My girlfriend of 1 and a half years cheated on me and I don't know

[Williams91]

Me and my girlfriend have been together for just over a year and a half. We met at university, and spent an entire year happily together. The next year, however, she moved to France for a year abroad. Things weren't bad at all as long distance relationships go, we saw each other without more than a 10 day break, and when ever we saw each other it was amazing.

 

Today she called me and, having gotten back to France yesterday, she told me she cheated on me with someone on her course. They were drinking until late into the night when they had a fight "licking each others faces". Afterwards they kissed before she stopped being regretful of what she'd done. Later that night/morning, however, he walked her back and he ended up staying the night at hers (where they further got together - stuff but not sex).

 

She's been calling me all day telling me that she loves me (and I do love her) but I have no idea what to do. We're basically looking at another 2 years of a long-distance relationship (as she will have a further year at university and I'll be back home before going travelling), and how do I know that this won't happen again? How do I know that, if we were to get back together, we could get back to the same place we were 2 days ago?

 

Desperately seeking advice

[loversquarrel]

It's hard enough trying to maintain a LDR, never mind dealing with a newly developed serious trust issue. Honestly, you are going to read it over and over. It's a crappy thing to have to deal with but it's over. A year and a half in and you sound young? Cut your losses, its not worth it.

[Williams91]

But the problem is that I still love her! Do you think its worth trying to make it work? Or should I just 'cut my losses' and leave?

[Williams91]

But the problem is that I still love her! Do you think its worth trying to make it work? Or should I just 'cut my losses' and leave?

[nofool4u]

Get rid of her and move on to better women.

[aed]

But the problem is that I still love her! Do you think its worth trying to make it work? Or should I just 'cut my losses' and leave?

 

Would you advise your buddy to stay, when he is in the same situation?

[Darren Steez]

They had sex.

 

She cheated.

 

She can have sex anytime she wants and not tell you.

 

You are in a LDR and have zero control over the situation.

 

She cheated.

 

Trust is gone.

 

You love (cling) her, but she cheated, does she love you?

 

After kissing, she walked back and spent the night with him, where were you in her thoughts?

[Bryanp]

If you honestly think that she did not have sex with this guy then you are in big time denial and I have a bridge to sell you. Why do you want to be in love with a cheater who cannot control her drinking? You can do better my friend.

[Citizen Erased]

Your relationship is doomed, no LDR can survive with no trust. No relationship can really but a LDR? No way.

 

She has shown the kind of person she is, act accordingly.

[Lani]

The thing that bothers me most about this is that she stopped things that night when they'd been drinking, then then things went further the next morning. She'd had time to think about things, and come to her senses, yet she still did it.

 

I understand that you love her, but you're not going to trust her.

End things before you end up resenting her.

[GSB81]

You do not know that this won't happen again. Your relationship with this skank will never be the same after this. She ruined it. Yeah, you love her but the feeling isn't as mutual. If it were, this would have never happened. A very cold and cruel ex who ripped my heart out over 10 years ago told me something so true and simple that I will always remember it. Here it is - love is not enough. Love is not enough for you to throw away your dignity and become a doormat for a girl who has committed the ultimate betrayal. Good luck and welcome to the forum.

[road]

I have seen too many GF's cheat while dating then they cheated after they got married to the BF they cheated on.

 

Dump her for that and LDR never work, you are young and do not need this baggage.

[Talak7]

Me and my girlfriend have been together for just over a year and a half. We met at university, and spent an entire year happily together. The next year, however, she moved to France for a year abroad. Things weren't bad at all as long distance relationships go, we saw each other without more than a 10 day break, and when ever we saw each other it was amazing.

 

Today she called me and, having gotten back to France yesterday, she told me she cheated on me with someone on her course. They were drinking until late into the night when they had a fight "licking each others faces". Afterwards they kissed before she stopped being regretful of what she'd done. Later that night/morning, however, he walked her back and he ended up staying the night at hers (where they further got together - stuff but not sex).

 

She's been calling me all day telling me that she loves me (and I do love her) but I have no idea what to do. We're basically looking at another 2 years of a long-distance relationship (as she will have a further year at university and I'll be back home before going travelling), and how do I know that this won't happen again? How do I know that, if we were to get back together, we could get back to the same place we were 2 days ago?

 

Desperately seeking advice

 

 

Cheating is for people that don't understand that everyone wants to bang hotties! That's life! The difference is that cheaters don't make the CHOICE to not. they just follow their "Feelings" and they say "Omg I'm all turned on by this guy I must like him" instead of "Oh my body hasn't been banged by my boyfriend for a while and I have needs and its telling me that".

 

 

Williams....

 

You're here because you want to hear that it's okay. You don't want to lose the happiness you've had, and you are conflicted with the lack of loyalty shes displayed and your affection for her.

 

I'm sorry buddy, she had sex with him.

