Elfie Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 Hi, OK, so I've been in some kind of wrongful daliance with a married man - I know the wrongs etc, but I need help in coming to terms with just how low I sunk, and would value help/guidance/or even "what did you expect" 6 months in AF, I'd just lost my mum, he'd been asking me for a coffee (lives VERY nearby) but I'd been saying no, for about a year. Month after mum's death, I said yes. He was all over me, I didn't like it, but he was company, he backed off, and so began a meeting up (always outside local pubs, never able to go inside) and eventually sex in his van - yup, that's about as good as it got. We booked a room once - I booked it, and paid, he kept saying he'd pay me back but never did. Unlike many though, he always made it clear he wouldn't leave his wife, having done that once already....but he also kept telling me he loved me. Sex was always in his van, or in the car, or as winter arrived, he'd call round for an hour (he didn't even have to walk far) we'd end up having sex and he'd leave. Lately we started meeting at a certain burger restaurant (the coffee was cheap) and he always insisted on paying (whoopie do) and once he bought me small fries. For my birthday (while he was in Africa on a £3,000 holdiay with his wife) he gave me £120 but at Christmas he gave me cheap "cute" presents, a cheap lingerie item too big (I knew the shop, it was about £3) and a punnet of grapes - ripped packaging, he told me he had to open because "there was a bad one in there" (!!) special hey, but was maybe becasue the sale sticker needed ripping off. The whole 8 months I have tried to end it every 2 to 3 days, even though I developed very strong feelings and sometimes he was the only person I spoke to for days (I have no kids and work for myself from home) but he always talkes me round, making promises of what we can do, where we can go, but never do. he acknowledges often how much I try to push him away (he got a seperate mobile and admitted he had been cheated on in his 2nd marriage, he's on his 3rd now) His 2nd wife though was a woman he had an affair with, he married her but she cheated on him. His first wife I guess was well rid. When his 2nd wife cheated on him, he thumped the guy. His kids are fractured relationships, so all this came out as I got to know him. Me, single for 14 years due to abusive and violent partner and former husband. I'm in my 40's, MM is 12 years older. Last night was the pits though, he came round after another 4 days I tried (and managed) to avoid him, but he was down the street and followed me. I stupidly gave in again, believing he was the same nice man he was at the start, but he was all over me, got his manhood out and told me get hold of it, but then said he hadn't come round for sex, even though he only had 20 minutes. I was in tears, knowing how low I'd become. I'm aware of the rose tinted view of affairs, but due to being cheated on myself, had never had time for them, but I just want to warn anyone considering, or falling for a MM, be careful what you believe and what you wish for.
Gibson_Girl Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 You're not a prostitute so don't feel that way. You were lonely, he was available, you suffered loss and thought he'd fill that void. The only void in your life he wanted to fill was, unfortunately, anywhere he could use his "man business". He's a dog, plain and simple and he's preying on your emotions and sense of self-worth. He gives you crumbs because you allow it. There is more to life than that man. He's made his intentions clear--not leaving wife--so move along and stop allowing that waste of flesh make you feel less-than. Kick that prince of all feminine cleansing products to the curb! 3
Summer Breeze Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 I agree with LFH. No man should ever treat someone like that. You're not even being treated like a prostitute. He's using you in a big way and you're letting it happen. Get your power back and get your life back. Find some social groups to hang out with and fill your time so you're not depending on him to fill it for you. Don't let him do what he's doing to you. You're better than that and he's showing himself to be nothing but a pig. If he gives you a tough time tell him he has one more chance. If he comes near again you're telling his W. That might smarten him up. Stop letting him treat you like that. You're better than that. 6
ComingInHot Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 Elfie; I wish I could hug you right now. My heart breaks right along side with you! I cannot imagine that this man is in any way shape or form a "good" person. I'd like to &@#^% out of him!! Is there ANYONE you can go to for support? A sibling? A parent? A Pastor? A good friend? Anyone?! You absolutely need to put a support system in place for yourself. From what you write this man-child sounds abusive. Considering he is on what? his 3rd marriage with broken children and is cheating and using you in a way that makes you feel humiliated, he is NOT a person you should be around AT ALL!! Let us know how we can support! 3
underwater2010 Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 I am so sorry you find yourself in this position. I wouldn't even let my husband treat me that way. Please take the others advice and find some support to get the hell away from this man. You are NOT prostitue, you are a woman that got roped in. You have allowed him to treat you like a piece a meat, which is all that he wanted. Please, Please run away as fast as you can. 6
promises Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 Some people prey on others vulnerability. These people may be so mixed up and unhealthy that they don't even know they are hurting another humans soul as they are. I'm sorry for the loss of your mom, Elfie. I'd hug you if I could. Loss is a vulnerable time. Extreme loss is like a black hole sometimes in funneling out your normal reasoning. Just know that this is not a true love. Not a deep love. And, you deserve that. In fact you have had that in your life. Draw on what you know real love to be. You'll find strength there and this man will fall away when you draw on that. 2
skywriter Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 Hello Elfie, I am sorry for the loss of your mother. From your post, this man, sounds as if he is an experienced philanderer. I don't think that you believe the things that he tells you about any of his marriages. His actions should indicate what he is truly capable of. People that have this lifestyle, are very astute, at picking up on others weaknesess, and using them to their advantage. You can get yourself out of this, it's going to take you actually getting fed up with feeling low, maybe something he doesn't follow through with, catching him in yet another lie. Who knows....but, whatever it is, it'll tip you over to the point of pulling yourself up and refusing to lower yourself back to his level. Oh and by the way, thank you for your good advice in your OP. HUgs and hope you get started ditching this man soon.
