Why do they cheat? The MM??

[bentnotbroken]

I wonder if in some odd way, those that think the woman must've souly seduced the MM actually have a tinge of resentment/jealousy perhaps of these hypothetical women.

 

That is just a general statement, btw. Anyone who thinks that the woman was the seductress reaching out to lonely weak husbands who couldn't help but not keep his pants on is living in a different world.

 

 

As has been demonstrated here on numerous occassions. Quite a few women(and men) live in a different world from the others.

[Realist3]

Possibly. I also think that there is a viewpoint that women are in charge of sexuality/sex and so if it happens it is because she allowed it either good or bad. Women are at fault/responsible. Men are men so they are expected to pursue sex, women are responsible for delegating it.

 

Interesting comment.

[obladi]

I cheated first cos ow she let me. different tho cos now im with her.

[Got it]

I cheated first cos ow she let me. different tho cos now im with her.

 

And my point is proven.

[Realist3]

Hello - the 1950's are calling! They want their dogma back!

 

I don't agree with that comment. Maybe I am a 1950's holdback, but women do hold the power of whom they decide to have sex with. I don't assign fault or blame with their decision. By and large men will say yes. "There was this hot woman who begged me to have sex, but I said no." When was the last time you have heard that?

[skylarblue]

Why xMM chose to cross the line and cheat initially:

-I intrigued him.

-I was a once in a lifetime opportunity that he couldn't pass up.

 

Why it went beyond a ONS:

-I was the best sex he ever had (we wouldn't have made it that far [to the point where he started developing feelings] if the sex wasn't so good).

 

Why it became and remained long-term:

-He loved me. I was his soulmate...

-He had the best of worlds (what man wouldn't be happy with that).

-The W isn't going leave him (she would've done it already if she was).

 

All of the above comments are from xMM's own words (including parentheses).

[flattened]

Oh I think he often does love the OW, but rarely does he love her before he ever touches her... you know?

 

Rarely. But not impossible. I never had sex with the xOW. But I loved her. Enough to put an end to my relationship with my wife.

 

But then again, I stopped having sex with my wife after I got involved with the OW, because it felt like cheating. Try that on for being mixed up.

[Got it]

I don't agree with that comment. Maybe I am a 1950's holdback, but women do hold the power of whom they decide to have sex with. I don't assign fault or blame with their decision. By and large men will say yes. "There was this hot woman who begged me to have sex, but I said no." When was the last time you have heard that?

 

Yes and this is saying that women are more responsible than men. And this is wrong. One it is assuming that women have less of a sex drive than men and it is saying that woman have/should have more control and men less. This is saying men are not as responsible and it is wrong and incorrect and quite sexist.

 

Men are just as responsible as women to manage themselves appropriately in all circumstances. No one should get a pass because they have an outie than an innie.

[Got it]

Rarely. But not impossible. I never had sex with the xOW. But I loved her. Enough to put an end to my relationship with my wife.

 

But then again, I stopped having sex with my wife after I got involved with the OW, because it felt like cheating. Try that on for being mixed up.

 

That wasn't abnormal for us. We both stopped any sex with spouses when the affair started. Our loyalty was to us at that point and not our spouses.

[twinsmom]

My guess - because he's unfulfilled at home, and he doesn't love his W enough to stay faithful to her anyway.

 

If he could divorce her without having to go through the devastating impact to his finances, children, extended family, or community standing, he would. But that's not possible.

 

He doesn't feel any motivation to rekindle the romantic flames with his W. That ship sailed a long time ago, due to the deep familiarity & ennui that marriage inevitably brings about. He views her asexually, as a familiar sibling.

 

And he doesn't want to believe that "this is all there is." He thinks he might as well lay down and die, to believe that. He wants to LIVE. So as a way to reach out & grab life by the horns, he looks for love, sex, anything to make him feel alive again, outside the M.

