Why do they cheat? The MM??

[Pierre]

The problem is that to achieve all three one needs to get rid of honesty.

 

Actually, attraction is OK and no lying is required. But the sex and human connection require lying.

[SunshineToday]

Not a MM, but a (former) cheater here. I cheated because:

 

1. It felt so (too) good to have someone dumping all that attention and affection towards me. And my whole R was in fantasy land without any real life problems--it was all good--no bills, no money issues, no work issues, no seeing you sick, seeing you in sweats, cleaning up your stuff--all roses and butterflies.

2. My tricky little brain started telling itself--don't feel bad, do it, you deserve it. You will NEVER get caught. H will never know--it can't hurt him if he doesn't know. So I pretty quickly pushed that out of my head. I was clearly not thinking as I normally did. I see it now, but did not at the time.

3. I did and said many many things (including ILY) to my AP--and I know I did not love him. I knew I didnt and I STILL SAID IT TO HIM, to keep my ride going. I said I would be happy to be in a real R with him. And my AP believed it--150% and I really didn't want to EVER end up with him. Ever. But if he were posting on this board, I know he would say the same things so many of the OW posting here say. (she told me she loved me, told me she was married in name only, we talked about our future) Yes, I did all of that knowing I was LYING because I didn't want my happy little fanstasy world to go away, and wanted keep my marriage too.

And yes, you didn't go looking for it. Okay neither did I. Makes no difference if I did or not. A perfect storm has to be in place for most people to even begin that sort of thing.

 

So please when your AP says they love you so much, blah blah blah, remember: People having affairs lie--about small things and about big things-- to everyone they are involved with at the time.

[JamesM]

1. Bad marriage

2. Poor choices

3. Lack of commitment

 

We all encounter situations where we could cheat. We should all prepare for the fact that we may cheat and set up boundaries so that we cannot cheat.

 

Most don't even consider it until they are in a relationship that is far from desirable. Those that do it while in a happy marriage are simply those who enjoy the thrill and the excitement and variety that only numerous affairs and women can offer. This is different from the (IMO) majority of affairs that result from poor relationships.

 

Many in poor relationships face a decision: Should I stay or should I go? Some add a third option of: Should I cheat? This is not usually a conscious decision or choice, but when faced with the option, it becomes attractive and is chosen as a "solution."

 

So...why do they cheat? It is hard to stereotype any one person, but IMO they did not want to make the most difficult choice of beginning the hard work of fixing the marriage. It is much easier to divorce or cheat IMO than it is to fix a marriage which seems to be dead and without joy. And yet the best one for the children and family is the hardest.

 

It is easier to avoid the problem and choose another partner while sticking with the family (provided the affair stays secret). It is sometimes even easier to leave the situation (another form of avoidance) than it is to confront the problem and fix it (or attempt to).

[woinlove]

1. Bad marriage

2. Poor choices

3. Lack of commitment

 

We all encounter situations where we could cheat. We should all prepare for the fact that we may cheat and set up boundaries so that we cannot cheat.

 

Most don't even consider it until they are in a relationship that is far from desirable. Those that do it while in a happy marriage are simply those who enjoy the thrill and the excitement and variety that only numerous affairs and women can offer. This is different from the (IMO) majority of affairs that result from poor relationships.

 

Many in poor relationships face a decision: Should I stay or should I go? Some add a third option of: Should I cheat? This is not usually a conscious decision or choice, but when faced with the option, it becomes attractive and is chosen as a "solution."

 

So...why do they cheat? It is hard to stereotype any one person, but IMO they did not want to make the most difficult choice of beginning the hard work of fixing the marriage. It is much easier to divorce or cheat IMO than it is to fix a marriage which seems to be dead and without joy. And yet the best one for the children and family is the hardest.

 

It is easier to avoid the problem and choose another partner while sticking with the family (provided the affair stays secret). It is sometimes even easier to leave the situation (another form of avoidance) than it is to confront the problem and fix it (or attempt to).

 

Lots of good points. But on the bolded, I think there is more than the happy or not happy M dichotomy pointing to variety or excitement. Lots of affairs start when the W becomes pregnant, ill, or the WS loses their job or faces some other stress. One stress can be dealing with an unhappy M, but lots of other stresses seem to come into play for some people who cheat. Your points on how they deal (or don't) with problems is relevant whether the problems are in the M (and in some cases, the WS may be largely to blame for the problems in the M as selfish people are more likely to cheat and to be difficult to maintain a happy M with) or the problems are something else.