Author Elfie Posted January 30, 2013 Author Posted January 30, 2013 Thank you all for your encouraging replies. He must be an experienced philanderer yes, as in conversations he would tell me what he'd said to people - wife/boss/neighbours etc and he always seemed to be able to come up with a plausible excuse on the spot, always covering himself. To help, I guess I need to hear the bad side of him, so I can see him for what he is. We believe what we want to believe don't we? And see what we want to see? So many times I tried to push him away but he would talk me round with kindness, how he didn't want to let me go, then he'd stick his hands between my legs, or kiss me hard so I couldn't talk. He told me his wife doesn't touch him because of a bad back, but when I questioned him, he faltered on when they were last "together" - if it was a genuinly long time he'd be able to confidently announce it right? I guess the fact that he knew to get a seperate cell phone just for me, that he knew what he was doing....even though he never put credit in and I had to call him back and use my allowance every single month. He only ever showed interest when he wanted to come round, the rest of the time he was dismissive and uninterested. What I can't cope with is that he's changed the way I see myself and it wasn't that great before. I told him I feel cheap, called myself all the names under the sun and he said I wasn't, obviously wanted me to liek the situation, yet every time he pressured me into sex in his van/and worse, then he'd leave straight after, I felt and still feel so dirty.I'd give in, made me feel something I guess.... I know I don't deserve hearts and flowers but I worry I can't stop feeling guilty about my own behaviour in all this. I never bad mouthed his W, just believed all he said, how he was staying with her for the memories and for "family", even though they are pretty much estranged. I think he is prone to violence, he admitted thumping a man, he threw a beer glass at his ex wife when he saw her cheating (kissing) and a chair at his current wife during a row - I prayed they were one-off's, but....I wonder what they would tell me. he seems to be cherry picking bits, so in his mind he is being open and honet, but in reality not telling me enough to know the real him. "Lying by ommission". I daren't tell anyone, but have my work I dive into so I am hugely grateful to you all here for taking the time to read and help - thank you, *Hugs* Elfie 1
skywriter Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 Elfie, I've been in NC for since May and at first I felt I should sit on my hands to maintain NC. I had to read on LS, excercise, just find ways to keep busy and occupy my mind. The feelings were very intense at first, but now, I think of the MM, but I'm able to experience the thoughts and just keep moving forward. I am like you, in that, it's so disappointing to feel used and that I allowed myself to be disrespected. Giving myself time, cutting off contact with him, those are the two most important factors, that have help me to remove myself, from craving, that connection with the MM.
Gibson_Girl Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 Elfie, don't let those lingering thoughts continue to lie to you: you have great worth! I had to set out on the path to self-discovery to see who I am to myself and not care how others may or may not view me. How others see me is none of my business, but I always want to be liked and appreciated because I didn't like myself much. Find out what you like, talk to someone and honestly, by the looks of it from my extremely short time here, there are some here that are able to give wise counsel. I would suggest face-to-face therapy if you can. You're going to come out on top of this situation better and stronger in spite of how he's made you feel. Please don't place your own self-worth in the hands of someone who doesn't understand the enormous value of the love of a woman. {{Hugs}}
MissBee Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 You're not a prostitute so don't feel that way. You were lonely, he was available, you suffered loss and thought he'd fill that void. The only void in your life he wanted to fill was, unfortunately, anywhere he could use his "man business". He's a dog, plain and simple and he's preying on your emotions and sense of self-worth. He gives you crumbs because you allow it. There is more to life than that man. He's made his intentions clear--not leaving wife--so move along and stop allowing that waste of flesh make you feel less-than. Kick that prince of all feminine cleansing products to the curb! I totally agree with this! You lost your mom and were probably feeling very badly and wanted comfort from somewhere and sought it in the arms of the wrong person. I think many of us have been in such a situation, where we're at a low point and ended up with someone for a stint that was so not worth our time but we clung to them at that time because we were so down. Apart from it being an affair, this man is plain cheap and just unappealing on so many other levels. You're not a prostitute but he was using you as a booty call....and was cheap about it at that. You deserve a man who cares about you, loves you, respects you, will be THOUGHTFUL about his gifts to you and who will support you when you're down and celebrate with you when you're happy and who won't try to put you in awkward situations. This man isn't it. I can see how you got there but I suggest cutting him out of your life immediately. You have no kids and work from home, do you have any friends? It's a lot easier to break off a relationship and move on if you have other relationships (friendships I mean, family, etc. and not other romances) and activities with which to occupy yourself. If you don't...I'd work on finding some so that you can promptly leave this cheap, gross man behind.