 

 

This is one of the best posts I've ever read on here. I know many people would say, "this is just what the OW WANTS to believe", but I firmly believe that it's true in many, many cases. I couldn't have said it better myself.

[underwater2010]

Thats exactly why my mm is having an A, but we think we love each other i guess thats debatable though but it feels like we are and he clearly states point blank that he does. If he was/us were caught that may not be the case.

I hope for your sake he does love you. I happen to have read all the emails and I know that they never said I love you and her issues prevent her from having a true intimate relationship with any man, besides sex. They also were not planning to run off into the sunset. She has tons of issues and a husband that is standing beside her. My husband was bored. It was a good match in that neither one expected anymore than chats and big talk from one another.

[ComingInHot]

why did my fWH cheat?

 

She said yes.

 

Some husband's say, yes.

 

Why haven't I cheated?

 

I said/say, No.

 

It's a choice. For whatever reason, cheaters say, yes.

[JamesM]

OB, your post is good and certainly applies to many MMs. From my own experience when I could have easily chosen an affair (but thankfully no woman presented herself to me when I was most vulnerable)...here is how I would differ...

 

My guess - because he's unfulfilled at home, and he doesn't love his W enough to stay faithful to her anyway.

 

No, he truly loves her as in feelings love, but he doesn't feel the need to honor the commitment as in action, because his mind and heart are clouded over with anger, frustration and resentment. He feels that her lack of response to his concerns make his commitment less necessary.

 

Yes, he is unfulfilled at home. Some of that is from his own doing and lack of commitment. Some of that is from his wife's lack of commitment. And much of it is from both partners taking each other and the marriage for granted. Along with that, life happens.

 

If he could divorce her without having to go through the devastating impact to his finances, children, extended family, or community standing, he would. But that's not possible.

 

Possibly, but on the other hand, if she showed love to him and responded to his pleadings for what is missing, then in a heartbeat he would be back.Hence why so many MMs will return to their wives when she changes or begs him to return.

 

Most people who end up in affairs don't really want to leave the marriage. Many think they love the AP, but in reality when push comes to shove, they don't and stick with their spouse.

 

He doesn't feel any motivation to rekindle the romantic flames with his W. That ship sailed a long time ago, due to the deep familiarity & ennui that marriage inevitably brings about.

 

Actually, the ship sailed but is waiting in a harbor nearby. But the MM doesn't know it. He thinks he has lost his love for her because of the anger covering it, but in fact, the OW is a diversion until his marriage is changed. He still believes in his heart that his marriage will recover and that is the reason why he hangs in there despite having the affair. Yes, the marriage got boring and his wife seems to be much less exciting, but he knows that he still lovers her and wants to keep sharing those memories with her.

 

In some ways, the affair is simply an attempt to hang in there with the marriage and as a way to keep his sanity.

 

He views her asexually, as a familiar sibling.

 

He may but only because they no longer have sex. He looks at her weight gain and notices her flaws, but in the moment that she suddenly looks at him with that familiar smile and look of love that only she can give, his heart flip flops. No OW can make this happen except maybe in the short term. His affair is a diversion, but in reality, he wants his wife back as she was.

 

And he doesn't want to believe that "this is all there is." He thinks he might as well lay down and die, to believe that. He wants to LIVE. So as a way to reach out & grab life by the horns, he looks for love, sex, anything to make him feel alive again, outside the M.

 

This does apply to us older men who reach the notorious mid life crisis. However, the OW only has an appeal if our own wives don't. Oddly, I wonder if the wife feels the same way when it comes to "is this all there is." Some MM do choose an affair because they want that feeling of youth and the thrill of the new woman. No question. IMO many MM choose an affair to fill a void and not because of the "this is all there is" mindset.

 

As an example of how a renewed marriage and sex life can make a man feel alive, I am convinced that a marriage will survive the mid-life crisis if both realize that feeling alive as a person is more fun if the marriage is kept alive. Seeking another person to fulfill an emptiness is a short term solution, but when the dust settles, the familiar love with his/her memories is much better than the newer, younger woman who has few memories and less in common. When it comes down to it, the spouse is truly the one he/she wants to grow old with.

