LDR and Solo Travel

[NoMoreJerks]

Hi everyone,

 

I have a question and would like to hear what you guys think of this issue and invite you to share your experiences with this.

 

Does your partner ever travel elsewhere for vacation/tourism? Would you feel hurt if he/she did that, instead of coming to visit you, considering that money and vacation time off work are what hinder you from seeing each other more often to begin with?

 

So if he told you that he wants to go visit some place over the summer in order to relax (that will cost him the same amount of money that it will cost him to visit you), would you feel disappointed that he's not coming to see you instead?

 

I would, unless it was a place that was very close to him in the first place, so he wouldn't be spending a fortune on it. But if he's spending a fortune to travel internationally, I would've expected him to come visit me instead, or to at least ask me if I can afford to join him on that trip... The problem is that I would be unable to afford doing that. Besides, what's the point of paying double the money if the point is to see each other and spend a good time together? Does the location matter *that* much? I understand the desire to go see new places, etc., and I understand that it sucks to let a LDR and the fact that your partner can't afford it, get in the way of you exploring new places, but I can't help but feel disappointed at that...

 

Note: in my case it is not a trust issue about what he's going to be doing on his trip; that's not the issue here, as far as my question is concerned: the issue is the fact that he'd be going somewhere else instead of coming to visit me, when he can't spend a fortune on tickets and doesn't have massive amounts of time off work for vacations.... so it would be eating away at his vacation days that he's allotted per year...

 

Your thoughts?

[bluegreen]

This is WONDERFULL question and one I tought about as well so am gonna suggest that we both hang on and see what other "pro" members at this thing say and then we add out own point of view at this ...

[PepperPotts]

I'm of two minds on this.

 

To be fair, this isn't something I've had to deal with.

 

One one hand, I would be really hurt if my boyfriend chose to spend money and time off to travel somewhere else without me. I would at least expect him to invite me to go *with* him. My feelings would be different if he was traveling with family-- then it's not really his trip, you know?

 

On the other, trips in an LDR (especially with no end in sight) often feel rushed and stressful. While the time together is wonderful, there's a greater sense of separation and loneliness immediately after. Even if you both take time off and do fun things it doesn't really feel like a vacation afterward because of the emotional toll it takes. I have found it much more difficult to get back into the swing of my life and deal with regular stresses in the week following a visit, because I've been reminded that I'm missing the best part of my life.

 

Everybody deserves some time off, and if my boyfriend had a stressful job (and mine does) and needed some actual time away, I would want him to do what he needed to to rest up and feel better. If I couldn't go, oh well. It would suck royally for us to lose time together, but I would also understand that sometimes you just need to *get away* and that means taking a *real* vacation-- one that won't leave you an emotional mess afterward.

[NoMoreJerks]

I agree--

 

But how often is it ok for this to happen? If it happens more than once a year, I would think it a bit too much? I mean.... we all need time off from work, cos we are stressed and stuff, but I for one rarely go on trips even if I can afford it... Plus, I would much rather spend time with him (even if there is stress involved when parting), than alone on some beach, checking out hot dudes or whatever.... if you know what I mean... Don't get me wrong, I love traveling alone, but I know that there is a time and place for everything.

 

Anyway, mine hinted that he wanted to go somewhere in the summer, but has not yet suggested that I accompany him... he did say on another occasion that I can go with him wherever he is posted for work, and stay at his hotel, etc., but not this time around, about his intended trip in the summer. I honestly would be pissed off if he did want to go somewhere by himself. At the very least, I'd like him to suggest meeting him halfway, by going somewhere together.. I understand that my city is not the ideal vacation place -- no beaches, etc. But really....

 

Sigh. I don't know. Maybe I'm being too selfish. I am going to San Francisco in April by myself, for a few days, though that's for a conference. But, I did ask him to join me, and that all he had to do was book the flight, cos I'm already paying for the hotels... He declined the offer. But it's for work, so i can't possibly not go.

 

I asked my guy friend, who is a very close friend, if he would travel somewhere for vacation instead of visiting his gf if he were in a LDR, he said: no, I would go see her instead -- wouldn't go anywhere else no matter what, unless I had to. I guess it's a personality thing, or something.

Edited January 31, 2013 by NoMoreJerks

[PepperPotts]

I would be ok with a max of one week, or three weekend trips per year.

 

And your guy friend may be accurately expressing his feelings, but I know I believed some things about how I would act in a long distance relationship that were not 100% true once I actually began one (for instance, I claimed for years that LDR was something I would *never* do to begin with)

[NoMoreJerks]

I would be ok with a max of one week, or three weekend trips per year.