Gibson_Girl Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 Engage 'Interwebs' pitchforks and torches! We got choo! :pe
seren Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 Elfie, first off a virtual hug and a straight answer, you are having an A by virtue of the fact he is married, he is treating you worse than very badly and no, no, no, you are not a (insert any derogatory word you think of). I think he has spotted a very vulnerable person in need of a great big heap of TLC and love and is take, take, take. It also sounds like you are stuck on a hamster wheel of, I am a bad person, he treats me like I am a bad person, I am letting him - look at me, I am a bad person and so it goes on. There is a term called self fulfilling propjecy, and it sounds like you may be stuck in this cycle of needing affection and finding it with someone who, quite frankly, doesn't sound like he is capable of thinking beyond his pants. Do you have anyone IRL that gives you positive feedback about you, someone who loves you for you and someone you can turn to while you get yourself whole ? If not, then here, on LS you will find some very supportive people who may have walked in your shoes and some of us who haven't, but can read your pain and loneliness bleed from your post. You may get some negative posts, I truly hope not, I hope that people reading your post can see that you need support with you. Get far, far way from him, he sounds toxic. Anyone and everyone deserves to be treated with respect, he isn't doing that. Take very good care xx 1
Author Elfie Posted January 31, 2013 Author Posted January 31, 2013 Thank you all again, I'm relieved I can talk openly and not be judged for what I've done and that you understand I'm starting to see him for what he is and how he treated me. The main thing is he lives OPPOSITE me, so this morning I kept my curtains closed until he'd gone to work (thankfully early) and I'll be careful when I go out - hopefully in time, I will be able to garden and shop etc and if he's around it won't bother me at all. He always said to stay friends "no matter what" but NC, not even a "HI" if we're outside our homes at the same time - I think he'd use any chance to speak as a way to squirm back in. He has followed me on occasion, spotted my car and waited, with tales of his sad and empty marriage and lonliness - I think he was clever enough to see that this was what I was going through and he told me he was lonely, so I would connect - it worked. I genuinly believed he was in an empty marriage. As I live opposite, I saw they never go out or do anything outside together, but in truth they could still be very close and happy - I didn't want to believe that. He told me he missed me constantly and thought about me. I won't tell anyone about him, I'm feeling safe from judgement here on this forum and it's helping so much already. I just need to stay strong and keep in mind the bad stuff, won't be easy, he only works 2/3 times a week, the other days he's out scrapping/gardening, so is at home alot and all the neighbours think he's wonderful - like many charmers, he helps everyone and is oh so friendly.... He offered to do all sorts of jobs for my garden, until he got me, then made excuses to not do them oddly... To anyone going thorugh NC, I'd say write a list of all the bad things - no matter how small or insigificant, and read it constantly, until you brainwash yourself into thinking what a relief you're NOT with him - hehehhehee Stay strong *Hugs* 1
veryhappy Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 This guy gives off a very creepy vibe. Stalking is not romantic. It is creepy. You said your M was abusive, and you find yourself in the same cycle. You try to recreate some nice times that who knows how nice they really were with him. He's not that nice guy you thought he was and he'll never be that guy. You know how an abusive R works, don't you? It gets worse and worse. There's something in you that is attracted to feeling used and degraded on some level. I'm not saying it's your fault. I suggest you understand why( and sexual abuse might be part of it) and move beyond being aroused by situations that otherwise are bad for you. You can keep him away. You may need the help of a therapist, but you are not a slave to the hold he has on you. 1
Author Elfie Posted February 1, 2013 Author Posted February 1, 2013 "....There's something in you that is attracted to feeling used and degraded on some level. I'm not saying it's your fault. I suggest you understand why( and sexual abuse might be part of it) and move beyond being aroused by situations that otherwise are bad for you." Thank you for your reply, but I must stop you on some of the things you said in your reply. I can categoricaly state there is no part of me whatsoever that is attracted to being used and degraded! And I am certainly not aroused by bad situations. I'm not sure why you would go down that train of thought? Particularly as I held back on saying, that many times I gave in to his forcefull advances, because it was easier and I got away quicker - I guess the understanding now is that he was a charmer, he was kind and thoughtful, but it was an act and by the time I saw it, he had shown his true colours. I would be interested to hear from any others who's MM turned out to be abusive? How did they get away (as mine atttmepted contact last night again).