 

I know that people fall out of love, and I know that the MM can certainly love the new OW, but as evidenced by many MM returning to their wives, many affairs are simply an attempt to fill a void left by a ailing marriage. Take the energy that is poured into an affair and put it back into the marriage with out expecting anything in return and yet knowing that such an investment WILL yield benefits...this will be much more fulfilling than a fling with another person.

 

Why do they cheat? To fill a void brought about by a bad marriage or something temporarily lacking within. Rarely, is it simply because the new person is a more wonderful and better matching partner. It is the thrill of the affair that makes him or her alive rather than the feelings for the AP. it is the excitement of a secret life that makes him seem happier rather than the enjoyment of being with someone other than his wife.

 

 

Good post. I just wanted to add some twists based on my thoughts and experiences.

[Spark1111]

As usual there's some willful misinterpretation.

 

No one forces someone to cheat. And seduction "to the affair" is not what I was talking about. But once certain lines are crossed there is often a pursuer/seducer trying to "secure" more stability in the "relationship". To *make* it a relationship not an ambiguous situation.

 

I hold those seekers, if you will, more to blame than those who accept. That's kinda obvious.

 

I think there are people who look for an A. Others look for a relationship but have no scruples about it being an A. And then there are those who would not have done anything in the direction of cheating but for the pursuit. Sure they're weak and disloyal in the end but you can't say "it could have been anyone." I think that its kind of funny the doublethink that "we're special, we're different" but if called out in the pain inflicted the reply is "if not me then someone else".

 

One type of MAP (male or female) wouldn't cheat but for heavy pursuit and while NOT in the least absolved, the AP is sure worthy of responsibility equally of not more. The stereotype says its the man who pursues. It isn't always. I'm an equal opportunity critic of people who seek affairs and I do make a distinction between them and other cheaters.

 

I agree with this post. I find it very insightful and describes the differing degrees of intent or lack thereof to become involved in an EMR.

 

Some are serial, some oblivious and others, extremely vulnerable to the pursuer.

[Spark1111]

I was just wondering, you seem really wrapped up in defending the person who cheats, you mention him a lot and seem to be trying to find excuses for him at every turn. I can honestly say I've never known anyone to be that emotionally invested in someone who betrayed their sister.

 

Do you have a sister?

 

And personally I find this constant miminizing of MH's post really, really rude.

[Spark1111]

Are you in love with your brother in law?

 

As is this!

[Spark1111]

Omg this cracked me up.

I have visions of someone in jungle gear just randomly stalking someone through an office setting.

You can't say in one thread that the AP isn't special and that it could have been anyone and then 3 days later say that of course it couldn't have been anyone. Your posts are so outlandish and all over the place and determined to dig at anyone posting that it's outrageous. You will say whatever you think will slap at someone. I really hope you are getting the therapy I suggested months ago when you were posting here as someone else. And then someone else. And I'm pretty sure as someone else after that. I really do. You need help.

 

Forgive me if I am wrong, but I believe you espoused this very point in being a willing participant, no? Initially?

 

Rude also!

[promises]

Placing shame on others as ones goal is arguably one of the worst things a human can repeatedly do to another human. I stop listening/reading when I see that is anothers goal.

 

If it isn't your issue, it's pretty unhealthy to believe it is.

 

(off soap box)

[cocorico]

Why - I'd like to know your thoughts on why they think it's a good idea. (I'm sure that this will be interesting..)