[Pierre]

I will say it again:

 

Despite all provided reasons one needs a bit of dishonesty to cheat. Without dishonesty cheating is pretty hard to do.

[Spark1111]

I will say it again:

 

Despite all provided reasons one needs a bit of dishonesty to cheat. Without dishonesty cheating is pretty hard to do.

 

I think it is a dishonesty people talk themselves into and that right there, is a very interesting process.

 

You keep moving those goal posts bit by bit, everyday, until they are gone.

[Realist3]

I think it is a dishonesty people talk themselves into and that right there, is a very interesting process.

 

You keep moving those goal posts bit by bit, everyday, until they are gone.

 

Don't fall out of your chair, but I agree. Once you cross over that initial hump, the hump no longer exists.

[veryhappy]

I disagree. I always considered myself a potential cheater and I mainly kept myself in check by the imorality of it.

 

Once I cheated, and it didn't just happen in my case, I realized after a while that I'm not actually a cheater at my core as I was fearing. I was surprised to find out I'm more monogamous than I've ever thought and I want exclusivity both ways.

[Pierre]

I think it is a dishonesty people talk themselves into and that right there, is a very interesting process.

 

You keep moving those goal posts bit by bit, everyday, until they are gone.

 

I want to say that there are many people that are 100% honest in all aspects of life, but the temptation of "strange" is simply way too high.:laugh:

[promises]

I want to say that there are many people that are 100% honest in all aspects of life, but the temptation of "strange" is simply way too high.:laugh:

 

Let's not forget those though who may be super honest and righteous, but hardly honest with themselves.

 

No one is completely honest. If we are being honest.

 

[promises]

Because they can and because they want to.

 

Simplicity. At the end of the day, they want to.

[underwater2010]

From what we have gathered here are my FWH issues:

 

1. Lonely do to living as roommates. Which he blamed himself for.

2. Depression from weight gain, job, and lack of being able to provide what he wanted to provide

3. Attention

 

He was never in love with her, nor her with him. It was simply a side relationship. He never wanted to lose me or the kids. He made a bunch of bad decisions with one woman and has regreted it every since.

[TheOW]

From what we have gathered here are my FWH issues:

 

1. Lonely do to living as roommates. Which he blamed himself for.

2. Depression from weight gain, job, and lack of being able to provide what he wanted to provide

3. Attention

 

He was never in love with her, nor her with him. It was simply a side relationship. He never wanted to lose me or the kids. He made a bunch of bad decisions with one woman and has regreted it every since.

 

Thats exactly why my mm is having an A, but we think we love each other i guess thats debatable though but it feels like we are and he clearly states point blank that he does. If he was/us were caught that may not be the case.

[flattened]

Some times, believe it or not, it's because the MM really does love the OW. But, fair enough, in those cases, he doesn't stay married in the end. However, as someone else pointed out in some other thread, getting divorced when you have kids is hard, so it can take longer and have more twists than you think.

[Pierre]

Thats exactly why my mm is having an A, but we think we love each other i guess thats debatable though but it feels like we are and he clearly states point blank that he does. If he was/us were caught that may not be the case.

 

TOW:

 

MOM loves you, but he loves you in the affair bubble.

[woinlove]

Oh I think he often does love the OW, but rarely does he love her before he ever touches her... you know?

 

Exactly. The first touch or whatever it is that first crosses the line to allowing the OW to be a romantic interest secret from his W. Although from reading LS, I see some MM are good at self-delusion and basically manage to block out for a long time the realization they are crossing lines and acting as a single man while married. I guess it is their own way of giving themselves permission to cheat.

[thefooloftheyear]

Why?

 

I dont know, frankly....

 

Interesting the revelations that come to light...

 

We all know of the Arnold Schwarzenegger extramarital affair.

 

The head of the CIA,(David Petraeus), who has the type of job that requires someone of SPOTLESS character and integrity was recently outed for his part in an extramarital affair.

 

Now, just today, we learn that Dan Marino(Hall of fame QB and TV personality)fathered a love child that no one publicly knew of....