 

And your guy friend may be accurately expressing his feelings, but I know I believed some things about how I would act in a long distance relationship that were not 100% true once I actually began one (for instance, I claimed for years that LDR was something I would *never* do to begin with)

Ah -- I was talking about international travel. Which wouldn't be for only a weekend, probably not even as little as a week.

 

It is true what you say about my guy friend. He is after all a married man , so he thinks as one, and he probably would've thought differently if he weren't married... or maybe he got married because he's that type of person who wouldn't do that?

[ana0pera]

My guy and i both like to travel and he travels a lot, typically for weekends to nearby countries (he's in Europe). He does maybe one big overseas trip a year and will go to a nearby country for a week during the summer for vacation. I travel a decent amount for school within my country and have never invited him on such a trips. I have to go to Europe soon for school and I will combine it with a trip to see him. It doesn't make sense to me to go that far and not see him, especially if someone else is paying most of the tab.

 

I am not bothered by him traveling so much; he does it with some good friends and he always tells me what he's doing. We both have a passion for travel and of course I would love to go with him more often but it's just not feasible. That said, when he does international travel on my side of the world it would bother me if it didn't include me. For example, last year he was talking about a trip with his friends that would have him fly through my country. I felt like he should make an effort to at least see me even if I didn't go with him. He wasn't really interested in that (and, admittedly, I am ~5 hr flight from where he had a layover) but what ended up happening is his friends flaked out and he still wanted to travel so then he asked me to travel with him elsewhere in my country.

 

I would be concerned if he were traveling alone for leisure (or with friends, for that matter) for extended time periods (like a week or more), spending significant amounts of money on said trip, and then not able to see me because of expenses.That means priorities aren't on the relationship. But if he wants to hang out with friends somewhere fun and still has time for me, then great

[LittleTiger]

Most of our available money and time off is spent together. We're too far apart for it to be otherwise. He will take a few days away for major running events and, of course, I wish I could go too, but it's just not practical every time.

 

If your bf is married it's a different thing. Is he still living with his wife? Your recent posts suggest this isn't a committed LDR, and you have 'broken up' several times. If he's married and/or its not a committed relationship, then what he does with his free time and spare money is up to him and I don't think you really get a say in it. Sorry if that's harsh but it is the reality.

[NoMoreJerks]

^ define committed relationship? We are exclusive, if that is what you mean. He calls me his gf, etc. We talk on the phone every day (unless he has stuff to do or a friend to hang out with) for extended periods of time.

 

He is not married, no. We are oceans apart, though. He is in the UK and I am in Canada. We met in Canada, when he was in my city for work, and he came here several times, for work, and we spent a lot of time together (every day that he was here). He was here practically all of the June-November period on and off, with the exception of a few weeks where he had to go back home, and 2 weeks of vacation , that he had booked before he met me. Since then he has not gone on solo vacations, but hinted at it yesterday.

 

He does not work from the UK -- his work involves a lot of travel. He is currently in Turkey for a job and will be there for most of the rest of this year, pretty much. What really makes me angry, though, is that he will have plenty of opportunities to travel around the world in the next couple of years, because of his job. And he won't even pay a cent for it, since it's all covered by his company. But he still wants to pay for vacations from his own pocket, that might not involve me? Usually he goes for 2 weeks, if he goes.. He sent me some pictures of him the other day, and the dates indicated that he has been to the same country for vacation twice in 3 months..... This was a year before he met me. He claimed he goes to Thailand (I know, I know) 4 times a year. He goes alone, claims he doesn't do anything naughty there, just hangs out in bars with prostitutes .. But at any rate, he has not been back there since September, and won't be until at least his trip to my country in April... I don't think he wants to go there again (then again you enver know), but he wants to travel other places. He said he wants to go to Mexico, maybe Egypt, etc. I don't know.

[NoMoreJerks]

Anyway, I just wanted to make sure that my expectations weren't too selfish / over the top.. As I stated, I understand the need to travel / have some time off, but if he's spending as much money to travel to Asia as he would to come see me, then it would disappoint me if he is not coming to see me. ESPECIALLY if he is going to the same country over and over again, so it's not like he's traveling because he wants to see something new, expore, etc. It would just indicate that he enjoys the time he spends in those bars in Thailand (for example) more than he enjoys time with me. Yes, yes, I know, there are beaches in Thailand, etc., but come on. How often does he even go to the beach, he mostly stays in the hotel during the day and swims in the pool at the hotel for the most part. But if he changes his destination this time around and travels elsewhere, especially if it's somewhere close to the UK, then I can understand that, sorta. He wants some time off, but can't afford to spend a whole lot of money, so can't come see me. I get that. (even so, if it were me, I'd save every penny instead of going on those mini-trips, so that I can go visit him!) He has also suggested that I go visit him in the UK, by the way. He said he wants to take me places, etc.

