So scared

[Sevenwndrs]

Well, this is my first time to these forums. I do not want to bore anyone with a long story, but I need advise. I need anything at this moment. Hopefully someone will read this and reply.

 

I was, up until a couple of weeks ago, engaged. He and I have been together 5 years, and we have a 3 year old son. We have been really lazy on getting married mostly because we have been tight on funds and I wanted a special wedding. Really, we were not in a rush and just figured we would do it this year when he got his taxes back. Anyways, our relationship has had a lot of trouble for a long time. I am not too in denial to say it was largely my fault. I have a wicked tongue and a temper. So when I get angry, or my feelings get hurt, I say the most hateful things. He knew that I was aware of this in myself, and that I promised to get help on it. Well, a week ago he did not come home from work until early the next morning. He turned his cell phone off porpously. He told me the next day he did not want to come home that night. He said he wanted to break up with me, because we are not happy. So I took my son and we spent a couple of days at a friends. My bf and I spoke on the phone and agreed we should try and work things out. So for the next week things were good. We did not have one argument. He even said he loved me everyday on the phone, or before he left for work, etc...

But then 3 days ago, BAM, the same thing. Only now he was more serious with it. He says he does not love me, that he is not in love with me, and that he KNOWS I cannot make him happy. I have begged, pleaded, and begged again. I tell him our son is at least worth the TRY. He adores our son. All of my friends are just blown away by this. My bf is known as the only husband who will take his kid to the mommy play-groups, and daily activities. Yet, he will not budge. He lets me cry and beg and all he says is, "Nothing will work, nothing is worth it, I am not in love with you". Now suddenly th guy who got teased at work for being the one who NEVER went out, goes out every night. He sleeps on the couch. I tried sex the last couple of nights. He has sex with me but refuses to kiss me and tells me it feels wrong because he is just using me. ?!?!?! He tells me I can sell my rings to get money if I want. How can this be happening. Just 2 weeks ago he was telling a friend of ours he wanted us to have more children. Just 2 weeks ago he was telling me we should choose a wedding date. I am so scared. I have no job because we agreed for me to be an at home mom until I finished school and got my certifications. How is this happening? Why is he doing this to us and our son. How is our son not worth the fighting chance? I am dieing.

[uriel]

I'm very sorry you're hurting. I don't know that an explanation will help much, but here it goes. The reason why he could say two weeks ago that he loved you, wanted more kids, etc. was because he was running on auto-pilot. It's not uncommon for someone who's had a longterm problem with a relationship to try to focus on the good parts only (a coping strategy) and even strongly assert that to himself and others as a way of reinforcing his staying in the relationship. However, all the while, underneath that surface denial, there's a growing swell of resentment and frustration. Eventually, that becomes too much and the person acts -- even overreacts. By then, he just wants out, out, out. That's what you're dealing with here.

 

The problem is, you didn't keep your promise (by your own admission) to get help for your temper. You've made this man very unhappy on a daily basis. He doesn't believe you can or will change. And, he doesn't want to spend the rest of his life the way he has the last few years.

 

Is he perfect? No. You've put up with plenty from his end, too. However, whatever you put up with wasn't driving you so crazy you doubted the relationship had a future. That wasn't true for him, whether he admitted it to himself, you, your family and friends, or not.

 

His feelings about your homelife must be so negative by now that he is even willing to give up living in the same house with his son. Imagine how angry / hurt / disgusted he must be to find he just can't take it any longer, given that this is the price.

 

Now, you know what you are up against. If you were going to try to convince him to change his mind, you'd have to work through all of that pent-up emotion he's so bent on expressing now. It might be possible for you to have a separation, during which you remain monogamous, and get couples counseling (as well as individual therapy for you). However, he'd have to be willing to go there.

 

The signs aren't good for that right now. He's having sex with you and using you in order to hurt you. He's telling you that to express his long suppressed rage. Don't allow him to do that to you. It's not winning him over. You need to work on ways to accept and help him work through his anger at you without its hurting your child or doing permanent damage to your self-esteem or any potential future return to good relations (if not a relationship).

 

-- uriel

 

ps Don't buy the idea from another that marriage is just a formality you are putting off for smaller material reasons or convenience. His words and actions here underscore how for him marriage was the real lifelong commitment. He always felt deep down that he could get out before then if he needed to. Even after living together. Even after having a child together. Doesn't make rational sense, I know -- but this isn't a guy who's real in touch with his real feelings (or at least, one who's not very honest about them -- probably one of those low conflict, surface passive types).

