Why do they cheat? The MM??

[promises]

Why - I'd like to know your thoughts on why they think it's a good idea. (I'm sure that this will be interesting..)

[RickFox]

In short because i was selfish and was thinking it was okay because .... well.... I am a selfish narcissistic person who only thought about himself

[Sarabi]

• Because she will never leave him
  

 

• Because I (stupidly) let him
  

 

• Because...he knows he can
  

He once said something about having his mind in other places where a married man should not be...also something about the universe. What you put out you get back...so if he was thinking about another woman...hey presto

 

(P.S. if I can I will try and get his real reasons & post back)

[promises]

In short because i was selfish and was thinking it was okay because .... well.... I am a selfish narcissistic person who only thought about himself

 

what did you think about the OW at the time?

[stevie_23]

My ex-MM said he always saw his relationship with his wife (they weren't married when we got together) as temporary and he hadn't been happy for a while, and felt he didn't belong in that life (the "family man" with his wife's 3 adult kids living with them, etc).

 

He had already moved on from her emotionally and romantically and intimately and felt his life had been in limbo / uncertain for a while and was trying to work out what to do and where to go next.

 

He said he never felt guilty about cheating on her and saw it not so much as betraying her, but rather, that if he'd been able to (for practical reasons), he would've just left earlier when he began to fall for me, but as he couldn't, the "end phase" of that relationship was very prolonged. Then other factors came into play and he ended up getting married to her (again, not for intimate / romantic / emotional reasons) and still trying to maintain our relationship too. He felt like he was moving further and further away from where he wanted and intended to be (making a life with me).

[promises]

• Because she will never leave him
  

 

• Because I (stupidly) let him
  

 

• Because...he knows he can

I think that there is a lot of truth to the statement, "Because she will never leave him"

 

Supposedly, xMM had cheated before (according to the BS) I find it interesting that cheating multiple times is ok with someone, but, he clearly knows that he CAN.

[Spark1111]

I think that there is a lot of truth to the statement, "Because she will never leave him"

 

Supposedly, xMM had cheated before (according to the BS) I find it interesting that cheating multiple times is ok with someone, but, he clearly knows that he CAN.

 

Sure...if he never experienced dire consequences, what would be the motivation to change? None, I dare say.

 

If he can have a wife, home and family life and the fun of a mistress on the side, why change that?

 

If he finds a woman willing to accept the mistress role, even if it takes lying to her to do so but he remains reasonably assured she will not make trouble for him, why not?

 

If you are a selfish, self-entitled man, it can work, and work well for you. No one makes trouble for you: No exposure, consequences, embarrassment, or any woman seeking revenge or divorcing you for half your assets.

 

You have found not one, but two women to fill your needs and keep your secrets...IF you are that sort of man.

 

And sadly, there seems to be a lot of them out there.

[promises]

If you are a selfish, self-entitled man, it can work, and work well for you. No one makes trouble for you: No exposure, consequences, embarrassment, or any woman seeking revenge or divorcing you for half your assets.

 

You have found not one, but two women to fill your needs and keep your secrets...IF you are that sort of man.

 

And sadly, there seems to be a lot of them out there.

 

It's selfishness and ego I think as well. Not all men cheat. Ultimately, there has to be a common denominator. Or is it really situational?

[OpenBook]

My guess - because he's unfulfilled at home, and he doesn't love his W enough to stay faithful to her anyway.

 

If he could divorce her without having to go through the devastating impact to his finances, children, extended family, or community standing, he would. But that's not possible.

 

He doesn't feel any motivation to rekindle the romantic flames with his W. That ship sailed a long time ago, due to the deep familiarity & ennui that marriage inevitably brings about. He views her asexually, as a familiar sibling.

 

And he doesn't want to believe that "this is all there is." He thinks he might as well lay down and die, to believe that. He wants to LIVE. So as a way to reach out & grab life by the horns, he looks for love, sex, anything to make him feel alive again, outside the M.