Edited January 31, 2013 by NoMoreJerks

[Els]

I absolutely don't think your expectations are over the top. If you already have limited resources - ie money/time - to see each other and he's spending that on going somewhere else, would be a dealbreaker for me (with obvious exceptions, such as attending a sister's wedding etc).

 

The only other trips my bf took during the LD portion of our R was to see his family.

 

But isn't this guy your EX, OP?????

[NoMoreJerks]

I absolutely don't think your expectations are over the top. If you already have limited resources - ie money/time - to see each other and he's spending that on going somewhere else, would be a dealbreaker for me (with obvious exceptions, such as attending a sister's wedding etc).

 

The only other trips my bf took during the LD portion of our R was to see his family.

 

But isn't this guy your EX, OP?????

No, not anymore -- we're back together...

[PepperPotts]

Ah -- I was talking about international travel. Which wouldn't be for only a weekend, probably not even as little as a week.

 

Aha-- if I had paid more attention to the original post I think I would have caught that >_<

 

Well then, I amend "one week" to "one big trip." I think I would feel a little more hurt that he was going overseas because that's a bigggg expense and limits us further, but I would also be more understanding because it seems like the sort of thing you have to do when the opportunity arises, you know?

 

Anyway, I just wanted to make sure that my expectations weren't too selfish / over the top..

 

No, you're not being selfish.

Edited January 31, 2013 by PepperPotts

[Anela]

I don't think you're being selfish, especially because of the country you mentioned.

 

It would bother me.

[NoMoreJerks]

I don't think you're being selfish, especially because of the country you mentioned.

 

It would bother me.

Well, let's just not take Thailand into consideration for now, since he did not say he was going there again and I feel like it's biasing me against his plans to take trips elsewhere. He mentioned other countries. I would be more upset if he went to Thailand again, or if he went on a long-haul trip halfway around the world instead of coming to visit me. But not so much if he went to, for example, somewhere in Europe. Even if he went to Amsterdam (which I guess is infamous for its red light district), I wouldn't be so upset.. But if it were a trip to a country that was halfway around the world, then yeah, I'd be more upset... still, like I said, if it were ME, I would've saved every penny and vacation days to go visit him, and I would've expected him to do the same -- but different strokes for different folks, I guess... *shrug* At any rate, it would be good if he can get over his fixation on Thailand and go elsewhere.... that would be some achievement.. He's been to Thailand a dozen times in the past 2 years... that's pretty insane. So the fact that he's now thinking of somewhere else to go might be a good sign.. I don't want to discourage him from doing that.

[Mme. Chaucer]

You've been back together for 4 days, right? Please just take note of his behavior and choices during this time and don't get all wrapped up in it, if you can help it. He'll do what he will do, and then it's up to you to decide whether that works well for you.

[NoMoreJerks]

We just spoke, and we are firming up plans to book his flight for mid-April. He has already booked his days off in April with his company (unlike in December when he kept delaying it), so we are almost there. Yay! He has also looked at ticket prices, and because it's 200 pounds cheaper to buy the ticket from here, I might get it for him from here (I offered, he didn't suggest it, and he suggested giving me his credit card info so I could get it with his credit card but I said no worries, I will get it on my card and you can pay me back -- I really don't want the responsibility of getting someone's credit card info -- but clearly, he trusts me with that stuff, which is good -- I don't think he would've if he considered me a mere FWB), and he will then pay me back (he has been good with repaying me; I have lent him money before).

Edited January 31, 2013 by NoMoreJerks

[LittleTiger]

^ define committed relationship? We are exclusive, if that is what you mean. He calls me his gf, etc. We talk on the phone every day (unless he has stuff to do or a friend to hang out with) for extended periods of time.

 

He is not married, no. We are oceans apart, though. He is in the UK and I am in Canada. We met in Canada, when he was in my city for work, and he came here several times, for work, and we spent a lot of time together (every day that he was here). He was here practically all of the June-November period on and off, with the exception of a few weeks where he had to go back home, and 2 weeks of vacation , that he had booked before he met me. Since then he has not gone on solo vacations, but hinted at it yesterday.