[Sevenwndrs]

It is crazy. It is like you know us personally. I am still, even tonight less than 10 minutes ago, begging him to come home after work. To come be with me. I am telling him how much I love him and need him. I am telling him I will make it up to him. All he can say is "I will be here for now to take care of you until you get on your feet, but that is all." All I can think to do is sex, although I know if he does, it is just using me as he said. I feel so desperate. And yes, what you said about why he was able to say I love you and such just days earlier makes sense. I suppose some of it was out of habit as well. Is there hope after this? After all he has said...can he still come back to me? The way I was with my temper, was never about him. He of course cannot know or understand that. I am sure my begging is very unappealing to him. All I hear from friends is how attractive I am and how any man will want me, etc. That makes me so angry. I want my man back. I hate me. I cannot look myself in the mirror.

 

 

Doesn't make rational sense, I know -- but this isn't a guy who's real in touch with his real feelings (or at least, one who's not very honest about them -- probably one of those low conflict, surface passive types).

 

That is SO hitting the nail right on the head. That is why this is all so sudden for me. There were no warning sighns on his part. I wish he could see me now as he has never seen me before. I am so willing to be a better person for him, our son, and mostly myself. I am always too late.

[uriel]

Look -- it's too late to convince him on the spot that you can be a better person. And, ultimately, the reasons why you have this temper don't really matter, not for his well being. You were hurting him on a daily basis, savaging his peace. He took it and took it, but part of him hated you for it. That didn't feel like love -- and it wasn't. Your acting out on your anger was selfish. Until you accept that, you won't be able to change it.

 

I know. I was a rage-aholic. Learned it from my father. I finally decided to turn my temper around (after a good decade of my husband's taking it) when he at last told me he was going to have to leave me if I didn't do something about it. The worst thing was, he said I was acting just like my father (who I'd hated for it). The key for me was to learn that strength is not the same as anger. When I developed a better sense of my own true strength, I didn't need the temper anymore to be heard. I could say what I needed about my needs and ideas in a reasonable, restrained way.

 

You need to work on this for your son, even if it doesn't bring your partner back. Over time, your partner may forgive you -- decompress, tenderness return, reach back out for you. It's going to take time, time -- and the demonstration of your healing.

 

Don't count on any softening gestures from your partner in the short-term (next several months). He's angrier now than you've ever been. He's had years to build up this cold, hard rage. It's not the fast burning over in a few minutes temper you experience, hot as that burns. He's sure he's been wronged. Sorry to say he has.

 

Don't give him any reason to believe you'll expose your son to more of this -- don't get crazy over the separation. That could lead him to move for custody. Don't want to scare you about that, but you need to keep even and sane through this. That will help your son through it. Of anyone here, he's the most vulnerable, the most open to harm. Put his hurt before yours.

 

-- uriel

[emobat]

something I just want to comment on

 

Why is he doing this to us and our son. How is our son not worth the fighting chance?

 

The issue isn't really your son. It's between you and him. I realize that having a child in the middle of it complicates the situation, but using the child as "bait" to get him back just isn't right. And from that first post, you mentioned it twice. Therefore, it sounds like you are holding that above him.

 

Would you rather have him around for the kid and be hateful toward you? Maybe right now you can deal with it, but you'd get sick of it real quick I'd bet.

 

That's just my opinion though.

[Sevenwndrs]

One thing I want to make clear: I would NEVER use my son as bait or leverage. When I say why is he doing this to me and my son, what I mean is I am frightened for my son's future. I have been looking up statisitics on what happens to children after separations and divorce; the percentages that go up on high school drop out, suicide, run-aways. I am just scared for my boy. I do not and will not speak bad of my boy's father to him, or use him in any way to get to his daddy. Right now my panic is coming from fear of the future. I am not in denial. I know what I have done to my bf. The years of horrible things I have said, and the more I did it, the more I hurt myself and made myself even more angry. It is unfortunate that it takes something like this to make me wake up. I have talked to many couples (friends), who have many problems of their own and say that everyday you wake up, it is a decision to fight to make relationships work. I guess I just wish that he would budge a little for family sake. I am not saying that he iin anyway owes me. I am only saying that is what I wish. That is why I say, "Why is he doing this to me and my son". Both of you have been very helpful. To hear or read what others has to say helps me to calm down. I just have never been so scared.

[brandx]

Uriel,

 

A lot of the things you said about the coping strategy for pent up emotions during a relationship REALLY hit home for me and what I have been feeling/going through. Is this just something that you learned through experience, or do you have any sort of reference, reading material, etc. that maybe you could point me towards so I can gain additional insight on this? Please let me know.

 

THank you,

 

Brand X

[uriel]

I learned this through experience, Brand X, but most importantly, careful reflection on experience. Conquering my temper was my first sign that it's possible to make life-changing alterations to our basic natures. My father had believed that he was his emotions: impossible to change or control; imperative to express. Realizing that I was not my emotions was the first step. Understanding I could still honor them was the second.