[seren]

Promises, on D Day I so wanted to hear that H's A had been about how he had fallen for the OW, how he couldn't help himsels and that nothing I could do or hadn't done, could have stopped it. it might surprise to hear that, but an A because of a, couldn't help myself reason I could have understood better. H told me he had an A, I didn't discover it, and was brutally honest - it was all about him, he couldn't say he loved her, he couldn't say he was planning to leave or saw a future and it wasn't about feelings, it was all about him. He calls it the time he had his head up his a*** and needed to escape a life he felt was out of control and one where he wasn't adding anything positive.

 

I don't condone how he treated the OW, she loved him and he was awful toward her, that she invested emotion is something we have discussed and I find it hard to recognise the man I know with the person he was during the A. I asked him Why? he kept saying I don't know, I couldn't see that what I wanted was in front of my face and I felt not good enough. Is that a reason for an A? well no, I don't think there is ever a reason for one. I get that some A's are all about feelings for the other person and think that those very quickly see the MP leave to begin a new relationship. Unless the WS's come on here and answer it will all be third party information and as we all know, that can be very skewed and seen through the teller's eyes. I can only say that to have been betrayed because H fell for the OW would have been easier to understand than any other reason - for me at least. I often wonder why the AP doesn't have greater demands, I wish more would, it would save such a lot of heartache all around.

[promises]

Promises, on D Day I so wanted to hear that H's A had been about how he had fallen for the OW, how he couldn't help himsels and that nothing I could do or hadn't done, could have stopped it. it might surprise to hear that, but an A because of a, couldn't help myself reason I could have understood better. H told me he had an A, I didn't discover it, and was brutally honest - it was all about him, he couldn't say he loved her, he couldn't say he was planning to leave or saw a future and it wasn't about feelings, it was all about him. He calls it the time he had his head up his a*** and needed to escape a life he felt was out of control and one where he wasn't adding anything positive.

 

I don't condone how he treated the OW, she loved him and he was awful toward her, that she invested emotion is something we have discussed and I find it hard to recognise the man I know with the person he was during the A. I asked him Why? he kept saying I don't know, I couldn't see that what I wanted was in front of my face and I felt not good enough. Is that a reason for an A? well no, I don't think there is ever a reason for one. I get that some A's are all about feelings for the other person and think that those very quickly see the MP leave to begin a new relationship. Unless the WS's come on here and answer it will all be third party information and as we all know, that can be very skewed and seen through the teller's eyes. I can only say that to have been betrayed because H fell for the OW would have been easier to understand than any other reason - for me at least. I often wonder why the AP doesn't have greater demands, I wish more would, it would save such a lot of heartache all around.

 

Thanks for the honest response. What do you mean when you say greater demands.

 

The problem is many of these men are telling the OW they love them.

Only to realize that when dday hits, they have an entire life invested elsewhere. Yet during the A they aren't thinking of the investment, they are thinking about themselves.

[promises]

My guess - because he's unfulfilled at home, and he doesn't love his W enough to stay faithful to her anyway.

 

If he could divorce her without having to go through the devastating impact to his finances, children, extended family, or community standing, he would. But that's not possible.

 

He doesn't feel any motivation to rekindle the romantic flames with his W. That ship sailed a long time ago, due to the deep familiarity & ennui that marriage inevitably brings about. He views her asexually, as a familiar sibling.

 

And he doesn't want to believe that "this is all there is." He thinks he might as well lay down and die, to believe that. He wants to LIVE. So as a way to reach out & grab life by the horns, he looks for love, sex, anything to make him feel alive again, outside the M.

 

Interesting.. The investment feels suffocating perhaps.

[jwi71]

Or is it really situational?

 

I, like ALL humans, am susceptible to an A.

 

Do I feel attracted to other women? Of course.

I must realize this, acknowledge it and be prepared for it.

At the gym, I somehow pick the treadmill behind the 25 year old in yoga pants. (oh thank God for yoga pants)

 

Do I act on it in normal situations? NO

 

I HOPE I am aware enough to avoid such situations. To recognize my own internal "danger signals" - to remind myself of all I lose. To prevent it from happening.