 

He does not work from the UK -- his work involves a lot of travel. He is currently in Turkey for a job and will be there for most of the rest of this year, pretty much. What really makes me angry, though, is that he will have plenty of opportunities to travel around the world in the next couple of years, because of his job. And he won't even pay a cent for it, since it's all covered by his company. But he still wants to pay for vacations from his own pocket, that might not involve me? Usually he goes for 2 weeks, if he goes.. He sent me some pictures of him the other day, and the dates indicated that he has been to the same country for vacation twice in 3 months..... This was a year before he met me. He claimed he goes to Thailand (I know, I know) 4 times a year. He goes alone, claims he doesn't do anything naughty there, just hangs out in bars with prostitutes .. But at any rate, he has not been back there since September, and won't be until at least his trip to my country in April... I don't think he wants to go there again (then again you enver know), but he wants to travel other places. He said he wants to go to Mexico, maybe Egypt, etc. I don't know.

 

Sorry, I misunderstood a previous post where you were obviously talking about a different guy who is married.

 

If you're talking about him going away on a full vacation that's a definite no no if you're in a committed relationship and you have limited time and money - at least in my book it is.

 

Only you can decide if it's a dealbreaker for you though - we all have to set our own boundaries within a relationship. Personally, I think if you ask him not to go, and and then he goes anyway you should revert back to being his ex.

 

I know my guy would never suggest spending precious time and money away from me - we get little enough together as it is.

[HeavenOrHell]

I would feel disappointed and find it hard to not take it personally if he took a few days off, or more, in a row, and spend it without me at home, or away. He took a few days off at xmas and we didn't meet up, we could've had a week together, was both of our fault really as we left it too late to book his flight and it was too expensive, we'd already seen each other early Dec, but I did say couldn't you take those days off in Jan instead, as he was having to use days up or he'd lose them, he said had to take them before Jan 1st though It felt like a waste to me, as he gets so few days off.

On the other hand I do recognise that as he works full time maybe he needs some time to chill out and be at home on his own at times, although he has every weekend to himself as well.

He's not had time off other than that since we become partners nearly 3 years ago, he did have a friend over from the States our first summer, which had been planned in advance, he took a few days off for that to spend time with her and his ex as they are all friends, but he had daily contact with me still, so I didn't feel left out or forgotten.

An old online friend of his who he's known for years (they had an online crush but nothing came of it) wants him to go over to her country and visit her and her husband and kid, he knows I won't fly and that I'm very shy, otherwise maybe he'd ask me to go too, I'm not sure.

I'm torn about this subject as on the one hand I don't have the right to say please don't go anywhere without me, because he does have a life outside of me/our relationship, on the other hadn't if he went off on holiday on his own knowing it was somewhere I *could* travel to, then I'd feel upset, but I'd be annoyed with myself for feeling upset because I don't own him and some of us need to go off and do our own thing sometimes.

The money aspect wouldn't come into it for us, if he goes to the states to see a friend for example it doesn't mean he then wouldn't be able to see me for a while, it's more the fact it means we'd have fewer days together because of it.

 

Totally understand where you're coming from.

 

Hi everyone,

 

I have a question and would like to hear what you guys think of this issue and invite you to share your experiences with this.

 

Does your partner ever travel elsewhere for vacation/tourism? Would you feel hurt if he/she did that, instead of coming to visit you, considering that money and vacation time off work are what hinder you from seeing each other more often to begin with?

 

So if he told you that he wants to go visit some place over the summer in order to relax (that will cost him the same amount of money that it will cost him to visit you), would you feel disappointed that he's not coming to see you instead?

 

I would, unless it was a place that was very close to him in the first place, so he wouldn't be spending a fortune on it. But if he's spending a fortune to travel internationally, I would've expected him to come visit me instead, or to at least ask me if I can afford to join him on that trip... The problem is that I would be unable to afford doing that. Besides, what's the point of paying double the money if the point is to see each other and spend a good time together? Does the location matter *that* much? I understand the desire to go see new places, etc., and I understand that it sucks to let a LDR and the fact that your partner can't afford it, get in the way of you exploring new places, but I can't help but feel disappointed at that...

 

Note: in my case it is not a trust issue about what he's going to be doing on his trip; that's not the issue here, as far as my question is concerned: the issue is the fact that he'd be going somewhere else instead of coming to visit me, when he can't spend a fortune on tickets and doesn't have massive amounts of time off work for vacations.... so it would be eating away at his vacation days that he's allotted per year...

 

Your thoughts?

[HeavenOrHell]

Totally agree, especially with the last paragraph, and my partner has a stressful/tiring job too.

I guess the trick would be to not take it personally.

 

I'm of two minds on this.

 

To be fair, this isn't something I've had to deal with.