 

You would think with ALL these folks have to lose that "it just wouldnt be worth it"...Heck, even though the woman in the Petraeus affair is VERY attractive, the one that the Governator was doing...eh....not so much....

 

All kidding aside, maybe there is a genetic pre-disposition for this type of behavior...I just do not know...

 

Bottom line is everyone knows its wrong and does hurt people.

 

 

TFOY

[Got it]

Good point. So the OW who knows this deep down, and seduces him to touch her then complains because he didn't follow through and leave his wife and be her true love? I am thinking of the OW who hurt my sister. She literally said when they got back together (one of her thousands of fishing expeditions that got ignored...) "I thought that when I got you to sleep with me you burned that bridge, you loved me after that and your wife would never take you back".

 

She knew it was a hurdle and she was determined to get past it.

 

Here we go again, the campaign that the woman is at fault and the male is the victim.

 

You can't harass the willing. Why do you think she had to do any seducing to get him to have an affair?

 

I did nothing in my case and we were both gung ho. The only thing I did to seduce was to state the facts with a questions, is there something going on between us?

 

But I forgot, women always have to hold more responsibility. I forgot we always forgive men for being male.

[veryhappy]

does this go both ways? is it impossible for either side to be seduced against their will?

 

You can't seduce somebody against their will. If it's against their will it's cohereced, and it's called rape.

 

These MM who cry of being seduced, they've enjoyed every second of it and knew what was happening.

[JamesM]

You can't seduce somebody against their will. If it's against their will it's cohereced, and it's called rape.

 

These MM who cry of being seduced, they've enjoyed every second of it and knew what was happening.

 

The stronger willed person tends to be the more persistent seducer. The one who has the most to lose tends to seduce the least.

 

A MM who has a strong character will pursue the affair more than the man who is less aggressive. Both are willing to choose an affair, but the one will allow himself to be seduced or even passively encourage it, but the other will pursue the affair even if the AP resists.

 

Affairs takes two, but I may be wrong when I say that one person tends to be the aggressor.

[Got it]

does this go both ways? is it impossible for either side to be seduced against their will?

 

No, I don't agree that one can be seduced against their will. Unless you are lied to, brainwashed, etc. than there is ownership in it. I understand that there can be a perfect storm where one is taken advantage of, or at a weak moment where in hindsight you see that in the majority of one's life they wouldn't have taken that path. But no, I don't think so.

[Got it]

The stronger willed person tends to be the more persistent seducer. The one who has the most to lose tends to seduce the least.

 

A MM who has a strong character will pursue the affair more than the man who is less aggressive. Both are willing to choose an affair, but the one will allow himself to be seduced or even passively encourage it, but the other will pursue the affair even if the AP resists.

 

Affairs takes two, but I may be wrong when I say that one person tends to be the aggressor.

 

I don't know in my case that one pursued more than another. It was very simply a back and forth. The tipping point for us was me just blurting out, is there something going on between us, but that question could have been answered in a different manner and a different path would have been walked.

 

I think in half the times it is a pretty equal give and take, like a lot of dating beginnings, where both are willing participants. I don't even know if most realize, till they hit that point where I asked that question, that you were even walking down such a slippery slope. There is some flirting, some enjoyment of hte other person, but it is all not too bad. But that point was the tipping point, if we both answer yes, we were in the affair. But if either party said no, well it wouldn't have happened.

 

I am not discounting times where someone is a predator but I think those cases are more in the minority.

[RickFox]

In my case it was purely situational. Wasn't looking for it. Didn't even consider I would do it. Yet here I am.

 

As was my case.....at least that led to it...the decision to engage and keep engaging was for reasons stated earlier....

[promises]

I wonder if in some odd way, those that think the woman must've souly seduced the MM actually have a tinge of resentment/jealousy perhaps of these hypothetical women.

 

That is just a general statement, btw. Anyone who thinks that the woman was the seductress reaching out to lonely weak husbands who couldn't help but not keep his pants on is living in a different world.

[Got it]

Possibly. I also think that there is a viewpoint that women are in charge of sexuality/sex and so if it happens it is because she allowed it either good or bad. Women are at fault/responsible. Men are men so they are expected to pursue sex, women are responsible for delegating it.