 

Can we create a situation where I WOULD cheat? Yes.

Is it realistic? Not really. I don't think Halle Berry is going to be knocking on my front door.

 

Abe Lincoln is supposed to have thrown a man out of his office after the man offered Abe a bribe. The bribe involved a substantial sum and Abe was really angry. His anger was directed at the man in question, but also at himself. He is reputed to have said, "Every man has his price and he was getting close to mine."

[stevie_23]

I HOPE I am aware enough to avoid such situations. To recognize my own internal "danger signals" - to remind myself of all I lose. To prevent it from happening.

 

What you said is very interesting and very insightful.

 

The bit I quoted above and bolded in particular, I noticed...

 

To remind yourself of all that you lose if you were to proceed forward and let yourself embark on something that would damage your marriage or relationship...

 

Maybe the people (even those who ARE self aware, like yourself) simply feel they don't have THAT much to lose. They may not be overly happy in their marriage or they may be unhappy within themselves (highly likely), OR they may just think they WON'T lose anything.

[seren]

Promises, by greater demands I mean that no one should be a secret or be told one thing and wait because they love while the other makes excuses and yet more excuses why they will not end one relationship before having another. Sure, if both understand what the relationship is about and it suits them all, then they are making an informed choice, but I read and have heard of many where an AP is told they will leave (insert a reason) and wait only to find the WS wasn't leaving and find that hard to understand. as a BS I of course had no informed choice, but to be knowingly sharing and waiting while the time is right for the WS seems so uneven. If there have to be A's, I just wish they would be short lived, in that I mean either stay or leave - the cake eating I truly don't get.

[Journee]

It's selfishness and ego I think as well. Not all men cheat. Ultimately, there has to be a common denominator. Or is it really situational?

 

 

I do believe it is situational Promises.

 

My father had two affairs that I am aware of. Although I have a memory from my early childhood that I have never asked him about. Anyway, he had some deep pain that he never came to terms with or acknowledged. He never felt good enough for my mother. Who was a college graduate and mother when he met her. She came from a successful farming family. He did not finish high school which to this day embarrasses him. He could not have children and was in the middle of his third divorce. He grew up poor with 7 brothers and sisters. He always felt the world knew just by looking at him that he had been poor and was uneducated (btw, he is the smartest man I know).

 

His insecurities manifested into alcoholism as the stress from my adoption loomed over their marriage. My adoption was both joyous and tiring for them both. My father self medicated for 21 of my 27 years. Until his last affair. He has been sober for six years. H learned in IC he was so destructive because he felt unworthy of his life. He had a great job, a three bedroom home he built, vehicles for leisure and business, children and his best friend as his W. He just didn't deserve it.

 

He is an amazing man that made terrible choices. He was broken inside. His A's and addiction had nothing to do with my mother. The OW were a bandage for the time being. He needed to do the work within himself and he did. My mother and father have been married 28 years. Through thick and thin.

[Catplates]

Some men use it as a "bandaid" remedy. Instead of facing and dealing with the problems in their marriage, they try to patch it up with

something else.

 

 

Why go to the bother of a divorce, splitting finances, upsetting your wife and family?

 

If you can find somebody to provide what is missing in the marriage and it works well why

 

The W and the AP complement each other and give MM the full life he is looking for, usually in the short term until things come unstuck.

 

I think if he doesn't find an AP he will still stay in the marriage. It probably isn't unbearable, but lacking something.

 

Cat.

[BrokenPrincess]

My xMM told me it was because it was me. Now that I've learned more anout As, who knows if thats true.He's been married for 20yrs & he's never strayed, despite plenty of opportunity.

Of course he liked the attention, and the more we got to know each other, the better it got.

 

During one of our visits, he said he had never had that much sex in his entire life.

 

He never thought he'd get caught.

 

As a WS myself, I felt sparks the first time I met him, and to be honest, I enjoyed kissing him more than any other man in my life, including my H. It was like I woke up. I was feeling unneeded at home & not emotionally connected to my H.