 

One one hand, I would be really hurt if my boyfriend chose to spend money and time off to travel somewhere else without me. I would at least expect him to invite me to go *with* him. My feelings would be different if he was traveling with family-- then it's not really his trip, you know?

 

On the other, trips in an LDR (especially with no end in sight) often feel rushed and stressful. While the time together is wonderful, there's a greater sense of separation and loneliness immediately after. Even if you both take time off and do fun things it doesn't really feel like a vacation afterward because of the emotional toll it takes. I have found it much more difficult to get back into the swing of my life and deal with regular stresses in the week following a visit, because I've been reminded that I'm missing the best part of my life.

 

Everybody deserves some time off, and if my boyfriend had a stressful job (and mine does) and needed some actual time away, I would want him to do what he needed to to rest up and feel better. If I couldn't go, oh well. It would suck royally for us to lose time together, but I would also understand that sometimes you just need to *get away* and that means taking a *real* vacation-- one that won't leave you an emotional mess afterward.

[cerridwen]

I'm in the minority.

 

I wouldn't mind if he spent time and money for vacation closer to home.

 

I want him to carry on having a full life; experience new things and places; and not feel encumbered by our situation.

 

I don't begrudge his taking time to decompress from his stressful work; or to spend precious holiday time with love ones.

 

We both have other parts of our lives with other relationships to nurture.

I don't feel investing time/money in those diminishes our importance to one another.

[NoMoreJerks]

I'm in the minority.

 

I wouldn't mind if he spent time and money for vacation closer to home.

 

I want him to carry on having a full life; experience new things and places; and not feel encumbered by our situation.

 

I don't begrudge his taking time to decompress from his stressful work; or to spend precious holiday time with love ones.

 

We both have other parts of our lives with other relationships to nurture.

I don't feel investing time/money in those diminishes our importance to one another.

How about if it was far away from where he lives?

 

Also, if that would take away from time and money that could've brought you two together again, especially if you are very far apart, and don't see each other fairly regularly...

 

I am ok with the idea of us having lives of our own and things to do and places to go that don't necessarily invovle both of us.. but what if that takes away from seeing each other for the rest of the year?

[veggirl]

Back together with the guy that inspired the name NoMoreJerks?! :confused:

 

I'd be really, really hurt if I had an LDR and he wanted to go on vaca for a week or so rather than visit me. I'd assume "just not that into me"

[cerridwen]

Good questions...

 

How about if it was far away from where he lives?

 

I'm still okay with it.

I had to pause and think why.

 

I suppose it's because in the time we've been together, he has spent so much money and used so much vacation, I feel appreciated and secure in his love and commitment.

As a result, his wanting to see...Patagonia for instance, wouldn't hurt my feelings or make me question his devotion.

Like your SO, NMJ, travel is his thing way before he ever met me.

 

Also, if that would take away from time and money that could've brought you two together again, especially if you are very far apart, and don't see each other fairly regularly...

And this may be a difference as well.

Despite living over 5,000 miles apart, we've traveled to see each other every few months.

That seems "fairly regularly" given the distance.

Plus, it helps that we are working on eliminating that distance, so in my mind, our situation is temporary.

Perhaps that comes into play regarding my tolerance.

 

I am ok with the idea of us having lives of our own and things to do and places to go that don't necessarily invovle both of us.. but what if that takes away from seeing each other for the rest of the year?

The rest of the year?

Hmmm....not good.

Edited January 31, 2013 by cerridwen

[Anela]

Well, let's just not take Thailand into consideration for now, since he did not say he was going there again and I feel like it's biasing me against his plans to take trips elsewhere. He mentioned other countries. I would be more upset if he went to Thailand again, or if he went on a long-haul trip halfway around the world instead of coming to visit me. But not so much if he went to, for example, somewhere in Europe. Even if he went to Amsterdam (which I guess is infamous for its red light district), I wouldn't be so upset.. But if it were a trip to a country that was halfway around the world, then yeah, I'd be more upset... still, like I said, if it were ME, I would've saved every penny and vacation days to go visit him, and I would've expected him to do the same -- but different strokes for different folks, I guess... *shrug* At any rate, it would be good if he can get over his fixation on Thailand and go elsewhere.... that would be some achievement.. He's been to Thailand a dozen times in the past 2 years... that's pretty insane. So the fact that he's now thinking of somewhere else to go might be a good sign.. I don't want to discourage him from doing that.

 

I see your point, and cerridwen's, but if it would affect the rest of the year, I would prefer that we go somewhere together, if it were me - or that he come to me, since he has the money to do so. Even ignoring the past, I would feel second-best. I know that feeling (too well). So I ditto veggirl's comment.