 

Of course, it takes strong commitment and constant work until the change settles into something like second nature. I set out to conquer my temper first. Later, it was depression (major depressive disorder). Now, I'm on to something else (something like joy in living: creative vitality). You can't work on all of your troubles at once -- choose one.

 

I do a lot of reading and study, too. Read Bradshaw's books on family dynamics: an early eye opener about dysfunctional systems. Have read a number of books on anger and rage, and each gives a little useful piece of the puzzle (The Dance of Anger, From Anger to Forgiveness, Toxic Parents). The most important thing is to find the KEY that unlocks your own particular complex that's holding anger or pain in place. Because of my own family situation, books like Walking on Eggshells and even Sam Vaknin's Malignant Self-Love (online and free) helped, too.

 

I often consolidate my key into a phrase borrowed from somewhere -- it's a healing mantra of source, a mental string around the finger. One I used for my anger recovery was: "Strength is not the same as anger," from a UB40 song. For some reason, that got through to my dumb animal brain.

 

Take care

 

-- uriel

[brandx]

Thank you Uriel. I am going to look up some of this material to help me in my reflection process and to gain new perspectives. I really do appreciate your response.

 

Brand X

[Tracy]

Because of my own family situation, books like Walking on Eggshells and even Sam Vaknin's Malignant Self-Love (online and free) helped, too.

 

Do you know where they are free online? I did a search on Yahoo, but you have to purchase at the sites I found.

[uriel]

Only Malignant Self-Love (about Narcissism) is free online.

 

-- uriel

[Sevenwndrs]

I am replying to my original post as a way to vent I suppose on the events that have occured since the day I was informed my bf no longer loves me. I am still begging. I know this is very ugly and plain unappealing to him. I have had sex with him the last 3 nights. Each night he says it is the last time. And afterwards he says that because I know what turns him on, I am manipulating him into it. I do not understand that at all. If someone makes you miserable, how do you continue to be able to have sexual attraction to them (although he tells me he is not sexually attracted to me). Is this a male thing? He says "I am not in love with you" on a regular robot like basis. I called him last night to to ..I dont know..see where he was..what he was doing..because he did not come hom after work. When he finally came hom I asked him why e did not answer or call back. His only responce was "Because I am not in love with you." He tells me he keeps saying it because he feels I do not believe him. He says I did this to him. I am not in denial-I am sure I did. Something he is doing is making me nervous. He is making music CD's. We have had our burners for years. He never uses it for music. If he wanted music he would go buy a cd. But he is downloading love type songs and burning them. I know what this is a sign of. I just cant believe it. Lord help me get through this.

[Tracy]

I am so sorry you are feeling this pain. Even though my situation is not like yours, the pain of divorce/separation has been unbearable for me at times during the past few years. The pit in my stomach still comes and goes, and we are together trying to reconcile.

 

It does kinda sound like a male thing to me....able to be with you sexually. I think men are able to detach from emotions and just have sex for sex' sake. Unlike me (woman), where emotions and thoughts are the bigger part of it. The CD thing and his wavering back and forth sounds like someone else is involved. He may be confused. Either way, he is not treating you the way you deserve. And, you are aware that begging and pleading isn't doing anything to help you.

 

This weekend, try to not be desparate. You can let him know how you feel, "I love you and want us to be together, to raise our son together. But, I can't allow you to treat me like a doormat." You DO deserve better. Concentrate on improving your own self-image by demanding to be treated with respect. Not only will it help you, he will think of you differently.

 

Also, concentrate on your son. Try not to obsess about your BF and play with your son this weekend. If nothing else, it may get your mind off things for a bit. Good luck....

[Sevenwndrs]

Thank you Tracy. You are very articulate in your words of encouragement and advice. Yes the music cd situation and other small signs (like him not coming home after work until way late, or the suddeness of our situation) are starting to make me believe that there is someone else. I cannot compete with that and nor will I try. I am not the kind of woman to follow him or have friends follow him or smell his clothes or check bank records. But I wish he would tell me if he was. A friend ( a counselor) told me that men can never seem to admit when they are cheating. Even after the breakup, or no matter how ugly things get they just dont seem to want to come out and say it. I know it sounds crazy but I would feel much better knowing if he was seeing someone. It would give me an explanation. As I had said in my original post, the relationship was troubled and mostly my fault. I suppose I am just having a hard time with the fact that he has just snapped and this is how he is deciding to end it by his sudden loss of love. I feel the influence of another woman or maybe that is just wishful thinking...if that makes any sense. Even my friends ...all of them...are blown away. They say "Not him..no way". Bleh...I dont want this to drag out. I want to be waking up from this as if it were all a bad dream.