veryhappy Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 If you give in because of fear, it's time you involve attorneys and the police to get rid of him. It's not about an A anymore. That's not what happens between two consenting adults, A or not. You say you are not consenting to what's happening. Time to speak to someone who can help. 2
Author Elfie Posted February 1, 2013 Author Posted February 1, 2013 At the moment I'm just trying to keep him away, as he's called a couple of times and still insisting he is a nice guy who just gets "carried away" as he says "I'm a man!" He says he can't help himself when he's with me and once he threw up his arms and said "I just like sex!" Nice hey...I'm hoping the situation doesn't escalate, but subside. I don't think I'd be able to go through the police, as he lives opposite me, with his W and I'd have to explain the truth. I have been taught a very harsh lesson, but the more I can keep him away the stronger I hope to become.
promises Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 At the moment I'm just trying to keep him away, as he's called a couple of times and still insisting he is a nice guy who just gets "carried away" as he says "I'm a man!" He says he can't help himself when he's with me and once he threw up his arms and said "I just like sex!" Nice hey...I'm hoping the situation doesn't escalate, but subside. I don't think I'd be able to go through the police, as he lives opposite me, with his W and I'd have to explain the truth. I have been taught a very harsh lesson, but the more I can keep him away the stronger I hope to become. Can you move? 2
skywriter Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 (edited) At the moment I'm just trying to keep him away, as he's called a couple of times and still insisting he is a nice guy who just gets "carried away" as he says "I'm a man!" He says he can't help himself when he's with me and once he threw up his arms and said "I just like sex!" Nice hey...I'm hoping the situation doesn't escalate, but subside. I don't think I'd be able to go through the police, as he lives opposite me, with his W and I'd have to explain the truth. I have been taught a very harsh lesson, but the more I can keep him away the stronger I hope to become. Believe him when he says, he just likes sex....in other words, he wants a booty call. You are thinking wisely when you say keeping him away will make you stronger. Keep thinking that way. I am too. Don't forget this from your OP. Unlike many though, he always made it clear he wouldn't leave his wife, having done that once already....but he also kept telling me he loved me. Edited February 1, 2013 by skywriter
Lostinlife4now Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 Elfie....Are you in a position to move your residence? Get far away from this dude! I mean far! Could you tell his wife if he doesn't respect your wishes to leave you alone? ((((Elfie))))
Author Elfie Posted February 2, 2013 Author Posted February 2, 2013 Hi, sadly i'm not able to move, it's a local authority home, and the swap process isn't looking possible (I've tried a while ago) but I'll keep looking Last night he rang and I tried to reason with him, but he went back into charm mode so I left him with some more texts to keep away and he still rang this morning (I ignored him). I just need to not answer - as every time I do answer he'll see it as communication, and actually said once "no matter how many times you push me away or send texts, I'll not give up". Last night he also told me my car exhaus was lose, and he'll look at it for me - thus making me need him, or, even causing the loseness himself (he knows cars and had gone into detail about the clip an exhaust has and how easy it is to put back on. It's pretty uncomfortable, but I won't threaten to tell his wife, I'd dread the consequences, due to his sinister personality that's starting to show. I'm sure it'll get easier, once he gets the message Sitting tight, glad I got your support. Thanks to all who are posting. I need to see what he is and not wha the's making himself out to be.
Lostinlife4now Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 Elfie..... Please keep your doors and windows locked at all times! Always have your cell charged. How about a pitbull? Dogs can sense when a human is not a good human! I am getting a little spooked by this guy!
Author Elfie Posted February 2, 2013 Author Posted February 2, 2013 I love your answer - it made me giggle, as unfortunately I have a severe phobia of dogs!! I went out today, to walk to the shop as I usually do, annoyingly, just as he was outside with his wife (they live opposite) so after ignoring his call this morning, I tried not to look, but he looked over and so did his wife - she has always ignored my attempts to say hello and talk when they first moved in - he spoke, she didn't which didn't make me feel good. She spoke to all the old ladies but not me? Even before I spoke to him! Halfway down the road he turns up in his van and slows but I turn and walk back, so he drives off in anger. I think I'm wavering this evening though, aaargh feelings hey.
anne1707 Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 Elfie Just some thoughts on things that might help you move as you are in a LA property: start keeping a record of anything the MM or his wife does that could be considered as harassment - this might mean you can cite a neighbour nuisance problemI don't know your circumstances but if you are on benefits and have a spare bedroom, your LA should be keen to try and re-house you into a smaller property now because of the "bedroom tax" that comes in in April. If this is your situation, contact the LAAnother option is to ask your LA about how/where you could search online for doing a mutual exchange - this is something you can do with another tenant anywhere in the country where you basically agree to swap properties. 1
Recommended Posts