 

I also didn't think I'd get caught, and I very selfishly assumed that my wonderful H would stay with me because he loves me so much & we have a child together. I was so entranced with xMM, I really wasn't thinking straight.

Edited January 31, 2013 by BrokenPrincess

[Inviv_girl]

Western culture!

[Realist3]

In my case it was purely situational. Wasn't looking for it. Didn't even consider I would do it. Yet here I am.

[waterwoman]

I asked H and he told me it wasn't his intention. He got too close to a colleague - he talked about her to me quite often, her marriage and her problems. I made sympathetic noises but didnt take much notice. He didn't even consider it an affair, or a potential affair. But when she told him that she loved him he didn't stop and turn back - that makes me mad! I was in the same place as him 20 odd years ago and when my colleague said the L word I realised I was playing too close to the edge and backed away (in fact I left my job asap). Difference between him and me? Character possibly, but mainly that our marriage wasn't in the same place - we were 3 kids and 20 yrs down the line. He wanted someone to make him feel special - funnily enough so did I, but hey....

[Pierre]

Why - I'd like to know your thoughts on why they think it's a good idea. (I'm sure that this will be interesting..)

 

This is my own personal experience with cheating.

 

1. If I am in deep love (first two years of a new relationship) cheating is out of the question. However, I was never a multi-dater, I can only date one at a time. I cannot do compartments very well.

 

2. Once I was married and knew my wife for a long time I became a flirt and had countless of mini EAs or close friendships with women. In this regard I was looking for validation. These activities elicit a response and one is highly gratified (or validated). Some of these EAs got very close to the PA line, but I elected not to go there because the complications were obvious to me. I always considered the well being of a H or BF (if there was one). I was somewhat conscious of the Golden Rule.

 

3. The women were no better or worse than my wife, they were simply different. Many were way below the league of my wife, but were "new" to me. I never fell hard for any of these women, but I enjoyed the courting.

 

4. I considered extracurricular sex for variety, but once again I always put the brakes on. The complications were quite obvious to me. I also knew my wife would immediately know I slept with someone as soon as I walk into the house. I don't know how to lie very well.

 

5, This had nothing to do with loving or not loving my wife. This had nothing to do with getting or not getting sex at home, but I will say my wife was always into sex. This had nothing to do with being happy or unhappy in the marriage. This was all on me.

[loredo21]

i got three answers when i asked MOM why he wanted the A...

Human Connection

Physical Attraction

Sexual Passion

and i believe them all to be true. especially the last one. Shoulda known.

[Pierre]

i got three answers when i asked MOM why he wanted the A...

Human Connection

Physical Attraction

Sexual Passion

and i believe them all to be true. especially the last one. Shoulda known.

 

The problem is that to achieve all three one needs to get rid of honesty.

[Got it]

I am female but I don't think the genders are that different on why they cheat. There are many reasons why someone cheats.

 

I cheated because I was done with the marriage. But I was open to cheating well before that. I cheated because the marriage/spouse was safe and safe took precedence over everything else even though there were a number of areas that my needs were not being meet. But being alone was worse.

 

I never dated much, married my high school sweetheart, and had only had sex iwth him. When there were three specific events that happened in that last year, where I realized and consciously knew I was done with the marriage I gave myself the go ahead to have sex with another man.

 

I wasn't looking for the affair that I recall but I was definitely open to it. Unlike in other times, there were zero breaks when the affair started developing. I never had a second thought or hesitation. I was planning my divorce so the overlapping emotionally was not an issue for me. I moved out a few weeks later.

 

But the issue was the slippery slope of not having my needs met and not getting resolution on them. I should have ended the relationship years earlier when I was in IC alone because he refused to go to therapy. Or the bigger red flag, when I was walking down the aisle and the thought jumped in that, well divorce isn't that hard. Sigh. . . maturity would have been very helpful and a stronger backbone to do what was right for both of us.