 

My reading of why my H was unfaithful to his xW:

 

He had recently taken her back after a failed separation (great for him, but she fell to pieces, the kids were traumatised, she begged him to take her back and he agreed with certain provisos). The "reconciliation" did not work - things quickly returned to status quo ante, or worse; she did not keep her side of the bargain, but he felt trapped because the kids had taken the separation so badly. He had tasted life outside the M, yearned for the happiness he had started to become acquainted with, was desperate for human affection, respect and love in a R, and was in a very vulnerable place. He felt he would only be able to escape his M when the kids were old enough, so D at that stage seemed like a very selfish option given the effect it would have on the kids. Yet he could not totally ignore his own needs when the opportunity presented.

 

Personally, I think it would have been better for him if he'd stood his ground and refused to take her back when she begged. He could have organised proper counselling for the kids, and helped them through it, and left her to deal with the consequences of her own behaviour, but he'd have also felt morally compromised that way because he was brought up to put others ahead of himself. Lose - lose, I guess.

[Pierre]

My reading of why my H was unfaithful to his xW:

 

He had recently taken her back after a failed separation (great for him, but she fell to pieces, the kids were traumatised, she begged him to take her back and he agreed with certain provisos). The "reconciliation" did not work - things quickly returned to status quo ante, or worse; she did not keep her side of the bargain, but he felt trapped because the kids had taken the separation so badly. He had tasted life outside the M, yearned for the happiness he had started to become acquainted with, was desperate for human affection, respect and love in a R, and was in a very vulnerable place. He felt he would only be able to escape his M when the kids were old enough, so D at that stage seemed like a very selfish option given the effect it would have on the kids. Yet he could not totally ignore his own needs when the opportunity presented.

 

Personally, I think it would have been better for him if he'd stood his ground and refused to take her back when she begged. He could have organised proper counselling for the kids, and helped them through it, and left her to deal with the consequences of her own behaviour, but he'd have also felt morally compromised that way because he was brought up to put others ahead of himself. Lose - lose, I guess.

 

Translation:

 

Exit affair. No big deal, no intention to eat cake.

[Spark1111]

Placing shame on others as ones goal is arguably one of the worst things a human can repeatedly do to another human. I stop listening/reading when I see that is anothers goal.

 

If it isn't your issue, it's pretty unhealthy to believe it is.

 

(off soap box)

 

Promises, I put you SQUARELY in the last camp. You were vulnerable, maybe lonely and grew attracted to your xMM.

 

He sensed that from a mile away and pursued you to the nth degree.

 

Didn't he bring his children to the park to meet you waaa-y before anything really started?

 

That sounds like an aggressive pursuer who even used his relationship with his children to pull at your heartstrings.

 

I would also guess he assessed you would be a woman who would NEVER make trouble for him and his family, correct?

 

Did he care for you? Yes. Did he love you in the affair bubble? Most likely.

 

Did he string you along to keep those feel good feelings a'coming? You bet he did.

 

Did he know you had fallen in love with him? I would say yes, and that boosted his ego even more.

 

Did he intend to keep his promises to you? Probably not, but knowing how you felt about him, he did not know how to end it. Maybe your feelings for him were starting to make him feel some guilt and discomfort.

 

He bowed out. He's a coward, but maybe he was a coward who cared deeply for you before he ran away.

 

Right now you are, quite rightfully, in the angry, devastated and rejected stage.

 

In time, as you heal, please examine the tipping point: The point in which YOU could have pulled back, made the right instead of the left, travelled a different path than this one.

 

You are going to need to do that-- identify the vulnerability that led you to this current heartbreak.

[sweet_pea]

Placing shame on others as ones goal is arguably one of the worst things a human can repeatedly do to another human. I stop listening/reading when I see that is anothers goal.

 

If it isn't your issue, it's pretty unhealthy to believe it is.

 

(off soap box)

 

I agree that shaming someone as a goal is horrible.

 

But, to the "if it isn't your issue..." thing, I disagree. If someone I care about is hurt, has been wronged in any way and so forth, I will make it my issue. I may not get all up in their business, but I will try my best to help them in any way. That's just how I am, very loyal and very protective of those who I care about.