Ugh, I hate typing it. I hate it because it happened to me too. I hate it because even NOW I feel like because SHE didn't tell me she did, she actually didn't.

And you know what? Hold on to that if that's what helps. But it doesn't ****ing matter one little bit. the act of actual SEX isn't important. It's the feelings, the betrayal, and the lust for another that hurts us so deeply. Not because of which body parts touched where.

 

PLEASE listen (read) what I'm going to say VERY seriously.

Forget her.

"Oh no I can't she's the only one, you don't understand, she..."

 

Yes yes yes, she was so nice. Beyond sweet. When she smiled you felt warm and fuzzy inside. Holding her felt like "If this is all I have left, then **** it, I'm happy".

 

The worst part? Loving someone for so many things, but not being able to work things out because you don't love eachother the way you need to love eachother for a TRUE REAL relationship to work out.

 

 

You're not here because you don't know if you should break up with your girlfriend. You're here because you know that you should, but you just really aren't ready to say goodbye.

 

No one is ever ready to say goodbye. Do it now before you waste more time, energy, and pain.

 

It hurts me to see you hurt like this. I have been there - and I know you don't believe my experience could ever relate to the depth of sorrow cause by a girl that was like no other that you feel now. But being able to describe that lends me a bit of credibility, right?

 

 

 

Can we forgive? Yes. Can we make mistakes? Absolutely.

I cheated on my ex girlfriend. After that, I felt I really loved her and tried to stay with her. You know what I did? Played video games and ignored her all the time. she cheated on me and I was heartbroken. For years.

I finally realized that maybe if I was playing video games all the time instead of being with her, maybe she was pretty f-ing boring in reality.

 

 

Another terrible thing?

She's already broken up with you. She's crossed the line. She's gone outside of your relationship. If you say it's okay or forgive her, she won't respect you. (not out of choice - it's just NATURAL that we don't respect people that don't stand up for themselves. It's a FEELING we can't control, like how you automatically respect your grandparents).

 

LDR? Dont know when to see each other next, she already cheated, and you're trying to salvage things. I'm Sorry for your loss - but it's just NOT happening.

 

 

Don't think you deserve someone that would respect you more?

 

 

 

HOLD IT

Let's say you can forgive her. You can truly forgive a one time mistake. You love her, and you believe she loves you. For some CRAZY reason she still actually respects you...let's say all that.

 

Sorry. it will drive you CRAAAAZZZZY. I was in an LDR for over a year once.

 

What happens when you call...and she doesn't answer...and then she's not answering for the night...she went to get drunk with friends and she'll call before sleeping she says...she didn't....what do you think? Do you eat? Lose sleep?

 

TRUST ISN'T A CHOICE. IT'S A FEELING COMPRISED OF A PERIOD OF SOLIDIFYING ACTIONS AND DEEDS BETWEEN PEOPLE.

 

You can't turn it on and off. If you try, you could end up exploding with anxiety - which in turn leads you to neglect the rest of your life - which is what you should now focus on.

Edited February 1, 2013 by Talak7

[NervisPervis]

(where they further got together - stuff but not sex).

 

No, it's NEVER sex. Because they're just 13 and wouldn't even know how if they WANTED to.

[Williams91]

Everyone. Most of you have been so much help, especially the long answer above. I've been speaking to her for the past couple of days, and (contrary to what most of you think) I'm convinced she didn't have sex. She's completely aware that:

a) She could've easily gotten away with it without telling me.

b) How much its hurt me hearing about the stuff that did happen.

 

Furthermore, she's been sitting in a dark room hysterically crying (verified not just by her but by a mutual friend of ours) and calling me begging for me to forgive her. I can appreciate that a lot of people on this thread might have had experiences like this before, experiences that haven't gone down so smoothly.

 

I don't know if I'm just trying to make it work or if I'm just desperate. Surely if you love someone, half the battle is fighting through stuff like this? There's no question about her being completely blind drunk, and (in regards to the LDR) we see each other about once every 10 days. Does anyone think that this changes the situation in any way?

 

Thanks,

Williams

[Williams91]

Also, in response to the quote, "love is not enough", surely you're right; its not enough just to be in love, that doesn't define the couples that stay together and the couples that don't. Surely the difference must be being willing to fight for it when things like this come about?

[Williams91]

You're a moron, get off this thread

[loversquarrel]

I don't know, sometimes we want to believe the people we love. I don't think you're getting the full story out of her, she may be upset but I've been there. I've seen how upset a women can get when dealing with a "mistake". As for the fighting for someone? - It shouldn't be one sided. There is a difference between being a fighter and being a doormat, I really hope it works out for you. Best of luck.

[Talak7]

I don't know, sometimes we want to believe the people we love. I don't think you're getting the full story out of her, she may be upset but I've been there. I've seen how upset a women can get when dealing with a "mistake". As for the fighting for someone? - It shouldn't be one sided. There is a difference between being a fighter and being a doormat, I really hope it works out for you. Best of luck.

