My husband & his butt-buddy. What do I do??

[kiwi29f]

I dont know what to do with my husband and his best friend Anthony. They are up each others butt ALL the time. They work at the same place & Anthony is over at my house EVERY day. I am so fed up with it. This has been going on for months. I've talked to my husband & they'll stay away for about a week then they are back EVERY day. I deal with people all day at work then I come home & have to deal with Anthony & his girlfriend. I NEVER have any time with my family alone. I spent my 2 year aniversary with them. What is that??

 

Some times I think he does it on purpose b/c he knows how much it bothers me. Right now he is SO miserable at work & it bothers him so much that I make more money than he does, I think thats the main culpret of it all. I don't understand how he can want someone there all the time. I made a comment last night, "well he's here so much, why doesnt he just move in & pay rent" My husband actually said ya know thats a good idea. I about flipped. We live in a small 2 bedroom townhouse.

 

We have a daughter that is 1 1/2 years old. We were so happy when he was happy at work & they weren't comming over all the time. We use to be the "perfect" couple. Everyone was envious of us. This is basicly our only problem. We dont fight about much of anything else. I'm to the point now that if I go home today & Anthony's there I'm telling him to leave right now & if my husband has a problem with that then I'm leaving. I don't want it to come to that but I am SO fed up & feel like I'm at a dead end road. Any help with this matter would be greatly appreciated.

[pixie2004]

I'd say discuss that with your husband. Tell him that you need more time as a family. Tell him that Anthony can come over on Wednesday - that's like a boys night. You should have complained from the beginning - don't let something happen and then only complain about it after a while. He would say you never complained before, why is it now a problem. Set your rules straight. You should both be spending time as a family with your kid!

 

Make plans for you as a family at nights - go for walks or do something - just don't include Anthony.

 

[pixie2004]

You should make rules - you are the woman of the house. Does he eat dinner with you every night?

 

My boyfriend would never invite someone without asking me first... his friends usually phone me and ask if they could come around. Not that I am a b*tch, in the conservative manner and polite way one is supposed to phone before rocking on someone front door.

 

The question is - does Anthony invite himself over or is this your husband that keeps inviting him.

 

Maybe you should find Anthony a girlfriend (i assume he is single) that would keep him busy.

 

[kiwi29f]

Anthony does have a girlfriend which is also the mother of his child. They don't live together, they both live with their parents. They are both too irrisposable to get a place of there own. I've been complaining for months and my husband knows how I feel but he just doesn't see why it's such a big deal to me. He takes care of me & spends time w/ his daughter(he's a very good father) blah blah blah. I think it's a mix of Anthony inviting himself over & my husband inviting him over.

 

I've talked to Brittany, Anthony's girlfriend(last night actually) & she feels the same way I do, but shes too afraid I guess you could say to say anything. She says she wants to spend time w/ him by herself w/ their baby but he always wants to come over to my house to hang out with my husband. So she does it to spend time with him. I can understand that & she actually made him go home last night after he tried to stay the night for like the third time this week.

 

I don't ever get a break & I don't know how much more of it I can take, b/c I feel like my feeling don't matter. Now my husband will do anything for me, he's the one who does most of the house cleaning ect.. But only b/c he gets home from work at 3 & I don't get home until almost 6:30. I'm to the point where I'm almost ready to just leave, let him take care of Anthony. Anthony does eat dinner at our house but not everyday. He helps my husband drink his beer which gets expensive. I am just so fed up right now I could scream.

[supermom]

DEFINETLY nip this in the bud. My ex husband did the same thing to me and I started really nagging and it tore us apart (not the only reason though). I would even sometimes work 11pm to 7am come home to bodies laying all over my living room (girls included) and it was so irritating when I just wanted to sleep.

 

Take your daughter, yourself, and maybe start hanging w/ his girlfriend. Make it to where you're not around that much, and let him wonder "what happened to my wife and kid?".

 

Another thing, explain to your husband that you are starting to not like Anthony because you see him everyday. Does he want that?

 

btw "butt buddy" that is soooo funny to describe this. hahahahaha

 

He is being selfish. Also when you cook dinner, if he hasn't asked you, only make enough for you, your husband, and kid. When there is not enough, tell your husband, give him your plate, you didn't ask if he could stay and I didn't know.

 

I would be as least accomodating as possible. I ended up having to have a talk w/ my ex's friend, but, my ex was so selfish that he got upset w/me.

 

Part of the reason we're not together today.

 

Good luck

[faux]

After reading all of what you had to say, I really do not believe your husband is doing anything wrong. You admit that he spends time with you and your daughter, and that he shows you affection, and helps out with the house work. He seems responsible.

 

I found it interesting that you assume your husband is spending time with his friend to spite you, due to the fact that you additionally assume he is infuriated that you make more money than he does. It sounds as though your husband sees nothing wrong with having his friend over. I'm going to infer that you have not actually told your husband that you disapprove of such things happening.

 

Have you sat down with your husband and explained to him how you felt when this FIRST started bothering you, MONTHS ago? It seems that you kept this all inside, and are about to end the marriage and break up your family because of a lack of communication. Unfortunately, this would be a very huge mistake, as if you were the one who had a problem with these activities, it was your responsibility to communicate your concerns to your spouse.