 

But to answer your question: they cheat because they choose to. Just like people become APs because they also choose to. It's all a choice.

[promises]

Promises, I put you SQUARELY in the last camp. You were vulnerable, maybe lonely and grew attracted to your xMM.

 

He sensed that from a mile away and pursued you to the nth degree.

 

Didn't he bring his children to the park to meet you waaa-y before anything really started?

 

That sounds like an aggressive pursuer who even used his relationship with his children to pull at your heartstrings.

 

I would also guess he assessed you would be a woman who would NEVER make trouble for him and his family, correct?

 

Did he care for you? Yes. Did he love you in the affair bubble? Most likely.

 

Did he string you along to keep those feel good feelings a'coming? You bet he did.

 

Did he know you had fallen in love with him? I would say yes, and that boosted his ego even more.

 

Did he intend to keep his promises to you? Probably not, but knowing how you felt about him, he did not know how to end it. Maybe your feelings for him were starting to make him feel some guilt and discomfort.

 

He bowed out. He's a coward, but maybe he was a coward who cared deeply for you before he ran away.

 

Right now you are, quite rightfully, in the angry, devastated and rejected stage.

 

In time, as you heal, please examine the tipping point: The point in which YOU could have pulled back, made the right instead of the left, travelled a different path than this one.

 

You are going to need to do that-- identify the vulnerability that led you to this current heartbreak.

 

 

He wanted to bring his youngest to the park, yes. But, I said no.

He sent me pictures of his children constantly.

 

I know my tipping point and what made me vulnerable to his attention and advances.

 

I'd been going through surgeries, treatment and life threatening ill for two years prior. Vulnerable in its truest form.

 

I was in recovery and very very weak both physically (although getting much stronger) but mainly mentally weak. If you have been that close to life and death you understand the situation. If people have not, then judgements I will not listen to. I do appreciate your support and message very much. Others, have been juvenile and honestly at best ignorant.

[Got it]

As usual there's some willful misinterpretation.

 

No one forces someone to cheat. And seduction "to the affair" is not what I was talking about. But once certain lines are crossed there is often a pursuer/seducer trying to "secure" more stability in the "relationship". To *make* it a relationship not an ambiguous situation.

 

I hold those seekers, if you will, more to blame than those who accept. That's kinda obvious.

 

I think there are people who look for an A. Others look for a relationship but have no scruples about it being an A. And then there are those who would not have done anything in the direction of cheating but for the pursuit. Sure they're weak and disloyal in the end but you can't say "it could have been anyone." I think that its kind of funny the doublethink that "we're special, we're different" but if called out in the pain inflicted the reply is "if not me then someone else".

 

One type of MAP (male or female) wouldn't cheat but for heavy pursuit and while NOT in the least absolved, the AP is sure worthy of responsibility equally of not more. The stereotype says its the man who pursues. It isn't always. I'm an equal opportunity critic of people who seek affairs and I do make a distinction between them and other cheaters.

 

No, that isn't quite obvious. Why do you think that? And why do you tend to automatically assume it is the female based on your other posts?

 

And I disagree, you are not equal opportunity critic. Your posts have shown time and time again that you hold the woman more accountable than the man. Reread your posts.

[Got it]

Haha no. He cheated. And he's married. If he's lucky I might accept he is sorry enough one day. That's a long way off. Unlike his wife I'm not invested in doing my bit so I can call it like it is. I am his worst critic.

 

Because you feel you should be in the middle of their marriage? That it is any of your business?

 

If they are reconciling the worst thing you can do is hold too long of a grudge. At some point you yourself will not be seen as a friend of their marriage and will be cast out. Stay too long in bitterville, especially when it only indirectly touched you, and you will find yourself alone.

 

You say you are his worst critic, that is giving yourself a level of importance that you really don't deserve to have. You criticize him too long then you will find yourself an enemy of your sister. I pity your emotional make up.

Edited February 1, 2013 by Got it