 

You know the reason I said that you weren't here to make a decision, you were hear to get reasons to forgive her.

That's just what we do - we protect what we want.

 

Sorry buddy....

real change takes real consequence...not threat of consequence.

 

 

My suggestion?

Go no-contact for 3 months. Tell her that's what you're doing.

 

 

Oh- And by the way - IT DOESNT MATTER IF THERE WAS SEX OR NOT.

 

Stop looking for reasons to forgive her.

 

Love is like an addiction - I could've told you 100 reasons I could smoke a cigarette when I was quitting - and you probably would've even maybe believed I needed one cause I had such great logically thought out reasons as to why I could have that cigarette.

Edited February 2, 2013 by Talak7

[CptSaveAho]

People get drunk to lower their inhibitions on purpose and later say "oh it just happened" They know what they are getting into.

 

People that want a committed relationship dont put themselves in situations that things just happen and later blame alcohol.

 

Game over

[GSB81]

Also, in response to the quote, "love is not enough", surely you're right; its not enough just to be in love, that doesn't define the couples that stay together and the couples that don't. Surely the difference must be being willing to fight for it when things like this come about?[/QUOTE]

 

 

For some people. But again I say love is not enough. It's not enough to keep people faithful, interested, or honest. But it does seem to be enough to keep victimized partners coming back for more crap.

[Darren Steez]

Also, in response to the quote, "love is not enough", surely you're right; its not enough just to be in love, that doesn't define the couples that stay together and the couples that don't. Surely the difference must be being willing to fight for it when things like this come about?

 

What exactly are you fighting for?

 

We always come up with excuses for the other person don't we in order to facilitate some form of easing the pain. I did it when my ex cheated countless times, I forgave, I tried to understand..why? Not because I thought I was a doormat or co-dependant but I was in love. Isn't this what love is? Taking all the crap, being understanding? If this girl is the one then she's worth fighting for?

 

I'll repeat the last question, if this girl is the one isn't she worth fighting for?

 

Let me flip it around.. if you were the one, aren't you worth fighting for?

 

When she kissed him the first time, thoughts of you in her head, her "love" for you should have stopped her, sent her running but it didn't.

 

She then went back where he stayed the night and they kissed "and whatever" ..again, thoughts of her "love" for you should have stopped her but it didn't

 

She "regretted" kissing him but let's be honest, it excited her, so she allowed him to come back with her to stay the night and when he made his move again she allowed him.

 

Where were you in her thoughts? Her love for you. The trust she was breaking.

 

So now she's sitting in a room crying her eyes out. So what? It's after the fact isn't it. What she did wasn't a mistake, it was a choice of decisions she made fully aware of what she was doing.

 

You want to fight for love, you fight for it by being true, by being loyal, by honoring the bond and trust you have with your partner. She may in some small part regret it but it should be a huge reg flag that she did it in the first place, and that if she's forgiven then she can/might do it again.

 

Respect plays a huge part in relationships. It should be mutual. You should be sitting at home safe in the knowledge that every time your girl goes out she has fun, she may talk to guys but it doesn't cross a line and that she makes it clear when someone makes a move on her she's spoken for and she keeps it at that.

 

"Licking faces" progresses to kissing progresses to him spending the night.

You can chose to believe they didn't have sex, why you would believe they didn't when you weren't there I don't know. But the dye is cast. You can't fight that, only salvage the remnants of what used to be and is no more.

[kdobbs]

You sound so much like I did when this happened to me recently.

 

Constantly convincing yourself that you KNOW 1000% it was no sex, because her story is full proof. Why would she cry if she wasn't telling the truth?

 

I am going to assume you are here for the same reason I was, because you probably aren't sure you believe her and you want people to tell you that what she is saying is probably true.

 

All I can advise you is, from my own experience, giving her another chance with the doubt of not trusting her story 100% is so much harder mentally than dealing with a breaking up.

[MichiganMan222]

The problem is the woman you love no longer exists. She died the moment she let some other man inject DNA into her. Listen to everyone here. By taking her back, you are validating a license to cheat again. And why not? She got away with it the first time. Is that what you want?

 

And I agree with a previous poster. Actual intercourse or not, it doesn't matter. Any person with self-respect will not accept what happened even as confessed (and I also agree that it's highly unlikely it happened the way it was confessed).

 

Your choice: be a chump and get used to other men planting seeds in your pin-cushion of a girlfriend, or find a new one that will respect you enough to reject all other men.

[loversquarrel]

I'd like to add something I should have earlier regarding "fighting" to keep a relationship. IMO, the only time I would ever consider fighting to stay in it would be if there was a marriage with children. This happened to me, and I have to tell you it didn't work. Cut your losses. We are talking about a GF of 1.5 yrs. Be thankful it happened in this stage of your relationship, it could have been much worse.

Edited February 2, 2013 by loversquarrel