes for commitment, then that is an indicator that she is in fact interested in you, even if she has very low standards for sexual partners.

 

 

This may reveal something strange about me here, but I would be fine being in a committed relationship but for some reason I think I would be grossed out having sex with her. It isn't that insecurity hangup, because everything can be worked on and improved.

 

This doesn't line up with what I thought my original reasoning was... I will have to do some more thought on my own to figure this out I suppose.

[Lani]

Are we talking past as in the last year, or their whole life?

I had a promiscuous late teens and early twenties. Then I was in a relationship for 2.5 years. Since then, I've been with far less guys.

So although my total number is pretty high, it's not who I am now.

Would I still be judged on that total number??

[TaraMaiden]

Hyperanalysis causes paralysis.

 

You're over-thinking this.

 

No two people are the same.

In fact, you're not the same.

Not the same person you were 2 years ago, maybe, that is....

 

Circumstances change us, experiences change us, perceptions change us.

People evolve and adapt to circumstance.

So a girl may have slept with the previous guy she met, within a day of meeting him.

However, she might have taken 3 months, with the guy before....

 

The whys hows wheres and sexual habits of these women isn't the problem.

 

The problem - is you.

 

I think rather than try to date and consider the sexual questions which burn your brain - you may like to talk to a therapist and investigate why you have this judgemental attitude.

That's not a criticism - but it's a hurdle you yourself have admitted exists, and i get the feeling you don't like yourself for it....

 

Where does it stem from?

Where did it start?

Why do you think you HAVE this attitude?

 

Instead of seeking outward, look inwardly.

 

Because otherwise, unless you find the root cause - it's not going to go away.

[jamesbob]

I don't base whether or not someone really likes me on their sexual past, and I'd hope that it would be the same in reverse.

 

There isn't really much more I can tell you here.

We have different opinions on it, and neither of us are necessarily right.

 

The only advice I will give you is that a lot women do not appreciate being asked about their sexual past. You might run into trouble before you even have the chance to sleep with any of them.

I think any girl that has had very few partners and considers herself as having high standards will be proud to tell me a small number or state she is a virgin. If she does not want to tell me then maybe I'm just not compatible as the other posters have stated.

 

 

as above, you don't have to get over this. Your reasoning is sound if you start from the fact that whether or not you have sex with someone depends on your appreciation of that person as a whole, not just the nice *****.

 

Find yourself a girl with the same attitude towards sex. Maybe pof and the likes are not the place to find those girls.

 

Thank you! I'm happy to hear some other people find my thought process sound.

 

I think exactly in the same way that you do! How can you feel special when she actually has sleep with 20 men just last year???

Thanks.

 

I fully agree: number of previous sexual partners is a good indicator, and I've asked every girl I've slept with how many previous partners she had. If they refuse to tell me, or at least give me a ball park idea, they're out.

For one of them the number was higher than I felt comfortable with. I accepted it, which turned out to be a mistake...

 

Your criteria are your criteria. Don't conform, stick to them.

Damn, it is strange to hear people agreeing with me about this. Most people I have spoken to talk to me as though I have some mental disorder for thinking this way. Thanks.

[jamesbob]

Are we talking past as in the last year, or their whole life?

I had a promiscuous late teens and early twenties. Then I was in a relationship for 2.5 years. Since then, I've been with far less guys.

So although my total number is pretty high, it's not who I am now.

Would I still be judged on that total number??

I don't know. I think so though, because as a woman ages, her looks decline and her ability to attract men decreases. So I would feel like she is settling for me, another unfavorable option.

 

Hyperanalysis causes paralysis.

 

You're over-thinking this.

 

No two people are the same.

In fact, you're not the same.

Not the same person you were 2 years ago, maybe, that is....

 

Circumstances change us, experiences change us, perceptions change us.

People evolve and adapt to circumstance.

So a girl may have slept with the previous guy she met, within a day of meeting him.

However, she might have taken 3 months, with the guy before....

 

The whys hows wheres and sexual habits of these women isn't the problem.

 

The problem - is you.

 

I think rather than try to date and consider the sexual questions which burn your brain - you may like to talk to a therapist and investigate why you have this judgemental attitude.

That's not a criticism - but it's a hurdle you yourself have admitted exists, and i get the feeling you don't like yourself for it....

 

Where does it stem from?

Where did it start?

Why do you think you HAVE this attitude?

 

Instead of seeking outward, look inwardly.

 

Because otherwise, unless you find the root cause - it's not going to go away.

 

I really don't know where it came from, because I wasn't really involved with my parents, I kind of disliked them. They were very very traditional. There is a strong church culture where I live and I did not participate at all and actually shunned it. I am pretty liberal on almost all counts except for this one...

[animalover]

 

Damn, it is strange to hear people agreeing with me about this. Most people I have spoken to talk to me as though I have some mental disorder for thinking this way. Thanks.

 

Believe me, most people here in LS will not agree with you either... if you read a bit around you will find this forum to be basically sexcentric...

Most people here would understand a relationship without love but would not understand a relationship without sex. I am not usually the kind of guy who posts in this kind of forums (in fact this is my first forum and I don't have that many posts!) but yesterday I was reading one post on a girl who lied to his boyfriend about who she really is and what she has done in her past and you would be surprised about how many people would tell her to keep lying about it...

 

What I am trying to tell you with this is that you should not let anyone influence what is a criteria for choosing a partner for you... or influence how you live your life at all!

[Mint Sauce]

Would I still be judged on that total number??

Dating to find a long-term partner is not about judging a person, it's about judging compatibility. You're probably a lovely person, but not compatible with the OP because your most fundamental views on the meaning of sex are different. And personally, I believe that these views are so deeply engrained in our personality that they don't really change over the course of life. Just like someone who is gay won't turn straight over time.