 

Hopefully you will explain to your husband what has been bothering you, and why it has been bothering you. I'm certain he would understand if only you would let him know. People cannot read minds.

[painter]

i had the same problem

it took the friend moving to another country to get the problem to stop.

chances ar that the friend is emotionally dependant on your husband and your husband just dosent see how the discomfort of confronting his friend is worth it just to make you more comfortable. in short, he has his priorities and you have complretely different ones.

first thing to do is to make absolutely DEAD certain that he is made aware that this is not a minor issue. no matter how unreasonable he thinks you are being, you have obviously tried to accomodate it but it just dosent work for you.

the other thing is that your husband may be using the friend as an emotional shield, to protect himself from being emotionally too available to you.

or to push you away.

if he is not willing to prioritise your happiness over the discomfort of not having his "butt buddy" around.........

well perhaps separation may open his eyes to what his feelings really are in the situation. give him space to decide, you cant live an adult life if your house is a hotel and restauran and you cant live the rest of your life trying to make your husband see your needs as important.

they should and must be, always.

[kiwi29f]

Like I've said before, I have tried talking to my husband about this. He KNOWS it bothers me. It wouldn't bother me if it was only once or twice a week BUT seven days is too much. I don't ever have any "family" time. I deal with people all day long for 10 hours a day, I don't want to come home & have to deal with a houseful also. Thats my "down" time. He has 3 1/2 hours that he can spend with his friend before I get home, but when I get home I want it to just be us. I want to be able to run around in my underware if I want to. He gets more time to hisself w/ his friends than I have do ANYTIME. The point is, yes he helps out alot & is a great father, but I want my husband back.

 

I dont care what he does while I'm at work, go play golf which he loves to do, I dont ask him to pick up the baby from daycare, or to feed her when I get home or to bath her or put her to bed. I do all those things after Ive been at work for 10 hours and he only works 7-8 hours. On weekends I don't ask him to keep the baby while I go shopping or go anywhere, she goes everywhere with me. The ONLY thing I ask of him is for his friend not to be there when I get home from work. I don't think thats too much to ask for.

[painter]

sounds like he just dosent care about you. simple.

if you want things to start working then he needs to be made more responsible in his own home in order to value it.

if things come too easily he will have no regard for you or for his home.

he honestly is comforably in teenage son mode. if you feel like being married to a teenager, by all means carry on as you are but be warned...neglegence is already a form of abuse and emotional abuse is just as damaging to yourself and to your child as physical abuse, it just takes a little longer to kill you.

its a power trip for him to disregard your needs as unimportant or temporary. if you want to be married to this child-man in 10 years time you must either give him a big wakeup call or buy yourself some antidepressants and arnica ointment for the bruises.....

sounds melodramatic but its scary how far things go before you realise it.

[unreasonable gf]

I really didn't get until supermom's post that the husband didn't have a gay lover, so I was very confused by pixie's post saying it was ok on wednesdays.

 

Just thought I'd put that out there.

[Jacksin]

Why not tackle the butt buddy and simply tell him the rules, and your wimpy husband ( who could be a bit gay) doesnt like it, offer him the door. Sounds a bit tough I suppose but, someone has to take controll before this situation wrecks your marriage.

Jack

[sami]

When you talk about serious issues in your life that really bother you try your best to communicate your feelings in an equally serious way. Don't ever let it sound like a joke." Moving in and paying rent" is not a solution at all in such cases. The only solution is for you and your husband to take it seriously and together cooperate for a final solution. Let your husband undersatnd how sick & tired you are of it. You have your every right to talk and complain about it.

[kiwi29f]

Well as of the weekend, we had no company Thank GoodnessLet me get one thing straight, my husband is FAR from being gay. I think it has some to do w/ his job which they both work at & the fact that we are both still young & he still doesn't ant to give up all of histeenage ways. I will be turning 22 in October & he is only 22 also. We've been together for 4 years so I think in a way he just wants it to stay the way it use to be before we had our baby in some ways including us having friends over all the time. We use to have people over everyday & we use to party ALOT. But now I'm over that part of my life & want to be a family. He wants to be a family with his best friend around all the time. But the house has been people free for 4 days except for they came over for 2 hours on Sunday & I can deasl with that. So keep your fingers crossed for me.

[neptoon]

Oh, god, the Anthony type is in every relationship, I swear! I've seen more Anthonys than I can count! Note: these annoying men also operate under the names of Jeff, Brian, Jamie, Marcel, Ron, and Donovan. They're around ALL the fricking time. I've ended many relationships because of these annoying friends.

 

And I really hate it when people say that you won't let your man have ANY friends when you only have a problem with the one specific annoying friend.

 

Tell your man to stay away from these types of clingy friends who want nothing more than to break up your marriage/relationship. Guys like that use their friends big time. I have an ex that landed himself prison time because of individuals like this. These obsessive types of friends will destroy your man's life, even if you pick up your bags and walk out.

 

Go to the video store and have a movie night when Anthony's around. Rent The Cable Guy.